Euthanasia - Comments

I agree with Lindsey. More Lucien/Joey p0rn please. Brilliant update, much better than last time.

I have to point out, I have used that silhouette in a background before. It's great!

THERE IS NO COMMENT BUTTON.

Also, Gemma, this is PURE GENIUS. I would like to see more gayLuke Lucien, plz.

And where is my character? *indignant*

Right, Gemma. Be prepared for an extremelly long comment...

First off, it's a brilliant narritive. The chapter is the right sort of length and structure. When you write from Matt's point of view, you need to tell the reader e.g. "Matt's POV" at the beginning of the chapter.

Point 2 is not so good. Their is much description lacking in this one. Take the time to throw in details like what colour hair you have or how tall Cookie is. Make sure you don't describe them from head to toe, but cast away details like what Lucien's favourite cocktail is. Let actions and speech describe the characters/scenery/events as well. Examples:

"Amelia strummed her electic lazily, staring at the foam patterns swirling in her coffee."

From this we have learnt that Amelia is not paying attention to what she's doing at this moment and that she likes coffee. We didn't need to include the coffee point, but it helps the description and pads out the story.

"Come here, let me straighten your hair! It's such a frizzy bush! You really should take care of it..."

This is direct speech. You don't need to use any description because it is in the speech. We have the action of straightening hair and the description of the hair. We know it is long and messy.

A good writing exercise is to describe one thing about the character every time you mention them or have them described in the speech. You don't always have to do this, but it helps you get into the habit of describing.

You should always have a dictionary or a thesaurus out when you write. I have been warned about not varying my words often enough, so I don't want you to make the same mistake. If you've already used an unusual word on the page, find an alternative.

For example:

"Joey was very lively. He enjoyed making jokes and dancing. In fact, he was so energetic, that he'd sometimes keep drumming after the song had finished."

Apart from that, very good. I suggest you read these stories to help improve:

No Man's Land
Half Wit and anything by:
Matthew Leone
Druscilla or
horsie890.

Have fun!