August 3rd, 2009 at 02:21pm
Chapter Three ; Story/Review Game:
I like that you've made the layout creepy, but the picture goes behind the text area, and maybe a resizing or a new position of either bit would make it easier to see. And I like that you have a contrast between the background and the words, but the text seems a bit too bright.
But I'm not here to pick apart your colors.
I read the first two chapters so that I could have an understanding of what's going on, but I'm trying to figure out still why Alice is so important, why she, out of all of the girls, is important to Devon. Following her seems a bit too random, and I'm sure you explain this later, but if I read all these chapters and reviewed them, I'd go past the two-hour limit provided.
And I kind of like Devon's name. It's fricking cool. But it is repeated too much within the sentences and the paragraphs. Generally, if he's the only male being referred to or, in his case, the only demon, it's not necessary to use his name so much. Try to use 'the demon' or 'the giant' or something like that instead of his name all the time. Just a suggestion.
And the action description seems a little rushed. Maybe breaking these sentences up with some periods, semi-colons, colons, and not so many commas would be good. The commas are placed well, but some of these actions are missed, and it's obvious that they are important. So try to break them up and make these descriptions stand out more, because my eyes tend to scan over run-ons a bit quicker to be done with them.
All in all, this is an excellent idea, and I like where you're going with it, but the basics are a little shifty in my eyes. Kudos, though. Keep going.
I see the banner and instantly I assume anime—I’m not real fond with those type of stories and I try my best to avoid them for multiple reasons. To me, the colour red doesn’t go so well with the black background, but nevermind that, I’ve come here to judge and review your story rather then it’s appearance.
Instantly you give away everything there is know to know about your story. I notice you tried to be as detailed as possible and that sorta killed the mood you created when you first opened up the story. As I read further into the summary, it’s like your spoiling your very own story—that would make me just go back if I were not reviewing this. Maybe I would revise the summary and leave the imagination up to the readers until they read the chapters where you spill all of the information.
Rated R for:
-language
-violence
-gore
That’s why we’re giving ‘Rating’ page when we decide to make a new story, so that little selection at the bottom of your summary can just be backspaced, it’s useless.
Now as you requested, I am going to be reviewing chapter two.
I am confused as I start reading, but maybe that’s because there may’ve been a cliffhanger on the last chapter? I like that your not afraid of jumping right into the story—but likewise, as I read on in the first few paragraphs, it makes me cringe.
Other than the look of their motor vehicles, clothes, and the buildings,
I feel as if the word ‘the’ is out of context in that sentence.
Some of the humans had most of their flesh visible, others had metal objects pierced to their lips, eyebrows, ears, and Lords only knew where else.
Lords? Isn’t it supposed to be just ‘lord’ unless since this is when demons exist, Devon praises multiple God’s?
I don’t like that you keep mentioning ‘demon world’, ‘demon’, ‘he was demon’, I believe with the huge amount of times you have stated ‘demon’ you only need to mention it once or twice throughout a chapter to the very least. Because otherwise, it just ruins the mood you have created for the reader, like myself.
*Sigh* There was hardly any description of details and whatnot, but whenever you did use details it seems as if you used to much of it at one time. Golden eyes reminds me of Edward Cullen, not a good comparison to gain. There were only a few paragraphs that I liked, and it started from the minute the girl yelled Alex’s name three times through about the paragraph below it. Other then that, nothing else really captivated me all that much. It was good though, but it’s not something I would come back into the future. There isn’t much else I can say about this story except that I kept thinking of Dead Man Rising, a novel by Lillith Saintcrow—but it just seems to me you switched it to a guys point of view. All in all, I think this chapter could use a bit of revision, but other that, it wasn’t as horrible as my mind thought it would be.
But a few things I did like was the imagery you created, the images were very straightforward and I liked how you created their apperances for the most part :cute:. Your style of writing is easy to get and I like that.