June 26th, 2009 at 07:48am
Rate/Review Game.
Scipio, being a full demon, could alter his appearance to make himself handsome. At this moment, Scipio was showing his true disgusting form...His body is of the average size and height for demons; around seven foot two in human standards, and finely built.
A very good description. A good and realistic, it brings characters to life.
"Devon, you are to go to the human realm and bring me this human. Alive." Scipio said, showing him an image of the human girl.
That is a very powerful line. Full of imagery, and leaves a lot to the imagination.
Devon had to hide his grimace as he turned to face his master,
:cheese: I just love that line.
You have a very personal and unique style of writing. Keep it up. I think you did a lot of research on this. (:
Chapter One.
As the demon of doubt, Scipio merely had to make eye contact or break your mental defenses to have you writhing on the floor begging for mercy or death.
I must say, I like this line quite a bit. After reading about Scipio's appearance, this line made a very powerful statement to me. The line, as simple as it may be made my mind wander as I pictured an unfortunate being writhing on the floor, screams echoing about in small chamber.
The girl in the image was glaring at some other human with her hazel eyes; her dark brown hair fell in waves slightly past her shoulders, she hardly stood out in the photo, wearing baggy sweatpants and an equally baggy sweater the woman seemed to have just left her bed, let alone her home.
This line, on the other hand, left me confused. I understood the description but it was very hard to follow. It seemed very run-on and I think perhaps the sentence should have ended at 'slightly past her shoulders'. Then, continuing on. A few commas might do the sentence good.
Devon took one look at his bare room and snickered. This room simply served as a reprieve from the annoyances that lay outside.
I like this line as well. Devon is a great character and his actions and thoughts keep me hooked. But I really did like the second sentence there. :tehe:
I liked the beginning, more so for the fact that it kept me wondering. Why does Scipio want the human girl and will Devon ignore the consequences and betray Scipio.
The descriptions were great and left an image tattooed in my mind. The power behind most of the statements left me shocked as well.
Chapter 2
The bright city lights caused Devon to hiss in pain. Those darned humans, always needing to create brighter lights and once they created the brightest, they moved on like the idiots they were and made them colorful.
This made me laugh out loud, literally. My dad began looking at me strangely after I began laughing at the sentence. I laugh only because of his reaction and because the statement it so undeniably true.
Stepping out of the darkened alley he had willed himself to, Devon walked down the semi crowded streets. Couples, groups of people, and a few solitary people walked by him. Devon made sure none of them actually touched him, or his clothes. Some of the humans had most of their flesh visible, others had metal objects pierced to their lips, eyebrows, ears, and Lords only knew where else.
I would make that semi-crowded, with the hyphen. The rest of the paragraph was well written and sadly provoked my slightly perverted mind. :tehe:
"Hey big guy, my friends and I were wondering if you had some spare time you could spend with us" the apparent leader of the group said to Devon.
You're missing a comma at the end of the quote there.
The rest of the chapter was brilliant, I think. It made me frown out of concern for the woman and growl in anger at the man, once again earning another look from my dad. The end nearly had me clapping for Devon and slightly cheering for him to kill the man.
Overall, I think this story is really good and aside from some grammar and punctuation errors, I'm pretty eager to read the rest of it and I'll shortly be subscribing after I'm done writing this. Like I said before, I like the descriptions and thought must have really been put into this. So, I hope I did alright for my first review and good luck with the rest of the story. :cute: