Firstly, profuse apologies for leaving this so late. Right now I have a lull in schoolwork, and I was reminded to review my prize winners when I was randomly reading your oneshot about Ryan being blind and wanted to review it so bad… then realised I should probably do this one first. :XD
The first thing that struck me about this was your choice of disease, if you can call spinal muscle atrophy a disease. I think it’d be classed more as a disorder, but I digress – that doesn’t matter. x] I admire your choosing of something out of the ordinary – it could have been so easy to write about cancer or another affliction a person dies from, but the paralysis you wrote about gave your piece another edge to it. I also absolutely adore your ability to mix humour with something sad, and that was another reason you came third place. I adored that aspect of it.
Ryan’s dog, Hobo, and Brendon are the only friends Ryan has, plus the TV that’s making the electric bill jump. He would just flip through the channels until there’s nothing else to flip to. Then he’d call Brendon in, talk for a while or tell him to fix the pillow under his head for him. – I loved the introduction, because it hints at lots of things at once. One, we know that Ryan’s condition is genetic and probably progressive, and that this is a normal routine for him, which is saddening in itself. I also feel sorry for him because the fact he only has two friends (one of which is a dog) said to me that he’s probably depressed and unsociable because of his condition.
The character of Brendon is so caring it makes me melt, but then again I guess it’d be kind of fucked if Brendon wasn’t as kind as he is but still cared for his best friend. The every day also adds to the feeling that this is a routine, and that Ryan’s a stubborn character. And then this is backed up by what Ryan says next: “I don’t wanna go on a rusty piece of shit.” It made me laugh and I wasn’t sure if it really should, because of the subject, and I was unsure about the tone of the rest of this at this point. I also was curious as to whether Ryan was being grouchy in the traditional sense, or just messing with Brendon.
Ryan glares at his friend. “Since you like it so much, why don’t you go on it? Oh – and on the way, why don’t you pretend like you’re about, I don’t know, forty pounds and stay in bed all day. And don’t forget to try and sound like a damn miserable bastard.” I’ll try not to quote so damn much but I just have to point out that I love Ryan’s dialogue so much – like what I said earlier about the humour/tragedy balance you manage to perfect. His sarcasm is spot on and I really admire writers who can add even the tiniest bit of comedy to their work, because I just can’t do it. It makes me :yah.
“Oh yeah. They usually turn into cranky ass morons like you.” Yay for Brendon fighting back. :tehe: Even though I know he’s poking fun, it actually made me –uh oh- because I just had this feeling Ryan would dish out all this crap to someone who cares for him but not be able to take it back. It added a dimension to his personality, and I really liked that. Ryan glares and turns his head away. It’s all he could do at the moment. Poor thing. Slight error there, by the way – ‘could’ should be ‘can’, seen as the story is in present tense. (:
I always like it in situations such as these when characters are apart and suddenly they’re not acting in front of each other. There’s something beautifully striking about Ryan falling asleep for me, and then suddenly Brendon’s not calm anymore but stressed out and worrying. I guess he takes Ryan’s grouchiness on the chin to save face or something, but underneath he really doesn’t like the way Ryan’s mood is affected by his illness and directed at him. Maybe I’m reading too deeply into this, idk. I do it a lot with stories. :XD
Ryan grunts – I get the feeling he’s embarrassed or indifferent here. Your association of actions with feelings is spot on. “I tried to roll out of bed. Don’t laugh.” For me, even though Ryan’s the one with the disorder, it feels like the roles have reversed here. It seemed like he was the one with power because Brendon was kind of running round after him, but now Ryan’s shown in a vulnerable position by falling half out of bed.It was touching, and very well written. I also think it was very crucial to the story to have put this in, because it’s a blaring reminder of Ryan’s condition. Often fics about these kinds of things don’t work if there isn’t a scene where the severity isn’t displayed, because then the fic often isn’t as much about the disease and it is pushed more and more to the back of the reader’s mind. This worked really well – you have a good balance between the Ryden friendship and the subject of the story. :cute:
“Thanks. For being here. Even if you do a shitty job at it.” What a great way to end it. :lmfao Ryan’s almost giving in by paying Brendon a compliment, but you stay true to character by adding a little insult. It was perfect.
All in all, I really enjoyed this and you’re very much deserving of a finalist place. I am sorry this review isn't as long as ones I'd usually give, but I guess there's less to pick out in only 500 words. Saying that, however, you managed to create a memorable scenario and characters in such a small amount of words and I applaud you immensely for that. I’ll say again that I adore your style of writing – usually I go for a different style completely, but there’s so many other things about your pieces that draw me in and your story execution is very unique. You’re also pretty much the only FBR writer I’ll consistently read (even though I love the pairings, especially Ryden and Brendon/Pete) and you actually inspired a Peterick I’m working on now. :cute:
The first thing that struck me about this was your choice of disease, if you can call spinal muscle atrophy a disease. I think it’d be classed more as a disorder, but I digress – that doesn’t matter. x] I admire your choosing of something out of the ordinary – it could have been so easy to write about cancer or another affliction a person dies from, but the paralysis you wrote about gave your piece another edge to it. I also absolutely adore your ability to mix humour with something sad, and that was another reason you came third place. I adored that aspect of it.
Ryan’s dog, Hobo, and Brendon are the only friends Ryan has, plus the TV that’s making the electric bill jump. He would just flip through the channels until there’s nothing else to flip to. Then he’d call Brendon in, talk for a while or tell him to fix the pillow under his head for him. – I loved the introduction, because it hints at lots of things at once. One, we know that Ryan’s condition is genetic and probably progressive, and that this is a normal routine for him, which is saddening in itself. I also feel sorry for him because the fact he only has two friends (one of which is a dog) said to me that he’s probably depressed and unsociable because of his condition.
Ryan glares at his friend. “Since you like it so much, why don’t you go on it? Oh – and on the way, why don’t you pretend like you’re about, I don’t know, forty pounds and stay in bed all day. And don’t forget to try and sound like a damn miserable bastard.” I’ll try not to quote so damn much but I just have to point out that I love Ryan’s dialogue so much – like what I said earlier about the humour/tragedy balance you manage to perfect. His sarcasm is spot on and I really admire writers who can add even the tiniest bit of comedy to their work, because I just can’t do it. It makes me :yah.
“Oh yeah. They usually turn into cranky ass morons like you.” Yay for Brendon fighting back. :tehe: Even though I know he’s poking fun, it actually made me –uh oh- because I just had this feeling Ryan would dish out all this crap to someone who cares for him but not be able to take it back. It added a dimension to his personality, and I really liked that. Ryan glares and turns his head away. It’s all he could do at the moment.
I always like it in situations such as these when characters are apart and suddenly they’re not acting in front of each other. There’s something beautifully striking about Ryan falling asleep for me, and then suddenly Brendon’s not calm anymore but stressed out and worrying.
Ryan grunts – I get the feeling he’s embarrassed or indifferent here. Your association of actions with feelings is spot on.
“I tried to roll out of bed. Don’t laugh.” For me, even though Ryan’s the one with the disorder, it feels like the roles have reversed here. It seemed like he was the one with power because Brendon was kind of running round after him, but now Ryan’s shown in a vulnerable position by falling half out of bed.It was touching, and very well written.
“Thanks. For being here. Even if you do a shitty job at it.” What a great way to end it. :lmfao Ryan’s almost giving in by paying Brendon a compliment, but you stay true to character by adding a little insult. It was perfect.
All in all, I really enjoyed this and you’re very much deserving of a finalist place. I am sorry this review isn't as long as ones I'd usually give, but I guess there's less to pick out in only 500 words. Saying that, however, you managed to create a memorable scenario and characters in such a small amount of words and I applaud you immensely for that. I’ll say again that I adore your style of writing – usually I go for a different style completely, but there’s so many other things about your pieces that draw me in and your story execution is very unique. You’re also pretty much the only FBR writer I’ll consistently read (even though I love the pairings, especially Ryden and Brendon/Pete) and you actually inspired a Peterick I’m working on now. :cute:
Well done, darling. :arms: