Mercury - Comments

I'm going to be completely honest and admit that I am not a Naturo fan, but this one shot is amazing!

I absolutely love the expression you used in this. All of the similes and methaphors used worked amazingly well with the story. I am truly jealous of your writing technique.:)

Again, best of luck in the contest! :)

First of all, I gotta be honest, I never really liked that song. But I'm almost surprised of how fucking well it fitted the whole story. This might as well be a songfic since it was based off of a song but it wasn't and I like very much that you made the song and the band playing part of the story.

:tehe: I'm gonna try not to just say everything that the other reviews already said, because they've pretty much pointed out everything I wanted to, too.

You started it nicely and everybody knows how important that is.

I've told you this before and I tell you this every time but it's like you're magic when it comes to story flow. It's like what Alice said up there, it's like water. It comes off so easily. It's like, if you were telling this story out loud, the words would just roll out of your mouth. And I love how beautiful and poetic you described everything. I could see everything happening, you didn't miss one detail. And I think it's hard for a writer to pull off without making it annoying, but I think you did well.

Also, I love how you didn't only concentrate on Shino and Kiba but also the people around them, like the band and the wallflowers. Btw, bonus points on calling them wallflowers and not just "the people around them," I like the creative use of adjectives and such.

I think the disconnection of lyrics to emphasize important parts of the song was effective. I kind of wondered when I read, '...you'll feel it in... crazy for you...' but it worked.

He never really could stand his name, spoken that way. In a tone he used to be able to interpret, and, he found out, still could. I really liked this line because I think it said a lot about Kiba's character and personality and the relationship between the two characters.

"standing still in time, if you read my mind, you'll see...' I just wanted to point out that " should be ' just to keep consistent since the rest of the lyrics were written that way.

Kiba's sudden outburst contributed a lot to the story. It showed just how... confused he is about the whole thing. Like, he's not really sure how to act.

He struggled for comprehension, desperately tightening his hold on those jutted shoulders; because it was his dream, and he knew that if you touch a dream it vanishes. I love this line so much because of how real and true it is. Everybody knows that feeling It's my favorite part in this story.

I don't know how you can keep being so poetic throughout the whole story.

And then there was nothing but loneliness, dry in the crackling air and the ever-winding spin of memories too-far gone, but they tasted the same in heartache; the texture of hope on chapped lips that told them that one kiss won't make it all okay, but perhaps a thousand more might be enough.

It's such a sad way to end a story but at the same time it's really just kind of a hopeful ending. but perhaps a thousand more might be enough. I kind of just stared at the screen for a minute because I couldn't believe there was such a great way to end a story. It just made me go, "wow. Isa pulled it off and she did it amazingly." I'm not lying.

You're amazing, Isa. You should know that by now. You're a greatgreatgreat writer. :arms:

PS: Sorry for the shitty review.

Story/Review Game

Ever since I'd read an excerpt of this, I'd been desperate to read it, which is surprising since I don't often read Naruto fics.
Which is proof that your writing is just that good - having someone who mainly reads band fics wanting to read this.

The music trickled from the speakers, speckled by the adjacent noise of static and electric frenzy. The band was chopping up the song and throwing its pieces into the river; killing it to its very core.

That very first sentence is just brilliant, the use of the verbs trickled and speckled seem to fit poetically together and breed an amazing description.
And it's followed very well by an excellent phrased metaphor.

The small parts of the of the song coming in every so often gave the whole story a certain feel, it was excellent.

dim lights cascading on their shoulders like molten, pallid, too-warm wax
:cheese:
That blew me away!
The phrase just flowed and created a real sense of what was going on, I could start seeing this in my mind.

Just from these first few paragraphs, I'm getting a feel for the slight frustration and hurt - it's brilliant.

Eyes like two ovals of abyss on that pale, passive palette of a face; eyes that were visible with the absence of the sunglasses that used to hide them; and eyes that brimmed and hurt with unseen smoke and far too long a silence.
Normally, I find heavy descriptions of eyes or attraction to a characters eyes to be a little clichéd but this one just worked, it flowed.

He almost slammed his drink on the bar top...
The suddeness of his inexplicable rage actually made me jump.

He could smell him coming, the tang of the forest after a rainstorm, swaddled in sweat, all too familiar and all too overwhelming.
The use of sense of smell was an excellent idea here and 'the tang of the forest after a rainstorm' worked very well. As did the repetiton of 'all too'.

hideously splintered
I love that phrase!
Again, it's poetic and beautiful.

The guitar notes were a scattered melody, the singer's voice wavering and strangled, stepping in all the wrong moments, stinging and horribly real. It filled up the high swells of unbridled harmony, which brought with it a certain semblance of humanity to longing, to regret, and to unfinished endings.
I read through this and was thinking to myself to make a comment of the excellence of discussing the bad rendition of the song to distract himself.

Of course, he only thought of this to ignore the urgent pressure of a palm closing around his arm, keeping him where he was.
But the paragraph ended with this and it's like you read the reader's mind!
You've got this down to fine art, it's amazing.

Nothing ever did slither from that sheltered mouth; nothing but parasites of destruction and apathy.
That sentence has such a depth of angst and anger, I love it.

"Get away from me." He built edges around his tone, tearing it from his pursed lips in shreds, futile attempts to rid himself of the bitterness that marked a lingering flavor on his tongue.
You can even describe a tone and make it like a real object!
I think that was brilliant.

but the weak miasma blurring his vision and the words he wished would pierce as deeply as they had pained him.
Again with the amazing angst.
Also, I haven't seen the word 'miasma' used so brilliantly in a story for a long time.

It earned them both wary and disapproving glances from wallflowers
I loved that you used the term wallflowers for the other party-goers. It worked really well.

I think it works well that you haven't actually mentioned names until quite a way through the story.

They had lost too much, in slivers of mistrust and sadness, in mute lips and scornful glares, in all that they can never get back.
This really puts the hurt and the loss into perspective - it was fantastic.

Even if he never got what he tried to be patient for, it was okay, it was okay, he should have known when to stop looking for something that had never been there anyway--

I like the repetition of 'it was okay' and how just as it was starting to dwindle into self-hate, the song stops the thought.

His stomach churned with something imperceptible, his senses burned and were rendered useless for a moment, and he nearly collapsed from the knowledge that he had never yearned for anything more than what was in front of him right now.
In the view of an English nerd, this cluster of three is excellent!

A rueful, pleading smile ghosted
I liked the use of 'ghosted'.
Many people, myself included, would put 'a ghost of a smile', which doesn't sound as good.

elbows thrown haphazardly in imperfect angles around that neck
I love wreckfullness or messiness of how that sounds.

and the song collided to an end
I love that even whilst this emotional turmoil between the tow is happening, this dislike of the cover of the song still remains.

And then there was nothing but loneliness, dry in the crackling air and the ever-winding spin of memories too-far gone, but they tasted the same in heartache; the texture of hope on chapped lips that told them that one kiss won't make it all okay, but perhaps a thousand more might be enough.
This paragraph is one of the most beautiful endings I could have read!
I think it's brilliant how you've taken something like a kiss, that in most stories makes everything okay again and you've then broken the cliché down to say that it really doesn't make everything okay.
But perhaps a thousand more might be enough
That part really made a big impact on me.
Whilst I was reading this I actually had tears in my eyes (something that's very rare) and it was nice to see that it ended half happily-ever-after.

It was bittersweet and beautiful.

All in all, it was an amazing story! :cute:
And you're such a talented writer!

Story/Review Game:

Before I start the actual review, I’d just like to say that this story was what prompted me to attempt at a “backwards” style, if you like...so thank you for that. I find it interesting, as it shows the effect but we don’t find out the cause until later. And I like that. I think it gives it more depth in a way.

And hot damn, I’ve told you this before but your beginnings are always captivating. I find that really important. There needs to be something to compel the reader to read on, and you always deliver. I love how the words flow together; just so....fluidly. Almost like water but in writing form. And I mean that as a compliment, that’s just what comes to mind. The adjectives and verbs you use are so vibrant and make the scene alive.

The insertion of lyrics works well too. I like that you don’t overload the story with lots of lines at a time. It makes them more important, and you’ve managed to interweave them in a way that fits in with the scenario too, which is a bonus.

Eyes like two ovals of abyss on that pale, passive palette of a face; eyes that were visible with the absence of the sunglasses that used to hide them; and eyes that brimmed and hurt with unseen smoke and far too long a silence. That was a beautiful and poetic way to describe the person. I mean, it’s not revealed who they are as of yet (though it’s clear they’re of importance to the story) but the description makes them seem beautiful and tragic.

And the lyrics are there again. They just work so well, saying everything that he doesn’t want to or can’t say.

A beat, and he waited for the other to begin his usual deep, stoic rumble, but it passed and still nothing came. I liked this. It shows that the two have history, that he knows the other well enough to know his voice. And it also shows that there is definitely something different, something’s happened for them to be as they are in the scene. The style really works with this story; because we can see where they are now, but not how they got there as of yet.

"Please." It shocked him, like a lethal strike of electricity that made perspiration emerge from his nape, cooled by the breath that was hovering so close; so close that his flesh was protesting from the proximity he had always been denied. "Kiba..." I feel that there’s a desperation there, and you can tell that they care for each other, from the other’s reluctance to let Kiba go. And the description is sensual, very much so, and it gives an indication that Kiba’s in two minds about the situation. Inner conflict.

He broke the hold again, and mustered courage from a thousand battles with a million opponents, this time not armed with blades or explosives or clan techniques, but the weak miasma blurring his vision and the words he wished would pierce as deeply as they had pained him. I think this may have been my favourite sentence in the entire piece. The contrast there is amazing. It’s just...wow. You get such a sense of how deeply they love each other, yet it’s not blatantly stated, which I like. To compare Kiba’s pain to something as extreme as battle is an amazing indication of their feelings.

The dialogue works well too. It comes across as very hesitant on Kiba’s part.

The drama should have been left to dwell in the awkward spaces of conversation that pervaded the atmosphere of team lunches; in the most careful of sparring matches where both refrained from grazing the other; in that disaster of a mission that they just couldn't put behind. I like that there’s reference to their occupation (?) here. It gives some backstory, but doesn’t really deal with their relationship directly.

They had lost too much, in slivers of mistrust and sadness, in mute lips and scornful glares, in all that they can never get back. This next sentence is beautiful but in a melancholic way. In one sentence you’ve managed to sum up the breakdown of a relationship. It’s amazing, but better than amazing ‘cause I can’t think up a more fitting word right now. XD

Even if he never got what he tried to be patient for, it was okay, it was okay, he should have known when to stop looking for something that had never been there anyway— Great use of repetition there. Even though it’s in third person, there’s still a sense of how Kiba’s thinking at that moment; the repetition of those three words makes it appear that he’s trying to reassure himself. He doesn’t truly believe that it’s okay.

I love that he sees Shino’s eyes and the atmosphere changes. It doesn’t feel as tense anymore. And the fact that they’re crying makes it all the more beautiful; they seem to be the type of people who don’t really cry all that much, because of them being warriors, I guess.

his senses burned were rendered useless for a moment, Is ‘burned’ supposed to be there? :think:

Shino's nose dug into his wet cheek, pushing up against his own. I just find that sweet. It seems like such an innocent gesture, just a gesture of care. The ending is done well; it shows that they’re not immediately going to be okay, but that they will be eventually. It’s a testament to how deep love can be.

I’ve never read anime fanfiction before, nor do I watch anime as you know, so it’s more like original fiction to me, but you did an amazing job with this. There was a great sense of love and pain throughout and the words flowed well together.