May 19th, 2009 at 12:40am
Story/Review Game.
This is a good fantasy story. Keep that in mind. It's good, I'm serious. It's readable, it's imaginative, it's all you could want in a fantasy tale. I just happen to be a miserable bastard when it comes to critiquing, 'kay? :cute:
I'm reading the first chapter and reviewing it as I go. I'm going to read the rest, don't worry, I just can't be assed reviewing every single tiny bit of it. I hope that's all right, haha.
Concrit.
-Characterisation: I can see that you've given your story a lot of thought, and therefore, you've probably thought about your characters a lot, too. If you're coming up with these great fancy long chapters, you obviously care about them. The problem is, upon reading the first chapter, I'm trying very hard, but I'm not caring about your characters. I don't mean to sound brutal. Like I said, it's a good fantasy tale. But it's not too different from a lot of fantasy stories. It's all plot, it's bursting with lively imaginative details and crazy similes, but precious little characterisation. I mean, just from the first chapter, how many defining features of your protagonist can I find?
You got launched into the scene straightaway without beating around the bush, which is all very well, but because I didn't care for your protagonist, I wasn't riveted.
Nice Things.
-Style: your style is decent in that you don't overwrite much. You're not economical with words, but you don't feel the need to use a million adverbs. Which is nice. There are a few places where your expression could be improved. I suggest reading your work aloud so that you can hear what the words actually sound like together.
Well done, in general. Very good work. I know it doesn't sound like I mean that, because I'm a nitpicker, but I am sincerely enjoying it as yet. Those were just suggestions, honest. :cute:
Peace love empathy
xo.
My only complaint being that two characters talk in the same paragragh. It gets confusing after a while. New speaker, new paragraph.