December 30th, 2008 at 10:49pm
You're writing is good, the detail is good. I like the detail because you don't leave you're thoughts behind and never conclude them, you finish you're thoughts-and the details are perfect for the reader, the detail is the right amount exactly. I like the hollow, shallow and eerie feeling of this chapter. I like how you portray the characters and you can tell what their doing, its like standing right behind them, watching everything their doing. I like that a lot. Also, I like to comment on the start of the chapter, its wonderful and great-I would like to see this story continued. I'm curious still.
And no that chapter doesn't suck-it's amazing; and who cares if its long or short, you gave perfect amounts of explaining-you opened up the characters. Its amazing, you're writing is good and visual. Keep writing it.
I enjoyed reading this. It was such a touching story, that this girl gave her life to save her sister yet wouldn't tell her why when they were both hovering between life and death. Such a sad and unique idea, and it was executed well. One of my favourite lines was towards the end: I smiled at the thought that I could keep her heart, make it beat again, and never let anything happen to it.
You have good description skills and I really liked some of the words and sentences you used. Again, towards the end, I liked the symbolism of the white light, And the white light that she carried with her was her happiness and peace; she would never have to hurt again. It gives the impression this girl's been under some mental or physical suffering too, and makes her death seem like a peacefult thing. I also liked this part: I started toward her, hearing nothing but the sound of my own breathing that was beginning to fade amidst the loud echoes of my footsteps. That paragraph seemed very overexaggerated but it worked in your favour as it made her seem all the more confused and scared. :]
As much as I liked it, there are some things you can work on. The first is your tenses; it's written in past tense but you've used some present tense verbs. For example: I was crying because I did not understand anything at all but I know there was something wrong - it should have been knew something was wrong. If you read through it or get a beta to do it you should be able to isolate and correct these mistakes, and I think it's a common error that young writers make but learn to rectify in time with practice.
The second is your sentence structure. Most of it flows very well but you have alot of run on sentences where you've put in commas instead of semi-colons or full stops. For example, She bowed her head and her gaze shifted to her feet, the grin across her face remained there sincerely - there should be a full stop or semi colon there. Again, I guess the only way to fix it is by reading your work aloud or reading others' work to get a feel for how to use punctuation properly.
Your dialogue was good, but because it formed the main part of the story, I think you need to break it up a bit as I started to feel a bit lost in it sometimes. Add some 'she said's with a bit of description of how the character says the line, how she feels or wehat she does to add a bit of vatiety and imagery.
But overall, it was a very touching story and I liked reading it. Well done. :]