A Demon's Only Wish - Comments

  • florence

    florence (1000)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    24
    Location:
    United States
    Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
    I love this story.
    Keep updating!
    =D
    March 19th, 2010 at 01:02am
  • still a secret

    still a secret (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    31
    Location:
    Philippines
    Wow, I'm so glad it's daytime here. Otherwise I would have been totally creeped out by the layout.

    Chapter 1
    He appeared to be calmly waiting to hear the orders that were sure to come from the man in front of him; the perfect slave.
    - the last part looks like like it's describing “the man in front of him” so this sentence should probably be rearranged to something like “He appeared to be the perfect slave, calmly waiting to hear the orders that were sure to come from the man in front of him” or just end the original sentence at “him” and add another sentence: “He was the perfect slave.”

    The perfect opportunity for him - as the demon of doubt, he merely had to make eye contact or break his target's mental defenses to have them writhing on the floor begging for mercy or death.
    - this looks kind of like a sentence fragment. Maybe start the sentence with “It was the...”

    Three horns decorated [his] beast-like head. Two were on the left while the third was on the right. [His master's] body was of the average size and height for demons; around seven foot two in human standards, and finely built.
    - the first “his” was the master but the second “his” was the slave, which is kind of disoprienting. On the third sentence, I think it would be better to leave out the word “master”

    His master's appearance had never had an effect on Devon, a fact that had greatly amused [the demon].
    - which demon? It could go both ways

    Devon [had only been] over a century of age, his body barely coming out of the awkward teenage stage.
    - “was only” would be better since “had only been” would usually be used if there are two past actions in one sentence

    The difference this time, [however] was the sick feeling he got in his stomach at the thought of returning to that realm.
    - there should also be a comma after “however”

    If he ever saw a chance he would kill the demon in front of him. The only thing that stopped him from doing so was the fact that he needed him alive.
    - he/him who? Although this does clear up later in the paragraph, I still think it would be better to clarify who is who even now

    It was why Scipio was so adamant that Devon call him master. A clear reminder of who held more power in their relationship.
    - the second sentence is a fragment. Either attach it to the previous sentence with a comma, or add an “It was...” at the beginning

    Other weapons stood out too much, which his targets noticed and reacted [annoyingly] towards.
    - it would be nice if there were specific “annoying reactions” given instead of just using an adverb

    He was careful to make sure none of them actually touched him or his clothes as he walked. He couldn't stand the thought of their human stench all over his belongings.
    - for some reason, I like this part :)

    Sure, the look of their motor vehicles, clothes, and buildings[,] had changed slightly in appearance, but it was still pretty much the same thing.
    - that comma should be removed

    Some people he passed had most of their flesh visible while others had metal objects pierced to their lips, eyebrows, ears, and [Lords] only knew where else.
    - use a small “l” since it's not a proper noun

    "You are worthless. Can't even get me my coat without falling on [yourself looking] all pathetic-like," the man sneered.
    - I think there should be a comma between those words

    "Who the hell are you?" Alex asked, trying to hide his fear with a pathetic sneer that only annoyed Devon further. He shoved the man into the alley a few feet away from them, remaining silent.
    - in the chapter, there's a bigger space between this paragraph and the previous one. Did you hit the enter button accidentally?

    Cool! This story's pretty interesting. I like it so far, except for the layout which scares me. But don't worry. I'm just a scaredy cat. xD I haven't read that many demon stories so I can't really tell how unique your storyline is compared to others, but so far, it seems kind of unique to me. And I really really like the start where Scipio's evilness was portrayed. Nice. :)
    March 8th, 2010 at 04:01am
  • fugazii

    fugazii (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    26
    Location:
    United States
    I like how the story is going so far, cant wait for the next chapter =]
    December 22nd, 2009 at 07:50am
  • legacy .

    legacy . (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    Canada
    Story Review Game

    Okay, so first off, this layout is creeeeeepy. Which I'm sure is perfect, considering the type of story this is. The thing in the graphic looks scarily like Chucky - minus the scars and red hair, and plus fangs lol - and those dummies freak me the fuck out, so great job with that.

    Chapter One
    Okay, so right off the bat, I love how you started off with dialogue. Stories are always so much more interesting this way, it really seems to drag the reader right into the center of the action, you know?

    At the moment, however, he was showing his truly disgusting, demon form. Three horns decorated his beast-like head. Two were on the left while the third was on the right. His body was of the average size and height for demons; around seven foot two in human standards, and finely built. His demonic dark blue eyes glowed in the dim lighting of the room, calculating everything that came into his line of sight.
    This description is amazing, seriously. It's very blunt and to the point, which seems to be the perfect way to describe a creature like this.

    Alright so, I'm pretty much halfway through the chapter. I'm usually the type of reviewer who likes to pick out little snippets of writing and comment on them, like most I believe. But everything just seems so well written and interesting that, I can't really bring myself to cut parts out lol. I think if I had to copy out everything I liked, the entire chapter would be posted here.

    Damned humans, always creating brighter lights, and once they created the brightest, they moved on like the idiots they were and made them colorful.
    I don't really get what you're referring to here, but that could just be my lack of common sense moreso than anything else.

    But why would an innocent be with these type of women?
    This sentence seems a little... off? It's just the wording. Other then that, the descriptions so far are amazing.

    The girl held out the coat to him without even looking up. The sneer remained on the man's face as he snatched the coat from her hands, shoving her back down to the floor when she tried to get up. The man turned to walk away, but Devon was already in front of him, his golden eyes glowing eerily as he stared at the man with a sinister smirk on his face.
    Awesome way to end the first chapter.
    You make the reader click "Chapter Two" to find out how Devon reacts to the guy abusing this woman. At first I didn't really understand why you had chosen to write about the woman, and then include couple, and I'm still actually a little confused, but again, that could mostly be about my lack of common sense and understanding, more than the actual writing.

    If this first chapter is any indication of what's to come in the future chapters, I am positive that this story will be a hit with many Mibbians. Amazing job.
    November 27th, 2009 at 01:49am
  • AlexisKristine

    AlexisKristine (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    This story is ah-mazinggg! Update soon please! (:
    November 19th, 2009 at 05:29am
  • Des

    Des (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    27
    Location:
    United States
    Love the story and newest chapter! :)
    Can't wait til the next.
    November 18th, 2009 at 03:55am
  • twistedjennifer2

    twistedjennifer2 (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Location:
    United States
    Okay so I thought you gave up on this story, ya I was going to hunt you down :) this is one of the best stories on mibbia. As far as the layout sorry babe I read it on a blackberry I can't see the picture or layout, but if you made it I bet its good. Okay on to the story, I'm really wondering why he wants her now. I have an idea but I'm not saying for fear ill be wrong or wright. By anyway your a great writer I liked this chapter and I can't wait for Devon to kick his butt :). Tj
    November 17th, 2009 at 01:50pm
  • whiskey.

    whiskey. (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    I apologize for taking so long. Things came up and well, you get the gist.

    Story Review Game

    I'm not a fan of the dark layout, or the font. The graphic is an interesting choice though.

    Also as just a personal thing, maybe come up with some creative chapter titles? But that's your choice.

    Chapter One
    Starting with dialogue is an excellent choice. It really sets the scene, and puts kind of a languid feeling in the chapter. I like it alot. Plus, it's a lot easier and help a lot more with setting a scenery.

    You portray some excellent emotion with your story as well. High five to you.

    Your descriptions are lovely as well. The one of the woman was one I liked especially. It was really in depth and interesting. Very easy to picture, paints a picture and all that.

    You do well at portraying the characters personalities. What they like and dislike. Their hates and loves. Very well at that.

    The writing was unique, different than some stories I've read on here. But otherwise interesting.

    A few grammar errors here and there, but nothing too major.
    October 26th, 2009 at 11:38pm
  • Glamophonic

    Glamophonic (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    26
    Location:
    United States
    Review Game

    First of all, it's a genius idea. It seems very well thought out, from what I read from the summary. Cute

    Chapter one

    I really like how it started out with dialogue. It already showed some of the characters traits. indebted to this demon, the demon of doubt. This is a fabulous line. Happy face Just the wording of it and the emotion it portrayed was fantastic. The beginning of the paragraph about Scipio's appearance was awesome, although I think the description could be a bit more in depth. I'm not sure how I should picture the shape or silhouette of him. Think The description of his outside is great. I loved how you said Mental defenses. I liked the wording of that alot for some reason.

    I also liked the description of the women. It was very easy to picture. And the dialogue Happy face I LOVE how it's worded. It just seems like it's from a different time, and I love how it contributes to the story. And how he says Master in a nuetral tone. It's just awesome.

    Devon's hatred of humans was really well portrayed. Especially the part about the lights. Also, the people on the streets were well described. Devon's perception of everything really reflects who he is and what he has gone through. All his references to lust lead me to believe that he had been through something where he was decieved through lust. I loved that forshadowing. The last sentence of the chapter was great, it left me wanting to read more.

    The overall way you write is very unique. It has this sick, sarcastic undertone that really adds to the story. Cute

    Also, the layout is really scary. OMFG
    October 4th, 2009 at 11:32pm
  • Aprilette

    Aprilette (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    I make all the banners sha lmfao Smiley
    September 30th, 2009 at 03:55am
  • AimiAiko

    AimiAiko (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    30
    Location:
    Canada
    Just wanted to say I love your story, like holy cow this chapter was amazing. I couldn't stop reading it once I started it, even though I should be at homework I had to read it. I totally love the end of the chapter and I can not wait to see what will happen next. I can't wait for the update, so hurry and update please.
    September 27th, 2009 at 06:19pm
  • Losing.Alice

    Losing.Alice (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    United States
    Okay so now you’ve got me really wondering.
    What happened at Scipio’s?
    Blue eyes = lust? 0r _____
    And a general WTF!?
    I’m jealous, I’ve never been any good with cliff hangers but you seem to be the guru of leaving someone on the edge of there seat :] I noticed that your writing style has gotten more together? neater? I don’t know but its improved in my opinion. Also kudos on 6 STARS!!!
    September 27th, 2009 at 05:27am
  • SmileSadOne

    SmileSadOne (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    can i just say this is friggan awesome
    yep, yep =]
    September 27th, 2009 at 12:12am
  • RhetoricalTendencies

    RhetoricalTendencies (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    27
    Location:
    United States
    Story/Review Game
    I hope you don't mind that I claimed this again. I'll be reviewing chapter 6, 'kay?

    Devon knew very little about modern human women, but one thing he remembered they liked, apart from having their carnal needs satisfied, was eating and sleeping.
    ^lol. I can't say much about that, just...it's funny.

    In some parts, I felt that the description was overdone on some things, such as clothing, which isn't really an important aspect. This is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore it.

    Peering over her captors' arms, Alice almost puked; the couple that had been fornicating was now on the floor, but in a different form, the only way she knew it was the same couple was because of the bits of torn clothing still on the two creatures.
    :twitch: That was so...gross! I loved it. Really, I did. You used some wicked awesome description in that entire paragraph and it really sounded revolting! Which is good, because that shows how well you can write.:cute:

    Alice went in the direction her captor had pointed too and almost jumped out of her skin when he suddenly passed her, opening a door and telling her to follow him with a motion of his hand. Imitating his gesture, Alice walked behind him, sticking her tongue out at him, and even though he could not see her, Alice felt a little better.
    Yummy! I like this! I do. It made me smile. Plus, I liked some specific words you used in there.:)

    So, overall I'm still likin' this. But one thing I've noticed is that some of the..reactions of the characters seemed a bit off. You may want to work on that a bit, I think. To be more clear, I'm speaking of when she's kidnapped and then talks so...familiar like, as an example. Anywho. Your plot/story is so facinating. Loves it. :D
    September 18th, 2009 at 10:26pm
  • Aprilette

    Aprilette (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    Svoosh the chapters have been sucked into a combined chapter of mighty length!! :crazy:
    September 17th, 2009 at 01:50am
  • elsa of northuldra

    elsa of northuldra (550)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    United States
    Story Review/Game
    Review of Chapters 1-2

    Chapter 1
    First off, let me again by saying I was thrown off by the layout. The picture at the bottom was sorta disturbing so I had to change the layout to default. Then again, it's probably only me so lets move on.

    You used Devon, Scipio, and human a lot which makes it very repetitive. Maybe instead of using the names so much use other words.

    The writing was good, I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes, the sentences seemed to flow fine.

    My favorite line was: "Both of them knew the hatred Devon held for Scipio, which is why Scipio was so adamant that he call him master. Just to remind him of whom was in charge of whom, and who held more power in their relationship."

    Chapter 2

    The way Devon described the human world was very well done and well... it was true. We have to make things better and once we have made things as good as they can get we have to change it around so we have more things to change.

    I don't see the point in the group of women being in the story, there might have been but I didn't catch it. I'm sure you could have taken them out and the story wouldn't have suffered from it.

    Again there was no spelling or grammar mistakes that I caught, and the sentences flowed fine.

    Favorite line from this chapter: "Some of the humans had most of their flesh visible, others had metal objects pierced to their lips, eyebrows, ears, and Lords only knew where else."
    September 9th, 2009 at 09:34am
  • Lady More.

    Lady More. (155)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    30
    Location:
    United States
    For The Story Review Game

    I just read this the beggining is good but alot of words and names like Scropio, Devon and human are repeated alot. So maybe if you make use of more pro nouns or other ways to describe it it will flow better

    Scipio said, showing him an image of the human girl. The girl in the image was glaring at some other human with her hazel eyes; her dark brown hair fell in waves slightly past her shoulders. She hardly stood out in the photo, wearing baggy sweatpants and an equally baggy sweater. The woman seemed to have just left her bed, let alone her home.

    Great use of description I like how you described the girl.

    Anyway great story hope to see more
    August 31st, 2009 at 01:05am
  • RhetoricalTendencies

    RhetoricalTendencies (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    27
    Location:
    United States
    Chapter Two:
    Oh my:shock:.
    This is great. I've been thinking about claiming this, but I didn't know if I'd be really all that into the whole demon thing. But I have to say, you kicked ass in this!
    always needing to create brighter lights and once they created the brightest, they moved on like the idiots they were and made them colorful.
    I liked this line, a lot. I think it really shows how humanity is. Plus, I loved the whole bitterness.

    I just loved how you narrated this, because it was really like I was in his head. Amazing!

    I loved the descriptions, I loved the thinking process.

    In the beginning, it was hard to catch my attention, but when I really got into it...it was great. I'm super glad I gave this a chance.

    I loved this chapter to peices.In Love

    I don't really have anything to critcize. I liked everything about it, you didn't go into too much details about those girls, just enough. You wrote nice descriptions, and I loves your character. The only thing I didn't like, was the giggling girls, comment. And that's simply because I don't like the word giggle in writing. But that's just the nitpick part of me.

    I liked this, and definitely reccomend this to anyone who wants something new or who's into this genre...or anyone really. :) Good job.
    August 30th, 2009 at 04:22am
  • CyFi

    CyFi (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    26
    Location:
    United States
    In Love
    You win at life for the simple fact that you're the author of this.
    August 26th, 2009 at 02:53am
  • simplyXsara

    simplyXsara (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    26
    Location:
    United States
    It seems you took Xsimply_saraX's advice. and i agree with her lol

    After reading chapter 24 & 25 I feel like I know the why behind a lot of things.
    I love knowing what they both are thinking & feeling and Its cute that it seems to be the same confused unexplainable type for both Alice & Devon.

    I always give feedback on stories I enjoy and I am definetly hooked on this one, so I'm hoping the rest of your readers get the picture and start giving you more indepth opinions/reviews.
    August 25th, 2009 at 02:00am