First of all, I hate the first thing I say to you be a critical comment, but your layout makes the story extremely hard to read. I would try removing the picture in the middle, like going down the center and I'm sure that would make it a lot easier. :D
Also, for some reason, when you have dialogue, this weird black line comes up instead of quotes.. I don't know why that happens or if it's your fault? But, if it is, you might want to fix it.
This always bugs me :/ and I think it's also against Mibba's guidelines. But, when you're doing dialogue, you need to space it out like this:
“Pavel always talks about how his girlfriend always complains about a girl named Shelby always being late. Would that be you?” He asked.
My heart felt like it would shatter at any moment. I nodded and lowered my gaze to the ground. He squeezed my shoulder. I felt another tear make its way down my cheek. Henrik caught it and wiped it away.
“Don’t cry,” He said, pulling me against him. “Pavel knows it isn’t you who’s always late. He knows it’s her. I don’t know why he’s still going out with her, he talks all the time about how he can’t stand her.” He shook his head.
I stared up at him.
That makes it SO much easier to read. :D
I love in the second chapter how you have this girl have an argument with herself in her head. But, again it should be spaced out like the dialogue, because the voices inside her head are basically talking.
No, he can’t be, I thought. Henrik did say Pavel didn’t like Kelsay, I reminded myself. But was he serious?
Why would he lie to you? If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have told you, dummy.
Great, now I’m losing arguments with myself in my head.
The choppyness of the sentences when Pavel speaks are intentional. I did that to help illustrate the choppyness of his English.
I love that you did that. :D Most people blatantly ignore that in their stories. I do that with my Oliver Sykes story. I think it gives the story more character and develops the character himself much better.
This sentence is in chapter four, and it sounds funny to me :/
I placed all of my equipment into my bag, sling it over my shoulder and stepped out of the locker room.
Since most of the sentence is in past tense, sling should probably be slung (:
Okie doke. I think this story has a really good plot to it. But, you may want to do some tweaking with chapter four, it's a little cliche. Other than that, this story is really good and I think you could take it somewhere.
If you'd like a banner for your story, please message me and tell me if you want a certain picture or if you just don't care, and what colors you'd like me to use.
October 4th, 2009 at 12:26am
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Also, for some reason, when you have dialogue, this weird black line comes up instead of quotes.. I don't know why that happens or if it's your fault? But, if it is, you might want to fix it.
This always bugs me :/ and I think it's also against Mibba's guidelines. But, when you're doing dialogue, you need to space it out like this:
“Pavel always talks about how his girlfriend always complains about a girl named Shelby always being late. Would that be you?” He asked.
My heart felt like it would shatter at any moment. I nodded and lowered my gaze to the ground. He squeezed my shoulder. I felt another tear make its way down my cheek. Henrik caught it and wiped it away.
“Don’t cry,” He said, pulling me against him. “Pavel knows it isn’t you who’s always late. He knows it’s her. I don’t know why he’s still going out with her, he talks all the time about how he can’t stand her.” He shook his head.
I stared up at him.
That makes it SO much easier to read. :D
I love in the second chapter how you have this girl have an argument with herself in her head. But, again it should be spaced out like the dialogue, because the voices inside her head are basically talking.
No, he can’t be, I thought. Henrik did say Pavel didn’t like Kelsay, I reminded myself. But was he serious?
Why would he lie to you? If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have told you, dummy.
Great, now I’m losing arguments with myself in my head.
The choppyness of the sentences when Pavel speaks are intentional. I did that to help illustrate the choppyness of his English.
I love that you did that. :D Most people blatantly ignore that in their stories. I do that with my Oliver Sykes story. I think it gives the story more character and develops the character himself much better.
This sentence is in chapter four, and it sounds funny to me :/
I placed all of my equipment into my bag, sling it over my shoulder and stepped out of the locker room.
Since most of the sentence is in past tense, sling should probably be slung (:
Okie doke. I think this story has a really good plot to it. But, you may want to do some tweaking with chapter four, it's a little cliche. Other than that, this story is really good and I think you could take it somewhere.
If you'd like a banner for your story, please message me and tell me if you want a certain picture or if you just don't care, and what colors you'd like me to use.