Playtime. - Comments

:shock:

Holy crap.

I loved it. A lot.

And I cannot wait for the second chapter. =]

This was insaneee. It was so interesting and intense. Everything was described with such detail, it was amazing. I liked how you added in aspects about James and Barclay instead of just having the whole story be this blood bath. But I really like the idea behind it, even though gore isn't exactly my thing. One thing, though, the chapter was kind of long. I just personally prefer shorter chapters. But good stuff here, good stuff.

This was insaneee. It was so interesting and intense. Everything was described with such detail, it was amazing. I liked how you added in aspects about James and Barclay instead of just having the whole story be this blood bath. But I really like the idea behind it, even though gore isn't exactly my thing. One thing, though, the chapter was kind of long. I just personally prefer shorter chapters. But good stuff here, good stuff.

This was insaneee. It was so interesting and intense. Everything was described with such detail, it was amazing. I liked how you added in aspects about James and Barclay instead of just having the whole story be this blood bath. But I really like the idea behind it, even though gore isn't exactly my thing. One thing, though, the chapter was kind of long. I just personally prefer shorter chapters. But good stuff here, good stuff.

"Hello, Barclay. I want to play a game."

That specific line, definetely put me back to when I had watched the first Saw film. As Ice Queen said above me, the line seems innocent and nearly child-like, until you get the real part of the scene.

The mentioning of the puppet, however, was what really got me into this. I remember feeling scared shitless when I had watched the movie and reading the way you described it--perfectly, I might add--it brought back the images of its white face and made me literally go, "Oh shit."

Oh and that character, Barclay; I couldn't quite picture what he had done wrong. I first thought it was about an addiction to drugs but I later learned that he was in for a gambling problem.
^And that, m'dear, just added to the suspense in my meter.

But yeah, even though you based this off of the Saw films, I can pretty much say that you've done an excruiatingly wonderful job of making it your own.

I swear, if your story was an actual movie and it was directed by you, I would be first in line to get tickets. :weird

Now, all that's left for me to say is for you to update soon because quite frankly, I see that you haven't posted the next half of this in awhile.

So update soon, 'kay? :arms:

Story/Review game

“Hello, Barclay. I want to play a game.”
To start off, I love how you opened your story with a line that would seem innocent, almost childish if it did not have that unexplainable creepiness to it.

I like how you learn so much about Barclay from another character, the puppet. The puppet is obviously the antagonist, so you wonder how true this can be, but that adds more mystery to it, it made me want to hear more about Barclay.

The blood drains from Barclay’s face as if his cheeks have been slashed clean open.
This was a great simile, and the wording you used added to the mood of the story.

The brunette let out a frustrated sigh. “Just let me get this petal done.”
...
James peers in confusion at the blonde, who sees his face go from uncertainty to fear in a split second.
There's a minor error here- a male with blonde hair would be called a "Blond", and a male with brown hair would be called a "Brunet". I believe you also used "Blonde" and "Brunette" to describe James and Barclay in several other parts of the story.

“Let the game begin.”
It leaves you hanging here as you skip back to the past. It made me want to go on and read more, the suspense was building and then you cut it off, which definitely made me want to read on.

Slowly, the motionless marionette in the tank begins to stir, his head rising upwards and his eyes dazedly peeling open,...
You described James as a marionette- perfect! It added even more creepiness, and the details you used as he started to get up added to the marionette description- I love how you described him getting up in different pieces, like his eyes peeling open and head rising, as if he's being raised by a piece of string.

“Hello, James. I want to play a game.”
:omfg: You could not have picked a better last line. I'm hooked now. There's a huge cliffhanger, and it leaves me desperate to know what will happen next.

Story/Review Game.

I can't stand gory horror stories so if I say nothing about the plot, please forgive me. It's quite likely I'll just pick out amazing/bad sentences and comment on them.

For instance: the throbbing pain in his temples that is exuding through his whole head is drawing attention away from the voice. I would have left out "that is" and "whole". Less is always more, try to keep your writing clean, flab is bad.

:O I love how you make it seem like his face is covered in blood without saying it clearly. Dried blood. "coppery crumbs" "sticky, matted hair" Such wonderful description.

As I'm reading, I'm noticing you seem fond of using too many words. Reread it and see if you can change words/sentences to make the sentences more direct, but do not lose any of your wonderful description.

"top west corner of the room," Either he has a compass in his head or a perfect sense of direction. Use left/right unless your character has an obvious point of reference.

I was completely absorbed by your description of James and Barclay's past, they're dynamic characters and your writing was exceptional for those paragraphs. Either that, or it was that interesting that I couldn't be bothered to look for mistakes, both are great. :)

"But he does not an inch." You're missing "move" here I believe.

It was good. Well written, few spelling mistakes, few grammatically. Cut away some of the extra words you have and it's perfect. For a story I thought I'd hate, it was surprisingly entertaining.

Okay, the critism last time is no longer on here-but its still the same for me. I agree with half of what Aubrey Dessgray said above.

:cheese: :cheese: Words don't describe this chapter, but I'll try to do my best.

You don't write OFs? Because, hun, it sounds like you do. Like it's the most natural thing for you. Barclay and James sound so real...I love their fight (even though at first I thought James pounced on Barclay and was all ready for smut until I re-read and realized James was angry with him...oops :lmfao) and Barclay's addiction to poker. At first I thought it was drugs or sex until I read on. I love the connection between the background and the story.

Oh, that reminds me. I want your layout skills, damnit! They're just so good. It's not fair. Especially the banner. That picture just goes so well along with the plot and the tone.

Lips ghosted at the artist’s ear, soft touches and kisses that knew how to provoke a reaction from countless years of experience, and Barclay slid a hand down James’ arm.

:yah :yah So intimate, and so amazing. Your description is marvelous.

I don't really know what to say. You leave me speechless with your writing. It's so suspenseful and makes me want to know more so badly. The characters are believable, and their feelings are very evident, especially their pain. It was like I was there, watching Barclay and James, sharing their suffering.

I can't wait to read the second part. :arms:

Oh, and by the way...I love the name 'Barclay'. Where did you come up with it?

bloody fuck, this is amazing!

jeez, it pisses me off that all these crappy jonas brothers and hannah montana fics get a million zillion comments, when there's pure gold like this on mibba.

this was just .. wow

Honestly, this is incredible.

Feck messaging. I'm commenting here anyway. So hah. And it's great, of course. Usually I don't like telling people to update, but I can't help it. I HAVE TO KNOW. :]

Aw, I love the Saw movies, they scare me sh!tless. I don't know how you came up with this idea, I wouldn't have enough concentration to plan it out. But I can't wait to know how it ends!

Feck messaging. I'm commenting here anyway. So hah. And it's great, of course. Usually I don't like telling people to update, but I can't help it. I HAVE TO KNOW. :]

Aw, I love the Saw movies, they scare me sh!tless. I don't know how you came up with this idea, I wouldn't have enough concentration to plan it out. But I can't wait to know how it ends!

Wow :weird

Just, wow :weird

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LOL.

*starts acting normal*

It's reallllly good :) It totally puts mine to shame :hand:
At least I have a whole story to try and big up, but it still probably won't be as good as yours, even if yours will only be a two-parter xD
Looking forward to the next part :weird
And also to me getting unstuck for mine xD

ly xxx