I should really be in bed now because I'm mega tired and it's past midnight, but eh. I was noseying around the story contest board and I chanced upon this and it made me smile because I've been wanting to read a story with this pairing in ever since I discovered Negative about two or three months ago. :tehe: So I decided to leave you some feedback. But anyway, I'll stop waffling and I'll get on with it. :tehe:
The way you opened with speech was quite effective, you instantly throw the reader into the action and the way you described Ville's quite child-like fear was really good. And the fact that they're doing a childlike activity - going to a water park, which is usually what little kids go and do - reiterates the fact and shows that Ville posesses a few child-like qualities. Which is actually really sweet.
I like how Jonne's all reassuring with him, telling Ville that he doesn't look like a creep in swimming shorts and that he knows this because he's seen him naked! He seems quite protective over Ville, which is insanely sweet. It's almost like he wants to wrap him up in cotton wool and keep him close to him.
The reason for Ville's fear is quite sad, and it's really believeable. I like how you've made this story believable and the storyline is very definite; not wandering too far and not being some fantasy story that you can't picture these characters in.
I loved the bit of humour, where Jonne admits to Ville that he'd been reading Harry Potter, and Ville just called him a lame-ass shithead. :tehe:
Jonne is an absolute sweetheart, what with talking to Bam and making sure that he isn't going to do anything stupid. You really brought across the fact that Jonne really cares for Ville and he'll stop at nothing to make sure that everything's perfect for him.
I like how when they're at the water park, Jonne calls Ville kulta, it shows a more sensitive side to their relationship. And I love Jonne's ways of making Ville come up the slide with him, saying that footballers would hit on him because of his pink board shorts and long blonde hair. :tehe:
The banter between them is humourous as they're waiting to go up the slide. You've got a really good knack of funny writing which is good because I like reading light-hearted stuff and there doesn't seem to be all that much of it any more that I actually read!
I liked how Jonne had to almost force himself to propose, it was like he was a little bit scared of how Ville would react to the question. :think: It's the one bit in the story where we can see that Jonne isn't always as confident as he sometimes makes out to be.
The way he actually proposed was adorable. That would be exactly what I'd imagine him to say, you've really got his character nailed! :cute:
Oh, and the last line was absolutely classic. :tehe:
Your writing is amazing, I really love the way you pay attention to detail. I'll have to check out more of your stuff when I'm more awake.
Am on my iPod so this will be short but that was ducking amazing. The last line :lmfao Just pure win. It was perfect. Everything, the little jokes, the sweet lines. I loved it. Jonne is just adorable as is Ville.
The way you opened with speech was quite effective, you instantly throw the reader into the action and the way you described Ville's quite child-like fear was really good. And the fact that they're doing a childlike activity - going to a water park, which is usually what little kids go and do - reiterates the fact and shows that Ville posesses a few child-like qualities. Which is actually really sweet.
I like how Jonne's all reassuring with him, telling Ville that he doesn't look like a creep in swimming shorts and that he knows this because he's seen him naked!
The reason for Ville's fear is quite sad, and it's really believeable. I like how you've made this story believable and the storyline is very definite; not wandering too far and not being some fantasy story that you can't picture these characters in.
I loved the bit of humour, where Jonne admits to Ville that he'd been reading Harry Potter, and Ville just called him a lame-ass shithead. :tehe:
Jonne is an absolute sweetheart, what with talking to Bam and making sure that he isn't going to do anything stupid. You really brought across the fact that Jonne really cares for Ville and he'll stop at nothing to make sure that everything's perfect for him.
I like how when they're at the water park, Jonne calls Ville kulta, it shows a more sensitive side to their relationship. And I love Jonne's ways of making Ville come up the slide with him, saying that footballers would hit on him because of his pink board shorts and long blonde hair. :tehe:
The banter between them is humourous as they're waiting to go up the slide. You've got a really good knack of funny writing which is good because I like reading light-hearted stuff and there doesn't seem to be all that much of it any more that I actually read!
I liked how Jonne had to almost force himself to propose, it was like he was a little bit scared of how Ville would react to the question. :think: It's the one bit in the story where we can see that Jonne isn't always as confident as he sometimes makes out to be.
The way he actually proposed was adorable. That would be exactly what I'd imagine him to say, you've really got his character nailed! :cute:
Oh, and the last line was absolutely classic. :tehe:
Your writing is amazing, I really love the way you pay attention to detail. I'll have to check out more of your stuff when I'm more awake.