A Demon's Only Wish - Comments

  • Deceit

    Deceit (100)

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    Chapter One.

    As the demon of doubt, Scipio merely had to make eye contact or break your mental defenses to have you writhing on the floor begging for mercy or death.
    I must say, I like this line quite a bit. After reading about Scipio's appearance, this line made a very powerful statement to me. The line, as simple as it may be made my mind wander as I pictured an unfortunate being writhing on the floor, screams echoing about in small chamber.

    The girl in the image was glaring at some other human with her hazel eyes; her dark brown hair fell in waves slightly past her shoulders, she hardly stood out in the photo, wearing baggy sweatpants and an equally baggy sweater the woman seemed to have just left her bed, let alone her home.
    This line, on the other hand, left me confused. I understood the description but it was very hard to follow. It seemed very run-on and I think perhaps the sentence should have ended at 'slightly past her shoulders'. Then, continuing on. A few commas might do the sentence good.

    Devon took one look at his bare room and snickered. This room simply served as a reprieve from the annoyances that lay outside.
    I like this line as well. Devon is a great character and his actions and thoughts keep me hooked. But I really did like the second sentence there. :tehe:

    I liked the beginning, more so for the fact that it kept me wondering. Why does Scipio want the human girl and will Devon ignore the consequences and betray Scipio.
    The descriptions were great and left an image tattooed in my mind. The power behind most of the statements left me shocked as well.

    Chapter 2

    The bright city lights caused Devon to hiss in pain. Those darned humans, always needing to create brighter lights and once they created the brightest, they moved on like the idiots they were and made them colorful.

    This made me laugh out loud, literally. My dad began looking at me strangely after I began laughing at the sentence. I laugh only because of his reaction and because the statement it so undeniably true.

    Stepping out of the darkened alley he had willed himself to, Devon walked down the semi crowded streets. Couples, groups of people, and a few solitary people walked by him. Devon made sure none of them actually touched him, or his clothes. Some of the humans had most of their flesh visible, others had metal objects pierced to their lips, eyebrows, ears, and Lords only knew where else.
    I would make that semi-crowded, with the hyphen. The rest of the paragraph was well written and sadly provoked my slightly perverted mind. :tehe:

    "Hey big guy, my friends and I were wondering if you had some spare time you could spend with us" the apparent leader of the group said to Devon.
    You're missing a comma at the end of the quote there.

    The rest of the chapter was brilliant, I think. It made me frown out of concern for the woman and growl in anger at the man, once again earning another look from my dad. The end nearly had me clapping for Devon and slightly cheering for him to kill the man.

    Overall, I think this story is really good and aside from some grammar and punctuation errors, I'm pretty eager to read the rest of it and I'll shortly be subscribing after I'm done writing this. Like I said before, I like the descriptions and thought must have really been put into this. So, I hope I did alright for my first review and good luck with the rest of the story. :cute:
    June 26th, 2009 at 07:48am
  • Surrealistfemme.

    Surrealistfemme. (355)

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    Scipio, being a full demon, could alter his appearance to make himself handsome. At this moment, Scipio was showing his true disgusting form...His body is of the average size and height for demons; around seven foot two in human standards, and finely built.
    A very good description. A good and realistic, it brings characters to life.

    "Devon, you are to go to the human realm and bring me this human. Alive." Scipio said, showing him an image of the human girl.
    That is a very powerful line. Full of imagery, and leaves a lot to the imagination.

    Devon had to hide his grimace as he turned to face his master,
    :cheese: I just love that line.

    You have a very personal and unique style of writing. Keep it up. I think you did a lot of research on this. (:
    June 22nd, 2009 at 04:19am
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    Woah. :shock:
    Scary layout, dude.

    I thought it was excellent, and the description used really did help paint a clear picture in the readers head. It seems really different, and oh so interesting and unique. :tehe: Keep up the good work.
    June 21st, 2009 at 11:41pm
  • morsmordre.

    morsmordre. (100)

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    Okay, I thought it was quite good. The imagery was great, I liked how you described their appearances. I only read the first chapter, and I was pulled into the story. It's very mysterious, I like it when it's not blatant. Keep writing, you have talent.
    June 21st, 2009 at 09:33pm
  • deepinthought

    deepinthought (100)

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    This is a very mysterious story indeed. I like it. Subscribing now and keep 'em coming! :)
    June 4th, 2009 at 01:12am
  • AllAmericanGirl

    AllAmericanGirl (100)

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    sounds good so far...cant wait to read more =]
    May 15th, 2009 at 12:02pm
  • DragonxFox

    DragonxFox (100)

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    Aprilette:
    I twitched then laughed at the face on your new layout hahaha
    :lmfao
    May 12th, 2009 at 01:48am
  • Aprilette

    Aprilette (100)

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    I twitched then laughed at the face on your new layout hahaha
    May 11th, 2009 at 01:15am
  • aivia

    aivia (100)

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    I like how Devon is appropriately sarcastic after he has been through. It adds to the affect of the story. Also, I feel compelled to remind you that you have a wonderful summary.
    May 3rd, 2009 at 11:46pm
  • DragonxFox

    DragonxFox (100)

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    Xx.Potato_Pirate.xX:
    Wow love this!
    Why haven't more people commented :(
    Can't wait for updates
    YAY
    Thanks for commenting!
    Hope you like the updates :hug:
    May 2nd, 2009 at 10:36pm
  • DragonxFox

    DragonxFox (100)

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    GreenBlob:
    Ooooh it sounds awesome ;D
    I love it XD

    New subscriber!
    Yay a subscriber!
    Thanks for commenting :hug:
    May 2nd, 2009 at 10:36pm
  • Georgia Fair

    Georgia Fair (105)

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    Ooooh it sounds awesome ;D
    I love it XD

    New subscriber!
    May 2nd, 2009 at 10:32am
  • dreamcatcher;

    dreamcatcher; (255)

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    Wow love this!
    Why haven't more people commented :(
    Can't wait for updates
    YAY
    March 30th, 2009 at 10:45am
  • Aprilette

    Aprilette (100)

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    oooooo i like
    November 15th, 2008 at 09:39pm