A Demon's Only Wish - Comments

  • elsa of northuldra

    elsa of northuldra (550)

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    Chapter One;;
    "as he continued looked down at her, his dark blue eyes staring hungrily at her naked body."
    It sounds odd. Maybe if you changed looked to looking it'll sound better?

    Chapter Two;;
    "and even form the distance he had let get between them, "
    form should be from

    The first two chapters are very interesting. I'm very tempted to keep reading just to see what happens [and I think I will once I review your other story].
    It's very well written except for the mistakes I posted above.
    Keep writing.
    :]
    August 5th, 2010 at 10:11pm
  • the0end

    the0end (100)

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    I think u should finsh of as is. So far it's been amazing in my opinion
    Can't wait for an update
    July 11th, 2010 at 06:15pm
  • Liam420

    Liam420 (100)

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    this is really, really good =]
    June 20th, 2010 at 08:44pm
  • Rachel Smiles

    Rachel Smiles (100)

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    I love this story. I love how the characters' personalities come out little by little instead of shoved down the readers throat. It's also extremely mysterious and different from most stories I've read. Keep up the good work.
    June 15th, 2010 at 10:55am
  • Rachel Smiles

    Rachel Smiles (100)

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    I love this story. I love how the characters' personalities come out little by little instead of shoved down the readers throat. It's also extremely mysterious and different from most stories I've read. Keep up the good work.
    June 15th, 2010 at 10:55am
  • el_corazon_partido

    el_corazon_partido (100)

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    Dont rewrite! its amazing just the way it is!!!
    June 9th, 2010 at 12:56am
  • fugazii

    fugazii (100)

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    Don't take it down, it's too soon and you will lose more subscribers(:
    June 5th, 2010 at 07:24am
  • fugazii

    fugazii (100)

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    lol thanx, but its just in my nature to reject critisism. And thanx again, it does flow a lot easier.
    May 16th, 2010 at 03:43am
  • fugazii

    fugazii (100)

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    Poor Devon, oblivious to the world. I dont think he would be very pleased to find out where Alice has been. Darius reminds me of a child who would do anything for a cookie and some love. The beginning of chapter 18 was a bit rough, try to make it flow. I probably sound like those naggy commenters who always seem to find a fault in your story, but just know this, i think your story is very good. I can actually feel what the characters are feeling, seeing, thinking and that makes a very good story. Your words reflect how you think, feel and how good of a writer you are, just remember that. Just from your story i know you have an intense imagination! ;D
    May 5th, 2010 at 03:37am
  • twistedjennifer2

    twistedjennifer2 (100)

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    I've missed your writing..... I'm glad you started this one again.. Tj
    May 4th, 2010 at 09:38pm
  • fugazii

    fugazii (100)

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    Ch17 was a good chapter. Though im wondering how Darius met Alice. Coincidence? And the question you asked me earlier, it wasnt that short. The chapter had lots of detail and action, leaving me satisfied. Besides its better to not have all your action in one chapter, it leaves the readers wanting more and leaves you not having to write more. You have a life too! :}
    May 2nd, 2010 at 09:17pm
  • Artic_Fox

    Artic_Fox (100)

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    0.0!i like the first chappy!its very detailed and it has a dirty scene lol.you could add more details to that...also do you later on explain how is it that devon lost?
    April 30th, 2010 at 04:57am
  • Des

    Des (100)

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    I'm so excited that you're writing more chapters! I can't wait til the next. :D The suspense!
    April 28th, 2010 at 06:02am
  • fugazii

    fugazii (100)

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    I thought the story beautifully done, dont worry if it looks entirely wrong because it doesnt.
    and dont be afraid to add a bit of romance (even if that means a little bit sexual, just dont add alot) that only shows the readers the passion or deep emotions between characters, though i do agree its dangerous ground, but not because its "crass" but because its very hard to espress love without it turning....cheesy and awkward xD as for the rest of it, you've done great in revising, the first sentence in ch16 was a bit confusing but that may be because i've been away from the story for awhile. Im glad your back to writing, the way you write has helped me with my story writing as well. Im a bit to shy to put any of it up yet though, im editing and writing as many chapters as i can before anything is posted
    April 27th, 2010 at 02:41am
  • xXGreyWingsXx

    xXGreyWingsXx (850)

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    You keep saying you're finally happy with that first chapter and then re-editing it again!!
    Glad to see that you picked up on that need for a bit of sympathy - those last few paragraphs really worked to get the reader into Devon's head. And you also developed some of the description, which was nice to see.

    I wonder if you've heard of something called a 'Killer first sentence'? It's basically what it says on the tin - the aim is to set the tone for the whole story within your first sentence, instantly grabbing the reader. The following paragraph should cement their desire to read on by developing from there. I think it might be a good idea to explore it here.

    Your first sentence is The blond man materialized in his bedchamber with a feral look on his face. Generally speaking, it's a strong sentence, but it there are a few key areas it could cover to get people more interested.

    1) Scipio isn't a man, therefore, to state in the first sentence that he is, sets the wrong tone for the rest of the story. If you wanted to keep this sentence as the first, then a more accurate phrase might be The figure of a tall blond man materialized in his bedchamber with a feral look on his face.

    2) However, as this doesn't particularly relate to the story as a whole, it might be a good idea to move away from it completely for a moment. So:

    a) Decide what the entire story is about - to me it's an exploration of lust and the need for a companion who understands you completely.

    b) Decide who you want to introduce - for you, here, this seems to be Scipio.

    c) Then construct your sentence around these two concepts, for example:
    Scipio studied the fragile frame of the sleeping human woman sprawled across his bed, the bitter desire for love dissolving in the heightened pulse her figure instilled in him.
    This introduces Scipio, the theme of love, and lust together. It's then natural to lead onto the inspection of her bruises which you continue to later.

    If you can get that killer sentence, and then develop it into a killer paragraph, you should be able to hook the reader's interest more easily.

    Another point, which I need to phrase carefully, because I don't want to hurt your feelings... but the sexual content is dangerous ground. It's incredibly difficult to write that stuff in a fashion that isn't crass, and I'm afraid that first section does tread a thin line. Often it's easier to write more effectively by saying less. If you rearrange the section (I'll PM you my example), it becomes a lot more powerful simply because it creates an outline which the reader can fill in, rather than stating the blunt particulars of their encounter, which can seem a little well, full-on.
    April 27th, 2010 at 12:41am
  • DragonxFox

    DragonxFox (100)

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    Blah:
    Done
    Quote
    AshleyAsphyxia:
    First of all, I want to say that I really enjoyed reading this chapter. The topic a little cliché, I have to admit that, but still your writing style made it easier to read.

    The title of the story is great, it is catchy. “A demon’s only wish? What can it be?” This question was in my mind when I first read it.

    Layout is successful. It is a little scary, the eyes look into your soul. With that we can infer that it has a little horror themes in it.

    Details are great, I really enjoyed to read the NC-17 part of the chapter. I could feel the emotions of the characters. And with this part, we can infer a lot of things about Devon’s personality, like he is easily bored, lust loved etc. Her emotions were perfectly in, too, but I’d love to read about her appearance and her situation, too.

    The conversation between Scipio and Devon is good, too. I could actually feel the tension between them. Maybe your strong words made me to feel them.

    I loved to be in Devon’s mind, it is twisted and interesting in his own way. His thoughts are fun to read and imagine.

    The third person POV is used really well. It is not really far away from the minds of the characters, but not really in them, too.

    My favorite part was. “"Love me," he whispered in her ear. It was a command laced with his power, one that she tried to fight.” I don’t know why but it made something in my stomach move.

    Now, some not so negative parts;

    The name of the main character, Devon, could be a little more creative. Devon the Demon, sounds good but still…

    It would be great if we learnt more about Scipio. Also, Devon’s appearance and Alice’s.

    I hope this was useful.
    Want to have this here so I can look back on it >_>"
    April 26th, 2010 at 11:42pm
  • xXGreyWingsXx

    xXGreyWingsXx (850)

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    Back again. :)

    Chapter 8
    A lot better for description - your writing has obviously developed as you've updated more.

    Rennowned? ...her magi powers were renown...
    How could one sentence hurt him so much? How could her hazel eyes, even when not looking at him, make him feel worthless? Gorgeous. Love that.
    a tall dark haired man... Need a comma in between tall and dark.

    Probably your best chapter so far writing-quality wise.
    April 7th, 2010 at 01:30am
  • xXGreyWingsXx

    xXGreyWingsXx (850)

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    Right! Chapter 2:

    There should perhaps be a had in this sentence:
    They made a plan on how to introduce...
    so They had made a plan...

    Again, it would be nice to have a little more depth of description.
    And like the summary, I feel like maybe you're revealing too much at once, about the attraction between them and the way Devon's parents got together. We need a third dimension, a sense of mystery, something that we need to figure out. It's a great concept, this idea of Devon falling in love with someone he's meant to be ensnaring but it would work better if he didn't realise immediately that he liked her.

    Chapter 3:

    Her chin was raised in a defiant gesture as she spit in his face.
    Spat rather than spit?

    I love the fast, factual sentences in their fight, it starts to raise the tension - you could go even further with that.

    He ket glancing around...
    Kept?

    Its' bare feet... No need for an apostrophe there. (repeated later)
    As it was, his masters' patience... Apostrophe should be before the s when singular. (repeated later)
    Horns usually layback... lay back? That still doesn't sound quite right.
    ...just liked with... Should be like rather than liked.

    Chapter 4:

    This chapter is a step towards more description - the part where Alice discovers powers has some real potential. Still needs to be teased out a bit more though.

    LOVE the bit with the shoe. Now that's genius. More moments like that please!

    Chapter 5:

    The dialogue between the two characters here is really great - snappy, to-the-point and actually sounds like a real conversation not something made up and stilted.

    Also, if you were thinking about how to get information across without leaking too much this would be a golden opportunity. Think about telling the audience only as much as Alice needs to know - that way they're on roughly the same page and they'll sympathise with her more.

    Chapter 6

    Although I've been saying to keep information back, it's a little confusing all this talk about Devon attempting to get his soul back, and not knowing what's going on. If you're going to state something as huge as that, then it would be nice to know at least a skeleton of the truth which can then be filled in later.

    ...bringing great gusts of wind come through them... Unnecessary for come to be in there?

    Please can Alice protest to being called 'Woman' all the time?! It's driving me crazy. I would definitely not put up with it, and I'm not half as gutsy as Alice appears to be. YAY! She just did!!

    Chapter 7
    Probably meant shifted instead of Devon shifter her in his arms...?
    And tampered instead of tempered here:
    There were many rumors in the demon realm, many were true,others were tempered with...

    It's not too obvious that you've gone back in time over the little dagger scene, I got rather confused deja vu when that happened. That's the problem with working in two POV but both third person. It would maybe be best to try and meld the two focalizations there, that or simply choose one and stick with it.

    I think you need to build up to that kiss more as well. It comes pretty much out of the blue. The scene is quite introspective for Devon, so describing the sense of possessiveness, any lust he might have, this need to have her soul etc. would justify it. Also a good place to use a bit of description - the way she looks at that point etc. There's the section above, when he removes her hood which is the sort of thing which would work here again - he enjoyed seeing her short, dark brown hair, the way it framed her pixie-like face. Her hazel eyes were beautiful, Devon found himself simply standing there, staring at her for a while.

    General Notes again:
    It's the same few things that keep reoccurring that are bothering me as a reader:
    1) Revealing too much information in one go,
    2) Not enough description,
    3) Little unpredictability (which is enhanced by number 1).

    The simplest way to go about improving it would be to deal with Number 2 and just add description. It's a little more difficult to deal with number 1 & 3 in pre-written chapters but they're things you can bear in mind for the future.

    On the other hand, you're proof-reading is near perfect, which is an awesome achievement even though it may not seem like it, so bravo! And your dialogue is lifelike, accurate, to-the-point - very enjoyable to read.

    I'll try and get the other chapters read tomorrow.
    April 7th, 2010 at 12:08am
  • xXGreyWingsXx

    xXGreyWingsXx (850)

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    Sorry it's been so long! Everything's just taking up too much time at the moment. But here I am! I'll review the first chapter tonight and then move on tomorrow.

    First things first, the Long Summary:
    A little bit of an information overload here, got rather confused.
    I like the two last sentences, they really entice you to read on but the rest is probably more complex than it has to be.
    I'd advise just making an allusion to the overall story instead of breaking it down step-by-step.

    Next, the First Chapter:
    Entirely spelling and grammar proofed! For the first time in my reviewing career on here, someone who seems to have no easy mistakes!! Yippee. Well done, seriously.

    Be careful of 'over evilling'. It's where you make a character, like Devon, who, although naturally on the evil side, becomes too disdainful. Devon seems to be the one you're attempting to make the reader sympathise with, yet it's difficult to do that when he quite obviously hates everyone and everything. Temper it with a love for something simple about the human realm - like, for instance the sun, which you had as a bad thing, could be something he really loves. If a reader can identify with something positive in a character they're more likely to sympathise regardless of other darker traits.

    It would be nice to get a little more description in there - Scipio can smell the woman's scent, but what is it like? Herbs? Flowers? Cloying? Sharp? Does it remind him of something?
    The same applies for the rest of the chapter, it just needs to dig a little deeper.
    Like the bit where you describe Devon - over a century of age... I love the image of Devon wound into a sticky, frail thread, that's gorgeous.

    Some General Notes:
    The name Scipio makes me think of cartoon character sadly. And also Skippy the Kangaroo...
    If you ever rewrite it, I'd seriously consider changing that.

    A good first chapter, definitely a solid start. Interested to see what the next will hold!
    April 5th, 2010 at 10:39pm
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Story Review Game

    This is interesting. I like the plotline. Of a Demon trying to get his soul back.
    It's different in a way, and yet somewhat common. I've read of stories like this where the supposed bad guy is really good, blah, blah, blah. But you've taken a somewhat different turn on it. Someone who was evil for four centuries turning good at the last second.

    Also I like that you use words like 'bedchamber' and what not. It gives the story a sort of hellish feeling. Also a sort of old ages feel as well. Like the eighteenth century. But I'm pretty sure you weren't going for that.

    Also, I don't feel the need to correct any spelling errors because the comments above me have done that already for you.

    But overall, a very interesting start. :]
    March 30th, 2010 at 11:16pm