February 19th, 2009 at 02:17am
It was mysterious and intriguing.
I love the way the letters seem to ramble (in a good way) like that way the in love types talk. The way they go on and their words seem to flow together and just scream love. I thought you captured the whole completely, insanely in love thing very well.
Don’t worry that I know your name. I knew you before this. Maybe you remember me?
This line made me want to know more about how Jacob supposedly knew the character before.
It was something that could have been developed in perhaps a second installment of the story.
But I'm guessing it was for a one-shot competition and probably against rules to write two parts. However, it's always good to keep a reader guessing.
I think the idea of the character believing they owe Jacob a lot is unique and brilliant.
And the poem was beautiful!
I'm shocked that you wrote that yourself.
It's not often you see a greatly talented author who writes great poetry, too.
I thought the anger in the May 21st letter was very well put across. It was intelligent anger. Normally, when people get angry, they tend to rant and not make sense but the way that letter was worded made this person seem quite smart and a little psychotic.
You could marry her and strap me to the alter with my eyelids held open with matchsticks so I could not look away, and I would still have hope.
This line not only made me laugh a little bit but I thought it was quite sweet.
And also shows the extent of the character's love for Jacob and their unwavering belief that Jacob could be with them.
You are a golden swelling and bittersweet taste at the back of my throat, and a warmth that courses through me.
This part was just excellent.
It really just blew me away.
It was a brilliant way to get across how they percieve Jacob.
– and then, when I confront the fact that you will never belong to me, you are an ache in my chest and my wrists, as if my very blood itself is rushing to join you because my body is incapable.
And this bit - just woah!
The imagery was freaking amazing!
It lets on just a little bit more that the character is slightly unhinged.
Then the abruptness of the July 11th letter sort of startled me.
I gave a little jolt in my chair.
I was really expecting it - which is always what you want the reader to be doing.
And then there's a day's gap before the 'confession', as if the character is working up the courage to tell Jacob, as if they're thinking of the best way to phrase it all.
And it was phrased brilliantly!
The metaphor of their heart being in the paper was inspirational.
If I live past eighty, then I will never forgive myself, so perhaps you could grant me this undeserved grace, so as not to bear me to hell as soon as I hit the icy water or the pavement from a fist or the bonnet of a motor going 80mph.
This sentence made a little sad for the stalker.
Which is strange because normally a reader would not like the supposed murderer of the story.
But that's why this was so good - it's got a lot of twist.
And the phrase so as not to bear me to hell as soon as I hit the icy water or the pavement from a fist or the bonnet of a motor going 80mph is so brilliantly worded.
The sign-off Unless we never meet, Always at your shoulder was almost poetic and an excellent way to end the story.
All in all, I thought it was a very good story.
I can't really say much bad about it.
I look forward to reading other works of yours. :mrgreen:
Moving on...
I think the main reason I loved this so much was the format. I think that's the word. I loved how you wrote the whole thing in letters. Or notes. In each one you can tell things are getting more and more out of hand until the very end when the girl just gives up. I thought that was so cool how you did that.
Secondly... the first line was a real eye catcher. I mean it's bold and like woah, in a way. It made me think the story was going to take place at a crime scene and the first letter was the only peice of evidence. But I was wrong. The story was completely different from what I expected which I think is awesome as I mentioned before.
That poem in the beginning... it was near the beginning. I thought was rather creepy. I was like "woah! this girl is a little strange" but she is a stalker so... she has to be a little off to fit the part. But still the thing about leaving her home and all that. It made me sad though too towards the end of the poem about making wishes and living off of them and all.. it reminds me that she's still human and has wants and needs just like everyone else.
June 11th
I’m sorry. Brief comment on this. It reminds me of Go Ask Alice. I shall admit that I never actually finished the book even though everyone else (give or take a few people) I know has read the whole book and loved it. It reminded me of this one part where she had all these long in depth entries and then there was one random entry where she just wrote something like "nothing today" or... "today is my birthday" just random seemingly insignificant entries. This just reminded me of that because it's only two words but it says so much.
That is the part of you that is keeping me alive – the part of you that doesn’t even exist. This comment is really out of order, by the way. Sorry. This part really allows us to see that she's human and slightly insane as well. It was in that letter that was talking about how she could wish that Jacob would love her all she wants but he never will. It's just not going to happen. This part is so... blunt in a way. It's almost like a slap to the face for the girl. It's like "I don't love you so stop getting all in my face. It's never going to happen. Get over it." but she doesn't want to believe it which makes her all the more delusional. I love it. I love things like that. That was probably my favorite line.
The last and final letter. :cheese: I loved it. Gosh. The whole thing was really.. sad yet almost pathetic. I know that sounds mean but I just think she's a little overdramatic. But she's a teenage girl. A majority of teenage girls are going to be dramatic like that. "I love him! I love him! I love him!" (or her... never know) I must say that I think that in the end she loved the idea of being in love because at such a young age we can only know so much about a feeling like that. It's not going to be at the level your grandparents are in love after being together for sixty years. As much as a young person of 15 can wish for that it isn't going to happen. But over time it will. Slightly off topic? sorry.
Sucks that that was the last thing she left. Oh well... the last line Unless we never meet,
Always at your shoulder,
X made me think that she's still there only she's keeping herself unknown. Pretty cool how you did that. Kudos.
That's about all I can think to say. This was one of my favorites of the competition (obviously) and I congragualate you on such a good job. If you could PM me the other one-shot you'd like reviewed I'll get to that as soon as possible.