A Demon's Only Wish - Comments

  • megustajawno

    megustajawno (100)

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    From comment swap.

    I love the lay out, it's simple and effective and the colors work well. The story itself is well written and you're clearly a very talented writer and it makes me want to read more of you, even though this isn't my typical type of fic.

    Very good job! :)

    Ugh that cut off, but as well I really love the character of Devon and learning more about him. You effectively get who is he across and what he is going through.
    You discuss setting well and and it's very clear with what is going on in the story. The personalities are clear and it's refreshing to read a story that is so well proofread and interesting with a great plot as well.

    Overall, the only reason I wouldn't continue with this story is because it isn't exactly my personal style. But you're a very gifted writer and would be interested in reading more of your stories in the future. I do enjoy your writing style. Your attention to detail is amazing and your descriptions are very amusing. It weaves and wines and I love it. As well, You don't give away too much information and you get the readers curious. Even as someone who is absolutely not into this type of story, I can see the appeal in it.
    January 31st, 2015 at 07:33am
  • megustajawno

    megustajawno (100)

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    From comment swap.

    I love the lay out, it's simple and effective and the colors work well. The story itself is well written and you're clearly a very talented writer and it makes me want to read more of you, even though this isn't my typical type of fic.

    Very good job! :)
    January 31st, 2015 at 07:29am
  • DragonxFox

    DragonxFox (100)

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    @ XXXataktoulaXXX
    Thank you so much Wink. I'll do my best to update it again soon Tongue
    September 11th, 2013 at 09:59am
  • Lady.V.

    Lady.V. (960)

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    I just found this and it's awesome. Cute Subscribed. In Love
    September 6th, 2013 at 07:56pm
  • Evil Falcon of Doom

    Evil Falcon of Doom (100)

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    It's a nice story, well written, but the starting of it seems like there should been more before it. It starts of with Devon returning to his room, but there's nothing before that, that sets the mood and prepares the reader for the setting and the character .

    Devon is just suddenly there. But there's not prep, no why is he there, where is this room? What is the purpose? Latter it seems the room is the room of Scorpio, which means the first sentence of "his room" which made me think Davons', is actually Scorios'. A good introductory setting would set the mood of the story and made the reader aware of why Devons' there, like if he was summoned, in some form and where this place is at, like was Devon in his own quarters chilling in this demon world. Basically a good mood setting to indroduce the character ^.^

    I'm not much for demon stories, but other than the lack of mood/ scene setting, I found the story quite interesting.

    You did an excellent job on conveying Devons' personality, thoughts and feelings and his grudging obedience to Scorpio. Well done ^.^
    March 23rd, 2013 at 06:02am
  • Sansa Stark

    Sansa Stark (930)

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    Review Thread.

    Layout: I like how it's 100% readable and the colors match the story. I'm not crazy for the guy's picture, but I guess it suits the vibe.

    Summary: You don't give away too much information and you get the readers curious. Even as someone who is absolutely not into this type of story, I can see the appeal in it.

    Chapter One: Well, I am going to be honest, I tend to stay away from stories envolving vampires, werewolves, demons and the overall supernatural shenenigans, but I do enjoy your writing style. Your attention to detail is amazing and your descriptions are very amusing. Although I have to agree with jesus christ., this is a bit confusing at first.

    Overall: I didn't spot any mistakes, you're talented as a writer and you get the readers curious. Although I am so not into this type of fics, I enjoy your way of writing.

    Good job, stranger Mr. Green
    March 21st, 2013 at 05:41pm
  • Dedicated Stereotype

    Dedicated Stereotype (100)

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    ~Comment Swap~

    I'll start off by saying I normally don't read stuff this heavy. In fact, most of the time, I avoid it. However with this story, my thoughts going into it were completely obliterated. This is so beautifully written and I found myself wanting to read more, even when there was nothing left to read. Thank you for writing such an amazing piece. I just wish it was longer.
    August 20th, 2012 at 07:29am
  • jesus christ.

    jesus christ. (105)

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    story review thread.
    layout: i like it, and your banner is pretty legit, but i wish the font in your summary wasn't so big. i'm not 87, y'know?

    introduction: although your detail and writing so far is really good and i didn't see any grammar or spelling issues, i have no idea what is actually going on in this story. Shifty

    chapter one: Demons and Magi’s walked about, the Magi's shouldn't have an apostrophe after the i because that shows ownership, and that's not what you want.

    okay, well. i'm still rather confused, but i do adore your story style. it's so rare to find something well proofed and written now, anyway. if you could offer more detail about the creatures, like i have no idea what a magi is, that would help a lot. my only suggestion is to make this more enjoyable for readers who don't actively set out to read sci-fi fantasy stuff.
    otherwise, this is a great start to this story! i'm liking it so far. (:
    June 11th, 2012 at 06:24am
  • emilypaget

    emilypaget (100)

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    The banner really drew me in, and unlike other comment swaps, I was like 'Hey! I really want to read this one!'. In terms of layout, I recommend making the background of the part where you read just a bit lighter.

    The story was well written but I'm a little upset that its so short, so update soon!
    June 10th, 2012 at 08:42am
  • we are criticized.

    we are criticized. (100)

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    This is so interesting! Once can definitely tell that this is incredibly thought out and really well done. Your word choice and grammar seem rather impeccable. Your flow and connectivity of words is also rather good. There was only one thing that had me pausing and rereading because I didn't understand. At the very end of chapter one, you say, "Alice Corbin..." That whole paragraph seemed rather confusing to me? I'm not sure if I was just missing something, but yes. Otherwise, I think this is a fantastic start!
    June 10th, 2012 at 07:58am
  • elle me dit.

    elle me dit. (400)

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    This is really interesting. Focusing just on writing and grammar I would say that you are very gifted. Your wording is very clear and exact. It's clear what's going on and there's no confusion about what, where, when settings. I liked the layout, I thought it was easy to read and not distracting for the writing. Overall this kind of story isn't really my cup of tea so it wasn't as enjoyable as I'm sure it would be for someone who loved this genre.
    June 6th, 2012 at 03:22pm
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    PS: I apologise for the incredibly short review but you only just had one chapter and your chapter was short so yeah.
    September 22nd, 2011 at 02:20pm
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    Even though your banner isn’t extravagant and fancy like a lot of the banners you see on here, it still managed to catch my attention with the man’s golden, gleaming eyes which look quite demonic and I’m guessing he’s probably portrayed as the demon in the story. xD I’m liking the summary a lot too, again it’s nothing flashy but it still manages to capture my attention in how you mentioned she screamed after the “dream”, it immediately captures the reader’s attention, they’re dying to know what happened to her and who, or what, the man is in her dreams.

    Wow, to be honest, after seeing the strange, chilling banner and reading the equally chilling summary, I was a little taken aback that the first chapter seemed so…normal. But then again, in horror movies and stuff they always start off relatively normal before all the crazy, wacky stuff happens which I’m probably presuming would happen in your story, aha. But I’m probably jumping to conclusions so I’d leave it at that and get commenting. Aww, I feel bad for George already. He has a nice and simple life, married and peaceful, and you get the feeling he’s sick of the mundane business of his life and it seems like he’s really against the marriage, as you mentioned he started getting really uncomfortable during the exchanging of vows, I wonder why :O Hmm, I’m starting to get all these weird conclusions, Alice seems like she’d play an important part in the story, I wonder what her role in this is and what George and Meg are gonna tell her, I’m most curious and I love that it’s just the first chapter and you’ve left me with all these questions and got me thinking which is great since you’ve already captured the reader’s attention then and would most definitely compel the reader into reading on!

    You have a very eloquent writing style, it’s not overly flowery and detailed, it’s nice and simple and to the point and this story was pretty well written! I did not spy any grammatical or punctuation errors, good job :D
    September 22nd, 2011 at 02:17pm
  • the shield.

    the shield. (100)

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    I'm normally not big on fantasy stories, but since you won, and this was your most popular story, I told myself to read it. First of all, I'm not a big fan of the layout. I've seen your other stuff and I know that you make totally bomb ass layouts. Maybe it's just the width of the layout that's find of picking at my skin but that's irrelevant, because I'm supposed to be talking about the quality of your work, and once again. Amazing. I've only read to chapter three, but I plan on finishing the rest.

    I've noticed that, as the story progresses, your writing improves and improves. I think that's the most important thing as a writer, and you completely show that in this story. Bravoooo!
    November 7th, 2010 at 03:18am
  • Shadow's Gates

    Shadow's Gates (100)

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    Omfg! Woman, you need to write more! I was so sad once I finished reading the lar chapter. This is a really great fucking story you have hear. I would love to hear more from it. Please update soon. I'll be waiting impatiently.
    November 5th, 2010 at 04:23pm
  • ooberstein

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    Just the beginning but I like it so far =D
    October 26th, 2010 at 07:10am
  • SHYLA01

    SHYLA01 (350)

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    I really like where this is going, it's still a mystery to me but I like it :)
    October 14th, 2010 at 05:53am
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    A Demon's Only Wish

    Chapter One

    I love that even though your words are plain and to the point, they still manage to be very descriptive and paint a picture of your characters. So often I see stories where the author focuses a lot on either flowery description or description of scenery, but they forget to give the readers insight into the characters but not only using dialogue but by showing us more about them in narration. I think you did a really good job of giving us bits about the characters personality and mannerisms here, which definitely helps readers to connect.

    One thing I didn't like was the dialogue tagging (he said, she said, he whispered, she asked...). When Alice and Bruce interact, there are only these two characters for that moment, so you can get away with not using so many tags. When there's so much dialogue (every line stating a new piece of dialogue) in a short space, the constant appearance of tags gets redundant (and eventually boring) to read.

    I felt like this could have been better worded: A half-human half-demon, when compared to a half-demon half-magi, was weaker than an ant against a human. The repetition of the word 'half' felt kind of blah, and the same with using the word 'human,' and I felt like the comparison might have flowed a bit better if you compared the situation to something in the animal kingdom rather than ant and human. Maybe instead, you could say something like “When compared to a demon-magi hybrid, some half-human/half-demon mutt would fare no better than an ant against a lion.”

    Here's another awkwardly worded line: He was expecting a visitor, something he never did. The exception was that the woman he was expecting to show would bring someone that was related to him. This sentence just seems off to me. I don't know if it's because it's too wordy or because it lacks any kind of punctuation to break it up a bit. Maybe too many unimportant words are stuck in there. Maybe try rewording it, something like, “He was expecting company, something he never did. But this woman was an exception. She would be bringing him someone special, someone he hadn't seen in a very long while, someone whose blood ran through his veins.” I don't know, but something like that. I think that since we're out of the “real” world and into the fantasy side of things, it would be okay to get a bit more 'creative' with your descriptions here and there. I think it would help the readers feel the switch between worlds a bit more, if you take on a slightly different descriptive voice when writing about the two worlds; to help build a bit of a tone and atmosphere.

    I really liked the idea of Kiernan's house being full of clocks. For one, it definitely does say a lot about who he is, that he has to keep track of what's going on in his world and in the human world. As a reader, it makes me interested in what...investments he has going on and how it links the two worlds. I would have liked to read a bit more physical description of Kiernan's place. With all the clocks on his wall, I wanted to know if his home was small, therefore leaving the walls cluttered with clocks? Or was his house big and space, each clock having more than ample space of it's own on the wall? Is it dark and dank and gloomy? Or is it well lit and open? I think that readers could learn a lot more about this character by seeing how he lives and since he's in his house at that moment, you have the perfect opportunity to let us know a little more about him other than his temper and the chip on his shoulder.

    One thing I didn't like about the character Kiernan, was his name. I felt like it's too “young” of a name for someone who wears his age so proudly ('Never contradict your elders'). I felt like the name was lacking in prestige or strength, especially for a character who seems to be a sort of grand person (both in personality and in social rank). When I read the name Kiernan, I really think of a young teenage boy, not a powerful man.

    Overall, I liked this. I found it interesting enough. I usually skip stories like this because I personally can't find one I can get into. All the characters in stories such as these tend to be flat – just pure evil and callous without any real purpose – or the plot, when boiled down, is about a 'bad' demon who falls for a human and she changes him into something 'good.' I do hope your story doesn't turn into one of those but veers a bit off that course.
    September 28th, 2010 at 02:28pm
  • twistedjennifer2

    twistedjennifer2 (100)

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    I still like it..
    September 27th, 2010 at 06:55pm
  • fen'harel

    fen'harel (560)

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    Title]: It pretty much describes what the story would be about, not giving the plot away, tho, which is great. Given the numerous stories I’ve previously read with ridiculous titles that describe all their plot in them, so this one is just perfect, long, but perfect.

    Layout: Simple, easy to the eye, and the banner you have upon clicking into the chapters relates pretty well with the main character.

    Summary: I really like how in depth you covered the main points of the story in your summary without giving it all away, keeping the reader interested. Perfect grammar, organization, and interesting.

    Prologue: Although short, your descriptions are incredibly vivid and have this tone of mistery, as if you’re not telling us all about this Devon character and what his deal implies, yet, having the background from the summary, it’s fair to say that you still maintained my interest.

    I did not spot any grammatical error, nor anything to really point out. It’s flawless on grammar, sentence structure, and dialogue.

    Also, on the dialogue, I like how you still managed to maintan that somber tone that you get from the descriptions. The subject at hand is already interesting, now, with your narration style added to that, it’s safe to say that you hooked me up.

    Chapter 2: The first paragraph on this chapter seems a bit choppy due to the amount of periods preseding each sentence. Sometimes, a full stop is not really needed; it’d work better with a semicolon, due to the previous sentence and the next one to it are connected somehow.

    Take for example this one: She hit the lobby button before pulling out her cell phone. She frowned as she read the time. Nine twenty-seven – here, you could either break down the three sentences and construct one or two instead of this sort of chopped down ones. It’d look like this She hit the lobby button before pulling out her cell phone, frowning upon noticing the time. Nine twenty-seven…

    I really like how you first introduced us to one character quite briefly, as if it’s not of much importance, and then you introduce this new one, Alice, elaborating on everything about her and leaving the reader to wonder more about her link to Devon. It’s really nicely done.

    Alice’s personality is really interesting, quirky, eccentric, if you wish. She has depth due to the multiple descriptions you offered us about what she does for a living and how she deals with the social situations in which she encounters herself with her co-workers while being confronted with her personal fears; in this case, her paranoia.

    That intuition that something bad was going to happen, the foreshadowing, I really could felt the anticipation and the sort of anxiety that you conveyed through your descriptions of Alice’s antiques. It’s relaly refreshing for a reader to feel exactly what the character is feeling; it forms some sort of connection that hooks the reader more, aside form giving an air of mistery to the already mysterious story.

    And now we see the link. I’m already digging this story; it’s entertaining, mysterious, slightly horrifying, and I can feel what the characters are feeling at the moment.

    I noticed a little typo here: The essence trapped in the picture his master had given me had… – Instead of me it should be him since it’s in third person narration.

    His master expected results and his mission had to be completed. He was going to complete this last task, and use her to complete his mission. – this part seems a bit repetitive with the mission part; perhaps switch around some words or re-word it so it doesn’t lose the mystery of the narration.

    Overall, your story is fairly interesting. I can see you put a lot of thought and time into the plot, characters, descriptions, and the background story. It’s incredibly written, aside form the few typos, and, although the subject is not new to me (big supernatural stories junkie here), it’s narrated in a quite original fashion and does not fall into those ugly cliches I’ve come to associate with this type of story.
    September 7th, 2010 at 08:40pm