February 14th, 2009 at 03:08pm
Guilt. - Comments
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Thank you everyone :)January 2nd, 2009 at 01:52pm
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I really liked the beginning, it got me to wonder what this story was about. The detail made me curious on what was going to happen and what did happen so far. It’s almost like I missed out on another chapter that was supposed to be before the one you published. One thing I must point, this kind of distracted me a little:
I took a step forward.
This is going to be a long walk, I thought.
Next time, try making it a paragraph, like this:
I took a step forward. This is going to be a long walk, I thought.
To me, it’ll look better. Now, I liked the way you explained the way the character felt, and his or her emotion. Like you could almost imgagine the character having dread of walking down the long, narrow hallway. I also liked the fact, that you started to reveal it was a hospital – you used great imagery in the whole story, and that was impressive. The details seemed to balance out really well.
Then you started another day in the chapter, I got curious again – like was the character still in the hospital, or if it was just a visit. I like how you make it like a cliffhanger. That’s a good thing, it keeps the reader on the edge of their seat, which makes them eager to find out more.
I really liked how you explained everything, and the character’s mind asset, I really liked that. It kept reading. Now other then that, I don’t there is any thing else to point out at all, because the chapter was very well written. So keep writing :D.December 29th, 2008 at 07:14pm -
This was really really good :]December 27th, 2008 at 05:49pm
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Story/Review Game
I liked this. (: It's not something I would normally read, but I'm glad I did. This story flows very well with grace and ease. I thought it was very passionate. Despite a couple grammar errors (like switching from past tense to present tense, etc.), I thought this was very well-written.
I also liked the change of tone between the December bit and the September part. Like, in December, Andie sounds much, much more mature than she did in the September part, wherein she sounded kind of carefree and casual. It shows how this event had morphed Andie and scarred her, and I like the little things like that. I applaud you.
A couple of my favorite lines:
This is probably the hundredth time I’ll be walking into this hallway of guilt and hopelessness.
I liked the almost-imagery here. I imagined an eerie hallway colored with horror and reluctance – kind of. I enjoyed reading this line.
[...] I watched through glass.
I liked reading this line, too. I could imagine the scene very well.
I looked behind my shoulder.
And I thought I saw my sister’s eyes open.
I loved that ending. I thought it ended this one-shot very well and it leaves the reader wanting to read more. Right now I'm very intrigued and I'm thinking about what happened beyond the ending. :cute:
All in all, this is great and you've got good potential. :arms:December 27th, 2008 at 03:47pm -
Wow. This story is very powerful. I adored it. :3December 27th, 2008 at 03:11am
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That was okay :XD
Thank you though :cute:December 26th, 2008 at 08:41am -
I totally didn't realize that this was a oneshot. Hahaha, I revoke everything I said above. I do like it though.December 26th, 2008 at 08:38am
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You really have a great start here. It's a bit long, but other than that, I think it's great.December 26th, 2008 at 08:33am
‘This is going to be a long walk,’ I thought.
I liked the opening - it was mysterious, made me want to read on. However, the quote I just gave probably could do without the inverted commas - maybe it's my personal preference, but when documenting thought, I think it looks better in just italics.
There was also a repetition of words like 'walking' and 'eyes' - you could maybe re-write parts so it wasn't so repetitive, but this is a minor thing. :]
I considered it rather completely, because in this place, that one thing that had amazed me the most was how the people felt different, along with their opposite yet harmonizing purpose. Just about everything in this place showed entirely how each person was in a complementary connection with everybody. I loved this part! It was just so deep and gave meaning to the piece. I don't think the word 'completely' fits well in the first line, though. Maybe 'thoughtfully' or 'deeply' would be better.
I watched painfully, knowing how her life now depended on all of the cold tubes and machines attached to her, when I could still clearly remember how she used to be an independent and brave young girl. My thoughts reading this extract was that she was looking down on herself in a hospital bed. The way you described the nurses and doctors made them seem unaware of her, like she was a ghost. I'm interested to see whether or not my theory is correct.
Hey,” she peeked into my room, her curly black hair swaying down, complementing her obviously-athletic movement. Try mixing up description a bit. It's good, but 'curly, 'black' and' athletic' are simple words that can make description seem mundane if overused.
I liked the background history, it adds depth to the characters and story. :cute:
I went across the room to the desk and snatched my pink sweater. I wore it around my shoulders and into its pocket I carelessly slid my phone.
Then I dashed out the door, down the stairway, and out into the beauty of the clearing underneath the sparkling stars.
These two paragraphs would probably be better as a whole one, especially with the word 'Then' coming at the start of a new paragraph, which you could probably leave out. Get used to mixing up your paragraphs a bit, sometimes you don't need to make them one or two sentences long.
I like the fact that the sisters are so close and caring, I haven't read many stories like that before. Also, I'm starting to think that the girl in the hospital bed is Kim, rather than the girl who's telling the story... and I know something bad's going to happen.
“Okay,” I said excitedly, jumping to a standing position. :tehe: I like her excitement. But in my head I saw these two girls as teenagers, and the reaction to her sister climbing a tree seems a little too over the top and childish. How old were the characters meant to be?
“Yes. We could die together,” she said, lifting her foot to the branch she was reaching for earlier. I liked this line, it kind of foreshadowed the hospital scene - but then, as only one girl is hospital-ridden, I have a feelig they won't die together...
“Kim!” I knelt before her, not knowing what to do. I turned her to lie on her back. In no time, my arms were stained in dark red, and they were now shaking. “Wake up, Kim. Don’t die on me, no.” omgno: Although you wrote this well, it ook me by surprise, it's a bit 'I did this, I did that'. A little more emotion would have made it more realistic. Her mother also seems unnaturally calm, considering she's just been told her daughter is bleeding badly.
I like the transition back to December. The fact that it's Christmas Day is poignant and saddening. The ending was also very well-written and intriguing - did Kim's eyes actually opening, or was it Andie's imagination?
All in all, I thought it was a lovely, sad piece that was overall well written with few mistakes. A few paragraphs seemes forced, however, and the dialogue seemed very usual at times which didn't add to characterisation a great deal - I think this gets better with practise though, so don't worry too much about it. :] There are also a couple of places where words didnt seem to fit or commas should have been. Tenses need work too, but apart from that you did a great job. Well done. :cute: