February 22nd, 2009 at 02:50am
Firstly I loved how it was in present tense. :cheese: I don't know why, it just made it even more effective, as if it weren't brilliant enough already.
The whole thing was so beautiful and detailed; I rarely really get into one shots that I read, and this was barely even that but the description was enough to keep me hooked. I was actually incredibly sad for them.
See what you do to me, Isa? Close to tears over a drabble with a manga picture in the background :hand: /irrelevant and unhelpful.He's choking, gaze soft and weary like a little lost child without a home, would've said something more if his mouth hadn't been pressed down to keep it all in.
I'm sitting there, almost annoyed even after four lines that if he loves her so much why won't he say something?!
And I think that very few writers could make people feel that after such a short amount of time. Also, I absolutley adored the way you repeated the line "would've said something more if" but in different variations.He's cupping her face with his hands, fingers calloused trembling and gentle, would've made up for the tears that weren't there and not wetting his palms. He's ghosting his thumbs under her eyes, smiles like a light house without the light, would've done it brighter if he'd smelled salt and loneliness from the cries she didn't make.
Okay, sorry I copied an entire paragraph, but I couldn't pick out any part. Immediatley I just thought What?! Why isn't she crying?! Why doesn't she looveee hiiiim? It was quite pathetic, really. And the phrase "smiles like a light house without the light" really struck me. You can see so clearly and so quickly how much he loves her, but she doesn't seem to reciprocate it at all and it's just heartbreaking to read. As if I haven't said it before, but I don't care, you're absolutley incredible. :file:
begets pricks of regret hurt and sadness in his feral grin
:think: I didn't know what to make of this. I loved the line, but then I thought that maybe there's a reason this girl doesn't love him, with the smile and the selfishness that he holds. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but that's what it seemed like to me.
would've turned back if he wasn't already ten steps away from her and eternities farther from her heart.
Just. :cheese: Wow. That might be one of my favourite lines from any story I've ever read on Mibba, in all honesty. It was just.. :cheese: Jesus, I suck at reviewing so much, I can never put anything into words. It just makes it even clearer how she holds no interest in him like he does to her. There are way too many cliche and generic words I could use to describe that line and it's effect but it would just be a waste of your time to read. >____<''.
would've gone after him if she possessed half of the care he had held her with.
And that part just proved everything that I thought. But it didn't make it any easier to deal with, Isa!
I was fine in the comfort of knowing that I had been right, until you went and flipped it over.the girl who let her life slip by and the boy who was brave enough to give her up when she slipped through him as well, would've proven him wrong if she thought herself good enough to deserve him.
And then that was a huge :omfg: Whaaaaaaaat? moment. So she does love him, she just doesn't think she's worthy?
Dya think it's nice to do that, just.. make us think one thing and then totally change it in one line? 
I think as you can see, overall, it was heartbreakingly beautiful and tragic and all of this other emo nonsense. [:tehe:] But that's really what I got from it and I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry I've just quoted and spouted complete and utter nonsense about how it made me feel, but I'm awful at reviewing. Nevertheless I felt this deserved something, because you truly are an indescribable writer and you deserve all of the comments and praise in the world.
I don't normally like drabbles. For some reason I just won't read or write them without a good cause, because they just boring. But I'll make an exception for you because I don't like reading random chapters of stories without the previous chapters or unless it's a story I intend on continuing...and I don't feel like getting involved because I have subscriptions to about 20 stories right now. :tehe: But enough of my babbling. Drabble is close enough to a oneshot for me to like.
Onto the review!
First thing I notice is that it's rather short, even with a small font and random spaces for lyrics. Nonetheless, it's probably very powerful in so few words. Right away I like the first words, He's crying as he says it, a lot for some reason. Possibly because I like making male characters cry and have a moment of weakness. Male vulndurability is a plus. The first sentence doesn't really flow to me. It seems to be sort of run-on. He's crying as he says it, thin shining streams tracing a path on his cheeks, would've smeared the marks there had they not been inked into his skin. I think it's sort of too long, probably should have been broken up after 'cheeks' and started 'would've' on a new sentence. The next line also is something I like a lot. I like the simile of him being like a little lost child without a home, that shows wonderful visual emotion and I can sort of imagine his appearance, whoever he is.
So I'm following the lyrics, and I'll admit I read them through before I started the paragraphs. So it's a love song, yeah? One of those breakup ones, kinda? Well yeah, that's what I get. Something like that. Anyway, I'm seeing a pattern with the sentences. I get that that's what you were going for, but...meh. I don't like it. Still seems too run-on-y for me. In the next paragraph I like the word 'ghosting'. It just shows how gentle and light it is, possibly cool in feeling, and since the story is one of those sad love ones kindasorta, it also seems to give me another meaning like how a ghost is someone who's gone. So double meaning, yes? Maybe. And again I like the metaphor of the lighthouse. It's very pretty, in an isolated, lone kind of way.
Next paragraph (since I like to write these things with my Notepad open and go paragraph by paragraph), the line He's loving her something really awful made me go :cheese: because I just love it, for some reason. I think it's the word 'awful' in it, it's a cross of playful and if just gives it that feeling, y'know? I can't explain it, but I think you'll understand me. It's like...like one of those lovely oxymorons. I like how the next song lyric after this goes along with the last line of the paragraph. would've never told her if he was a slight more selfish than he was./'I love you.' Like that that's what he told her, right? Yeah, you get me. :hand: I needn't explain myself further.
Ahh, you remember what I mentioned about 'ghosting' and 'awful'? Well I like 'withering' too. It's just a very powerful word that radiates fragility and weakness but a needing to keep going, almost. I like, yet again, the metaphor of him sacrificing like a hero, because that's basically the standard of a stereotypical hero who sacrifices himself. Yeah sortakinda. You get it. And the last line of the paragraph (part of it anyway), would've turned back if he wasn't already ten steps away from her and eternities farther from her heart. was just looooooooooovely. The fact that he's mere steps away but eternities away from her heart, that's heartbreaking and very emotional. Lovely.
Ahh and the last paragraph, at long last. At this point I'm not disliking the run-ons as much, I'm sort of used to them and seeing how they work now. I like would've gone after him if she possessed half of the care he had held her with. a lot, for some reason. It shows that she doesn't love him as much as he loves her, that she means more to him than he to her; an unbalance in the relationship. I'm digging how she knows he's better than her. The last line about how she doesn't think she's good enough to deserve him is beautiful. Slight inferiority complex, perhaps? Meh, I'm looking into it too much. But you get my point. The unbalance.
Once again, fabulous story and wonderfully executed.