March 19th, 2010 at 01:02am
Wow, I'm so glad it's daytime here. Otherwise I would have been totally creeped out by the layout.
Chapter 1
He appeared to be calmly waiting to hear the orders that were sure to come from the man in front of him; the perfect slave.
- the last part looks like like it's describing “the man in front of him” so this sentence should probably be rearranged to something like “He appeared to be the perfect slave, calmly waiting to hear the orders that were sure to come from the man in front of him” or just end the original sentence at “him” and add another sentence: “He was the perfect slave.”
The perfect opportunity for him - as the demon of doubt, he merely had to make eye contact or break his target's mental defenses to have them writhing on the floor begging for mercy or death.
- this looks kind of like a sentence fragment. Maybe start the sentence with “It was the...”
Three horns decorated [his] beast-like head. Two were on the left while the third was on the right. [His master's] body was of the average size and height for demons; around seven foot two in human standards, and finely built.
- the first “his” was the master but the second “his” was the slave, which is kind of disoprienting. On the third sentence, I think it would be better to leave out the word “master”
His master's appearance had never had an effect on Devon, a fact that had greatly amused [the demon].
- which demon? It could go both ways
Devon [had only been] over a century of age, his body barely coming out of the awkward teenage stage.
- “was only” would be better since “had only been” would usually be used if there are two past actions in one sentence
The difference this time, [however] was the sick feeling he got in his stomach at the thought of returning to that realm.
- there should also be a comma after “however”
If he ever saw a chance he would kill the demon in front of him. The only thing that stopped him from doing so was the fact that he needed him alive.
- he/him who? Although this does clear up later in the paragraph, I still think it would be better to clarify who is who even now
It was why Scipio was so adamant that Devon call him master. A clear reminder of who held more power in their relationship.
- the second sentence is a fragment. Either attach it to the previous sentence with a comma, or add an “It was...” at the beginning
Other weapons stood out too much, which his targets noticed and reacted [annoyingly] towards.
- it would be nice if there were specific “annoying reactions” given instead of just using an adverb
He was careful to make sure none of them actually touched him or his clothes as he walked. He couldn't stand the thought of their human stench all over his belongings.
- for some reason, I like this part :)
Sure, the look of their motor vehicles, clothes, and buildings[,] had changed slightly in appearance, but it was still pretty much the same thing.
- that comma should be removed
Some people he passed had most of their flesh visible while others had metal objects pierced to their lips, eyebrows, ears, and [Lords] only knew where else.
- use a small “l” since it's not a proper noun
"You are worthless. Can't even get me my coat without falling on [yourself looking] all pathetic-like," the man sneered.
- I think there should be a comma between those words
"Who the hell are you?" Alex asked, trying to hide his fear with a pathetic sneer that only annoyed Devon further. He shoved the man into the alley a few feet away from them, remaining silent.
- in the chapter, there's a bigger space between this paragraph and the previous one. Did you hit the enter button accidentally?
Cool! This story's pretty interesting. I like it so far, except for the layout which scares me. But don't worry. I'm just a scaredy cat. xD I haven't read that many demon stories so I can't really tell how unique your storyline is compared to others, but so far, it seems kind of unique to me. And I really really like the start where Scipio's evilness was portrayed. Nice. :)
I love this story.
Keep updating!
=D