I liked how different this was. It's different to absolutely everything else I've read and that's probably why I liked it so much. It was a really original idea, so kudos to you for that.
The opening was really good, in particular, and I love how you described everything. When we die we all float off towards the sky, where we receive a shiny halo and a pair of soft, feathery angel wings. That was a beautiful description, and I love how pretty and fluffy you make it sound. It all sounds so care-free, which fits the description of heaven rather well.
The description of hell was quite ominous, in particular this bit. When they died, they were destined to spend the rest of eternity in the fiery pits of hell itself. You've really succeeded in making it sound quite scary, and hell seems to be a really horrible, uninhabitable place, reserved only for the lowlives and scum of the earth.
This sentence was really effective on its own. Unfortunately for Kris Coombs-Roberts, he had just become hell’s latest inhabitant. It instantly makes me wonder what he's done to get there, and it makes me feel a little sympathy, because the word "unfortunately" is used. And it's an interesting hook to get the reader interested because they want to see how bad he's been.
This was pretty scary. “You need to knock,” a very unfamiliar voice broke through Kris’ terrified thoughts. Aside from the fact that the voice broke into his thoughts (the fact that somebody can see into your mind and speak to you through it is pretty scary), the fact that Kris is really terrified adds to the fear that the reader feels for him. Despite the fact that he's been bad, I can still feel sympathy for him because of the way you described him there.
I like how you've not gone over the top with bright red devils, and made them look like ordinary people. His appearance was almost nothing out of the ordinary, apart from the tiny, sharp looking horns sticking out of his forehead. I think this worked better because it made it more believable and it added your own twist on the idea of hell, which I found really interesting.
I think its quite clever how nothing is revealed straight away, as to how Kris got there. He couldn’t remember anything after furiously driving along the empty roads, the radio blasting in his ears and heavy rain pouring onto the windscreen, faster than the wipers could remove it. Even Kris can't remember what happened, which is pretty significant. It shows how lost he is down in hell.
Again, the reader still feels sympathy for Kris. “W-w-why am I here?” Kris asked, curiosity lacing his tone, alongside fear and anxiety. He's really scared and doesn't know what's going on. He wants answers but he can't quite phrase his questions correctly.
And this is the part when the sympathy starts to slip away. “You killed yourself, along with your best friend.” Instantly I want to know what's gone on, and it makes me wonder slightly because Kris hadn't really come across as somebody who'd kill another - because of the way he acted when he arrived, and stuff. You make him out to be a really helpless character.
This was clever, and so true. No one ever understood why they were sent to hell. People want to protest their innocence, they don't want to spend eternity in damnation and want to somehow worm their way out of it, and try to show that they didn't deserve this. I like how you picked up on that, and it made the story a lot more believable. And Kris is no exception to this rule, either.
And then it all makes sense. You, Kris, murdered your best friend. Of course, it was probably unintentional, we are all aware of your undying love for him. I suppose that love died when you both flat lined in the hospital.” I've got to admit, that was really sad. Especially when it was revealed that he loved Neil. And the description of love dying when they flat-lined was really great and it matched the mood and story really well.
I think it suddenly hits Kris when he gets back on earth, about what has happened. He walked over and read one of the cards attached to a bunch of rain splattered lilies. Of course they were in Neil’s memory. The fact that of course they were in Neil's memory implies that Kris doesn't think enough of himself any more, and that he thinks that he's the most hated person in the world, because of the fact that he killed Neil. He thinks that he deserves nothing because it's all his fault.
The conversation between Kris and Neil was really well-written and you brought across both of their frustration really well. Neil's frustrated at Kris for killing him (but who can blame him?) and Kris is just frustrated because he wants Neil to know that he loves him, but he knows that his chances are all gone. I think that deep down inside himself, he knows that he never really had a chance.
I was pretty scared for Kris at the end. Oh very entertaining, Kris. I think you’ll fit in perfectly here.” The devil is quite intimidating and knows that he'll have fun torturing him. It makes me feel sorry for Kris, but I'm a big massive sap. :tehe:
You wrote both characters really well. I loved how you made Kris this kinda creepy guy, but at the same time you couldn't help but feel sorry for him. And I loved how Neil was forgiving of Kris, but he still completely blames him and always will. I loved this. :tehe:
The opening was really good, in particular, and I love how you described everything. When we die we all float off towards the sky, where we receive a shiny halo and a pair of soft, feathery angel wings. That was a beautiful description, and I love how pretty and fluffy you make it sound. It all sounds so care-free, which fits the description of heaven rather well.
The description of hell was quite ominous, in particular this bit. When they died, they were destined to spend the rest of eternity in the fiery pits of hell itself. You've really succeeded in making it sound quite scary, and hell seems to be a really horrible, uninhabitable place, reserved only for the lowlives and scum of the earth.
This sentence was really effective on its own. Unfortunately for Kris Coombs-Roberts, he had just become hell’s latest inhabitant. It instantly makes me wonder what he's done to get there, and it makes me feel a little sympathy, because the word "unfortunately" is used. And it's an interesting hook to get the reader interested because they want to see how bad he's been.
This was pretty scary. “You need to knock,” a very unfamiliar voice broke through Kris’ terrified thoughts. Aside from the fact that the voice broke into his thoughts (the fact that somebody can see into your mind and speak to you through it is pretty scary), the fact that Kris is really terrified adds to the fear that the reader feels for him. Despite the fact that he's been bad, I can still feel sympathy for him because of the way you described him there.
I like how you've not gone over the top with bright red devils, and made them look like ordinary people. His appearance was almost nothing out of the ordinary, apart from the tiny, sharp looking horns sticking out of his forehead. I think this worked better because it made it more believable and it added your own twist on the idea of hell, which I found really interesting.
I think its quite clever how nothing is revealed straight away, as to how Kris got there. He couldn’t remember anything after furiously driving along the empty roads, the radio blasting in his ears and heavy rain pouring onto the windscreen, faster than the wipers could remove it. Even Kris can't remember what happened, which is pretty significant. It shows how lost he is down in hell.
Again, the reader still feels sympathy for Kris. “W-w-why am I here?” Kris asked, curiosity lacing his tone, alongside fear and anxiety. He's really scared and doesn't know what's going on. He wants answers but he can't quite phrase his questions correctly.
And this is the part when the sympathy starts to slip away. “You killed yourself, along with your best friend.” Instantly I want to know what's gone on, and it makes me wonder slightly because Kris hadn't really come across as somebody who'd kill another - because of the way he acted when he arrived, and stuff. You make him out to be a really helpless character.
This was clever, and so true. No one ever understood why they were sent to hell. People want to protest their innocence, they don't want to spend eternity in damnation and want to somehow worm their way out of it, and try to show that they didn't deserve this. I like how you picked up on that, and it made the story a lot more believable. And Kris is no exception to this rule, either.
And then it all makes sense. You, Kris, murdered your best friend. Of course, it was probably unintentional, we are all aware of your undying love for him. I suppose that love died when you both flat lined in the hospital.” I've got to admit, that was really sad. Especially when it was revealed that he loved Neil. And the description of love dying when they flat-lined was really great and it matched the mood and story really well.
I think it suddenly hits Kris when he gets back on earth, about what has happened. He walked over and read one of the cards attached to a bunch of rain splattered lilies. Of course they were in Neil’s memory. The fact that of course they were in Neil's memory implies that Kris doesn't think enough of himself any more, and that he thinks that he's the most hated person in the world, because of the fact that he killed Neil. He thinks that he deserves nothing because it's all his fault.
The conversation between Kris and Neil was really well-written and you brought across both of their frustration really well. Neil's frustrated at Kris for killing him (but who can blame him?) and Kris is just frustrated because he wants Neil to know that he loves him, but he knows that his chances are all gone. I think that deep down inside himself, he knows that he never really had a chance.
I was pretty scared for Kris at the end. Oh very entertaining, Kris. I think you’ll fit in perfectly here.” The devil is quite intimidating and knows that he'll have fun torturing him. It makes me feel sorry for Kris, but I'm a big massive sap. :tehe:
You wrote both characters really well. I loved how you made Kris this kinda creepy guy, but at the same time you couldn't help but feel sorry for him. And I loved how Neil was forgiving of Kris, but he still completely blames him and always will. I loved this. :tehe: