August 30th, 2010 at 11:59pm
There's No Such Thing as Magic…Right? - Comments
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i love your story cant wait till you update againAugust 30th, 2010 at 11:57pm
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A-D-D-I-C-T-E-D. XD
That's not even strong enough to describe how much I admire this story.
And I'm with Danielle - kind of upset that all he did was say, "I think I can find it in me to forgive you" or however he put it, when they were so close. The hopeless romantic half of me (did I say half? I meant at least 3/4) was hoping for a heartfelt, sudden flow of words that he hadn't meant to let slip along the lines of, "Dani I'm in love with you will you shut up and freaking kiss me or should I kiss you?!" Haha, jk.
When one person said 'okay, okay' you had 'okay, oaky,' instead...so, thought I'd let ya know XDD
Love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love this story XD
Go Dani, go Dani, you're like a compass AND a secret weapon! lol. Until the next awesomazingsuperduperuberfantabulousticmegacoolteasinglytantalizingandtotalgreatness-packed update. Haha. Made up words FTW ^^August 24th, 2010 at 01:22am -
Ah!! Awesome chapter!! I love how crazy Dani is without even realizing it LOL!!!
Ok, maybe the prince isn't as bad as I thought...But I still don't like him!!
And I still love Damien LOL He got all jealous when she was hugging the prince!!
Now that we know for certain that magic doesn't work on her...I really want to know what happens next=D!
Update soon!!August 23rd, 2010 at 11:54pm -
I really like this story alot!! Lol you are a talented writer so keep it up!:) oh and i watch psych too and i am absolutly in love with that showAugust 23rd, 2010 at 05:15pm
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Awwww...........I like the Prince in a weird way, lol. It's so cute to see Damien getting all jealous ;)
I loved this chapter, right up until the last line where the Prince totally ruined their moment and the relieved feeling of this story. But then again, if it was as simple as taking him back and then Alex left, we wouldn't be able to see her and Damien fall in love. I really hope her brother and her mom are okay though, because I'm kind of scared for him if he's all alone int hat environment.August 22nd, 2010 at 05:18pm -
i can't wait for the update =)
i bet damien doesn't want the mission to end because then she'll leave...............!!!!
....now that i think i about it.... i don't want her to leave yet either!August 22nd, 2010 at 05:16pm -
Loved the new chapter alot!
I'm really super excited to see that our two main chacters are slowly coming together! AHHHHHA!
i've been waiting for that to happen since Damien came into the story.
The prince is a little shady though but i'm hoping that maybe Damien will get jealous of the prince and our half blood and they'll finally come together for good.
Love your story so update soon!August 19th, 2010 at 01:05am -
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
I'm loving it, really. I like how Damien's worried about her - he's definitely worried. It's cute!
And I like how you're moving the story along...but if comments make you write more...then WRITE!!
Haha. Please?
Love this story to bits and pieces, and then some. XDAugust 18th, 2010 at 01:00am -
Back again! Okay...
Chapter 25 still:
I throw the rock... - mixed tense, should be 'threw'.
keeping my eyes locked so... - locked on what? Doesn't make sense without an object to the phrase.
...slowly running his fingers in my red curls. - through rather than in?
I feel asleep. - fell.
...he had his gave fixed on... - gaze?
"stop it, I was scared!" - capital s.
Chapter 26:
...toured the Prince... - toward!
...or let's a magical mirror... - should there be a 'say' after 'let's'?
"Preparing for what," - question so question mark at the end, rather than a comma.
Sooo! That's it. Just punctuation, grammar and spelling really. And a few little reordering bits. Just need to remember certain key things, like toured/ toward, and the punctuation at the end of speech.
Congrats on plot etc, it's all working along very nicely!August 17th, 2010 at 07:31pm -
Huh, didn't mean to publish that yet. Oh well!
Chapter 19:
There were only two mirrors ever made. The Ambitio Twins(1). The second sentence seems a little weird on its own. Perhaps replace the full stop in the middle with a semi colon? Plus, although you're making sure people know there's a note by your (1), it does interrupt the flow quite a bit. I'd be tempted to simply remove it, and just have your AN there without reference.
When in contact with its golden hand it finds your hidden desires... - a little confusing due to the order of possesives. Maybe rearrange to, When its golden hand comes in contact with your skin, it finds you hidden desires...?
...point,“ - speech marks the wrong way round again.
...to me.“ - ditto above.
...he didn’t have it with him. - small confusion over what 'it' is - I'm assuming you mean his powers?
...across it trying to feel its shape. - comma in between 'it' and 'trying'?
hunted me. - haunted?
Chapter 20:
I reasserted Alistair... - reassured?
...sign of a royal blood. - superfluous 'a'.
...What if we‘re too late?” - apostrophe somehow the wrong way round.
I feel so... - mixed tense again, so 'felt'.
...you can do this and you well.” - you can do this 'when you're' well? or 'and you will'?
Whose she? - 'Who is she', so 'Who's she?'
I asked my brow rising in curiosity. - comma in between 'asked' and 'my'.
that is was an - delete 'is'.
okay I admit it maybe... - comma in between 'it' and 'maybe'.
I’d know that they would be done. - 'things' would be done? Makes more sense after the use of 'everything' before.
I was too drown out... - 'drawn'?
Relived that my... - relieved?
Prince Alistair smiled and continued... - comma between 'Prince' and 'Alistair'.
...attacking my dreams. - attacking sounds kind of violent, which oddly juxtaposes the happiness of the previous lines. So maybe change that to 'occupying'?
Chapter 21:
Stiffing a yawn, rubbing... - stifling, and mixed tense for 'rubbing', so change to 'I rubbed'?
with the other, - full stop instead of comma? Otherwise this sentence is unnecessarily long.
Still seeing full stops rather than commas before closing speech marks followed with 'I said' etc., so probably best to check the entire story for that.
I stumbled toured him - 'toward' again.
instead they got into mine. - confused term, after you've used 'it' previously. Either use it again or return to 'the dust'.
stumping on my foot... - stamping?
hug goodbye. - goodbye hug?
I said trying to stir... - comma in between 'said' and 'trying'?
But to think that with every step I took I was getting closer to my goal, I amended to myself that when I got home I’d try to change- god knows I need it- I guess here, around people who actually seem to get me, I really noticed how much I’m missing when I keep to myself all the time… I can actually count on people to help me (no matter how much I hate that it’s still good to know that people have your back). - might want to revise this sentence. It's very long and a bit confused.
...expecting one he hadn’t... - either put 'as' or a comma in between 'one' and 'he'?
...to me let alone start a conversation... - comma in between 'me' and 'let'.
just pretend like... - pretended.
...effort|!" - get rid of weird downwards bar thing?
he wasn‘t any fun - apostrophe the wrong way round.
...o be around with. - delete with?
This whole bit with Dani falling asleep is a little bit confused for tenses and punctuation. Might want to look over it a bit.
I said extending my arm... - comma between 'said' and 'extending'.
sheepishly he said - comma between 'sheepishly' and 'he'.
Chapter 22:
...at the site of the little boy... - sight.
...you‘re terrible at hiding your tracks... - apostrophe wrong way round.
You're missing commas all over the place I'm afraid, so I might have stopped marking all of them down. e.g. I said patting his hair lightly trying to smooth it down. There should be a comma in between 'said' and 'patting', plus between 'lightly' and 'trying'.
Nodding his head eagerly though he wasn’t... - comma after 'eagerly'.
“sure! But… - capital 's'.
My smile widen at... - widened.
I had acted as a crybaby... - like rather than as?
I‘m sorry!” - apostrophe wrong way round.
a fast stride toured me... - 'toward'. This is obviously something you do a lot, you're just going to have to learn to write it the right way.
...how relived Damien had looked - relieved.
I throw a couple... - mixed tense, so 'threw'?
Not knowing what to say... - before you said Dani had a well prepared speech, so this doesn't quite make sense.
“yes!... - capital 'y'.
...I‘m a horrible person.“ - apostrophe and speech mark are both the wrong way round.
“You’re sorry?“ - speech mark wrong way round.
I nodded my head keeping it down... - comma after 'head'.
I should have thought this more through... - through more?
Chapter 24:
I’ve been around him... - mixed tense, so 'I'd'.
now I was going to get it, though, I had a feeling that whatever was coming was nowhere near forgiveness. - no comma needed after 'though'.
“do what?” - capital 'd'.
barley a whisper... - barely.
“Wha-“ - speech marks wrong way round.
“but, I am sorry,” - capital 'b'.
He most have forget that I was there... - 'must' rather than 'most', and 'forgotten', rather than 'forget'?
just for one nightI’d say, - space in between 'night' and 'I'd'.
...unlike some people I know.“ - closing speech mark wrong way round.
smile at that making me grin. - comma after 'that'.
find that Price - Prince?
The whole thing about Damien's greatest desire here? First it looks like you're predictably going to make it Dani, then here it looks like he just wants his parents? Although I'm sensing overall he just wants to be loved? Maybe go back and edit both when he holds the mirror and this bit where he confesses.
Chapter 25:
rumors - probably an Americanised spelling, but I would say 'rumours'.
crept toured me - toward, as per usual.
I'm a little confused as to why Dani falls over here - does Damien actually physically pull her leg?
...you push me and not even bother... - 'don't' rather than 'not'.
who mistaken you - mistook.
talk about my dad. - past tense, so talked.
Which is stupid if think... - you in between stupid and if?
no knowing... - not?
Got to leave it there, although I thought I'd be able to finish it before I went out. I'll be back later!August 17th, 2010 at 12:56pm -
Ok, back to reviewing!
Chapter 14;
options-which - you need a space on either side of the hyphen.
This was not suppose to go this way. - sentence doesn't quite make sense, perhaps due to the repetition of 'this'. I know what you're trying to convey, but could you put it another way?
It was well known that the rare emerald that held great power could only be found deep in the Quillanian Mines, but since they were so rare they were hardly ever found other then in small parts but they were still very powerful. Sentence a little confused. Particularly 'the rare emerald that'... makes it sound like there is only one emerald. Might want to go over it.
The Mines became his first and soon his only priority. - commas around 'and soon his only'.
Chapter 15:
I had it with all this. - wrong tense, should be 'I've had it...'
ran away from - wrong tense again, should be 'run'.
Again, I could ran, should be 'run'.
steps backward toured the door - 'toward'.
but none of them noticed - none suggests a crowd. As there are only two other people in the room, 'neither' would be more appropriate.
“And don’t you go anywhere were!" - no need for the last 'were'.
Chapter 16:
I small smile... - 'A' small smile?
Chapter 17:
Banner at the start of this chapter doesn't work, you've just got the little default picture.
At the start of this chapter you write 'ok' in three different ways. Pick one way and stick to it.
breath taken[/] - probably better to put a hyphen, 'breath-taken'.
Chapter 18:
“Not to sound rude,” I turned around... - following the speech with 'I' makes it sound briefly like Danielle is talking, although obviously she isn't. Better to close of the speech with a full stop, and paragraph the next line.
I muttered sarcastically swinging my legs. - need a comma, between 'sarcastically' and 'swinging'.
“and that means I’m immune to magic?“ - need a capital 'a' on 'and', plus the closing speech mark needs switching round.
“how can that... - need a capital on 'how'.
But people don’t always get what they wish for and I was no exception. - 'don't always' makes it sound more likely that you would get what you wished for. So maybe change that to 'hardly ever'?
Chapter 19:
“come on... - capital.
No one wants to hear... - mixed tense, so 'wanted'.
Children have lost... - mixed tense again, so 'had'. Same thing for the 'have' shortly after.
...all at the hand of... - hands?
hat was what I intend to do. - intended?August 17th, 2010 at 11:32am -
Sorry I've been so long in getting round to look at the updates! 'fraid even after exams I was a lot busier than I thought I was going to be! I'll note things down as I read:
Chapter 7:
I think the layout's new? It's very nice, I like it. Very classy.
How's that for an entrance. Question mark at the end?
...or should I say a ton of oranges... - need some commas around 'should I say'.
It's pathetic really it's not like I'd been shot. - need something to break up the middle of that sentence, either 'as' or a '-'.
Double spacing needed between these two bits:
...You would have done the same thing.
So I closed my eyes and acted dead-ish...
"...just a terrible actress." Came a smug voice. - need a comma rather than a full stop at the end of the speech, because you continue with a remark about the speech itself.
Chapter 8:
...with all those twigs and leaves in them... - should probably be 'these' and 'it' rather than 'them'.
"fine, we'll... - capital on the 'fine'?
who knew pain could feel so real? - maybe put 'imagined' before the pain?
You seem to pull both Cal and Damien's names out of nowhere. It would be nice if they were used in the conversation somewhere instead of just magically appearing, although I can't say I noticed at first.
...then you do! - 'than you do'?
out load. - I think you mean out-loud.
Chapter 9:
If Dannielle has asked if they're there yet 24 times, and she still hasn't had an answer, surely she has also been ignored 24 times, and not 23 times?... that sounds like a crazy Maths question!
In this chapter Cal's name changes to Calvin, which is a little confusing.
...I hated being here the same goes... - need some kind of link between 'here' and 'the', maybe 'and' or a comma.
...sit ever there... - 'over'?
"We're here." - If you put 'we're' like then, then technically it's only two words, so Dannielle's last comment is incorrect.
It was the most beautiful scene I have ever witnessed... - mixed tenses. Change 'have' to 'had'?
in the comfort of my bed even though Damien's was comfortable it wasn't mine. - a little bit confused, this sentence. Maybe add some punctuation in. e.g.
...in the comfort of my bed; even though Damien's was comfortable, it wasn't mine.
Chapter 11:
Cal said sourly, his mood changing suddenly. "That tattle tale," He muttered under his breath. Should probably put a double paragraph space in between 'suddenly.' and '"That...'?
This is a pretty short chapter, nothing too remarkable in it either. If you ever rewrite you might want to either extend it, or attach it to chapter 12.
Chapter 12:
days a time - days at a time?
dining room slash kitchen - should probably either have hyphens in between them, or the slash should be an actual /.
...looking sulky, sitting at the head... - this is a pretty long sentence. You might want to swap this comma for a full stop and split it up.
walked toured me - 'toward'?
pleaser - pleasure?
I held out my arm. "Hmm… yes,"... - paragraph break after 'arm'?
corrected laughing - comma in between these two?
bigie - biggie?
- okay more like shrieked, - if you use a hyphen to start this aside, you should really finish it with another hyphen.
Chapter 13:
Alistair jokes - Alistair's jokes?
"...I thought that-“ - just a word processor fault, sometimes after hyphens the speech mark will face the wrong way. Try writing the speech mark first, then going back and putting the hyphen in.
Not sure if I've mentioned this before, but if a closing speech mark is followed by a 'he said' or similar, then your closing punctuation should be a comma, not a full stop:
e.g. "Hello," he said." rather than "Hello." he said.
This crops up quite a few times. Just make sure you check for it.
They way to... - 'the'?
never even meet - 'met'?
Ok, I'll leave it at there for tonight. I will try and get this finished tomorrow, I don't want to make you hang on any longer! Good work with all the updates btw, you really seem to have written loads!August 16th, 2010 at 11:41pm -
Finally the prince!!!!!!!!! And he's a total girl!!! LOL And damien got all overprotective of her! So cute!!! I guess now starts the difficult part?! I think Dani is going to fall with what the prince said LOL
Can't wait for the next one!
<3August 16th, 2010 at 08:46pm -
Finally!!!!!!!! XDAugust 12th, 2010 at 07:16pm
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luv ur story!!!!!!!!!!!!August 10th, 2010 at 01:11am
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You did not just leave me there. Uh-uh. No way.
WEll, you did...but you can remedy that soon, right?
I'm very, very interested in hearing what happens.
And le GASP! Damien as a soft side ^^
Can't wait for more, you're doing excellent! Until next time =3August 9th, 2010 at 04:06am -
Aaaaaah!!! They finally found the prince!!!!!!!!!!! What's going to happen now?!?
And they are all cute and shit now! LOL Though it was heartbreaking....Poor girl...August 8th, 2010 at 01:41am -
Well, I skimmed this chapter again to tell you the couple other mistakes I'd spotted on my original trip through XD
First paragraph, talking about 'Damien would crossed his arms, uncrossed them' -- take off the 'eds' and it would be a little more gramatically correct.
Also first paragraph, you need to add another 't' in 'spiting' because the root word in 'spiting' isn't spit, it's spite...lol XD Not that that matters much, you just need to add a t.
A few paragrapsh down, the first word is "Claming" - it should be 'clamping' right?
And gol-durn it if I don't remember the only other thing I saw at this time...it wasn't very big, either...XD
I still like the story, even with the minor mistakes XDAugust 3rd, 2010 at 05:03pm -
Cutee! But... what happens to his little brother? Is he going to stand longer to wait for Damien and Danielle?August 2nd, 2010 at 07:10am
all that I had in me to stiff in a gasp -- all that I had in me to stifle my gasp? I don’t really know what you were trying to say, so that’s my suggestion ^_^
Those were the few corrections I caught.
Okay, so I really wasn't lying when I said I was addicted. I'm not even sure that THAT'S strong enough to describe my obsession with There's No Such Thing as Magic...Right? anymore...I really really wanna know if Dani gets in trouble with the king...and if she needs saved...so don't leave me hanging long, pleaaaaaaaase? Love it sooo much!