The Time Of The Death - Comments

alright I'm not one of those people that give big comments. Mine are short, sweet, and to the point.

I liked the ending A LOT. Part two in my opinion was better.

Oh, talk about bittersweet ending.
That was really, really good. Just the depression and deathwish of the first chapter was really pure and believable. anyone who had gone from such a life of freedom and pleasure to a life of illness in a hospital where you couldn't do anything would probably feel like that. I know I would.
This might sound kinda weird, but I thought it was beautiful when he started crying when he didn't die, and that it was his roommate who died when he thought he had. It showed how much he hated living like that and how much he wanted to put an end to everything, and it put a nice contrast to the next part.

The second chapter was really sweet.
He finally found a girl that he could love and start a life with, and he realized how much he had wasted the 25 years he had already lived. He wanted to change and believe in himself and that he would get better. He started fighting, for the girl he loved so he could make her happy.

Then, his wish was fulfilled and he died.
He didn't want to die anymore, but just becasue he had given up so long ago he was completely powerless and his body finally quit on him. It's really ironic, but the whole story brings out the message of that you should be careful of what you wish for, becasue one day you are bound to regret it. But you can't take it back or make it undone.

I really love the ending. Even though he didn't want to die, I'm happy for him because he doesn't have to suffer in that cursed hospital anymore. Hopefully he'll just find some peace in the afterlife.

This was really beautifully written, and I like it all very much.
You're a really talented writer and I hope to see more from you. :arms:

You are a brilliant writer and I don't know why I didn't read this sooner.

Write something else!

I've finally gotten around to this because I'm a lazy bugger like that. :lmfao

First thing, I think this chapter moves a little too fast. The relationship between Jane & Kent could've actually extended this story. You could've manipulated it with other chapters of scenarios between the couple to create a stronger empathetic connection between the reader and the death of the protagonist. That's the one thing that irked me about the chapter. :shifty

I like how you've introduced this character of Jane, who's given him so much meaning to life and this passage just shows that:

I had done nothing, I’d never had a real girlfriend or never traveled and I’m freaking 25! Soon 26.
I hadn’t studied after high school or lived in my own apartment. Past six months I’d lain here waiting for the kiss of the death.

But now, I’d met Jane.
How he had regrets about some of the things he could've done when he was younger. That would be typical of a dying patient, and the fact that you've introduced this character that allows Kent to carry on.

However, the tone behind it sounds a bit like a love smitten girl. :tehe: It's weird because I know quite a few guys and I couldn't picture them thinking that but I could be wrong. :XD

No, not butterflies, maybe elephants? That’s how strong this feelings felt.

This line I must say shows his passion for her, and I must say is one of the most unique metaphors I've come across so far in my reading. :cute:

The progression to his death happened a bit too quickly too. It was suddenly him idealising about a future with this woman, then it abruptly jumped to this scene where Kent's having trouble breathing, and dying. What did he die from by the way? Somehow I keep picturing a heart attack, or something of that nature; it's just so rapid. That probably helped when he was dying to convey the panic he felt and his quick descent to death. The surreal rapidness of the scene did help in setting that raise mood that circulates people's deaths though.

”It’s not too late! Don’t give up!” I heard Jane sobbing.

The Jane sobbing bit shows that Jane had some attachment to him, but from previous lines we don't actually have anything that supports this other than a few giggles. I think Jane has a lot of potential to bring a strong element to the story. Maybe it's just me, but I felt as if you knew who this Jane character is and what you want her to be, I want you to show that I guess. :think:

Other than that it was fine. :cute: :arms:

Hello. :tehe: I'm your first comment hopefully. Anyway down to business.

The opening of this is done well, and does set the tone the story will take and jumps straight into the plot.

I still remember the day when I found out about the cancer.. I sighed when I thought about it.

This bit somehow gives the impression that the protagonist has been suffering for too long, and had to reiterate this tale of his malady a plethora of times. It gives a sense that he is tired of this and desires for this to end, whatever way it does.

I’m not afraid of the death. I’m not afraid of dieing.
I’m looking for to it in fact--->This seems to support his fatigue of this ongoing predicament. That he wants out and fast.

However, it kind of gets contradicted by this:

It still brought a lump on my throat. It’s still hard to talk about how it crushed my whole life that was full of joy and happiness at that time.. I sighed again at the memory.

It's as if he is still so tormented by this truth that he has cancer...it somehow in some regard contradicts it because before, I received the sense he was tired of this, and somehow undisturbed by the cancer. Maybe if you said he let out an exasperated sigh or something. Something that really describe his anguish, or even the conflict. The word "sigh" somehow doesn't give enough power to this line I find. :think:

They’re just trying to make me feel better, but what’s the point to comfort somebody who’s already dead inside?

I must admit that I adore this bit of the story. It portrays the fury that a person feels when faced with such petty comforts in an inevitable situation. I think this captures a rather blunt, observant, man but one who is conflicted by this...restraint of cancer, preventing him from his previous life. It's as if, what the cancer emotionally deprived him killed him inside. He's lost all purpose to life, as well as direction. These thoughts, I'm sure anybody has felt in such circumstances and it causes the reader to empathetically connect with the character rather well. This excites me because I really want to see the development of his character over the progression of this story. :tehe:

"We lost him"

I do believe it's "We lost her." because of this: She was the one who died. :tehe: It'd be funny is he was a she-male though.

You've left the story at a cliffhanger which shall be interesting too.

Don't forget to double space your conversations and paragraphs. Just makes it easier to read on screen. As well as a bit of proof reading too.

Other than that, I do hope to hear some more from you. It has potential.