Supernova - Comments

WOW. That was amazing, and I don't usually like these kind of stories.
The paragraphs in italics were what hit me that hardest, especially 2374 and 2903. I can easily see the world becoming that type of place (scary).
I love how you described everything. The words are big and some of them I didn't even know the meaning to, which makes it seem more real because I can see the future being full of those types of words. Even this line, Adoni Worth, age thirty-two, public informant..., worked, though in any other story it probably wouldn't.
I liked the ending, I kind of saw it coming, but I still liked it. The last line finished this story really well.

“Scarlet bled dangerously into gashes of violent purple, slivers of green and garish pink tinting some bygone curves, the old sapphire a forgotten memory from centuries past. It was the sunset to end yet another millennium, the clouds a portrait of sheer glory and majesty, one of man’s most beautiful creations.

It was also one of the most destructive: sulfur, nitrogen, carbon monoxide, and mercury emissions were all purposely released into the atmosphere to ensure that each and every twilight was more colorful and breathtaking than the last. That was the price nature had to pay, after all.

No pain, no gain. Humankind’s everlasting motto. It was a learning process, after all.”

This introduction is a wonderful use of imagery and is a great set-up for the rest of the piece. It’s a perfect example of the mix of inner horror and superficial beauty the world has become within your story.

“It wasn’t a grin, per se, since non-cautionary emotions were strictly frowned upon, if they haven’t been approved by the Board of Control yet. Too much trouble than they’re worth, really.
…
But of course, people really valued tradition.”

The lack of ‘true’ humanity, i.e. emotions, but upkeep of certain paltry traditions adds an ironic ring to the events.

“2065
The first holographic pod came out, rendering tapes and disks virtually obsolete…They say the porn industry is the only one that can be trusted.
--
2098
The fight for cancer has been won—at least temporarily, until diseases make sense of it—but there’s a slight side effect…The matter was disputed for years—people died, in special cases, when the body would misinterpret the code and grow an eye, in, say, a cardiac artery and stop the blood flow—but was soon resolved after a gigantean war that merged all the nations into one universal power regime. All diversities annihilated.
Then again, that’s another story.
--
2374
…It was decided that robots shouldn’t be the only ones doing the explorations. They wanted to see if anyone would make it past three planets.
But no one wanted to go too far, to risk the long journey to the other end of the galaxy. No one volunteered, so they had to make them do so…They were sent off into deep space, and everyone sat and waited for them to come back.
At least three-fourths of them did, eventually.
And with minimal surprise, they weren’t alive either.
--
2720
The earth was a finite planet, old commercials said…It wasn’t as if any one bought it, though; not until the oceans began to noticeably lessen, until whole islands were stripped of resources. It was running out of things to give…The earth doesn’t look green and blue from above anymore.
--
2903
One day, all the animals were gone…No one knew what to do. Even the most brilliant were stumped. What’s a world without animals?
But someone suggested it. Simple, obvious, easy.
What else were babies for? ...After all, they’re only human.”

Each major world event described is another step away from the world we know and closer to the end for this Earth. It seems too eerily familiar, like the slow extinction of the animals, that descent into another type of morality and political correctness is slow paced but ever constant in the events listed.

“There were sputters of fireworks exploding too early in the wide expanse above. Perhaps an engineer made a mistake.
--
Flames began to lick the rooftops of the structures in the city, and somewhere, from a very far distance, a warning siren was resounding.
--
Adoni raised his eyes and was stunned by something that wasn’t there before.
“Has the sun always been that red?” He asked out loud. “That close to us?”
It wasn’t really red now, but a bleeding, horrible crimson, a drying maroon verging on black, and the fires from the capital was slowly spreading, crawling towards the corporate hills where he resided.
--
He wondered how long the end of the world had been planning to drop by, how eagerly it had wanted to pay humankind a visit.
Happy New Year!
They certainly didn’t have that much time left, now.”

This ending has a sense of both speed and intentionally deliberate pacing: It’s been long coming and has built up to the sudden burst, just like the fireworks they had been awaiting. A fantastic ending, leaving the reader torn between feeling dismal at the thought of the apocalypse and relived that Earth as it had become was finally over.

A great piece of work overall, bravo.

Sorry I took up so much space with quotes, I just loved your words. Winners will be announced on the contest thread after judging. :)

One word: Genius!

OMGISA.
I was totally gunna write you a really long review but then I saw that there already was a bunch and they said everything I was gunna say. :shifty

I think my favourite part has to be the flashback to 2903.
Especially
Their DNA had been too altered by then, so that nothing more can be made from them but meat and leather and lipstick texture.
And the whole babies thing = awesome idea. I was going to use the :yah smiley but I thought it might be innappropriate. :tehe:

I adore the build up at the end, with the red sun. Brilliant imagery. And then
“Has the sun always been that red?” He asked out loud. “That close to us?”
It's so simple but all of a sudden you're thinking 'Crap, everyone's gunna die.' because it's the way people say things when they realise that something is going seriously wrong.

And there was more I was going to say about explosions and fire and them putting gases into the air to make the night sky beautiful despite it being bad 'cause appearances were more important but what I was going to say isn't going to make sense in words, but I'll say it looks something like this:
:crazy:

So, yeah. I liked it. :tehe:

I was attracted to this story in the first place by the title. I'm a huge astronomy freak and went =O when I saw the title.

At first I was confused with the first paragraph. It was the sunset to end yet another millennium, the clouds a portrait of sheer glory and majesty, one of man’s most beautiful creations. I was all, man didn't do that. Very clever way of starting, though and then going on to explain in the second paragraph. Certainly caught my attention.

Mostly from the public themselves, since ignorance was a welcome gift bestowed by the World Allied Government.
^ Kind of like that now, huh? Haha.

There are some things that didn’t make the list that would be released at 12.00 mn, Eastern Standard Time (there was no more West left, to speak of).
^ Massive earthquake finally got them, was my first reaction. You're making me make predictions. I like that in a story. It pulls me in and keeps me reading. Makes me want to know what happens - at least I assume you'll tell.

I like the introduction of technology. That's what makes a good sci-fi story.

The 2374 bit was sad. You didn't mention of any new type of spacecraft, so I'm assuming they were using basically the same type we have no. Meaning, the trips would be just as long. This is one reason why we aren't going to Mars any time soon - would take too long and Cabin Fever would set in. Just imagining being on a longer trip to other planets...

The 2903 bit made me go ew. Just...ew. Sad and ew.

I knew how this story would end, just by knowing what a supernova is, but it made me...laugh a bit. Morbid, I guess. I'unno. It's just a little funny how humans became advanced in all this technology and was trying to save the Earth and yet the end came from something they could have never stopped - the sun. It would suck to be around when the sun exploded - if that's how it'll end. Knowing that just eight minutes ago the sun ended and you'll be, too.

You're descriptions are very poetic and did a very great job of painting a picture in my head. You went deeper than just putting in detail. You used a lot of sensory. You're very good at showing and not telling.

Okay, I'm doing this as I go. Basically your writing is godly. I just read the first paragraph, and I cannot take anymore beautiful words. It's just gorgeous.

Scarlet bled dangerously into gashes of violent purple, slivers of green and garish pink tinting some bygone curves, the old sapphire a forgotten memory from centuries past. It was the sunset to end yet another millennium, the clouds a portrait of sheer glory and majesty, one of man’s most beautiful creations.

Your writing is man's most beautiful creation :

The thing that makes your writing so lovely is that you just don't say "He was in the basement reading some papers". No, you manage to weave the words together, and manage to get your message through, but in a pretty, pleasing way.

I read on more and more and I was very intrigued. I can tell you did some reasearch to get these ideas.

But then...:S

Not all of them would grow up useful, and besides… they were not rational, thinking creatures. Babies can’t defend themselves.

It became a requirement that two children per female would be donated to the administration. So the carnivores got their meat, the garment designers got their material, and the scientists got their guinea pigs back. There were problems, of course, and complaints… but what else can people do?

After all, they’re only human.

That one made me a little sick. Okay, more than a little. But that was why you wrote it! You were trying to get the point across. People will do anything they can for themselves. They were desperate, and did the unthinkable.


There were sputters of fireworks exploding too early in the wide expanse above. Perhaps an engineer made a mistake.

Suspense! Well, the entire story built up suspense. But, I personally would've never thought of directly giving the reader the information that something was wrong after indirectly pushing them in the direction. Um, yeah. I sound really weird >.<

It wasn’t really red now, but a bleeding, horrible crimson, a drying maroon verging on black, and the fires from the capital was slowly spreading, crawling towards the corporate hills where he resided.

This one basically scared the hell out of me. I could imagine basically the sun being REALLY red and about to explode. It's just amazing. I also love how you kept the countdown in the background, a little reminder of reality.

Overall I loved it, like all of your pieces. And I do this with all o my beloved oneshots; suscribe so you can get stars :tehe:

Thank you for being an amazing writer Isa 0.0

Story/Review Game:

I love this.

The image of the sunset is described so beautifully; all the different adjectives work so well together, flowing, and create this amazing spectacle, a sight to be seen; it sounds almost magical...and then the next paragraph comes in to destroy the beauty of it, showing the ugly side to the captivating visual. It’s sad to think that we’ve become more concerned with entertainment and stuff like that, rather than considering what it’s doing to the environment.

That was the price nature had to pay, after all.

No pain, no gain. Humankind’s everlasting motto. It was a learning process, after all.

I like this part, because it sounds so...casual. I don’t know what it is; it’s almost as if humans have become accustomed to the way that things happen, how things work...which is effective, I must say. It adds to the futuristic sense of the story; after all, what would be new and futuristic to us, would be normal to them. And...it seems a bit...sarcastic? too. What with the mentions of it being an everlasting motto and a learning process; hints that there’s been a lot of mistakes (which wouldn’t be untrue of course).

Adoni Worth, age thirty-two, public informant, wasn’t looking at the sky at that moment. The robotic, formal kind of tone worked well here; it made sense because he has an office job, and it sounds the kind of thing you’d find in a person’s profile. It was clever too, because it reveals something about the character without it sounding forced.

He only needed to raise a finger to a particular picture and the mainframe would sense the activity, and unfold the events in a narrated video. I love the information you’ve put in here about this reality. It comes across as so natural. And this particular part reminds me a bit of Minority Report. I could almost see this happening in the future sometime, given how computers are fast becoming more and more prominent in our lives.

Oh, and the Board of Control. Wow. They’re obviously a really big component of this future society, and it’s incredible just how big. Monitoring emotions? It’s censorship to the extreme.

I loved the separate parts in italics. Archives, yes?

The ones that really stuck with me, and made me sad (and somewhat scared) were 2374 and 2903. The first one struck a chord because of how these people are treated; how they’re considered worthless and disposable because of disabilities they may have. I guess it’ll always be considered “survival of the fitness” in any reality. And the second, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend how anyone could eat or let others eat their own children. Wasn’t there a man (or God) from Greek mythology that ate his own kids to stop them overpowering him? I think his name was Cronus. That’s irrelevant, but it made me think of that a little. I liked how these parts were written too; it was very informative and formal, the style you’d expect for these kinds of documents, and it was interesting to see what wasn’t considered suitable for the public to know. I guess it was all a matter of hiding humanity’s blunders.

The ending was amazing and really hard-hitting. For the world to end on New Year’s eve was...I’m not sure how to explain it, but there’s contrast between the excitement there would have been for the new year, and also the terror no doubt felt as it was realized what was happening. The description of the sun was poetic almost.

This was amazing. You have a way with words, and the entire plot was captivating.

Scarlet bled dangerously into gashes of violent purple, slivers of green and garish pink tinting some bygone curves, the old sapphire a forgotten memory from centuries past.

First off, you have me hooked with that line. That's why I didn't review your other one-shot. I love your words here: "bygone", "slivers", "garish". Truly brilliant. Anyone can say scarlet, purple, green and pink, it takes a literary genius to write a sentance like that.

Adoni Worth, age thirty-two, public informant, wasn’t looking at the sky at that moment. He was fifty-five feet below the ground, in his office, where the history archives were kept, for safety and for security.

That's a brilliant literary device, to introduce something you can really describe and then say that the character isn't there or isn't looking. You should use that to introduce other characters in furture.

There were some things better left unknown.

I'm a sucker for one sentance paragraphs. This is my arrangement of choice to have every tenth paragraph be a one-line one. A word of warning is not to use them too often or innappropriately.

Adoni’s current job is to sift through the annals and gather the tidbits considered ‘healthy’ for global viewing

Love that. Your use of inverted commas is exactly right, most people get it very wrong, well done.

All of your paragrpahs in itallics are brilliant, but this one is my favourite:

A frantic containment mission took place. To preserve the ones left to sustain the species. A total of twenty-three seas were entirely drained and stored, filtered and put away for the future. All the landforms that withered were destroyed—crumbled and crushed with antimatter bombs—continents that served no more purpose, so that the ones still inhabited by living beings took all the water, air, and sunshine needed to sustain life.

The earth doesn’t look green and blue from above anymore.

This really nails human desperation and do you have any idea how it sounds with "Night Terror" by Laura Marling as its soundtrack? Probably not... Spooky... Back on topic: A total of twenty-three seas were entirely drained and stored, filtered and put away for the future. That sound so like us, doesn't it... Although extreme.

All the way through I'm getting 1984 and Brave New World references and inspiration. George Orwell and Adolsus Huxley are great authors to model yourself after. Good choice.

It became a requirement that two children per female would be donated to the administration. So the carnivores got their meat, the garment designers got their material, and the scientists got their guinea pigs back. There were problems, of course, and complaints… but what people do?

After all, they’re only human.

Ugh... That's awful and disgusting. I really hope you intended it to make me feel horrible for being a consumer. The fact that it's so understated and accepted and not written with a tone of absolute disgust makes it seem even more unforgivable and awful.

He could hear the countdown, outside. The blinking time teller beside his windowpane was in sync with the chorus of voices, the pitch and tone of them indicating excitement and merriment that were undoubtedly dictated by the manuals of recommended behavior.

That really takes everything away from New Year's celebration fireworks, doesn't it?

“Has the sun always been that red?” He asked out loud. “That close to us?”

It wasn’t really red now, but a bleeding, horrible crimson, a drying maroon verging on black, and the fires from the capital was slowly spreading, crawling towards the corporate hills where he resided.

Nice portrayal of the bemusement of Adoni. That's really well written, as if he realises something is wrong but doesn't want to admitt it. My English teacher would congratulate you on your end description, a stark contrast to all the beauty at the start.

They certainly didn’t have that much time left, now.

:cheese: Seriously, I'm gobsmacked. What an ending! Fabulous, well done!

P.S. I hope you win your competition.

Story/Review Game.

Wow.

First off, I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I claimed this in the Story/Review Game thread. I don't normally read sci-fi. Hell, this is my first. I never read anything but fanfiction anymore, but I wanted you to know that I loved that a lot and that you have once again proved to all of Mibba that you are one of its most skilled writers. This – and your KTF stories – definitely put you way up high in my list next to Roshambo. (:yah) and Dru. Definitely.

You used simple/complex words. Simple in the sense that your descriptions weren't very long, but they were sufficient and straight-to-the-point. I liked that. It was very simple, yet I could see everything playing right in front of my eyes. Complex because you used a lot of big words that aren't in my vocabulary. :tehe: But I think that's great.

I was transported to another time while reading this. Another world, almost. The 2065 bit made me laugh. And then I thought about it. Technology certainly improved, but people were still horny as hell.

I liked reading about 2098. It brought me hope that we could actually find a cure for cancer one day. But it still had side effects. That showed me that not all problems could be fully solved. Sure, they found a cure, but they had another problem.
Although they eventually found a way to stop that. I liked how you ended it with Then again, that’s another story. It intrigued me. It was so short and simple. Abrupt. I almost want to ask you write tell me that other story.

The 2374 bit was written well, too. I really, really loved it. I also loved the tone of the last line.

2720 put a scary image in my head. It's kind of like the aftermath of man's lack of concern for the environment. While they found a way to to preserve resources, the Earth was never really the same. Never looked the same.

2093. Okay, this is the only bit that slightly irked me, because 2093 comes before 2720, yet it's placed after it. I guess it's just because I like numbers to be in order. It's nothing really worth to be nitpicking about. Anyway, the start of 2093 pulled me right in. It was short but it was very straightforward. However the baby thing kind of scared me.

Now the ending... I never expected it. Anybody who'd start read this would never guess that that would be how Supernova ends. I absolutely love surprises when it comes to fanfiction. I love unpredictability. The overall tone of this story really matches. It was sort of dense, but it flowed like thick liquid. This amazed me, and I am so glad that I read this. Throughout reading this, I actually felt as if there was a sort of hidden subliminal message in it. :tehe: But I may be getting paranoid.
This was amazing, Isa. One of your best works. This was incredible. I was blown away.
Sorry for the shitty review though. :shifty

I totally almost cried.
This was amazing, seriously, you are one of the best writers on this site. Wow.

a;dgfjas d;vkljaso;dgjlkvhsd; :cheese:

DAH.

I totally thought I had a chance of winning the oneshot contest until I saw this.XD

It's amazing. Reminds me a bit of 1984, but just slightly. And the descriptions are beautiful. Even the layout is awesome. The thing with the babies actually made me laugh because it reminded me of this story about Irish people. :tehe:

You're so awesome at writing, Isa. I love how the character is always thinking about the Board of Control- it's not the only thought on his mind, but it's always hanging over him. It really helped show what it must be like for everyone without going completely overboard.

I loved it.

But curse you and your amazingness. You pwn me.XD

Story/Review Game.

I found this story very interesting to read. I like the imagery and information you put out there. There were a lot of big words I didn’t understand – but that’s a good thing. That is what most good and great writers do, they use better vocabulary. Now the only thing I found annoying and a little excessive was this:

-

-

Okay so I understand completely that you were just informing a time skip or whatever, but either way you could do it differently. Like three periods, or stars. Instead of doing that to make the passage longer :D. That’s the only thing I have to point out that was negative to me only.

Everything else was very, very, very good :tehe: I enjoyed reading it – it kept me wanting me, and I just found it really interesting to read. Good details, descriptions and imagery. It was very inspiring. So keep it up :D.