Screaming - Comments

Wow... That was amazing!

This may be just me, but I hate it when a story starts out with the word "she". If you need to start out with a person and don't want to give a name, I personally just prefer "the girl" or something of the like. Anyway, that was extremely vivid and I loved it. I could see it all so clearly and it was just written so well. I enjoyed reading it in present tense; I think it added something to it that past couldn’t. It definitely grabs you and makes you, and me, want to read onward.

I found your story on the First Chapter Competition and I've already read other two entries (besides mine, obviously). You got my kudos n_n. I personally hate fan fictions, so the other ones where not that interesting; besides, yours posses imagination and a lot of describing -which I love.

Kudos again n_n

I will be reviewing chapter three while I read :cute:.

STORY/REVIEW GAME.

I read the first paragraph – what does her bracelets have to do with anything? Besides that they shine? I personally thought that line was forced and is just there. But I must point that for a short length of the chapter you seem to make up for the full paragraphs :cute: so that’s a good thing.

Jenn stares at the warehouse, faded lettering above her head disjointedly spelling “H-O--LIS--R RE---RCH DIV-S--N”, electronic lock next to the door blinking erratically, warm sun making the aluminum walls glint and shine in the light.

Now, I must say you do use great imagery and description. The sentences are bit too long though. Now I don’t know if you meant for it to be a certain way – but… I believe you’re missing a word between ‘electronic’ and the comma. Correct me if I’m wrong though.

Rachel glances up to see a third woman entering the building, limp, greasy, black hair hanging down her back, baggy black cargo pants being pulled further down by the dull “silver” chains hanging from every loop and buckle.

Why was the word silver quotated? If it’s some type of metal, or if it’s look like silver – then it shouldn’t have quotations, maybe ‘these’ things instead?

Alright! Now the whole bracelet thing makes sense to me! *Says ‘thank you’ to Ashley*. Why do you keep describing their looks repeatily? I think one time of their hairstyle and teeth are enough – right? Unless the chapter is super long, then that’s understandable – but still.

Cliff hanger! Wow! This story is unique in some form, and immense in other cases. I liked the preface better though :cute:. But overall the imagery is really, really good.

Story/Review gamelate, my bad!

Okay, well right from the Preface it breaks into intensity and I was like WHOA! It just goes BAM in your face.

Well for the preface, one thing kept bothering me:

Red hair is plastered to her head, wet crimson streaks painted against the orange.

If it's red hair, how can crimson streaks be painted against the orange? I would be a bit more detailed with the colors; maybe the hair is more 'ginger' or 'auburn' than just red? It was just kinda gnawing at me a bit.

Okay, moving on. I like your word usage. Lots of action verbs, makes the whole thing very dramatic and suspenseful. Some of the words you use really made me go :cheese:, like:

another scream rips itself from her lips

The image of teeth bared in an insane grin really gave me the creeps, because I could imagine a freaky Cheshire Cat/jester's grin and it gives me the chills. I really liked that, it was -- as I said a million times -- intense.

Moving onto the first real chapter, there was a grammatical error that bothered me.

post it note in the second paragraph should be capitalized, as it is a name brand. If you wanted to call it a sticky note or an adhesive note or something, then you wouldn't have to. Just bothered me, I'm kinda perfectionist about those little things.

Midway, where you're talking about April, I really liked that part. Her character really draws my attention because she seems so normal and uninvolved. The fact that the clerk knows more than the girl does is something that really makes you wonder about him, like whether or not he's involved in these...attacks? or not. The way he mentions that the attacker always picks such pretty girls is a lovely aspect, I love that thing, it sounds so foreshadowing of something to come.

Again, sorry if I'm a bother, just a grammatical error: "You're short a few love." needs a comma before 'love'. :tehe: I'm sorry, I must sound so annoying with all my little bothers. And in Rebecca's piece, "I know what you're looking for." He murmurs., should be a comma after 'for' and a lowercase H in 'he'.

Altogether, the chapter is very intriguing and draws the reader in. Each of the stories for each of the girls makes me wonder if they're all interconnected in some way or another, and probably are if I'm right at that point. I love how each of their situations is different and they all seem so different.

For the next chapter, I like how it's still all broken up for each character, although I'm sort of wondering why there are so many girls. The line:

She will find nothing but more silence between the bare walls of the empty building.

was simply beautiful, and I really liked it. It sort of made her seem hopeless, even though she doesn't know it yet.

Rachel's part in this chapter was very interesting, as she watches another woman (dunno who it is?) enter the building. The fact that you don't find out until the third paragraph there that she too has to go into the building was very ironic, because she seems to be watching the woman with disdain of some sort.

Christina is lost, and she knows it.

Now I really liked that. I dunno why, I think it was the simplicity and factuality of it. Just simply, she's lost and she doesnt make any move to make herself think other wise. That like just struck me.

The last bit with Christina and Ashley is a slight bit confusing, but altogether interesting as well. I'm left wondering why only they find each other, but not the other four or so women who entered the building, though.

It's a very interesting and mysterious story, and I do like it a lot.

Story/Review game.

Wow, I haven't been this drawn into a thriller/murder fic in a while. I read from the start and genuinely loved it. The concept to me is really good; you've let me know only partly what's going on and I really want to find out more. Why is this man calling women, telling them to buy expensive items from one store, and then leading them to a warehouse? My first thought was that it's his way of stealing - he gets victims to pay for items they deliver, then murders them - but now I just have a feeling theres more to it than that.

Anyway, you asked me to review chapter three, so here I go.

The shadow steps to the side, closing the door behind her; the click of the latch making her jump and twist back to the door, pulling the handle and backing away, slumping against the wall with a sigh when the door doesn’t open. I really love your imagery and the way you describe things. You have a unique way with words, and they all fit together gorgeously. One thing I'll point out as con-crit in the quote I just gave is your use of punctuation. The semi-colon isn't needed there - you place a semi-colon when the two clauses it seperates could make sense with a comma or a full stop. If you'd have changed 'making' to 'makes' it would have made more grammatical sense, and the whole thing itself is a bit of a run-on sentence. Your long sentences are lovely at times but be careful not to cram too many clauses and commas in there, or it stifles the flow. Just a minor thing, but watch out for it when you continue writing. :]

I love how you have little sections of different girls, calling them by their first name only. I can't describe the effect it gives but it seems quite spooky. Like these girls all have fairly common names and they could be anybody, as they have no surname. I'm interested to see where you take this - are you just dropping them in once and then speak of them no more as we know they'll be dead, or are they going to play major roles as characters later on? Because if it's the latter, I'm interested to see where your characterisation goes. If you don't build them up it may get confusing, as I got a little muddled with all their names whist reading, but I have every faith that you'll execute it well, whatever plot twist this takes.

I like the present tense you've used in the story. It builds supense, makes it seem like it's happening right now, and its something I personally love and use alot in a story.

Backing away from the sound, stumbling and tripping into the next hallway, feeling her way in the poorly lit space, she hurries, kicking up dust in thin clouds. A breath drives the dust up her nose, and she sneezes violently, loudly. Although you have another run-on sentence here, I really like your imagery. You sometimes tend to cram too much description in along with too many commas - I maybe would have rephrased the first part as Backing away from the sound, she stumbles and trips into the next hallway. Feeling her way in the poorly lit space, she hurries, kicking up dust in thin clouds. I love the imagery of the dust being driven up someone's nose, it's a really unique way of describing it, bt you didn't need the extra modifier on the end. If someone sneezed violently, we assume they do it loudly as well.

I really want to know Ashley and Christina's fate. You haven't mentioned them beforehand and because they're already in the warehouse, I want to know how they got there. Ashely seems creepy to me - maybe she's been planted there as an accomplice of this man, acting, drawing Christina to her death?

I thought you ended it well, and overall I really, really enjoyed it. I'm being picky with my reviews because I feel that's the way to go, and to me they're made to help people with their writing. I always feel a bit guitly if I don't give con-crit in a review. :tehe:

I've subscribed, and I hope you post the next chapter soon. Keep up the good work. (:

Oh snaps. This is really interesting. I hate how hard it is to find a decent horror story on here.

You should update soon. (:

Anyway, I'll probably leave a better comment next time...

It would be nice to see a summary. Even a quick few sentences. I generally won't even read a story if it doesn't have a summary. I'd like to know what I'm getting into before hand.

I'm going to sound repetitive next to all the other comments. You did a fantastic job in the first chapter, so it's a little hard not to say what others have already said. You didn't overwhelm the reader with details, but there was enough to get a really detailed picture of what was happening. I like how you didn't give full length descriptions of either character, or their names. Adds suspense.

I continued on to the second chapter because I want to see where this story will go. This is one of the only stories that I don't mind the break with **. You're not doing a time lapse or anything like most people do on here.

You built the suspense very well in the second chapter. You don't tell what Emma bought or if that's even what she's supposed to be bringing to this place. Then you go to Jessica. We - the readers - don't know if Emma gave Jessica what she's bringing to the warehouse, or if she's bringing something else. Or if they'll meet each other there. Then there's April. We're not told much about her role yet, but we know she's been "chosen" from "He always chooses such pretty women..." he thought. and The clerk wonders what her scream will sound like. It makes you want to keep reading to find out.

By the end of this chapter it's obvious everyone mention is connected to this mysterious man and his plan. Now I want to know what this bracelet has to do with the story. From what I've connected between the two chapters, April is the redhead and Jessica is the brunette?

I don't really have any other con crit than about the summary. I think you did a very good job.

I'll be coming back for more ^_^

Story/Review Game

The first thing I noticed about this story was that it was in the present tense. I like the originality in that. Some people don't really know how to handle it but I thought you did a pretty good job with it. The only problem though is that sometimes you put a bit too many commas where you could've put ''and'', to make it flow nicer.

Now, your description is really vivid and I bet everyone who's read this had no trouble imagining what was going on. The preface was really vivid and to the point. The gorey-ness at the end was something else. :tehe: But perhaps you should put a little warning in the summary, saying it's not for minors, or something like that.

The sweat trickling down her face mingles with her tears, a salty liquid burning the cuts on her shoulders and neck. Red hair is plastered to her head, wet crimson streaks painted against the orange.
I looove red hair and this description of it, with the ''crimson streaks painted against the orange'', that was fantastic. Word choice = great!

The second chapter kind of confused me though...I didn't see how all the girls related but that's probably because I'm just stupid. It was so eerie when you wrote ''The clerk wonders what her scream will sound like.'' It just sounded so matter-of-fact that it was scary. O_O

I think you work well with thrillers/scary stories, because you have good imagery and I can tell that you see the picture really clrealy in your mind's eye before you right it down, which is always good.

So yeah, that was a really good thriller, and I must say you are one for descriptions.
:cute:

Story/Review Game

I do hope you don't mind that what I say will probably be redundant from the previous comments above me :tehe:

The opening was :whoa intense, compelling and graphic I couldn't take my eyes off the computer screen. It was a jaw dropper. Your writing was done brilliantly, flawless to say the least. While I was reading a lot of questions ran though my mind. I wanted to know what had happening and you reading this honestly gave me goose bumps.

There were many lines that were my favorite :

"Red hair is plastered to her head, wet crimson streaks painted against the orange."

"Her face is streaked with gore, dark blood and chunks of hair on her arms and hands."

"The grin that has been plastered on the brunette's face twists into a grimace, and the screech of rage pushing past her lips morphs into a howl." - You have a way with words that fit perfectly together and the tone and descriptiveness you've put into it was beautiful.

Well done.

I know this wasn't much, but I enjoyed this even though I did read only the first chapter. I can tell this is going to be a great story.

Story/Review Game:

I’m writing this as I go.

First of all, the layout is awesome. The colouring and the morbid nature of it really adds to the sense of foreboding I get from the story, and also from its title too. It fits.

Now, on to the story.
The opening was strong, and I like that it started during a dramatic scene. It immediately captured my attention and left something to be discovered; why is she injured? Why is she running? The language you use flows well and is vivid. I thought this line was particularly well done: Red hair is plastered to her head, wet crimson streaks painted against the orange. It’s almost described as picturesque, in a grotesque way; the way it’s described makes me think of different paint colours blending together. And I like the contrast there.

…another scream rips itself from her lips before she remembers she must be quiet. That was another line that stood out to me; it suddenly introduces another character, not yet known to me, but it gives a sense that someone else is around and adds to the suspense. And the way you wrote that was an effective way of making the presence known without blatantly saying it.

Just one small thing. A crash resonates from behind her and she breaks into a sprint, five leaping steps hit the floor before she catches her ankle and topples to the ground with a scream. I think this line might work better if it were seperated into two, or seperated with a semi-colon.

The words you use are perfect for this kind of story; it doesn’t gloss over the goriness of the whole scene. And the contrast between this and the opening of chapter two works really well; going from action to something more placid. But there’s still an uneasy air to it, or maybe that’s just me, but I’m wondering how the two chapters relate.

The introduction of the four girls (by name at least, as I assume that April is the girl from the previous chapter) was well-structured; I can tell from the way it’s set out that they must be connected in some way or will be soon. And the little things that are included help to build suspense and mystery; such the unnamed man and how they aren’t supposed to mention him, and what the clerk says about April. The dialogue works well too; it flows naturally.

It’s really well put together; I can tell that it’s leading up to something big. And there’s still plenty to find out; who the man is, why she needs the bracelet, what pictures he has that she doesn’t want him to put on the internet… it all appears well planned. And I especially like the description of the bracelet.

This chapter is just as good as the first! I loved it! You added so much more mystery, I'm asking so many questions about everything.

I love how you changed the mood of the story so quickly. The first paragraphs are all happy and carefree, the as soon as the word apprehensively comes into it, suddenly everything isn't fine and dandy.

First off, I thought the use of present tense was a good choice. It gave the piece a certain air it couldn’t have achieved otherwise. wieght should be weight.

The sweat trickling down her face mingles with her tears, a salty liquid burning the cuts. I think it would be better if you replaced a withthe in this sentence.

The sweat trickling down her face mingles with her tears, the salty liquid burning the cuts. Sound better?

Her face is streaked with gore, dark blood and chunks of hair on her arms and hands. If you split this into separate sentences, it would flow a lot better. Replace the comma with a period.

A foot kicks into her face, she passes out with a sigh, passing her organs to the concrete, letting the blood puddle around her. This doesn’t really sound right. I think if you used collides with or something like that, it would flow a bit better. Also, rather than a comma between “face” and “she”, try “and”. passing her organs to the concrete. This line doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me..

Well, now that that’s out of the way.. You have a great gift with description. You use a lot of adjectives,which is great for a gore piece like this one, because the reader can really picture what’s happening to the character. Her once-white blouse hangs from her torso, drenched strips of fabric slapping against her skin with every step. This line really stands out. The reade’s left imagining how on earth, her shirt got so torn, and you can almost hear the fabric.

I think you did a pretty good job. Just fix what I said above and you’ve got a decent gore fic. :cute:

I liked it a lot. The detail and description was amazing honestly. I liked that this was a preface – but knowing me, I wished that this was chapter one, instead of another chapter that comes much later in the story (I don’t know how to build to a point when I write) but I liked the imagery, and how it was like I was there, behind her.

The thing I like about you’re imagery, it’s that you catch you’re character in the movement and moment. It’s like I walked in on her fear, like I was just someone passing who witnessed her running from something. I admire that a lot :D. So I’m jealous of that :D.

There was one spelling mistake; you spelled ‘weight’, ‘wieght’. But that’s the only negative I have to say about this preface. I was entertained and wished there was more of this to read :D. I honestly wanted to continue reading of how well this was written. So good job :D.

Ugh, we had a blackout and I lost my comment. So I shall write you a new one :D

She tears through the corridor, breath rushing harshly from her lungs in short gasps.
Great first sentence. It really draws people in. the whole first paragraph was well done.

Tentative wieght is set upon it; another scream rips itself from her lips before she remembers she must be quiet.
This was nice and creepy, and like bodysnatcher! said, the word "rips" really shows us what her scream sounded like.
"She remembers she must be quiet" - that really chilled me. It made me wonder straight away, why does she have to be quiet? Is something chasing her? Why are they chasing her?

The grin that has been plastered on the brunette's face twists into a grimace, and the screech of rage pushing past her lips morphs into a howl.
Creepy. Imagery is beautiful here, I could see her face so clearly.

This is really well written, I can't wait for the rest of the story. :D

Story/Review Game.



This is fantastic. Your choice of words is incredible; it absolutely brings the story to life. This is the kind of writing that I expect to see in a book. Hell, no, not even just a book. A New York Times-best selling one. The prologue alone is that good.

I could imagine everything as if it were happening right in front of my eyes. I saw the redhead being dragged across pavement and it sent a chilling terror down my spine. You didn't describe the floor much, but I could imagine the roughness and how it scathed her knees.

I have a couple favorite lines:

She tears through the corridor...
I loved that one. I thought it was a very interesting beginning. I like how you used "tears" instead of "runs." It was a nice touch and it added to the scene. It applied a hint of intrigue and I felt her fear. Great job.

blood trickling from the compound fracture in her ankle
Great imagery.

another scream rips itself from her lips
Your word choice here is great. I could imagine the way the scream sounded. Strangled. Horrific.

streaking her blood onto the pale concrete
I'm the kind of person who pays attention to small detail. I liked how you mentioned this. It gives it more of a realism to it.

This is great, really.
Well done. :arms: