Heartbeat - Comments

“I’m going to die younger than I’d like, sure.” Brendon turned to look at him. “But I’m not going to spend my life dying. It’s a waste. I’ll take what I can get.”

“You’re so brave.”

“Not really.” Brendon grinned. “Just stubborn.”

I love the, I quote, "Just stubborn." part :3

this is so tragically beautiful.
and really well-written.

Damn i love this. Its sad but so good
I want an update please.

I like this very much and I'm looking foreward to how far it'll end up. :] Maybe (Hopefully) it'll be as amazing as To The Bones.

I think I like the dialogue the most. You have realism with the characters and how they interact with characters down. I love how well you know your characters.

And this is probably the first story I've ever read that involves a heart condition and I have to say that it's making a great impression on me. :] Subscribed. <33

woooooooooooooooh cant wait for more......
it was really sad BREN CANT DIE :"(

I love the way you write so simply, without much description, but it really pays off. I haven't read much of your work, but what I have read is superb, and I'm pretty sure everyone else who has commented thinks so as well.
Keep it up definitely, and please, if it isn't too much to ask, try to think about updating some of your other stories!

i love it. very good plot and it's well written!
cant wait o find out what happens.

Oh.
That caught me quite off-guard, from the summary onwards. I knew what I was reading straight away and it was blunt, it was very blunt, and I like that. Description bores me and I generally skip it unless I'm looking to pick it out, and this was blunt and I liked it.

I like Brendon's character. He's my favourite. I normally - and I don't really like comparing stories to other stories, but I feel like I need to - prefer Ryan's character but here... Brendon was so much easier to empathise with and like I guess. Ryan... I found Ryan slightly annoying. I don't know why; he wasn't annoying to the point of me stopping reading, but he just seems a bit sooky - especially because Brendon's the one who is going to die. But I suppose Brendon's had more time to adjust to the idea. I can't quite put my finger on why I didn't like Ryan... maybe because he seems fragile and so so easily broken, whereas I feel like Brendon should be the fragile one because he's going to die.

Anyway, Brendon. I love this character, he's so light-hearted. I doubt you've heard of them, but there's a band from Brisbane called The Grates, and they're one of my favourite bands. And they play fun music, music you can dance to and enjoy - and they have relatable lyrics but mostly I like them because they're fun. (I don't know if you'd like the band or not but I do and I'm trying to make my point. :XD) And I think what I feel about them is something like what I feel about Brendon. He's just a good bloke. I get the sense that he's a good bloke, like he's one of my friends, like he's my next-door neighbour, like he's whoever. He doesn't seem extraordinary or particularly amazing, you know, just like any other kid. Kind of like one of my best mates. He's just normal. But he's dying, so obviously he's not normal.

But he feels normal. And maybe that's what makes this so sad - he doesn't feel like a martyr, he feels like a kid who was born with a heart disease and feels like he has to make the best of his life while he still has it.

I didn't really intend to mention this in this review because it seemed insignificant but I was born with a heart condition and while I'm not going to die, I feel like I can relate to Brendon. He could be me. He could be my best mate. He could be some kid in my maths class. I guess I love him because he's just so relatable.

I have a feeling none of this makes sense, and it's not really about the writing or anything, but...
It just pulls at my heartstrings in a good kind of way. Brendon's personality is a strong point is basically what I said, if it makes more sense now. :XD

Urgh this comment is pathetic. :lmfao
I really do apologise.

I already mentioned how I 'predicted' this was gonna have a huge impact on me since this disease actually plagues two important people in my life. They've both had holes in their heart when they were born ("blue babies") and every so often they collapse from the blood flow capsizing, and they could die any moment soon. I mean, we're all dying, but you as you put quite bluntly, they didn't even have the option of living longer.

“You know,” Brendon had said to Ryan once, “we’re all dying, really. The minute we’re born, we’re dying. I’m just doing it faster than you.”

It was a great opener, in a way that it captures the reader's attention, and it reveals a little bit about the story. For some who have encountered heart disease it may be a good peek into what the story was about, and for the others who don't, it intrigues them more.

And I don't know if you'll find this a good thing, but I started reading them as original characters halfway through. Maybe I just couldn't see the two of them saying all these things, or I wanted to give it some kind of namelessness like most people in reality, to show that it really does happen, and not just in fiction, and that it torments more people than we'd like to think.

That was the day Ryan found out Brendon was dying.

I didn't particularly like the use of 'dying' in that line, primarily because the word was repeated through out the entire fic. Maybe you were using it for emphasis, but I kind of would have wanted more variety.

“It’s just my heart.” Brendon said dismissively. “It happens. Can you bring me McDonalds?”

I adore this line, simply because it's so true. One of the people in RL that I mentioned, she's this tiny girl and she drinks, smokes, does pot sometimes, and a lot of people say she's killing herself, to top it with her heart-hole. But she doesn't care, says she wants to live and not waste what's left of her worrying to bits. My ex, before, right after he'd miss school to go to the doctor or because he had an attack again, he'd play fucking basketball and wear himself out. Then he'd fall down on the floor in the middle of a game, and we'd run to him and half-help him up and half-yell at him for his stupidity, like he had a death wish. He'd just shrug a bit, and smirk a little, and shrug it all off. It drove us all crazy, me especially, so I understood the paranoia of Ryan and his parents in this fic. Even though I knew why he was doing it, that didn't really do anything to quell my emotions.

And the plainless of how Bden said that McDonalds line, like, the dismissiveness of it all, it's just so true to reality (you have a gift with dialogue) that what you said about writing before, that you don't need to really go through it, and just know the emotions... I dunno if you know someone like this, but you do know how the heart works, and that proved to be enough.

She pointed then lowered her head once more.

I liked this line, for some reason. You didn't really explain the action and it seemed purposeless, but even if you intended it or not, it once again showed some ounce of reality to the bleakness of it all (even the layout). It may have some meaning to hold for the story, and it may not, but in RL, it happens that people do lots of things we don't know the significance of.

Ryan’s feet felt heavy on the hard floor. Nobody paid attention to him walking through the halls; he may as well have been a ghost.

Hmm, I think the 'Ryan's feet felt heavy on the floor' thing didn't work as a kind of open-ended sentence. Because you just mentioned how heavy he felt, then followed it up with how he was a ghost, kind of contradictory. Maybe something like 'hard floor, though he knew it was just him.'

“I think hospital food is made to kill you faster.” he said between bites. “Which doesn’t make sense because they make more money off of you if you’re alive, but maybe they’re just sick of seeing me here.”

I really like this Bden character here. He's so blunt and so aggravatingly cheerful I know what makes them wanna strangle him, and what makes them wanna strangle him in the first place. It's like, you know how he ticks, and at the same time you don't, and that just does eons for the depth of a character.

“The heart already attacked, Mom.”

And this showed, for all intents and purposeness, that despite his heightened outlook on life, that he was just a teenager. It reminded readers (or at least reminded me) that he was just another teen living under the roof of his parents, subject to their words, but not without the occasional sarcastic quip. A good yet subtle blast of reality, once again.

“I didn’t. It’s nasty. You try eating it.” The boy looked at Ryan, rolling his eyes. ‘Save me.’ he mouthed.

“This isn’t funny, Brendon.” his mother said, voice trembling. “You have to take care of yourself. You won’t live to see twenty-five if you keep this up.”

I love how after his mockery of 'save me' you showed his mom, trembling and anxious and serious, in direct contrast. You do a lot of these subtle details, I noticed. Not really saying anything bluntly about the situation, and instead showing them in these indirect manners, detailing them to the core.

“We’re all dying. We all die. The second you’re born it’s a guarantee that you’re going to croak.”

The 'croak' was so undeniably misplaced in the poetry of this fic, but at the same time, it worked too. These little doses of reality tell us we might as well be dealing with a real person, not just someone who lives through words on a screen.

Just enough to kiss the boy he loved (who was not so conveniently dying) before he went home and tried to study for his algebra test.

Another one of those doses. You remind us that here, Ryan, who's just a boy, really, now facing a life of tragedy in loving someone with an expiration date. Stupid algeb test.

Ryan didn’t say anything. There was a choice, but at the same time there really wasn’t. Either way he got hurt. And only one way did he get what he want. His leaving wouldn’t change the reason Brendon was in the hospital bed. “I’m not going anywhere.” Ryan said, voice shaking slightly as he leaned in to brush his lips against Brendon’s.

I know he said how brave Brendon was at the end, but he is himself too. Bravery is in staying and holding your ground, even when everything falls apart.

“I’m going to die younger than I’d like, sure.” Brendon turned to look at him. “But I’m not going to spend my life dying. It’s a waste. I’ll take what I can get.”

“You’re so brave.”

“Not really.” Brendon grinned. “Just stubborn.”

This summed up their characters, and the fic, for me. I really really like the development of Bden's character, and how it shines through in the worst most heartrending moments.

When I saw this was gonna be continued I was in two minds. It would have worked as a oneshot, but at the same time I wanna see where you'd go with this, where you'd take their characters. You won't be the first to write a heart disease story (me and Marlee have our own, too) and you won't be the last, but I doubt anyone would handle it with half the fragility and care that you would.

Def. one of my favorite stories at the moment.

I will be reviewing as I go :cute:

STORY/REVIEW GAME.

I really liked the opening to the first chapter—it was a brilliant way to start and open up a chapter; it obviously, to me anyways, captivates the reader more :cute:. I am reading to the point where you said that’s when Ryan knew Brendon was dying—now that really baffles me, and makes me want to read more to understand.

I read on, and notice that Brendon’s attitude is pretty gleeful, and hyper even for his sickness that he’s in. And he wants McDonalds—that place has become famous :tehe: Now after the part where Ryan caves, and asks what hospital—you jump right into the next paragraph with him being at the hospital. I don’t know… but maybe you could at least skip two more extra lines or insert some star or something to let the reader know there was a time skip.

I always thought that if you weren’t family, or blood-related, the hospitals wouldn’t allow you to visit the patient. Eh, maybe it’s changed since I’ve last been there—or my hospital is fucked up :cute:. But your older then me as well… so you might know more.

“Ry!” Brendon cried, loudly enough o make the woman in the room jump and set her jaw before continuing to scribble numbers down.

I know you may have proofread, but I’m sure that one ‘O’ was supposed to be ‘to’ or ‘of’ or something. Just needed to point that out :cute:.

“I think hospital food is made to kill you faster.” he said between bites. “Which doesn’t make sense because they make more money off of you if you’re alive, but maybe they’re just sick of seeing me here.”

That made me laugh :cute: I can just imagine him or someone else just saying that about hospital food—my dad said it once, but he said it differently and I was young and didn’t understand :tehe:. But that humors me a little.

“The heart already attacked, Mom.” Brendon said dryly. “I’m good for another month. And I’m fucking hungry.”

You make his character obnicious and funny :cute: that line made me smile for some reason—like he reversed his mum’s word. He’s a smart ass.

Ryan nodded, kicking his shoes off and climbing into the bed, pulling the blanket up.

Aren’t there IV lines hooked up to Brendon’s body—making it nearly impossible for another person to get in bed with him unless they want to rip the needles from his skin while in the process. I don’t know… like I said before, I haven’t been to a hospital in a while… so… correct me if I’m wrong.

I really liked the ending—like it should’ve been continued, but… you just created a cliffhanger. I really liked that :cute: I was compelled to read more—if there were more. Anyways, this was really well written, and I appauld you for writing this :cute:.

I absolutely loved it.
Please write more soon.

OH! That was depressing ... but well written!

New story.
Chaptered, wip.
Hopefully completed in four weeks or so.
Ryden.
Brendon has a heart condition.

Happy reading.

xoxox
-Dru