Dirty Little Secret - Comments

Please update!

Oh man. I promised to leave this feedback as soon as I'd finished my January exams.

...Evidently I fail on that front. But I'm here now. I promised you I'd leave feedback for this. :3 I'm sorry that I'm, like, half a year late. D:

I thought the opening of part ninr was particularly effective. It's just letting the reader have time to take everything in and I also like the sense of suspense this gives, cause I was wondering how Jamie would react; whether he'd be hurt or whether he'd just explode. This line - I couldn’t fight any sort of emotion, I couldn’t push any though, any feeling, anything away…I was helpless - seems to sum up this entire story. Lee feels like he can't do anything to escape from this prison that he's trapped in, and it's like he's just accepted his "fate", so to speak.

I thought it was apt that Jamie was the only person that Lee was really paying any attention to. He's with a group of his close friends but Jamie is the only person he can really see. Jamie’s face was the first that I properly focused on. I think this says it all. Although he does love his friends, Jamie's opinion (if that's the right word to describe it) is the only thing that matters to him right now. Jamie shouted, dropping to his knees all of a sudden. This just shows a desperation from Jamie. He's reduced to dropping down to his knees and doesn't want to believe it, even though deep down inside himself he knows it's the truth. It's really saddening how this has inadvertently affected so many people. It's like the same sheer desperation seems to exist in both Lee and Jamie, somehow.

Jamie just seems to go through so many different emotions. First, it's just pure rage. Then he breaks down, and then he goes quiet. I don't think he knows how to react to what Lee has just told him, which is why he's going through so many emotions in one go. “Tell me, tell me what he did, baby,” he said, his shoulders trembling. “Please. I need to know.” You just really feel for him with this statement. It's like he's going through what Lee is, almost. Especially when he's crying. You just want to reach out to him. :(

I thought it was sweet how they all immediately wanted to stick up to him and help him in any way that they could. It really emphasises how strong their friendship is, especially with the last line of this part. “We get even. He hurt Lee. We’ll hurt him.” Great way to end that part.

Part 10 confused me a little bit at the start because I couldn't quite work out whose point of view it was. But I just fail, because when it comes to feedback I save the parts and type out my feedback in Word because I'm pedantic like that. Anyway, to make a long story short, it meant I missed the little note on the main story page. Cause I suck. XDD

But yeah, I liked this part in the way that it developed the whole Sean/Ian relationship. It was a nice break from the angst and turmoil of the earlier parts and I really like the fact that this story isn't solely focusing on Jamie and Lee. It's got other relationships developing within this, too, and it's interesting to watch them unfold.

I'm interested to see how this part links up to later parts. :)

I'm very sorry you had to wait so long for this review, and I'm also sorry that this is a sucky review. This story deserves better. D:

This is an amazing story, and I really can't wait to hear how it ends :D congrats :D

Oh wow. I haven’t commented anything of yours in forever. So now I shall do a proper comment. As in, typed in word then copied and pasted so I know everything’s spelt right and I don’t cry when mibba loses the comment.

Anyway.

Actually, have I ever even commented this particular story...? No? Okay. I shall start from the beginning then.

Chapter oooooone.
I really like how you described Mr. Harrison, very much like how you describe people as well, what with the “he was rather skinny, in a saggy my back hurts and I arch my hips out kind of way.” bit. You can really fee Lee’s hate towards him, as well as blatant disrespect and... well, how we all feel towards teachers I suppose. You also make him sound vile. Good boy. I also like how you showed Lee’s attitude towards school, how he doesn’t give a fuck, copies work, doesn’t do work, puts porn everywhere, stuff like that. Basically, you developed the characters really well in first chapter, which is always a fabulous way to start a first chapter, because... uh, it’s the first one, and people like to know about who they’re about to read about and yeah. Aaannd Mike, Stu and Jamie are awesomely written about. Especially Stu. Stu is osm. And hardcore. Oh yes. And how Lee likes Jamie is sweet, how like, you said everything shit doesn’t matter as long as Jamie was there, or... something like that. Then we get to Iaaaaaaaaan, who, again, I love how you’ve portrayed. And Sean, particularly this sentence: “One boy in this shitty town had managed to pin Ian down longer than anyone. Sean Smith didn’t even have a grip on puberty yet, but damn did he have a grip on Ian.”. Generally, in the two sentences or so, their relationship sounds awesome, and everyone loves SeanxIan, so yuh, fabalus. And then the general banter at the end, and once again, I’m repeating myself, but I really do like how you’ve developed the characters, god damn it’s good. I’m bored of talking about this chapter now... so moving on...

Twoooooo... is awesome, as are many things you write. I... don’t think I have the brain power to do a full on talk about this one, but I like how you’ve shown the relationship between Lee and his mother, and generally how everything’s so... natural. Like the speech and stuff, it’s how a conversation would go, it doesn’t seem forced, or awkward, or unrealistic. It’s gooood. And how the punishment it’s all OTT and stuff like you get in other shitty fan fiction, it’s just... damn I seem to be repeating myself a lot today, but it is genuinely realistic what happens in this story. And writing about this chapter is making my hands cold. So we shall progress.

Thureee, :3 I love Stu in this chapter, with him casually being some shady dealer that no one really questions yet being totally epic at the same time. It’s- oh god. How the hell did that sentence remind me of that gross IanxSean story be that disgusting guy?! >.<!- I’ve forgotten what I was gonna say. Uhrrmm... oh, I like how natural you make Lee and Jamie’s relationship (that was nearly Lee and Stu just then, glad I read back, what an odd couple that would be...) and just the snuggleyness even though they’re both mega hxc. Oh yus. Then the general defence from his friends, again, realistic, and Ian being a bit of a prick in the way you know he’s right and don’t really get mad at him because it’s just what he does.

444444
“I stiffened slightly, feeling the tickle of his sour vapours I edged to the side, squirming a little as discomfort fell over me like a curtain. His grip tightened and voice got lower, practically whispering in my ear, while he spoke about calculations as if it was dirty talk.”
>_O

Funf...
Oh wow. Oh wow indeed.
Disturbing and disgusting I wish to skin Mr. Harrison and just... urgh... though I do think it was a little soon into the detentions to start violating the poor boy, though I understand it can get boring just writing about detentions and shit, and build up can seem like it’s taking forever. Nonetheless, it was well written, unfortunately, sickeningly so, and yeah “My heart sank further and body tightened sickeningly as a third digit was slammed into me with his others, the three fingers pushing deep and hard into me before he twisted his wrist and I swear I felt a warm pool of blood flow over us.” make me feel faint much?! Haha. I’m such a wuss...

AND... I shall do the last half of this comment after I’ve done a piece of homework. So... yuh... I’ll comment again later probably ^____________^

omg this story is great, i love how they are getting back, i dont want lee getting hurt no more, that was horrific

I love it! :) x

D=

Poor Lee. =(

I really like this. It's amazingly written. =] More when you can!

Oh mi days...

Updatey soon, yesss?

I'm still reading =D

Theo Theo Theo my darling.
Please update as soon as is humanly possible.
I fear the cliff hanger will kill me.

How long has this taken? :twitch: I can only apologise for my suckiness of leaving timely reviews, I hope this will make up for the wait. Basically I've been reviewing stories in the order that they were posted, and I had an insane backlog of stories before this one. I feel bad for making you wait this long, you have no idea.

I really liked how you described Lee's fear. My feet stopped moving, my whole body froze before I could even round the corner to face the room. He's just consumed by fear at the thought of everything, he's not able to face up to any of it and he's just become broken. The fear has just filled his body and he's rooted to the spot. It's almost like a reflex - his body knows it's bad and won't allow him to move any closer to the room.

And this just shows how affected he's become. I barely batted an eyelid at their words, it just passed right through me, unable to tear me up like it might have before. Verbal abuse just seems like nothing to him any more, not after what he's been through. He can just take it without batting an eyelid because it just seems so insignificant compared to what he's had to endure now. He just doesn't care any more.

This was so sad. I might as well be dead. He's like a robot, he hasn't felt alive since it happened for the first time. He hasn't been aware of anything, hasn't been able to take anything in. He's just on autopilot, going through his life without feeling or experiencing anything apart from fear of what will happen at the end of the day. And that's quite a scary realisation.

Sorry for quoting so much. I know he had shit in his life, a lot of it. His family were thousands of pounds below any sort of poverty line that was set in this town, all of them were known as rather whores or criminals, cheating and stealing at every corner…yet he was always smiling. I think that Stu is my favourite character in this story. He's quite a complex character. He's got a hell of a lot to deal with, but he just gets on with it. And he's quite a tough character, yet under this hard exterior there's a guy with a lot of problems but he just carries on as if nothing is wrong, with a smile on his face. It's an admirable quality to have.

I think this was the worst thing that he could have said. Fuck Harrison. I mean, obviously he didn't know that that's exactly what's been happening. And it's a sudden realisation of what's looming for him. And this is when all the emotions that have been building up inside of him finally escape, and Lee just lets it all out at once, which can't be good for him in some ways, but I guess that it is in others because it's a release for him.

Stu doesn't know what to do. “What? Fuck, Lee, what’s wrong? Shit, shit, shit!” I don't think he's good at coping in these situations. He's fine at sorting out fights, he's good at stealing stuff, but he's not good when faced with a situation like this. And I think that he's panicking about what to do, because he knows that something that he's said has set Lee off, but he's not sure what.

And Jamie is instantly there. Before I could even look up, Jamie was next to me. It's like he knew that Lee was upset and just came instantly. (Their relationship is really sweet, by the way.) Jamie is Lee's reassurance, he makes things better. Jamie is Lee's rock, always there for him no matter what. He's such a sweetheart and I love the way you've written him.

Again, this shows Lee's reflexes and the fact that his body knows that Mr Harrison's room is danger. I couldn’t even face Mr Harrison’s room as we passed it, instead choosing to bury my face into Jamie’s shoulder and push out the remaining tears as we walked. He can't so much as look at it, and he seeks the reassurance that he needs from Jamie by moving himself closer to him. I think this makes him feel more safe, and by crying he's letting out all the tears that have been building up inside of him since it all first happened.

He wants to tell them all, but he's not sure if he can. His words were clear in my mind, as if he had only just said them. He remembers the threat as clear as anything, and he's worried about the consequences that will happen if he breathes a word about this. He's scared it might get worse for him somehow, but he just wants to escape from it all, despite all of this. I think these words have been haunting him and they're the reason why he's not said anything before now.

You've wrote Lee's desperation and fear incredibly well. I couldn’t speak. It was impossible for me to say it, I willed them to just ask straight out, I wanted them to guess, maybe it wouldn’t be so horrible them. He just can't bring himself to do it. It's awkward to read, in a way (this is a compliment btw) and it makes me want to scream at the others about what's really happening, because I was scared that Lee wouldn't end up saying anything, and it would just continue.

And then when he finally said it, after a lot of deliberation (I loved the way you built it all up, by the way). “He … raped me.” I really liked that you just ended it there, it's open-ended and really makes me want to read the next part. I want to see their reactions, I want to see what they're going to do about it and I want to find out what's going to happen next!

Sorry about the wait. Next time you definitely won't wait as long. It was just that I had a heap of reviews that all piled up at once. I'm sorry. :arms:

Poor Lee :(

at least he's told his friends what's been happening and they can help him =]

omgno: Make me cry why don't you!

Loved it :cute:

Omg finally!
Emmmm you're too good at writing.
Suspense is killing meee!

amaizing more please please this story rocks

zomfgzzzzz perfect update

i leave now, k? :lmfao

Well first of all, I'm really sorry that I didn't leave you feedback earlier. If you notice that I haven't left feedback, then please tell me! I feel so guilty for not leaving it sooner, I'm really sorry! I hope this makes up for the wait.

Great opening, first of all. I like how ominous it sounds and you've really written Lee's fear well. He's scared of what's to come and I like how you haven't described him as being scared, you've just described his actions and this works a lot better. It's also a good technique because sometimes something like "he was nervous" sounds so flat and boring, so having Lee going through the motions was a lot more believable than some one-dimensional description. So good job on that bit.

I loved this description. I’d think too much and overload myself with thoughts, then I’d forget to breathe. I liked how that sounded and it really shows the stress that Lee is under. It's simple things that are slipping his mind and he's finding it harder and harder to concentrate on everyday tasks. He's got too much on his mind and he knows that it won't be disappearing any time soon.

He's broken down. Tears streamed down my face. I think this is just symbolic of how he feels. He's hiding away from the world so that nobody can tell that he's hurting like he is. It's quite sad, really.

It's sad that Lee won't tell Jamie what's up. I guess he's worried of the consequences of what will happen if he breathes a word, but it makes me sad that he feels so alone in this, so alone that he can't confide in the one person he loves the most. It just shows how much he's been hurt by it all. He's been broken down and is a shadow of the person he was before. And Jamie notices this, and wants to help but can't because Lee won't say anything. I know that you've not explicitly said that Jamie's said anything, but the impression that Ian gave in the bathroom really implies how worried the pair of them are about him.

By the way, this was great. Don't doubt your writing. :arms:

Ooh great update!!

yay for update! :crazy:

So, I sacrificed an evening of snogging Sean and bit right through my best BIC so I could come talk to you here This made me laugh and i have no idea why... :tehe:

:(

This makes me sad for lee... :(

Oh my gosh, I need an update now!
:O