Winter Wakes - Comments

Totally cried. Totally inspired.

*off to read sequel* :)

Wow, the first chapter had me intrigued, the second had me hooked. The description of his hand over her mouth was truly chilling, I could almost feel it myself! ignore any comments about your layout, its awesome and appropriate and anyway that's not what's important. I'm really looking forward to reading on and loving it so far

I've only read the first chapter and can't wait to read more! I believed the first chapter had just enough to make the reader slightly apprehensive in the beginning and then all of a sudden it's become extremely curious.

I also read your author's note, hope to read that version as well! :]

I really loved this story. I'll be honest I was kinda pissed when I got it in the comment swap, since your story already tons of comments. But despite that, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
You managed to capture raw emotion within your story, and it wasn't unrealistic. Not to mention the concept of the story threw me off guard. All the little twists you added into your story keep it interesting and made me gasp time and time again.
I can say that much like Maggie, I fell in love Simon too. Yes, he was an asshole at times, but he genuinely cared for people.
I like how you ended it too. Instead of being all happy and relieving it was a tragedy much like the situation at the start of the story. I can't wait to see what you've done with sequel.
The only problems I saw was your punctuation and some grammar. It was pretty rough in the first couple chapters but it progressively got better, considering you wrote it over a two and a half year span. I really only suggest to consider editing it, because some of your sentences were confusing when they lacked a comma or the order of your words was wrong. The most reoccurring was near your dialogue, concerning the capitalization after dialogue. You never capitilize after dialogue whether you end with a period, question mark etc. when the sentence after the dialogue is referring to how the person is speaking. It should be "You're a brat, Maggie!" he yelled at me. Just as an example.
Anyways, everything else was fantastic. You described things wonderfully and it was never overbearing. Your characters were original, as well as your plot. Very good work!

So, I'm here from comment swap, and honestly, I was only going to read the first chapter and be done with it. OHMYGOSH, I WAS SUCKED IN IMMEDIATELY AND FOR THAT I MUST THANK YOU!

I loved the first chapter from beginning to end, and it was just amazing. I'm loving Maggie, and her dads work, and for some reason, I'm expecting her to be like this creepy girl that's fascinating, if she isn;t then that's totally fine.

I'm really curious about the Dreytons Son, since he seems to be out off by something because of his little outburst, and how casually he was dressed.

Love your description, and your sentences flow nicely, and you have nice grammar too. Total win in my book.

Unfortunately, I don't have time to read the rest right now, but I'm definitely subscribing and recommending.

Please keep up the amazing writing.
:)

I read the second chapter of your story. There are a few places where I am not certain that some of the words are exactly what you meant to say--like when the girl 'questions' whether some people attending the funeral are professors. Maybe take a quick read over everything and make sure everything makes sense.
Once or twice you also add unnecessary phrases to justify things, which I feel isn't needed. "I glanced in his direction once again, only to find I was the one being stared at as opposed to how it was." The 'opposed to how it was' doesn't add to the story.

Wow, this is a really wonderful story though. I'm definitely going to come back for a read. The premise is brilliant idea. I love it.

I have to tell you that I was only going to read the first chapter, but it hooked me. I usually don't read stories like these about ghosts, but I like this one. Your writing is amazing, and I'm sure many envy it. I love the layout, and your grammar is amazing. I'm definitely going to subscribe, so I can read more!

Gotta say I love the details, and I'm totally jealous of your style in writing. I really enjoy this! You've got real talent my friend.

To begin I'd like to say that your layout goes perfectly with your story, it really brings out the sad motifs you portrayed while writing.
You gave a great description of her everyday life in the first chapter. Even down to the little details, such as the tylenol. (Sp?) It gave your audience a great insight to her personality.
At the end of the first chapter I instantly knew that this would have to do with the paranormal.
I'm very excited to continue reading. Very nicely done, thank you for a great read.

I was sent by the comment swap.
Chapter one--you already get points for Dorian Gray!
"slight twinkle briefly appeared in his muddled blue/gray eyes" No slash, please. Blue-gray is perfectly acceptable. Slashes should not be in writing, in my opinion. Reading "blue slash gray" is just... Yucky.
"Luckily it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, and my friend understood" Is it one friend or several? Also, maybe put the text message in italics or bold or something?
"My mini cooper was to my dismay cold as I climbed into it and started the engine." I would change it to, 'was, to my dismay, cold'.
"“’Sorry for your loss,’” His voice cut cruelly through the air. “Bullshit. What the hell could you understand about loss?”" Who says this? I'm assuming for the sake of the story it's the boy in the khakis, but it's not really obvious.

I really like the idea of this story. The summary is brief and to the point while still garnering interest. Overall, definitely something I'd like to read!

Let me just say I started reading this like three days and I'm only on chapter 22. lol. This is amazing. I ususally stop like a few chapters in if I'm not interested but this one I am determined to read until the end haha. I love this idea of a ghost being attatched to someone, although I am confused why he is so violent. Couldn't he be nice for a day? lol. Also I'm hoping they kind of have a thing for eachother, but it's not like it could ever work because he's a ghost and she is alive. You barely have any grammatical errors and I can understand it very well. I love how morbid it is in a sense where he's dead and is trying to make her life hell. Very comical. I love how you thought it all through and know where you're going with it. It flows very well and I don't have to reread chapters to understand what's going on. I really love Simon's character and how you made him out to be this horrible, sarcastic asshole and yet he does have a heart, even it's not beating haha. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this and am definietly subscribing for more. Keep going with this. 8)

Upon reading the summary, I was...intrigued, to say the least. I don't think I've ever come across a story quite like this. It's a very good thing, though, to have your story not be mundane.

But, I have to agree with Enchantment. Despite how well written and fascinating this story is, the serious lack of commas is distracting. It makes your content very hard to read because everything runs on. When writing—especially in dialogue—you need to read it over. Read it aloud if you must. Do you pause? That's a way to find where a comma should be.

You also tag your dialogue improperly. If you need help with this, read this article or this forum thread for both are equally helpful and will make things clear for you to avoid tagging it wrong.

Other than these few mistakes, this story is good. I really like it; it's highly unique. Great job.

It's -very- well written, I'll start off saying. It's nice to see a good break from the mundane.

What really jumped out at me, though, was the serious lack of commas. They seem to be few and far between, and mostly only in dialogue. So, where there should be breaks in your sentences, instead it reads like a talking marathon.

For example:
"I sighed. A sinking feeling of guilt hit me(,) despite my lack of snide comments(,) or even without having thrown a fit over the situation. Just the thought I had been considering complaining about the set up(,) was enough to push me towards that pinnacle of emotion. I should be grateful(,) someone was looking out for my future; not pissed I had to put a little effort into it. I was undeniably selfish."

A good way to find out when a comma should be placed is to just read the sentence.
Do you pause somewhere in the middle?
There are a few basic uses for a comma.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm <--- This is definitely a helpful page to look at for that. It's also really simple. It should be very easy to grasp.

For the most part, there is a subject and a predicate that both support independent ideas, put a comma in between.

For example:

Sarah only wanted chocolate ice cream, but she didn't count on them being sold out.

As opposed to...

Sarah only wanted chocolate ice cream[no comma]that had cherries.

They're very poor examples; I know.

Aside from that, though, this is a really, really good story. I look forward to more!

Sent here by comment swap! :)

To start, I just want to say that I love that Maggie is reading Dorian Gray. Oscar Wilde is very dear to me, so your main character is instantly likeable. In that first paragraph though, there should be a "to" in between "unwilling" and "let".

I love your style too. It's pleasant to read. Also, the layout has a simple elegance which makes it so much easier to read than a lot of other stories on here. Some people just don't get that less is more.

As for the story itself, I am really enjoying it so far! I've only read the first chapter, but I'll definitely be subscribing so I can finish it later :)

Was sent here via comment swap :)

I'm still working my way through, but I absolutely love this! I can find no grammar or spelling errors, and the plot has obviously had a lot of thought put into it, and your description is beautiful! You've got a really nice writing style that makes this exceptionally easy to read, and I was definitely not expecting the end of chapter two! This is an idea I haven't seen before, and it's really well written. I'll definitely be subscribing and working my way through the chapters I haven't read yet. Well done! :)

~comment swap
I've only gotten as far as the 3rd chapter. I like it alot! It's easy to understand and Isee no visible mistakes. Well, I wasn't really looking, haha. Anyway, it's late and I'm tired, I am definitely going to continue reading tomorrow!

Very detailed, I really enjoyed your writing style. Your character development is going along quite well, keep up the great work!

Very detailed, I really enjoyed your writing style. Your character development is going along quite well, keep up the great work!

Very detailed, I really enjoyed your writing style. Your character development is going along quite well, keep up the great work!

Comment swap!
This is great! The storyline is so unique and original. You're a brilliant writer both for the plot and the actual writing. I really like Maggie. Her loyalty to her dad is really sweet. Not many teens would actually try running a funeral home!