With a Cigarette. - Comments

Don't add more. It is beyond words as is.

Wow, oh, wow.
We need more stories like this, I swear to fucking GOD.
That was the weirdest and most random and the best thing I've read in a hellza long time.
Wow, is all I say and applaud is all I can do.

Story/Review Game

I thought this oneshot was very intriguing and well written. The fact that we didn't know who these people really were added ambiguity to it - this could almost be applied to anyone, and we focus on the topic and meaning of conversation. Little things in the piece made me think alot, and because of that it was rather deep and not a shallow story.

She's laughing, whistles erupting from her chest, merging and folding into the smoke of the lonely cigarette shivering between her fingers. You start off very well, at once exhibiting your very unique and imaginitive description. I can see this woman, whoever she is, being engulfed by smoke and almost being at one with it.

She's lying on that cold couch, in nothing but her skin and the imprinted traces of clothing on her chopstick legs and glossy paperback back. I love how you said she was in nothing but her skin - it hinted to me that there was more to her than meets the eye - and the chopstick legs was an interesting and fitting metaphor. It suggests she's unwell. However, the repetition of 'back' I found a little halting and you could maybe have played around with words to find a similar term that sounded different to describe her back.

How could you convict someone whose already went to the electric chair by his own two feet? I love the little snippets of wisdom you add, the thoughts spoken out loud by this narrator. However your grammar needs work here - 'whose' is a posessive word and in this context it should be 'who's' as a contraction of 'who has', and 'went' should be 'been'. The next line also needs correcting: He knew what she's like, what kind of person she is, but he's still couldn't swallow it. You have tenses mixed up. As the whole piece is in present tense, it should read: He knows what she's like, what kind of person she is, but he still can't swallow it.

"I can't do relationships and love like you do, like everyone does. It's not meant for someone like me." I love your characterisation. We gradually get to learn about these two unnamed people, and the girl seems quite pessimistic yet realistic, while the boy seems naive and persistant: "I'll sew you shut every time. I'll sew you before he even gets the chance. I'll patch you up and stop the pains. I'll make you human again." I admire him, and though they're both stubborn characters you can see the contrast clearly.

Lightly, she shoves him away. "You're too innocent and for that." I think you missed a word here between 'and' and 'for'.

His fingers take away that lonely poor cigarette from her own and put it aside, right in the middle of the empty guts of the dotted-glass ashtray. "This'll kill you," I like the symbolism here; there's quite a bit of focus on the cigarette throughout the piece and I didn't really make too much of it until the end, when she says he's just a cigarette. To me, it either suggests that he's just another person she'll sleep with to create that tiny bit of intimacy then throw away, just like a cigarette, or that he'll create something bad in her if she gets too attached, as she claims she is unable to be close to someone in a normal relationship.

Overall, aside from the few grammar mistakes, this was an enthralling and very well written piece. I absoutely adore your use of metaphor and imagery, and you're a fantastic writer. Keep it up. :cute:

lovely layout. It shouldn't just stop there, but who am I to say that?