Cherry Soda Boy - Comments

How amazing... I never got to read the original, but this is one of the best stories I've read so far on Mibba. The imagery is absolutely perfect. I can honestly see a lot of these things happening in my mind just as you've described them, and that alone is the makings of a good work of art.

Robin has such a bitter outlook on life, it seems to me, or that may just be the way I perceive it. Either way, I LOVE his personality. He has such a way of description and isn't afraid to be opinionated about things that most people wouldn't dare open their mouths about. Reno is quite the interesting character, as well, and he just happens to remind me of someone with his namesake... ;)

Anyway, the sort of quiet, normal nature of this story is another thing that makes me love it. You don't overdo things, yet you still get them down spot on. Robin's sense of indifference is something that goes through a lot of teenagers, but he's one of those that really doesn't care who hears about it. I think I'll stop rambling now. Hope you don't mind, haha. I can't wait for the next chapter!

Electric Goat asked me to pass this on:

"As I inhale the mint flavored smoke and exhale it from my system, I drown in my thoughts."
Ah, Jenni. It is lines like these that make me so insanely jealous of you. Just the imagery here, the way I can perfectly picture it... it's astounding. There are so many lines, paragraphs, chapters just perfect like this. Honestly, if you don't end up being rich and famous for your pen, I'm going to have to have a word with whoever is in charge of the world. So, yeah, I'll be hitting up God on that one.

Yet another great chapter. I so wish I was there to check it every day like I always obsessively have. And thanks for the dedication!

I don't get why everyone thinks the first paragraph would do better with coma's. I completely get what you were trying to portray there, and I think it flowed wonderfully. Your descriptions are astonishing, the way you write makes everything seem so much more imaginable. Subscribed. :)

Contest Judging.

Okay, since I'm lazy and my tummy hurts I'm going to review the first chapter for the contest, I believe I'll do the same thing for every chaptered story.

Racing thoughts have come to a standstill. Frozen in the delicately woven fabric of my brain. I feel like these two sentences would flow better with a coma. Racing thoughts have come to a standstill, frozen in the delicately woven fabric of my brain.

That being said, those two sentences are beautiful.

Memories are like pictures turning black- thick, tar-like, black. Melting into a giant abyss- a void. A black hole that leads to nothing the same thing for this sentence. A comma...or a semi-colon i can't think which fits here at the moment. Errr.../facepalm.

My skin tingles and slips off my bones. Milky white puddle sinks into the plush beige carpet. Ew. My initial response when reading this was....ummmm, gross? But I love the description. It's exquisite.

Pulling me, pushing me, cut me deep. I adore this sentence. It feels like a song lyric in some ways.

Just breathe, I hear, just breathe. I kind of feel like the 'just breathe's should be in italics. I feel like the point that he's hearing it rather than thinking it would run across better, if you get what I mean?

Lungs full up with Did you mean, Lungs fill up?

Well try speaking.” Well, try speaking.

Would the stand before of us…asking for a revolution? This sounded awkward to me. I feel like this is what you meant to put. Would they stand before us....asking for a revolution? If I'm wrong, ignore this. >.<

Technically, it's iPod and iPhone. >.< Just to let you know.

The sink reflects the light off its pristine porcelain, that it seems like a sin to even touch it. I changed this sentence a bit to make it flow better. The sink reflects the lights off its pristine porcelain, which it seems like a sin to even touch it.

I love the Fight Club reference. :)

A blemish upon perceived perfection. That is a gorgeous sentence.

I loved this chapter. I love the focus of control and being able to control one's destiny. I love how it was only a group of teenagers playing video games and yet you made it seem so very poetic. That's a difficult thing to find amongst this site and I'm glad you showed it to me.

Very incredible job. I'll let you know the winner later today. :)

The introduction bothers me, I'm sorry. In my mind, I'm replacing many of the full stops with commas, and it flows better in my mind. The full stops so often make it seem abrupt, and I'm just a bit iffy on that.

"Angela, who briefly pulls her eyes away from her phone to stare at m."
Typo, you forgot the 'e' on 'me', I'm assuming.

"for the fiftieth time since we pulled away my curb"
I don't quite understand that. Is there a word missing or something? Either that, or the syntax is wrong... or I'm unbelievably stupid. But I seriously feel like there should be a "from" somewhere in there.

"when James and Devon are actually getting alone"
Along, not alone, I think?

"laugh at the expense of the re-headed boy"
Forgot the 'd' on 'red', I believe.

"Black Roswell hovering over Devon"
Shouldn't that be Blake?

"Though New York City isn’t known for its many threes,"
That confused me. Do you mean trees?

Yeah, okay, so someone has probably already gone through and done this before. If so, I'm sorry, I'm just picky and it's a forcive habit now, I'm a really good editor. Anyway...

I liked this. I don't often read things, and I very rarely like them, but I actually enjoyed this. When I said I'd read it, I was just going to skim through the first chapter, comment it, and bluff my way through the rest. But I found myself wanting to read more, and I did end up reading all three chapters. I love the dry humour and sarcasm hidden throughout.

The way Robin is, his intelligence, the way he responds to situations, the fact that he's cynical and swears one hell of a lot... I just... I'm intrigued by that, because I find it so relevent and connect with it so well.

I would subscribe, but I never know when things have been updated, as I have this connected to the same email account as my Facebook to ensure I don't get a zillion emails, and as such, I'd adore it if you could just... abuse me on journals or in comments as to when you update. I will definately be continuing to read this.

Yeh boy, how's that for a hopefully less then useless comment?

I like the insight into his life in this chapter. Your descriptions have just the right balance of detail and flow and overall, this chapter made me feel sorry for him. The outlook on his life seems pretty dull and it added to his character.

I'm really liking this so far. Personally, I consider your standard of writing above most others on here... I can't write that well myself but that's what I like reading. So, thanks for.. I dunno, being cool? (:

I like the quiet unease of this chapter. It's very...subdued and that works really well with what's going on here.

The interaction between him and this girl, it's so awkward and that's perfect. I especially like her part in this chapter, it's so realistic. I love that she's bit pissed off or being confrontation, that she's simply a bit confused and she's trying to figure out what's going on - at the same time, she's not being the "push-over" chick either and there's a sort of natural sympathy that builds for her.

Hi! (:
I have to admit that I don't normally ready slash, but this one was too cute to pass up. I really love the banner, lol! It's very adorable - as is this story. I can't wait to see what you do with it! Great job! <3
[If you want to, you can check out my vampire story The Trust. I'll be updating it later today (:]

I really love this story.
The first paragraph had me hooked, although I was kind of confused at the beginning.
I noticed some grammer things, just a few words spelled wrong and such but nothing too major.
Anyways, lovely story. Can't wait to see where it goes (:

Wow. I can see why it took you so long, this is absolutely amazing!
I don't want to sound cliche, but this is one of the best well written stories on Mibba.
You should be proud.

Story Review Game

Layout

I love the layout. It goes extremely well with the summary.

Summary

The summary made me want to dive into this head first! I love they way you describe things. It’s a good quality to have.

Chapter 1

Racing thoughts have come to a standstill, Frozen in the delicately woven fabric of my brain.

I would put a comma after standstill. In my opinion, it flows a bit better that way.

Memories are like pictures turning black- thick, tar-like, black. Melting into a giant abyss- a void. A black hole that leads to nothing.

This is my favorite line. It’s so complex yet so simple, and it’s a perfect description. I love it.

The point where they meet, the vortex, is long and inviting and black.

I would take out the first and, and put a comma between long and inviting.

“Boom! Headshot!”

My friends and I do that when we play video games. I love it, haha.

Would the stand before of us…asking for a revolution?

I don’t know if you meant they…but…I think it would fit.

much to the amusement of Angela, who briefly pulls her eyes away from her phone to stare at m.

I think you meant “me”

Not longer a scrawny fifteen-year-old.

I think you may want to say “no” instead of “not”.

A blemish upon perceived perfection.

I love this line.

Overall

I love your style of writing. It’s very easy to read, but it is intriguing enough to make me want to keep reading. This story is completely amazing. You just got yourself a subscriber.

“The problem with our school is that it’s all a farce! They load us with a million classes- that aren’t even relevant to real life- give us three hours of homework every night, and put this unneeded pressure upon us to ‘be the best’ when it means nothing!

For some strange reason, I read farce as fark. >.>

Anyways, I'm not a big follower of slash but I enjoyed the way you write. And that paragraph - my friends and I have a word to describe schools that do that to students.

Overkillers. Its a private joke that probably might never catch on. -.-

Story Review Game

Half way through the first chapter, I knew I liked this one best.
I love the way you described the 60's turning in their grave.
In fact, the whole first chapter was remarkable.

'are actually getting alone-' - Getting along ^^
Mexican stand off = awesome. haha

think*

I love this story, when I sit back and think about it, it almost makes me thing about The Outsiders. And I really loved that book. I am subscribing to this for sure, and I do hope for an update soon.

You had me hooked with summary to be honest and the banner is freaking cool. >> Anyway, as for the actual story..

I love it. I really love it. I've read so many stories about 'gangs' with cliché people, boring personalities and no relationships between the characters at all. Only two chapters in, you have managed to introduce most of his friends in a good bit of detail and their relationships are well established.

The first chapter was a pretty cool introduction. Your descriptions never fail to amaze me, your vocabulary is endless.. I'd love to steal it, but it's probably quicker to eat a dictionary. You have a way with words. I think I caugh two mistakes? Spelling mistakes if I recall correctly. Normally I would take note but I didn't want to stop reading...

“How does my hair look?”
This cracked me up because I do it myself. If friends are ranting or talking, I'll interrupt with a 'Is my hair straight?'. I love you for including that, it made me smile. (:

Everything is so realistic. The dialogue is brilliant. It's real, it's casual but it's not too chatty at the same time.

I adore Robin... :3 He's so.. cute? I loved where he was looking in the mirror, it was a great way to describe him. I quite like his thoughts as well, I judge a lot of characters on their thoughts because.. well.. their thoughts make them.. them.

Anyway.
I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but I love it. (:
I'm subscribing.

This isn't a story about two boys in love; but how the love these two boys shared saved their young lives.
- Can I just say that I haven't even started reading the actual story, and I think I might love it already? That's really sad.

I don’t feel like I truly exist.
- By far the best opening line ever.

That first chapter was
You are honestly a wonderful writer. Not for one second of that chapter was I even the slightest bit bored, nor did I feel the need the scroll down to the end of the page every few sentences to see when the torture would end.

“You look like a moron,” I respond, “why do you do that to your hair? You look like the love child of a lobster and a porcupine.”
- Humor! Dry, sarcastic humor. I love it.

“The biggest problem with our school: no one does anything about them.”
- That last little bit was awesome. Just the idea of Robin muttering to himself fits his character so wonderfully.

Speaking of characters, you've done an amazing job in developing yours. I really like the character of Robin. He seems like the type of kid whose got a fact-based opinion on everything. He's actually got a brain in his head. You've also done a very good job in expressing the characters emotions to us readers.

Wow! You're such a good writer! I really really really loved the beginning! Wish you update ASAP! Can't wait to read more!

I must say I love your layout for the chapters. its quite simple and effective. especially the banner. I would have never thought to use that type of text with it.

On to chapter Two:

We aren’t paying for an education, we are paying for a name. Colleges see ‘Saint Jude’s Academy’ on our transcript and they eat that shit up.
I would change the education, to education; also at the end of this paragraph you forgot end quotes

You could fucking be the biggest moron in the school –a.k.a Blake Roswell- and still get into fucking Harvard because of a stupid name!
this is marvelous. i can total relate because we have a 'Blake' at my school too.

run by morons-“
gain here fix the end quotes

“No,” obviously, “the fuck do I care what people think?”
i think you meant “No, I obviously dont give a fuck what people think about me." or something to that extent. id revise this.

“I’m just saying,” I continue, “this is our junior year, and our school is making it a huge deal! Like we don’t have lives outside that hell hole.”
“I’m just saying,” I continue “this is our junior year, and our school is making it a huge deal! Like we don’t have lives outside that hell hole.”

Sporadic trees blurring into the red and brown buildings.
fragment. revise it

the flow is this paragraph doesnt go well id change it to something like:
The brief walk from my door step to Devon’s car left me with minor heat stroke, and I can’t believe I have to do this shit again. Every year, for the last three years the assembly on the first day, we dressed in our best. Stuck in hot wooden church with bleeding Jesus on the cross staring down with sad, dead, eyes that mimic our own. We listen to the bubbling priest for an hour, sweat beads off his pudgy face as he slams us with scriptures. Talking about our decaying country filled with sin and faggots as he eyes the varsity running back as if he was some McDonalds cheeseburger he wanted to ravage. Then our principal will take over, a plastic white smile stretched across his botox induced face. His speech is always the same, word for fucking word, carefully avoiding anything that would indicate what grade he was speaking to.
this too
We leave and the next grade walks in with zombie eyes, repeating the process.

there are a lot more of these sentence fragments or choppy sentences that mess with the flow id consider revising. it was kind hard to get through and read at points because of this.

Over all it has potential and its very relatible. it very typical teenager and what viewers can relate to. if you can get past the grammar and the sentence structure by revising that a bit , you got something amazing to work with.

I normally don't read slash, but this has me interested.