Serena: A Whole New Breed of Vampire - Comments

I loved this story, it's so funny and quirky. I hope you continue it!

Just so you know I have read the books BEFORE I saw the movie i changed the people because I'm NOT Stephen Myers and I wrote this how i wanted the book more to go

I also chose the attitudes the way I wanted them to be she is immature in you opinion but she isnt in my opinion at all Serena was created to be the OPPOSITE Bella the crazy outgoing girl not Bella so dont compare her to Bella which you didnt admit to doing but you know you did it is common reflex when reading a fanfic

I totally uderstand what you mean by the second POV i've ben trying to get out of that habit but i just cant and i dont have enough time to reedit all of my work right now i will probably reedit it this summer

Honestly, I loved it and hated it all at once.
My reasoning:
I loved it because of the random-osity, and in that way it vaguely makes it a spoof. And i'm always up for a good spoof.
But, There was alot of things I didn't like about it. The fact that it wasn't a spoof totally puts me off. The Cullens are completely out of character. I know that this is a fanfic, and you should try and twist the characters to what you want...but this was just too much. Especially the kissing scene in the library.
Could you be a bit more realistic about Rosalie's atitude? She would not love a character right from the get-go. Especially not one that rivaled her beauty.

Speaking of 'Serena', i've got to say.. her description was so stereotypically what this new generation of writers wants their characters to be. 'White blonde hair with pink streaks'. She's got the build of a model? In highschool? Really?

Also, She's very immature. Completely rude, and talks back to teachers. I think that was cool back when I was in the sixth grade. Show some respect.

Edward would not be attracted to her type. Even if she did smell as good as Bella. Alice would not have told her everything after being friends with her for one day. Vampires are a secret for a reason.

One more thing..The second person view is not the best to do this story in. It makes me feel like i'm in a Mad Lib.

Please don't be upset by my comments. I'm just trying to help you out by pointing out some flaws. This could help you later down the road.

Also, I'm guessing you saw the movie before you read the book. If you've read the book at all.

although it might not be exatly the same as stephanie meyers books, every person has their own interpretation of edward, bella (serena in this case) and everyone else. this is how morgan interpreted them and this is how she created her story.

well done so far for your writing its awsome:)

evil.kuh.nevil:

3. Don't listen to the Stupidsadistic because like her username says she's stupid. And how you choose to write your fanfic is your choice. Fanfics are for your pleasure.

That, was just rude. I already apoligized to the author of this story for the things I said, and I served a month's ban-time from the boards.

Consider yourself reported.

UPDATE SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS STORY!!!!!!!!!

well I didn't read your story yet but I want to say that
1. If you say the girl has a victoria secret model body than it's perfectly fine, that means she has a flat stomach and her boobs are large, and her legs are long. It doesn't neccessarily mean the girl looks like a grown woman. So Stupidsadistic; was wrong there.
2. How you make the Cullen's sound is your choice, I'm sure they sound way better than how Stephanie Meyer made them sound.
3. Don't listen to the Stupidsadistic because like her username says she's stupid. And how you choose to write your fanfic is your choice. Fanfics are for your pleasure.

hey girl it's me Amadi and don't listen to them...keep doing wat you do....their just HATER! (Or some of them.) but i love it's just so funny to read wat u right.

i liked your story, although there were some things...

like the main character...Serena, i dont think there was that much of a need for her to be perfect..

and i think that the Twilight characters are not really like they are in the book...
but i can understand why you changed some things because no-one is stephanie meyer, but stephanie..

but its your story and you can write what you want... :D

your story is kinda... weird but i like it =D tho i think Serena is a little too much immature but it's her after all no? lol. -hugs- mai

i liked chapter 4 haha it wa funny how she treated her teacher, i did that to mine once. although i got in trouble. damn. but yeah. it was good :) update soon my oklahoma friend ;)

*Warning!
I am very bad with words so if you take this the wrong way message me its sappose to be good^^

I get what Stupidsadistc; is saying and your right she shouldn't have been rude, but it is also your story and what you make them say is your buisness! Go girl you rock I found it so funny around the end. And when you had said she had a body of a victoria's secret model it is mainly a shorter way of saying she had a perfect body for her age blah blah blah, so I woul like to think. But one quistion thing how can a Scene/Emo be a cheerleader? just asking.Plus 'perfection' can mean a lot of things but unfortunally I can't describe them because I can't its at the tip of my tounge but I can't say it tip of deal.
Thats all folks have a sweet day ha love your story!

zero;:

^ That's not very nice. At least be poilite, you're being kind of rude. If you don't like the story give constructive criticism or just ignore it.

Geez.

I agree. We're looking for con-crit here, not hurtful flames. I'm sure you were just trying to help, but don't be so condescending andmean when you're giving it.

Eesh, honey. You switched POV's right from the get go. The first sentence was first person, and the rest was 2nd? I don't get it.

I suggest you get a beta to help you out, ok? There's ALOT that can be fixed.

^ That's not very nice. At least be poilite, you're being kind of rude. If you don't like the story give constructive criticism or just ignore it.

Geez.

Oh my god.
I finally know what the people in the Things You Hate To See In Writing thread are talking about.

Are you kidding me? You describe your character as perfection. Okay, this may be FanFiction, but that is just... completely unrealistic. You stereotype your character to no end, and every guy in the story lusts after her. That is completely absurd. People like you give FanFiction a bad name. I mean honestly your character is:
Scene/Emo (Like I said, that was just stereotypical and insulting)
A cheerleader(Honestly?)
Has the body of a Victoria's Secret Model. Okay, Victoria's Secret model's are grown women. Not high school students, okay. There's absolutely no way that she could have the body of a Victoria's Secret Model when she isn't even fully developed yet. Get realistic.

Now, about the way you portrayed Stephanie Meyer's characters.
Yes, I have read the books, so don't make that assumption.

The Cullens are all horribly Out Of Character.
I couldn't imagine them saying anything you made them say. And as if they'd become friends with her on her first day. The Cullens are anti-social, remember? Or did you just go see the movie? Besides, Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and Emmet are soul mates. Okay? There's absolutely no way they'd give the other up for your character.

This was utterly ridiculous. I could go on and on about all of the things that are wrong with this horrible story, but that would be a waste of my time. But hopefully my commenting wasn't a waste of yours. I hope after reading this you understand just how... comepletely bad this was.

this is good.
update soon?