Since your story is almost entirely dialogue, I think you should make it PURELY dialogue and take out the narration. It's such an amazing style and you executed it perfectly. :D
Thank you. I shall put these comments in a book of really important things and treasure them =].
And more, you say? Erm... tbh, probably not. Although I am simply a puppet for my imagination, so I can't rule it out. But I won't bet on it. I might use these characters in other stories, 'cos I've grown quite fond of them =P.