Last Summer. - Comments

I love this story! xx

I really love this story!
You can write really good stories!
Can't wait till the next update.

Story Review game

my foot barely touched the first step of a series that led to the confides of my bedroom.

For some reason I loved how you compared a bedroom to some sort of confinement. It's different from what as other's view it to be. Like a prison or something like that.

We spent majority of the time looking at the clouds, trying to work out what shapes they formed and what they resembled

For some reason when I read this line I felt a bit nostolgic towards childhood since staring at the clouds seem to be a childhood past time of a lot of people.

Barely ten minutes later, I was sat at the table with my parents and younger siblings who dived at their food like a lion would its prey as if they hadn’t had a decent meal in weeks

Again love your use of figurative language gives the reader a sense of imagery. And this story seem somewhat poetic.

I swear to god, they enjoy embarrassing me.

This line made me giggle.

Once again I love how the narrator uses their own dialogue to speak like in the novel Catcher in the Rye. And keep up the good work my friend!

“Siblings, eh?” A blonde haired guy from in front said as he turned around to face me. His eyes were almost as blue as the clear sea I’d previously been staring at moments before, and a few dark blonde strands of his hair fell into them. His hair fell just below his ears and above his shoulders, his fringe had a striking block of black hair running through it. He couldn’t have been any older than 18, and his smile was just adorable, and made me forget about the move away from London, and my sisters nagging.

I like the way you described him. I can actually see him in my imagination.
I also love your writing style. It's clear and I can understand very well.

Story/Review Game
Before I even start reading this, I just want you to know that you’re one of my favorite authors on Mibba. I’ll review as I go.

Chapter One.
You drew me in and captivated within the first 200 words. I was so interested in the description, and how well Ava seemed to be a well-developed character. Her views are just lovely, like her idea about faults—she’s levelheaded and logical.

The way they meet, I wish that would happen to me. Everything about this story is so realistic. He’s such a gentleman!

Chapter Two.
I love how you describe everything. You don’t have to elaborate because you paint such a exquisite picture with the ones you use.

The hard on part made me giggle. It was so freaking cute. I like humor in stories.

Ah. The ‘she’s not my girlfriend!’ card is a classic. My family pesters me about it all the time. His family reminds me so much of my own that it’s scary. Poor guy. I wonder what Ava would think if she heard that conversation.

I love Pacman. It’s the best game in the world. I think it’s awesome when girls are good at videogames.

Chapter Three.
I love this chapter. I couldn’t stop reading it until Ava went to her bedroom which plays out that she’s a child at heart with the Pooh sheets. Iowa? YES. I love that CD more than any of their others.

I feel sorry for Ava. I see why she would miss her old life, but I have a hunch that the new one will be much improved.

‘A face like a smacked arse’ really describes a lot of people that work at McDonalds, especially the mean ones that probably spit in your food…

Ava’s got her faults and isn’t always outgoing, which is refreshing. Most characters are either one extreme or another.

Chapter Four.
James is so impatient, it’s cute. I’m falling for this boy. Really.

This story is so lifelike. I can’t wait to see how James and Ava grow as a couple. I can see that it’s going to be an amazing transformation.

That was one hell of an introduction to James’ friends.

I’m subscribing right now.

Edited review:

This story is great. I love how you used Ava's langauge to describe the scenery, people places etc like this line:

Within a mile radius, I was the only one in a dark band t-shirt and a pair of jeans that weren’t cut off above the knees. Sorry Southend-On-Sea, but I don’t do shorts.

It reminds me alot of how JD Salangier (Sorry I cannot spell) used language in the way "Holden Caufield" would speak if he were to describe the story, which is the best if you use an "I" POV because you go more into the characters brain.

It was an unusual contrast from England’s capital - The busy skylines, the congested traffic and herds of people every direction you looked. I had lived there for almost seventeen years, it was my home. My mother had decided to move myself, and my younger sister near the sea to allow us to ‘get some fresh air, instead of the polluted environment which is London.’

I love your description of scenery. Which seems to be very strong in this writing. The way you describe London gives a narative and figurative imagry and somewhat of a realistic picture of the area (as someone who often is in New york city you have a great description of city life.

Overall I love the way this story is going so far keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more (I hope this is a better comment).

I like it I love the Catcher in the Ryesque Dialogue and using that form of imagary. What I especially love (and this is my pet peeve unless someone is interrupting someone) is that you put detail between dialogue. So I applaud you and I hope to read more later when I am not going to a shiva call!

Story Review Game

Everyone seems to have done chapter's 1, 2 and 3 so I'll do chapter 4 :) :) Hope that's okay, so here goes.

Firstly, this is the first James Bourne fic I've ever seen, and I loved him in Busted :tehe: so for this that's win number 1 :cute:

I love how much of a typical guy you've made James, what with eating really fast and always having to wait for the girl and inwardly complaining about it. What I thought was missing in this first paragraph was some more description of the surroundings, but not too heavy, you know? I realise you put some in a later paragraph, but I think it best belongs in the first paragraph. That might be just me and the way I write though :)

I loved this: “How can you be hungry after the half a cow you just savaged on?” I don't know why, Ava seems like a pretty funny character. I like her already.

In your description of McDonalds when James talked about the interior designer having a mental breakdown, that was pretty funny. And Observant. He's definately right...anyway :)

I love the banter that goes on between Ava and James, it shows that even though she's telling him off, they're friendly enough to let it pass. I like that.

:rofl: “My mum wanted me to be a girl, so she’s used to the disappointment.” I told her, causing her to laugh, “In the earliest baby photos of me, I’m wearing pink. So not my colour.” This was great, how do you come up with this comedy stuff? I love it.

Reading on, this is so witty! Everything James says pretty much is witty. I love that. I don't know how you come up with it.

I muttered under my breath, before catching Matt looking Ava up and down, a smirk playing on his lips. Uh oh...I smell a rat. I liked that you didn't just blatently say 'I looked at Matt. I thought he fancied Ava. I got mad.' sort of thing because I've seen that a lot on here. This is different. It's subtle

“Uh yeah, that was the plan.” I said, and Matt turned on his heels, and started walking back in the direction he appeared from. He didn't say goodbye or wave? It just seemed a bit sudden that he just walked away.

I think that you need a better ending on this too, because it all seems to end a little too sudden. Like maybe more of a cliffhanger to keep people waiting for the next chapter?

But for a filler, this was pretty good. Well, actually I don't think it was a filler, I thought it portrayed Ava and James' developing friendship really nicely. I liked this :)

Haven't been on mibba in a while and just caught up on this and I really like it.

I've been meaning to comment on this again for ages!
Very pleased to see Matt's made an appearance. (;
I look forward to the next chapter. (:

REVIEW:

Chapter One:
Mm, a small error in the tense of the word, "She had inherited my mothers impatience, and worry about the simplest things which always stressed me out"
It should be worried about... considering where the word is in the sentence :cute:

There's an accidental spacing here, "ice -cream."

At the end of chapter one, you're either missing the word loud or maybe you should get rid of the word out here, "I told him, which made him laugh out again."

My favorite line was when they first met, "“Tell me about it,” I said, finding myself giggling at the situation, and his smile stretched across his face even more at the laugh. “I’m Ava.” I introduced myself, a calm ease running through my bloodstream as he smiled at me."

Overall, I really did enjoy reading this. I liked her point of view, and the imagery you used helped place everything in my mind.

Hope you continue writing it ;)

Story Review Game --- again.

I already read the first two, so I'm going on with chapter three. :cute:

What I thought was funny was that both families are giving the kids crap about their friend ship with the whole sibling teasing and then the parents getting all mushy about it. It's kind of cool how the two sides... whats the word? I want to say parallel, but I could be wrong. You get what I mean though, right?

“Mommy, what are we having for tea?” Now, this may only be because I'm american, but I love this line. It's just the idea of having tea. The whole set up and everything. I think it's because I'm American though. We don't do tea over here...

Note: I love Slipknot, and I love Iowa. Major points there. :file:

Shit. I feel like a dunce. -headsmack- I didn't realize that the two chapters were both leading up the the part at the arcade. I just think its hilarious that I didn't notice that. I actually thought I was reading the wrong chapter for a moment, but I wasn't.

Anyways, what i forgot to mention was that I liked that part where you briefly mentioned her missing London while she was looking at the photos. I hate moving and leaving things behind and it sucks when you lose contact with old friends and things. Sucks... it was nice how you put in that she missed home though.

The last thing I'll say is that I like how easy and carefree their relationship is. They seem like quick friends and although Ava is a little cautious of herself (eating her food like a "lady" i'm pretty sure she can shove a few nuggets into her mouth) I think they have a nice chemistry. I'm begining to think that this story is really growing on me and I think that it's going to turn out really well.

P.S. sorry if this is a little short. if you want something more, let me know and I'll add some more to it.

I loved the opening paragraph. It was very descriptive, but not too much so. Some people go complete overboard and it's too much to take in, but this was very well done.

As I stood in the line for the one ice-cream truck across the sea front, with my sister Ashlee jumping around ecstatically at my feet, saying something about going swimming with the mermaids after eating the ice-cream. -- I don't know what it was about this line, but it didn't seem to flow well. Maybe if it was 'across the sea front, my sister Ashlee was jumping'? I don't know, but that way it just sounds better to me.

Within a mile radius, I was the only one in a dark band t-shirt and a pair of jeans that weren’t cut off above the knees. Sorry Southend-On-Sea, but I don’t do shorts. -- I loved this bit, it made me laugh, especially the bit about the sorry southend. It's always good to have some humour.

at the blue sea, which was too blue for my liking. -- I think maybe the word blue used twice so close together detracts from the sentence, which would have originally been really good. But, thats just my opinion.

It made me think that he wasn’t like 99.9 percent of the population here. The only slightly worrying thing was that his socks were pulled up halfway up his legs, as if to show off how pearly white they were from one too many Daz washes. -- Again, this made me laugh, good job. :tehe:
he was sick of the tourists taking up the beach, and the water whilst they tried to surf, and failed. -- I liked this, as it helps show what he is like, and what the beach looks like. :)
I loved the parts where they were joking about the mermaids. It refers back to what Ashlee was babbling about earlier, and it seemed such a cute thing for him to say. Also, the dialogue was very realistic, and not too staged. I hate it when it's like that

Also the ending of the chapter was good too, and I liked the way it was written.

I read the first two chapters.

Chapter One:
-I liked the begining a lot, actually. The narrator's point of view was very relatable for me. The place she used to live in reminded me a lot of Los Angeles actually. The busy streets and all were very remeniscent of my home. :cute:

- Sorry Southend-On-Sea, but I don’t do shorts. That has to be my favorite line in the first chapter. Dear God, I laughed out loud at that. I think it was because she was thinking it, but never said it out loud? I liked that she decided to stick to her guns though.

-Ava seems pleasantly pessemistoc, which I like about her. She's very... strong minded, I think would be the word and she doesn't seem to care about what other people think about her. The one thing that worries me is that she reminds me a lot of the sterotypical characters you would see in stories. The band T-Shirts, the refusal to wear the shorts, and so on and so forth. It is very early on in the story though and she might not be what you would call a "Mary-Sue." It just worries me that she seems so steroypical at the moment.

-James seems like a nice guy. He seems pretty cute too, now that i think about it. I don't have much to say about him though, because I don't really know to much just yet. I just know that I like him so far.

The only problem I have so far is that the two main character's are reminding me of many characters I have seen before. Other than that I think it was a great start to a new story. it gave significant background and didn't get boring at all.

Chapter Two:
-Jame's mother seems like a sweetie. She reminds me of one of those nosey mother's who want to know everything about your life (a little like mine. :file:) she made me crack a smile or two.

-the part about the hard-on, made me laugh too. It didn't seem like forced humor that someone would put into their stories just to make it funny.

-The siblings seem rather annoying, although i guess most siblings are like that. It's funny the way you mention them though. it's not the kind of humorous funny like a joke or anything, it's just hilarious to me how much they remind me of my own. They're almost obnoxious, which I like.

-I'm really scared now. Ava is almost turning into a mary-sue for me. she's just so... not un-original because she has her original bits to her. i think it's just her appearance. I've read so many stories with girls that look just like her. I still enjoy her character and all, its just that she just doesn't seem to be her own person all the way. (it was the part where James sees her in the arcade that made me come to that conclusion.)

Overall I thought this was pretty good. The charcters are cool and all other than the thing I mentioned earlier. i think this has a lot of potential to be a good story though, so good luck with that. I liked this.

I read the first chapter so far, and I really like it. I don't know how to explain it, but it wasn't those big words that are just unnecessary, but...it was like...a big description. If that makes sense, cause it doesn't really to me. But it painted a picture in my mind.

And I promise, considering this is a horrible review, that after I read the next three chapters I'll redo this whole thing. But my mom's yelling at me now that I have to go eat dinner.

Edit:

Okay, I love that it switches point of views. I normally don't like that. And when I do, it annoys me the way people set it up. It's every other chapter, and you don't need to put the whole "Ava's POV" or "James' POV."

It makes it less annoying, and the story all the more better.

“Oh, are you the James I just beat on the high score?”

I absolutely adored that part. It shows that something is going to happen between Ava and James. But I won't jump to conclusions about what will...

All in all, I like it. You've great structure for the story, and a very descriptive style of writing.

I really liked this! I've been meaning to read it for a while, don't know why I didn't sooner! It's amazing.
Anyway...

I loved the opening, it was intriguing and really brought us into the story straightaway, I thought it was very good. I really loved the line It was certainly no London, the smell of sea salt lingered in the air followed by the screams and splashes from the beach beside me. It really bought the contrast between the two places.

I liked Ava's characterizations, I think you really managed to capture her just right.

Sorry Southend-On-Sea, but I don’t do shorts.

This line really stood out to me, it was funny and it just worked. I'm not really sure why I liked it so much, but I did.

To them, everything had to be perfect, whereas I acknowledged the fact that everything has its faults, and you can‘t help that.

This line really works well, and I can relate to it a lot. I think it's a nice contrast between the two ideas, the idea of seeing the world through rose tinted glasses, so to speak and the idea that nothing is perfect.

“Ashlee, chillax. The line is going nowhere.”

That line was so relaxed and easy to relate to. I like that about your story, 'cause everything about it you can relate to, the characters and the contrasts of two different places. It's something that really stands out to me in your work.

I lovelovelove how you introduced James, it was casual and just so likely to happen (although not usually with James, as much as I'm sure we all wish it was! :tehe: ). He was so casual, and I think you really captured how James' really is. I could really imagine him doing that in real life. I also liked how you can relate to having to look after siblings and them being a pain in the ass!

“I insist, you guys are new here after all. Least I can do is buy you an ice -cream. So what to you want?” We began to bicker over whether I should allow him to buy us an ice-cream or not, yet we were interrupted by the guy working in the ice-cream stall coughing informing us that there was a huge queue growing behind us that I caved in, and allowed him to buy the ice-creams that he seemed eager to purchase on our behalf.

I loved this. I could imagine them bickering over an ice cream, and I could just picture the ice cream man getting really frustrated along with the rest of the queue. :tehe:

Another thing I love is the little suggestions of a next time happening, like “Next time I’m buying.” and the ending. I also loved 'God's Waiting Room' the whole idea is funny and I just liked it. The ending was perfect and it was really good and cute, I'm definitely going to read the rest! Well done! :cute:

P.S sorry it took me so long to post the review! I'll definitely comment on the rest of the chapters at one point. :arms:

Tbh, when busted were going strong, I was convinced I’d have James Bourne’s babies, and I was like… 10? :lmfao
Which obviously says a lot about me…

I’ll only do chapter one, because my hand hurts, this review will probably be spelt really weirdly btw, since I sat on my hand, and I honestly believe I’ve broken it :XD
-
Chapter 1

Southend-On-Sea was going to take a lot of adjusting to. I loved the first line, it was so prominent and set up the rest of the story really well. It was intriguing as well, I’ve never been to southend-on-sea, nor do I know where it is :tehe: So yeah, I liked it.

I loved how straight away you established the contrst between london and the setting, you also wrote it gorgeously, I felt as if I was really there and it really appealed to the senses.
It was certainly no London, the smell of sea salt lingered in the air followed by the screams and splashes from the beach beside me. I love lines like that. Anyone can relate to that idea of the beach and draw on their own memories of beachy times ;;P So now I can taste fish and chips :weird

Back in London, no-one would’ve took a second glance at me as they walked past me, but in Essex that was a different situation overall. This line established a difference between London girls and Essex girls BUUUT, I liked how it didn’t create a mary-sue character, which is good. I mean you didn’t say like, “I’m different because I’m like this ‘blahblah’” and you didn’t overly focus on her clothing which was subtle, so I can now imagine her, and not be completely annoyed by her. Which is what I usually am by original female characters, since its very rare a writer writes them well enough. You wrote her amazingly, so well done :tehe:

Sorry Southend-On-Sea, but I don’t do shorts. I love that, it’s oddly reminiscent of The Catcher in the Rye, in the way Holden narrates the story in a very personal way and I liked it. It made the story seem different and more interesting. And easier to draw comparisons/sympathy with the character and the reader… if you know what I mean? I know…

“Ava!” Ashlee pulled on my iPod headphones, causing them to fall out of my ears, “Ava, the line!” I looked up from my sister, to the line, which had moved about 2 inches at the most, and it really wasn’t worth the exercise to move. She had inherited my mothers impatience, and worry about the simplest things which always stressed me out. To them, everything had to be perfect, whereas I acknowledged the fact that everything has its faults, and you can‘t help that. I liked that, it had a really well thought out back story and it was probably my favourite part. The only think I dislike is her name ‘Ava’. I like the name but in my head I pronounce it as AAAAYYYY-VEEEE-AYYYY. Seriously, it’s hilarious… in my head. Not that any of that was important to your story at all. Sorry :tehe:

I LOVE how you introduced James. It was so cool and calm and not prima donna-ish. I hate it when writers (and I am guilty of this) introduce love interests as ‘perfect’ and ‘beautiful’, it’s too Twilight-ish :XD. This is more realistic. I can basically picture it.

The only slightly worrying thing was that his socks were pulled up halfway up his legs, as if to show off how pearly white they were from one too many Daz washes. I love that part. Mad love to Daz <3 Haha, it was great and again, easy for readers – well British ones – to relate to.

I really like how you wrote about an occurrence that is really common (I keep saying how easy this story is to relate to, which is probably one of my favourite things). I mean, everyone’s been in a queue, chatting to a fit bloke and then had them buy you a drink or something. It’s cute, and quite probable. <3

I also enjoyed how you laced the contrast between London and Southend-on-sea again in the story: It was crowded, but completely different to the crowds in London. I also love your detail in descriptions. I mean, it’s quite hard to write descriptively about everyday things and normally it’s just easier stating the objects instead of focussing in on them, so I highly commend you for that. You painted a really nice picture of the beach – I just realised this is the ideal summer story

You also did a bit more Holden Caulfeild-esque description, you know? Adding in little opinions and stuff. I really love the little nuggets of gold you sew into this story. I loved the Little Mermaid reference too, and the mermaid thing reminded me of the Lonely Island (I FUCKED A MERMAAAAID:tehe::XD).

I swear to god, that village up north was God’s Waiting Room. I shouldn’t laugh, but I love that, God’s Waiting Room always makes me laugh, aww, bless. I think the way you make this so unashamedly British is my main attraction to this story. I love it. It’s so real and consistent.

He laid down beside me, and looking directly into my eyes he replied, “I wouldn’t be too sure.” and then looked back into the sky. I love this, it was sorta like, a very very very subtle, “Hai hai, we’re gonna be in loooove.” But it wasn’t too obvious, it was just cute.
And the imagery fit, it wasn’t too out there or descriptive, it was a very refined beauty, to be honest.

I think I love this a lot, it’s very very prettily written and you put it together with some really nice bits that really stand out for me. And I didn’t find any spelling/grammar mistakes so I’m a very happy bunny!
:arms:
Good job!

I love that you updated this. And the witty banter really does work amazingly well ^^ :cute:

I have no idea what to comment because I'm in such a foul mood at the moment. I'm sorry Vee. I shall comment this better later. Just know thta i love it

I love this, so much. I think I squealed when I got the email telling me it had been updated! :tehe:
I love how you pull off the witty banter, it's really amazing!

I seriously love it Vee, I've read it over so many times. And I really love it. Especially my Matt (: I'm so glad you brought him in.
It really is awesome, don't ever give up on this even if you consider it (: Please please update when you can, I'm falling in love with it.
xxx