August 5th, 2010 at 10:11pm
I think u should finsh of as is. So far it's been amazing in my opinion
Can't wait for an update
Want to have this here so I can look back on it >_>"
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- Done
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- AshleyAsphyxia:
- First of all, I want to say that I really enjoyed reading this chapter. The topic a little cliché, I have to admit that, but still your writing style made it easier to read.
The title of the story is great, it is catchy. “A demon’s only wish? What can it be?” This question was in my mind when I first read it.
Layout is successful. It is a little scary, the eyes look into your soul. With that we can infer that it has a little horror themes in it.
Details are great, I really enjoyed to read the NC-17 part of the chapter. I could feel the emotions of the characters. And with this part, we can infer a lot of things about Devon’s personality, like he is easily bored, lust loved etc. Her emotions were perfectly in, too, but I’d love to read about her appearance and her situation, too.
The conversation between Scipio and Devon is good, too. I could actually feel the tension between them. Maybe your strong words made me to feel them.
I loved to be in Devon’s mind, it is twisted and interesting in his own way. His thoughts are fun to read and imagine.
The third person POV is used really well. It is not really far away from the minds of the characters, but not really in them, too.
My favorite part was. “"Love me," he whispered in her ear. It was a command laced with his power, one that she tried to fight.” I don’t know why but it made something in my stomach move.
Now, some not so negative parts;
The name of the main character, Devon, could be a little more creative. Devon the Demon, sounds good but still…
It would be great if we learnt more about Scipio. Also, Devon’s appearance and Alice’s.
I hope this was useful.
"as he continued looked down at her, his dark blue eyes staring hungrily at her naked body."
It sounds odd. Maybe if you changed looked to looking it'll sound better?
Chapter Two;;
"and even form the distance he had let get between them, "
form should be from
The first two chapters are very interesting. I'm very tempted to keep reading just to see what happens [and I think I will once I review your other story].
It's very well written except for the mistakes I posted above.
Keep writing.
:]