Ultraviolet - Comments

I never thought I'd ever find a story written in second person that is actually good. But you did it. You actually did the impossible thing. I love you for that! :]

The way you portrayed them, made it seem very real. Like it was actually a McFly fic, and not just a fic were you used their names, if you get what I mean. The way to made them talk, and act and stuff, was really realistic, about the way I myself picture them.

And I love the ending! It was so sweet, yet not too cliche. Sort of cliche, without the cliche part - if that makes any sense.
Anyways, thank you for sharing!

You know, I really do love your writing. Everything I've read by you so far has been so excellent, and this definitly is no exception to that rule.

First of all, I don't even listen to McFly, but I loved this story. It wasn't one of those fanfics where you have to know everything about the band in order to get it. Plus, it wasn't one of those typical slash stories full of Gary-Sues and other such cliches.

And honestly, I don't know why more people haven't read this. Is it the length? Because honestly, some of the best stories are long ones, this included. I actually prefer longer stories in most situations, since the reader can get more into it and the author has much more of a chance to develop the plot. And I love the point of view you put it in! I have honestly never come across a story on here that's pulled it off, except for this wonderful tale :)

Ok, I'd better shut up now and get on with the actual plot... lol.

First of all, I didn't notice any major typos. I think maybe a few places where commas should have been, two words that weren't typed right, but that's it. So insignifigant that I don't even remember where they are anymore :XD

You put a wonderful amount of thought into this. Like... wow. Most people wouldn't go into depth about why Tom was in such an angst-filled state. It would be OMG MY GF WAZ A BITCH LETZ MAKE OWT! But definitly not with this. I loved how you wove the mystery of it all. Like, right away the reader knew that there was something wrong with Tom because of the breakup, but the writing was done in such a way it made me curious to find out why everything turned out the way it did.

The hangover was a wonderful way to make a colorful beginning. This line : How come everyone else seems to get let off so lightly? was one of my favorites. It made me smile and get a sense of Harry's hangover mood, and I thought that whole part was really well done. You introduced the characters in a really nice, subtle way.

Usually he’s up and chirpy by two o’clock in the afternoon, having been out for a run or to the shops, and either in the studio strumming out dribbles of tunes that may eventually be born into songs or walking round the house searching every nook and cranny for inspiration. But all his pacing within the last few weeks has been in despair, and the sounds that leak from the crack under the shared studio door are stifled sobs and frustrated sighs.

Sorry to quote so much, but this was one of my favorite parts of the whole story. In this short space I really got the feel for the dark change in Tom's mood, and this was also the first time I ever really felt like something was really wrong with this picture. It even made me feel sorry for the other guys in the band, since they have to put up with this and it's got to be very difficult for them.

The Star Wars scene was really nicely thought out. I liked how that one part showed just how tense everythign was with the band, and it made me wonder if things would straighten themselves out soon. I got a sense that if they didn't, then the band would be in huge trouble.

How you set up the bar to be the main backdrop of the story was pretty awesome. I liked the idea of a bar open on Christmas eve to begin with. I may be reading a little too far into this, but the confused, hectic party setting seemed to really reflect Harry's emotional situation at that period of his life. Unsteady, confused, ridden with flashes of emotional color. Ok, I'll quit being weird now....

The way you described Dougie at the bar, it kinda made me feel he's the kid of the group. The description of how little it takes for him to get drunk, and how thrilled he is to get liquor without an ID, it made me smile.

Gio really aggrivated me for some reason. I wanted to punch her in the face at some parts. But still, you pulled her off in a way that's realistic. The ultra-controlling, paranoid girlfriend. Yet, from the moment she told Harry to get out of her way, she was annoying me to no end.

Harry's concern for Tom was really sweet. I love how you foreshadowed it through the whole story, it really made it much more realistic. When Gio shows up, when he wants to go after Tom, and even when he eavesdrops really added to the whole thing.

My heart nearly stopped when read about Harry dropping the beer bottle. AT first I thought that Harry was going to have to deal with a Tom who refused to talk to him, but I was glad that he went with Harry in the car.

You can feel the embarrassment radiating from him, and almost roll your eyes at the fact that he feels shy about crying in front of you now.

I really loved that line, it painted quite the picture in my head.

That scene in the car was really well done. When Tom was describing how psycotic Gio was being... it was just so wonderfully realistic. I actually laughed at Gio for being like that. The idea of them being gay from a DVD? Uh.... But the wondeful thing is, I know more than one girl who would totally react that way. I loved the irony that Gio had a right to be worried in the end :XD

The ending was perfect. I really liked how Harry suddenly realized that Gio really had a reason to be worried, and how Harry and Tom just came together like that in the end.

But all that matters now is that it’s not dangerous for him because his muscles are loosening and it’s exactly what you want, to make him feel better. You feel his heart thud against yours but it’s not from stress or anger anymore, and the temperature in the car suddenly increases tenfold as Tom grips your salty lips in some blend of desperation, passion and release.

Just... wow. I love how you combined Harry's protectiveness with the heat of the moment. Awesome blending of two different things into one!

The thing about Christmas was really sweet, and a nice, happy way to end this. I'm glad you didn't go the whole suicide/angst/self harm route with this, it's a nice change from a lot of slash on here, especially Frerards. I was left with a feeling of hope for the two of them, and this fluttery feeling in my chest. Awesome, awesome job.

“Oh, bollocks to that.” And as snowflakes begin to settle on the exterior of the chilled windows, you lean back into his body and wish him a happy new year with all the reassurance you have in your lips.

Best. Ending. Ever. *applauds*

Thank you for writing this wonderful piece of fiction, thanks a ton. And expect more reviews from me as I slowly catch up with all that needs to be done!

Story/Review Game.

Wow, Sam =) As I just said on MSN, how the fuck did you write this? :lmfao Must've taken you yonks.

I liked the subtle hints of comedy you put in there, to kind of counteract the overall unhappy mood of it, like Danny's northern dialect, and the references to the Behind The Scenes parts of the DVD :tehe:

This particular quote made me chuckle too;
"...and your companion’s being towed away by someone who looks as though they wouldn’t be allowed a glass of bubbly at a family wedding."
I find it clever how you managed to make the sentence funny, without it being too blunt, and keeping it descriptive at the same time. If you get my drift. xD.

I would agree with Raoul Duke, perhaps about its length, but you managed to make it so interesting throughout, the that didn't really matter at the end of the day. I'm also the same with the 2nd person, but I did get used to it, and the story still flowed just as well as it would have done in any of the other persons.

And there you go, another half-arsed review from your dear old retarded friend =) Keep writing, srsly. Mibba needs someone like you =D
xxx

This is definitely, by far the best story I have ever read on mibba.
It's written beautifully. I truly did adore this.
Your effort shows in this, and it obviously paid off.
You have incredible talent and that is a fact. :]

<3
I loved this, you've got mad freaking skill.

Story Reveiw Game.
:arms:

Oh my God that was so CUTE and adorable and wonderful. Seriously, I adored it. There were a few parts where all I really wanted was for the story to move on and get to the point, but it all fell together so perfectly at the end.
It was beautiful, darling. Simply beautiful.

My favorite quotes are definately these:
Neon lights throw the digits 13:37 across your face as you lean over the bed, scrabbling for anything to cover up your nudity beneath the damp, pathetic excuse for a duvet cover.

Navigating your way to the bar proves tricky. Every person you slide past seems to heighten your senses; the strobe lights blind you and the thumping bass ricochets through your brain and the feel of strangers’ bodies on your stomach as you gently push past them makes you tingle.

A flash of light automatically dilates your pupils and your chest expands as you try to draw air in panic; both of you feel the car slide across an icy patch, narrowly missing a Chevy hurtling in the other direction, its horn blaring in anger at your distraction from the road. You manage to collect yourself to pull on the handbrake as your heart pounds as if for release from your body, and Tom gapes at you with fear combined with hurt from your previous comment.

They just caught my attention and brought me back to the story every time my attention began to wander.

You have such a gift for writing - this was so good.
The only thing I can think of to criticize is probably how long and involved it was, but like I said, it all came together so perfectly in the end that it doesn't particularly matter how long it is.
Also, writing this in the 2nd person seemed to make it a little bit awkward and hard to sink into the story, but after the 3rd paragraph one gets used to it, so I suppose that doesn't matter really either.

Brilliant job - you can definately tell that you spent a lot of time and effort on this.

:arms:

Aw, I didn't get to take your comment virginity.

I would have done this yesterday but I got busy. Sorry, love. :hug:

Okay. For one, I just want to marvel the layout a little bit because I'm shit at layouts and so whenever I see a good one I just kind of drool over it for a while. Like the Transylvania banner, I love the Ultraviolet one; it just works so well. And I love that color purple.

Not like that's really important, but I just thought I'd let you know. :tehe:

Anyways, about the story. It was long but beautiful and I loved it. I'm actually a little glad you didn't add the extra-slashy scene because I think it might've ruined the mood and the sort of bittersweet happiness of that moment. Plus it means I get another story to read. :XD

I really love the second person. I find that extremely difficult, and very few writers can pull it off, but you did and it was amazing. And also, it gave the impression that I was kissing Tom and, well...:shifty

Please don't kill me. *hides*

I love the way they speak. Especially Danny. I haven't watched a lot of interviews, but it definitely sounded like him. And Dougie sounded like Dougie. Tom wasn't really Tom but he wasn't supposed to be Tom so that was all good.

And I felt like Harry so...:tehe:

Maybe tomorrow it might, but right now all that’s occupying your thoughts is that the soft moan that breaks from Tom’s throat when you shift your hips like that is possibly the hottest thing you’ve felt in a long time.

;;P I really like that line. I know I said that having anything explicit would have ruined the mood, but that was perfect. The right amount of slashy sexual connotation for the tone and I was all like :yah :yah

I don't "know" Giovanna. Meaning I've never seen her or whatever...but the way you characterized her, it made her seem real. I dunno, with the jealousy and the chill and her rashness just seemed so real. Like, you know how you read stories like Frerards and like Lyn-Z and Jamia are like complete bitches and it just makes you wonder, "What the fuck were they doing with them in the first place if they're such bitches?"

You turned that cliche into a non-cliche. If that makes any sense. The way you did it just didn't seem over-dramatic or unhuman. Humans get jealous like that and become irrational and it was just imperfect in that perfect characterization way.

I don't know if that makes any sense. I hope so.

Oh and I noticed this: when you're talking about the shots that Dougie and Harry had to have, in that paragraph, the had that's supposed to be italicized has both ending marks...so you should probably fix that. :shifty

Otherwise, it was an amazing story that doesn't need any more edits. You did a great job, and this review doesn't even come close to portraying how much I enjoyed it. Like, seriously, reading it I came near tears and nearly started crying around the middle. Your characters are just that real to me, and I haven't become this attached to a fandom so quickly.

You're truly a remarkable writer. :arms: :arms:

Story/Review Game.
I think I'm more than in love with this.
It is so beautifully written and I literally got butterflies. The description was amazing, especially at the begining and at the end when dialogue was not appropriate. I really loved your characterisation, especially Dougie's, as he definitely came across exactly how I imagined him. I also loved the rhetorical questions, used especially at the end during the kiss (which I actually squealed at by the way) as I don't know... it seemed to make the whole affair even sweeter? Maybe even more human? As it displayed his doubts. And Ohmychrist! The way you described the kiss was beautiful, it made it seem so profound. I really am left speechless by this.
Seriously, I have nothing constructive to say as I have never read anything closer to perfect.
And I loved the Star Wars part :tehe:

Sorry about the length of the review, but I cannot fault this at all...