A Demon's Only Wish - Comments

  • Isabella.

    Isabella. (550)

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    Story/Review Game.
    I see the banner and instantly I assume anime—I’m not real fond with those type of stories and I try my best to avoid them for multiple reasons. To me, the colour red doesn’t go so well with the black background, but nevermind that, I’ve come here to judge and review your story rather then it’s appearance.

    Instantly you give away everything there is know to know about your story. I notice you tried to be as detailed as possible and that sorta killed the mood you created when you first opened up the story. As I read further into the summary, it’s like your spoiling your very own story—that would make me just go back if I were not reviewing this. Maybe I would revise the summary and leave the imagination up to the readers until they read the chapters where you spill all of the information.

    Rated R for:
    -language
    -violence
    -gore


    That’s why we’re giving ‘Rating’ page when we decide to make a new story, so that little selection at the bottom of your summary can just be backspaced, it’s useless.

    Now as you requested, I am going to be reviewing chapter two.

    I am confused as I start reading, but maybe that’s because there may’ve been a cliffhanger on the last chapter? I like that your not afraid of jumping right into the story—but likewise, as I read on in the first few paragraphs, it makes me cringe.

    Other than the look of their motor vehicles, clothes, and the buildings,

    I feel as if the word ‘the’ is out of context in that sentence.

    Some of the humans had most of their flesh visible, others had metal objects pierced to their lips, eyebrows, ears, and Lords only knew where else.

    Lords? Isn’t it supposed to be just ‘lord’ unless since this is when demons exist, Devon praises multiple God’s?

    I don’t like that you keep mentioning ‘demon world’, ‘demon’, ‘he was demon’, I believe with the huge amount of times you have stated ‘demon’ you only need to mention it once or twice throughout a chapter to the very least. Because otherwise, it just ruins the mood you have created for the reader, like myself.

    *Sigh* There was hardly any description of details and whatnot, but whenever you did use details it seems as if you used to much of it at one time. Golden eyes reminds me of Edward Cullen, not a good comparison to gain. There were only a few paragraphs that I liked, and it started from the minute the girl yelled Alex’s name three times through about the paragraph below it. Other then that, nothing else really captivated me all that much. It was good though, but it’s not something I would come back into the future. There isn’t much else I can say about this story except that I kept thinking of Dead Man Rising, a novel by Lillith Saintcrow—but it just seems to me you switched it to a guys point of view. All in all, I think this chapter could use a bit of revision, but other that, it wasn’t as horrible as my mind thought it would be.

    But a few things I did like was the imagery you created, the images were very straightforward and I liked how you created their apperances for the most part :cute:. Your style of writing is easy to get and I like that.
    August 3rd, 2009 at 02:21pm
  • Takanori Matsumoto.

    Takanori Matsumoto. (150)

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    Chapter Three ; Story/Review Game:
    I like that you've made the layout creepy, but the picture goes behind the text area, and maybe a resizing or a new position of either bit would make it easier to see. And I like that you have a contrast between the background and the words, but the text seems a bit too bright.

    But I'm not here to pick apart your colors.

    I read the first two chapters so that I could have an understanding of what's going on, but I'm trying to figure out still why Alice is so important, why she, out of all of the girls, is important to Devon. Following her seems a bit too random, and I'm sure you explain this later, but if I read all these chapters and reviewed them, I'd go past the two-hour limit provided.

    And I kind of like Devon's name. It's fricking cool. But it is repeated too much within the sentences and the paragraphs. Generally, if he's the only male being referred to or, in his case, the only demon, it's not necessary to use his name so much. Try to use 'the demon' or 'the giant' or something like that instead of his name all the time. Just a suggestion.

    And the action description seems a little rushed. Maybe breaking these sentences up with some periods, semi-colons, colons, and not so many commas would be good. The commas are placed well, but some of these actions are missed, and it's obvious that they are important. So try to break them up and make these descriptions stand out more, because my eyes tend to scan over run-ons a bit quicker to be done with them.

    All in all, this is an excellent idea, and I like where you're going with it, but the basics are a little shifty in my eyes. Kudos, though. Keep going.
    August 2nd, 2009 at 05:57am
  • deepinthought

    deepinthought (100)

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    Interesting. So Devon has to kill someone every once in a while, kind of like how a werewolf has to change.... Cool idea. I want more about Jack in the next one. I hope he isn't a small character in regards to the plot, because I enjoy reading about him.
    July 31st, 2009 at 12:25am
  • The Artist

    The Artist (100)

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    Firstly, I would say try to make your layout more visually appealing. Yes, it's readable, but it doesn't exactly catch the readers eyes. Secondly, your summary completely gives everything away. Just by reading it I can already tell what's going to happen. Maybe try something like- Devon is a demon, bla bla bla, and he finally knows how to recover his soul. And her name is Alice.

    The first chapter also is just too blunt. There's hardly any imagery, you just give everything away. There are a few punctuation and spelling errors here and there, but just going through the chapter you should be able to find them.

    The story doesn't really flow together all that well. I know you introduced Alice in the summary, but you should give a reason in the story as to why the master wants her. And maybe flashback to how Devon was changed etc.

    If you did this I think the story would flow together more nicely. Hope this helps.
    July 29th, 2009 at 06:00pm
  • twistedjennifer2

    twistedjennifer2 (100)

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    I like jack :) I always had a soft spot for smartasses .. Lol tj
    July 28th, 2009 at 03:21am
  • astronaut.

    astronaut. (100)

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    I really liked that chapter. I liked Jack a lot hahaha. I don't really know why. Keep it up, it was very weel-written.
    July 28th, 2009 at 03:16am
  • astronaut.

    astronaut. (100)

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    I only said that I was a bit disappointed because of the theme of your story. I just don’t usually go for this type of story so when it came up and I was a bit apprehensive but like I said, it really liked it.

    I really liked this chapter. As unrealistic the whole idea is, you made it realistic. I like that she didn’t just show up and was able to harness all of this. I really, really liked how amateur she was.

    And I really liked that even thought Kallen was supposed to be helping Alice, he was still a total bastard to her, it was so demonic. It was perfect.
    July 21st, 2009 at 11:37pm
  • cardiotoxicity

    cardiotoxicity (100)

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    First impressions are in order I think. :tehe: This sounds really in-depth and interesting. I don't normally read about fantastical things like demons, etc, so this will be new for me. However, I don't mind coarse language, gore, and violence. So you're on the level.

    Now for an actual review. Your description of Scipio, I like it. Scipio looked like a beast.

    A horrid beast with three horns on his head, with two horns on the left side and the third on the right.


    To me, this doesn't sound like how a normal beast would look. Perhaps two horns either side of his head, but three? It gives the character an edge. As you said previously, it showed his "true disgusting form," implying that Scipio, even though he can be altered to be handsome, really is disgusting, inside & out.

    The introduction of Devon was simple, but not underdone. His distate for Scipio was bordering on overdone, but it worked. Although Devon is angry at himself for being naive, he hates Scipio for taking his soul. The absolute despise you portray between Devon & Scipio puts the future of the story in perspective.

    In chapter two, Devon's hate stretches out to that of the human race which I guess is natural for a demon and it also works in terms of the plot. It gets the reader, or maybe just me, guessing things like - perhaps this 'Alice' is going to change his mind about humans, and so on and so forth.

    I'm up to chapter three, and I'm probably going to keep reading out of curiosity. It's difficult to relate to a character like Devon, because none of us are demons, but in the three chapters I've read so far he's grown on me. And he sounds pretty hot to tell you the truth. :shifty
    July 18th, 2009 at 02:15pm
  • astronaut.

    astronaut. (100)

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    Chapter One:


    Now this may not make sense, so I’ll try my best to explain it to its fullest. I found your descriptions were too blunt. You knew what you needed to say and just said it, which is good but I found it a bit boring, you know? Like there are other ways you could depict something without just coming right out and explaining it.

    Scipio looked like a beast. A horrid beast with three horns on his head, with two horns on the left side and the third on the right. His body is of the average size and height for demons; around seven foot two in human standards, and finely built. His demonic dark blue eyes glowed in the dim lighting of the room. The color of his demonic skin was not common in demons, being a dark sickly green with a few spots of burgundy.

    This description was good. I know it kind of contradicts what I just said above but with appearances it is hard to describe how someone looks without being blatant. I liked how you made the comparison to humans so we would know exactly how fucking huge this guy is.

    "Yes master, may I ask how soon you want her delivered her to you?"

    I think the second her should be here. Just a little typo, not a big deal, I don’t really even know why I’m pointing it out to you.

    Devon asked eager to leave the presence of his hated "master" he would gladly kill the demon, but under the circumstances he was currently in, he needed the stupid demon alive.

    This sentence was a bit too long. After “master”, there should be a period or some form of punctuation, preferably a period because the topic of the sentence changed slightly.

    Scipio said, his dark blue eyes staring meaningfully into Devon's golden eyes.

    I loved the idea behind this sentence, contrasting the two eye colours to kind of show how different these two people are. But the wording was a bit awkward. I think it might be the double use of the word “eyes”.

    Chapter Two:

    I liked what Devon thought when he saw humans and how little we have changed; that was a nice touch.

    Unfortunately, in this realm such things often brought the attention of other nosy beings called police officers, whom Devon had no intention of dealing with right now, even if killing them would amuse him for a moment.

    I loved this little paragraph. It made me laugh, just the way you worded it was very demonic, in the sense that they are from a different realm and don’t get how we live. And the word “unfortunately” was funny, like it was such a big deal and he couldn’t kill them.

    Devon snickered and gave the quiet brown-haired woman a dagger of his, her eyes widened but she took it and held it in a very professional way.

    I absolutely loved this bit. I actually found it a little attractive but then I remembered he was a demon and would have to kill me.

    I just realised that there are 17 chapters so I’m just going to make a very generic comment for the next chapters.

    You probably don’t need to state whose perspective a scene is in because the whole story is written in third person (or fist person, I forget what its called) which basically means the narrator knows all so you are able to jump to other people’s minds without actually saying that you do. Usually you state perspective if it changes and it never has in this story.

    Well, I would like to say that when I first got to this story page, I felt a little disappointed but as I read, I kind of got into it. I’ve never read a story like this and I’m just glad its something demonic that has nothing to do with Twilight. I’m going to subscribe to this story and see what happens in the end.
    July 16th, 2009 at 04:06pm
  • astronaut.

    astronaut. (100)

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    Hii, I'm the person that is reviewing your story and I wanted to tell you that if you wanted me to review the whole thing, I definately won't be done in the two hour time period. So just be patient because I wasn't aware that it was a very developped chaptered story. :D
    July 16th, 2009 at 03:21pm
  • twistedjennifer2

    twistedjennifer2 (100)

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    I feel so bad for him ahhh :( I hope she whips out the big guns on the other dude. :). Tj
    July 13th, 2009 at 09:42pm
  • the surgeon.

    the surgeon. (200)

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    Story/Review Game.

    First off, I just wanna say that the layout is creeeepy! The layout is always a good way to let your readers know what kind of a story it seems (however silly that might sound!) and you did that well, even if I couldn't stop staring at it at one point :shock:

    Okay, there's one thing I wanna say before I go on. Before the closing speech mark in dialogue, if it's followed by a tag (a tag is ''he said'', ''they asked'' etc), there always has to be a comma. Then, the next letter has to be a lower case letter (except if it's a name ofc). You only ever use a fullstop before the closing speech mark when the next sentence after the dialog is competely seperate - a completely new sentence. For example:

    WRONG:

    ''Hey Jane'' said Peter.
    or
    ''Hey Jane.'' said Peter.


    RIGHT:
    ''Hey Jane,'' said Peter.
    or
    ''Hey Jane.'' Peter turned to face her.


    As an editor I feel the need to tell you that :shifty so if you could just fix that throughout your story, that'd be awesome :cute:

    Okay, moving on. Starting a story with dialogue is always a good idea. It draws the reader in and is immersed in the conversation. That was clever.

    I like the names you gave them! Devon and Scipio, that's cool. The fact that you gave Devon this feeling of hatred towards his master and this feeling of ''I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna be me'', which isn't what you'd usually find in fantasy stories like these.

    I feel you could've explained Scipio's appearance a little more, since he's a demon and people aren't quite sure usually what that could look like. Perhaps you need to clarify and give a bit more description there. (:

    As the demon of doubt, Scipio merely had to make eye contact or break your mental defenses to have you writhing on the floor begging for mercy or death.

    ^ I liked that description. Begging for mercy or death, that was awesome, gives a real sense of darkness.

    I'm interested as to why he wants this girl. I only read the first chapter 'cause I'm running out of time to read/review your story! XD but anyway. It is quite interesting.

    When you mentioned the dagger's, that was cool. I like the idea of a demon with daggers :weird Haha.

    Anyway, all in all it was not bad, really intruiging and I feel the story has a good plot - I bet it does. :tehe:
    July 12th, 2009 at 03:06pm
  • Chilindrina

    Chilindrina (100)

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    I love the story :)
    I rlly lyk how u make Devon seem emotionless towards alice
    I seriously can't wait till the next chapter :D
    July 6th, 2009 at 02:41am
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    Another great chapter!

    The bright city lights caused Devon to hiss in pain
    I really liked that line, thought it was a good opening.

    You used some amazing vocabulary, but some parts were muddled, and sentences ran on for too long, so a little proof read is in need.

    The chapter really made me concerned about the woman, and made me pretty annoyed at the guy. The end was really good, and showed the characters well.

    Overall, I think this is a good story, but it could do with some work when it comes to punctuation etc. I'm interested in whats happening, and I love the way you describe things!
    July 5th, 2009 at 05:57pm
  • words as weapons

    words as weapons (100)

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    LOVE this story write more soon please
    July 5th, 2009 at 04:46pm
  • Losing.Alice

    Losing.Alice (100)

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    I find it halarious that Devon is so ... confused about what he's feeling. I guess 500 years of not being human can do that to you. Oh and you get brownie points since I am at a loss to how this will end up :p your brilliant keep ot up!
    July 5th, 2009 at 02:23am
  • deepinthought

    deepinthought (100)

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    Interesting.... I find it amusing that she actually thought he would retaliate against her. Excellent update, I want to see what happens once they leave the city. :)
    June 30th, 2009 at 10:15pm
  • Losing.Alice

    Losing.Alice (100)

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    Alluring, Mysterious, Suspenceful. I enjoy your writing style, its smooth and captivating. My only suggestion is that you edit and spell check.
    June 28th, 2009 at 08:47pm
  • Aprilette

    Aprilette (100)

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    You're being reviewed Bri!

    Ok: I haven't read the re-write of Chapter 1 so I'm doing that right now.
    Just a note: ""Devon, come here" Scipio commanded, anger evident in his tone of voice. "Yes, master?" Devon replied with his head bowed in a show of respect."
    Usually, when a new sentence begins with a different speaker, a new line is made. For example, the above quote should be:

    "Devon, come here" Scipio commanded, anger evident in his tone of voice.

    "Yes, master?" Devon replied with his head bowed in a show of respect.

    I just had to stop myself from rewording a sentence to make it more of a dark humor thing but if you want to know what I thought ask me personally :file:
    Crap another one where I felt like rewording it >o< This is your story, your writing style so I wont post any of my wants on here haha.

    "Devon asked eager to leave the presence of his hated "master," he would gladly kill the demon, but under the circumstances he was currently in, he needed the stupid demon alive."

    Where you wrote "master," the coma is not supposed to be there in this situation. Just "master" will do.

    "I simply wanted to remind you that if you dare betray me, even in the most insignificant way, I will destroy your soul." Scipio said"

    You wrote: I will destroy your soul." It should be: I will (accidental double space)destroy your soul(coma, not period)," Scipio said...

    "If only he had not been so naive, then he would never have gotten his soul taken from him, however, there was no point in thinking on any "what if's," it happened, now he just needed to find a loophole and get himself out of this unsightly situation."

    Ugh! Run on sentence! Fixed: "If only he had not been so naive, then he would never have gotten his soul taken from him. However, there was no point in thinking on any "what if's"... it happened, now he just needed to find a loophole and get himself out of this unsightly situation."

    Ok, so that's all I have besides my wanting to rewrite sentence. Good job Bwiggles! Naughty
    June 28th, 2009 at 04:40am
  • twistedjennifer2

    twistedjennifer2 (100)

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    I like this story.. :) I just found it today and I can't wait to read more. :) Tj
    June 28th, 2009 at 12:09am