Cherry Soda Boy - Comments

I loved the energy in that chapter. I think it was longer than the first but it just as easily kept my attention.
I really like all the characters in this. They all seem to have thier own personality already. Love it.

I thought the first chapter was amazing and the banner was quite good too. I liked that it's detailed and sort of explains things. Like how the guy feels in a way, you know?

You've done an amazing job doing this chapter for like what? The millionth time?! It's paid off, though. I truly got to know Robin and that something isn't right inside his head. He's a tortured soul and doesn't know it! I love how we both have characters named Devon. I also really like the format. It helps you get inside Robin's head. It's how he thinks.

The reflection smiles sardonically.
Couldn't help but smile. I mean, c'mon. Sardonic is like your word. Before you, I never knew what it meant. Never even heard it.

You have some mistakes, but they're minor:
It’s suffocating and right. I can’t breathe. Sharp rocks like accusing hands grab and sng my arms. Sting?

Toxicity burns through tissue like nobodies business. Is it supposed to be 'nobody's'? And in the next sentence, 'anybody's'?

Would the stand before of us…asking for a revolution? They.

I roll onto my stomach with a strained gruff and slither like a bug towards the bathroom several feet away- much to the amusement of Angela, who briefly pulls her eyes away from her phone to stare at m. Me

You gonna have that second chapter up by tomorrow? That would make my day. It's been too long not to have more than one chapter!

I really, really liked this. I've heard so many good things about it from people around the site. I'm glad you're starting over so I can read it, real-time. :)

This is very surreal, but I mean that in a good way.

Occasionally the structure of your paragraphs threw me. If it were me, I would have stuck to a more conventional format for the sake of preserving the narrative, but I have a feeling that the disjointedness is intentional.

Other than that, I have no real criticisms to make. It was interesting to read.

I usually don't read slash, but this is so amazingly well-written that I'm going to subscribe. Well done, well done.

I don’t feel like I truly exist.
That’s one of the best opening lines I’ve ever seen.

This is really great. It jumps around a lot, but I imagine that’s just his thought pattern. This is really great, and I can’t wait to read more.

Ah hah! I'm glad to see you put this up again! :cute: I'd point out what I like, or what I think has improved, but everyone else already has. Keep on writing!

i like this story a lot!! it caught my eye!! ♥

Wow, pretty intense ending to the first chapter. I like it so far though. It held my interest. Very nice =)

Enjoyed it.
Simply enjoyed every minute of it.

Subscribed.

this is n awesome story and it is very well written. Its absolutely amazing!

So far it seems good. You can hold interest, you have good detail, good emotion, you know how to work a mood into the story, good descriptions and from what I can tell; your character developement is good aswell ^^.
I love the name of the story, very creative, fitting and quite cute.
And the idea was a good one too, very interesting, original, easy to understand and looks like it's going to be quite fun to. I will definitely watch for updates =)

ABSOLUTELY MARVELOUS.

Subscribed.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!

I read the original story on fanfiction and fell in love with your writing. Your profile actually introduced me to mibba...

(weird)

But I love that your remaking this story on here. The original was absolutley amazing, and I can't wait to see what everyone thinks about this one....

(by the way, I loved the Demi Lovato bit)...

The first thing I noticed was Robin's voice. It's very clear and very strong right from the first paragraphs. I could learn a lot about him simply by the way he describes his surroundings. The readers learns the type of relationship he has with his parents without blatantly stating it.

And I didn’t act like a (total) douche bag.
This made me both laugh and see that Robin isn't perfect. He can be a douche bag, but isn't a total douche bag. Characterizations, I love when they're almost hidden like that.

No, I was a part of the group who seemed to have fallen into a bucket-o-Hot Topic, which at sixteen, clearly, made me original.
Same as above, but made my laugh out loud this time.

I hung out with the apparent “poor crowd” at my school, which my critics attacked me for, stating I was only doing it to be a hipste.
Do you mean 'hispter?'

Move to Long Island, where I would buy a 4.5 million dollar mansion, and settle into a life of comfortable consumerism.
The way that sentence begins is a little awkward. I think it would sound better by being with the previous sentence.

I don't remember exactly how the original began, but I know this is much better. I really got a taste of Robin's character and his views on life. As I kept reading I noticed his parents were brought up a lot. It wasn't like a lot of stories (and kids in real life) that say these things just to be a typical snot-nose brat. I could feel this is really how Robin views them, and that does add a lot to the story.

You've done a very good job at re-writing this. I sense great things ahead for this story =D

My dad made his millions working as an accountant for the rich—keeping them rich—and wasn’t exactly a fixture in my household. Proving, on more than one occasion, to just be a ghost whose memory haunted the halls of my house.

I thought that “house” could have been “home” – simply because you say household in the line before and it sounds a bit redundant to read.

My mother, on the other hand, was a drunk heiress whose only real job was performing blow-jobs on photographers in exchange for a modeling career.

I loved that bit because it shocked the hell out of me.

In my elitist Catholic school I was an outcast, only spared torment due to my money and apparently power.

“…due to my parents’ money and apparent power.” ?

In my elitist Catholic school I was an outcast, only spared torment due to my money and apparently power. And the fact my mother was a “M.I.L.F” and every idiot wanted to bang her. Which is fucking disgusting.

This bit was kind of choppy. Maybe make it into one (long) sentence. It just seemed like the bit about his mother would be a continuation of why he wasn’t completely ostracized.

I hung out with the apparent “poor crowd” at my school, which the critics scolded me for, stating I was only doing it to be a hipster—whatever that means.

Loved this (with the exception of the “whatever that means” part) because it reminded me of a lot of people I went to school with. Those kids who paid so much money buying clothes that would make them look poor. The purposely ripped jeans and expensive faded t-shirts.

Italian pothead with a vagina

XD

My friends consisted of a loud Brooklyn-ite, a silent Russian, and an Italian pothead with a vagina. Aka: James O’Conner, Skylar Valentine, and Angela Giordano, respectively. My only friends throughout my elementary and high school years since they didn’t care about money, status, or power, and were more concerned with watching cheesy horror movies and where they were going to find a deli that would sell alcohol to minors. Also, they all had a mutual hatred for “Twilight.”*

*That part, I was kind of torn about. I couldn’t figure out if it seemed more “SardonicGrin hates Twilight” or more “a lot of kids in high school hate Twilight.” You know? Because, on one hand, there would be strong haters of Twilight in high school, but then, I know that you hate it…eh. I don’t know. Though I do supposed that since you mention other popular stuff later on (the Demi Lovato reference) then it does seem a better fit for the story.

At the end this got a bit choppy, punctuation-wise (fucking took me three tries to spell that correctly).

- My friends consisted of a loud Brooklyn-it, the silent Russian, and an Italian pothead with a vagina, aka James O’Conner, Skylar Valentine, and Angela Giordan, respectively. They’d been my only friends throughout elementary and high school, not caring about money, status, or power, and more concerned with watching cheesy horror movies and finding a deli that would sell alcohol to minors. They also shared a mutual hatred for all things “Twilight” related.
I would easily get a job despite my poor math scores and the fact I know shit about money.

…and the fact that I know shit about money.

…where I would buy a 4.5 Million Dollar mansion…

“Million dollar” shouldn’t be capitalized, I don’t think.

Then, when the stock market finally completely crashes, and I loose* everyone’s money, I will hurl myself out of my 52 story building; landing on a yellow taxi cab and scarring some poor tourist for life.

*lose

I loved that part, again it kind of shocked me and I liked that.

I’ll get my big break when I make a sex tape with Demi Lovato…

Or Miley Cyrus or Selena Gomez, though I think Miley would be the most likely. XD

Another moment when I was kind of surprise. And I do like that this is kind of kept in present time, you know with him “lusting” after Demi Lovato rather than… I dunno, whoever would have been popular when we were in high school.

I’ll be famous for no real reason except that I am young, I have money, I’m spoiled, and I’m handsome.

The wording here seems a bit…wordy.

I’ll be famous for no real reason except that I’m young, rich, spoiled and handsome – Maybe? I dunno.

D-Rated

I don’t know what that means… :(

…Some D-Rated, straight to DVD horror movies where my body gets hacked up by some Jason/Freddy/Michael Myers hybrid…

I really really really liked his second choice of life-paths, it reminded me of other spoiled rich kids: Lindsey Lohan (who I think is from Long Island, right?), Paris Hilton (who was in a shitty horror movie – House of Wax), the Gotti boys… Love that bit.

I loved that even though I can’t relate to him on a personal level, I can imagine his type. It kind of makes me feel like I could be one of the kids in his class, just sitting around judging him. I dunno, I’m not explaining this right, but I like it.

Then, when I am washed up and the world hardly remembers my name, I’ll make the headlines one last time with the headline “Dead at Thirty-Five, from Heroine* Overdose.”

*Heroin

The word “headlines” here is redundant. Maybe: Then, when I’m washed up and the world hardly remembers my name, I’ll make the headlines one last time: “Socialite Dead at Thirty-Five, Heroin Overdose Suspected.”

Adored the ending line. I like that it was kind of final in ending the chapter, but still left things opening into the next chapter. A very nice lead in.

-----

I still love this character (even throughout all the rewrites). I like that he’s kind of hyper-aware of some things (like how people in school perceive him and where his life could very easily end up), but there’s also something about him that’s very naïve (that he thinks things are so black and white) – and I think that makes him very realistic.

Like I said before, the way you describe him and how he thinks of himself, it’s not relatable in a way that most readers can say “yeah, that’s totally me,” because most of us don’t have rich parents or whatever, but we can still feel for him and still understand where he’s coming from.

The portrayal of his parents was done perfectly too. I mean, right now, it’s kind of one-sided, we can clearly see that he’s not a fan of either of his parents and we’re only told about the bad things…but, there’s just this way you tell the story that makes it clear that we’re seeing things through the eyes of jaded teen. It just makes you think, while you’re reading, that his parents probably aren’t that bad and they must has some redeemable qualities, but Robin can’t see it because…well, he’s too busy being a moody teen.

I’m obviously not explaining myself right or clearly. Sorry.

It’s like, how you read stories with characters trashing their parents and you just simply roll your eyes because it feels so cliché and you just tell that that’s how the author feels about his/her parents. There’s no feel of clarity down the road, like you can tell that the author can’t see that parents aren’t that bad, but with this story you can tell that the parents are being made into villains but into real flawed people - does that make any sense? – I can tell that you’re not pointing out Robin’s parents’ flaws just to stick-it to parents, but to really say something about them.

Anyway, a very good start, I think, as far as content. Sometimes the punctuation gets a bit weird, and then the story becomes choppy because of that, though.

I think I read the original version of this. With the FF7 cast of characters. ^^
I loved the Christmas chapter- if only for the random outbursts of defense from his mum, and the MCR/Hawthorne Heights piss-take. :D
Missed this dearly!!!

Yaaayh this story is back
But it's so different from when I read it for the first time.

This is one of my favorites ever.
On the previous version Skylar Valentine and Robin were my favorites even though Reno was awesome :tehe:

I still don't understand what had happened to Dahlia though, if she was killed by Damian or not (sorry if I'm spoilling the plot here:oops:)... it's been so long since I last read it that I can't remember that part very well.

I was so addicted to it that I still remember some of the characters name and most of the storyline.
From what I remember it was so beautiful, it made me cry, laugh, smile...
I absolutely loved it

The story seems different now but nonetheless amazing!
It's a shame that people don't seem to notice this one and that it only has one chapter up.

You are a wonderful writer

I know this is not one of those constructive criticism comments, but I enjoyed Cherry Soda Boy so much that I felt the need to give my opinion now because when I first read it I was just a lurker >.<.

Great introduction, I must say; I'm not really a fan of slash, but this kept me going.

I'm just going to go with paragraphs to avoid any confusion, here.

I really like the first paragraph, how you used the example of technological involvement of today and the contrast between the past and present, even though you talked about your continent(which doesn't exactly touch me on a personal level, since I don't live there), but I could easily relate to how in today's age we take mostly everything for granted, things our ancestors fought for and this generations' un-appreciation for it.
And how the character does want changes, but yet conforms to society anyway.

I enjoyed the second paragraph as well; I like the way you used the character's thinking to get a certain point across.
"And I sit, and I bitch, and I demand action."
Loving this quote.

I have no complaints to the third and fourth paragraph; lovely done.

You know what, I truly have no complaints on the whole thing.
I love how you used the characters cynicism and irony to make a valid point and condemn on the ignorance of the 'white trash' as you referred to.

Kind of seeing some irony in your writing towards racism; calling them 'white trash' on one side, and yet still castigate them for being racist(at least that's how I perceived it).

Very nice ending, reveals a bit, but still holds you in suspense and makes you want to get to know what story he is talking about.

Overall, the whole things just draws you into wanting to read more.

Though, the thing that caught my attention was the ---- things, I don't know how they're called, oh, dashers!
There's always a space between every - end - of a dash. Makes it more appealing on the eyes. :]

Anyway, I'm subscribing to this. :]