Paper Bag. - Comments

I remember this from rts It was the first thing I read by you [I think] and I loved it :}

Footsteps are outside and its fuckfuckfuck, a scratched vinyl shouts in his mind.. This line stuck in my mind for weeks after I read it, tbh. It's just so brilliant. :weird

Ghostly words tell Dougie that it's going to be alright, but they land on his collarbone and don't float up to his perceptive mind. :cheese: How do you think of these amazing sentences?

This was just so adorable and Tom was just so lovely. Your descriptions are flawless, as usual, and I love your characterisation :3

Oh my wow...
That was like... amazing.
Your a great writer.

Spine folded in half like a sheet of paper, Dougie clutches at his stomach and waits to be ripped apart.

First line really just drew me in. I love it when authors kind of just dive into the story. I think it makes it more interesting to read. I also love the way the sentence is formatted. It's not very traditional but it works very well.

At certain parts, I get a bit lost becuase of the description. Sometimes it's less colorful and more confusing.

Tom’s fingers twirl a lock of Dougie’s hair between their rough tips as he watches the distension and deflation of the bag, but the palms clutching it do not become any more sedated.

This is another really nice line, in my opinion. I like how it expresses the care and love between the two characters without being overboard or too bold.

At the end, I thought this was really interesting and well written. When I started reading, I didn't really get why the main character was having this panic attack, but I liked that it was becuase of the show. I think that you don't see enough nervous performers in the fanfiction here at me. Everyone usually justs gets on stage and seem to have no fear of the incredible large crowds they have to perform for. I think that something like that, the fear and nervousness you've written about, is a very real thing that people often don't consider.

That was amazing!
But you already knew that. :cute:

"Spine folded in half like a sheet of paper, Dougie clutches at his stomach and waits to be ripped apart. The darkness hugs him from all sides and his teetering back bumps the wall, hair scratching against the suffocating oak of wherever he’s crawled into."

That was such a powerful opening.

:cheese:
You never cease to amaze me, seriously. I promised myself I'd get round to reviewing this, and you had no idea. :weird Well, I did, and now I am. Even though it'll be shit. Anyway.. down to business. :lmfao

Firstly, you always know how to open your one shots.
Spine folded in half like a sheet of paper, Dougie clutches at his stomach and waits to be ripped apart.
Loved. That. So effing much, seriously. I love the image you get straight away of Dougie, from the 'sheet of paper' metaphor. It's really strong and you know how far he's bent already.

Until the last paragraph, I have absolutely no idea what's wrong with him or where he is. I'm kind of thinking.. in a really bad situation, as in, no way to escape, totally fucked, no more Dougie, etc.. and maybe that's what you were going for? But because it's about a paper bag I'm figuring he's just having a panic attack anyway. But nevertheless, the effect is there.

The darkness hugs him from all sides
I like how contrasting that is. Some people would think that the darkness wouldn't be a good thing, and that it's just making it worse, but using the word 'hugs' makes it feel like the darkness is enveloping him and actually making him feel better. I kind of know that already, considering he's chosen to crawl into some dark space.. anyway, I'm rambling. That line was amazing. Definitely.

Footsteps are outside and its fuckfuckfuckfuck , a scratched vinyl shouts in his mind,
I love run on sentences to an unhealthy length, and although that's not really run on, it sort of is, and the whole 'fuckfuckfuck' thing is just incredible and really effective. It shows how scared and nervous and panicked Dougie is, aswell as being a friggin great line. As you can see, this whole review I'm just going to be rabbiting on about how great your lines are. :tehe:

Just a side note, - Christ, this is the most rambling review ever - I love how this is only six hundred words. I prefer shorter one shots, because they can give you good insight but they don't drag on. You write shorter pieces so perfectly. :cheese:

His palms dampen cotton and muscles twitch beneath glistening hands, the map of blue veins decorating his tense bones as he listens for the person they always send to find him.
I liked that. I think it's great that this is in present tense, by the way, because it's so much more effective than past. And I love how this now seems to be a recurring thing, Dougie hiding out in cupboards and hyperventilating. I want to know if this means that he's got a stronger relationship with whoever is always sent for him and how they behave when he gets like that. I also want to know who it is.

In the next paragraph, I love how easily Tom gets Dougie to take the bag and breathe in. He doesn't want to, but it's like Tom has some kind of.. hold ..no, not hold, just something that puts him even a little bit more at ease, and even thought he's reluctant to take the bag, he does it anyway. Eh, I'm a sucker for really close, non-sexual friendships so I kind of have this little flickering ball of.. sappy stuff in my stomach as I read their interaction. :XD

Tom’s fingers twirl a lock of Dougie’s hair between their rough tips as he watches the distension and deflation of the bag,
Eeee. I get a really good picture in my head of Tom watching Dougie really lovingly, and I'm sensing that maaaybe Tom really likes being the one to help Dougie out when this kind of thing happens. But maybe I'm reading too much into it, or just being a dick and not understanding what you want to portray at all. Or seeing what I want to see. God, I'm so awful. Anyway, I just think that part is so adorable.

"You can,” Tom mumbles, his temple resting against Dougie’s. “You’ve done it before,”

“You have us,” he breathes, coating his neck with a concoction of moisture, sympathy and affection.

One small kiss to a vein in his neck, and the hyperventilation gradually slows.
:cheese: As you have just seen I get reeeeally sappy over this kind of thing, and right now you're kind of making my heart melt. So thanks for turning me into a big fat girly girl, Sam. :file: :tehe: I just.. gah, I lovelovelove how Tom acts around Dougie. It's almost fatherly, but obviously without incest ... o_O. And you can tell that he really cares for Dougie.

Both of them know that each night winds up this way, both before and after the show, and Dougie determinedly screws up the dependable bag. His quivering lips meet Tom’s, and with a trusting smile he knows he’s as ready for show time as he’ll ever be.
Oh my. :cheese: So, are they together, or are they just... :cheese: Damn. I like how even though this happens every single time, before and after, neither Dougie or Tom give up on each other or themselves, and Dougie always goes out and does it, because he knows that Tom believes in him. I thought it was such a sweet ending.

I'm sorry that this surprise was so incredibley shite, but I'm awful at reviews and I just wanted to show you how much I love your writing.
Everything about this, the description, their actions, the dialogue, was so good. And I love how you can capture such strong emotion in such a short piece.
Ughh, you just get better and better. :arms

I adored this. It was seriously amazing, one of my favourite things you've written. I'm not very good at writing things of short length, I never seem to get enough detail in, but you're the complete opposite. The detail you've gone into is fantastic, and I seriously am in awe of your writing. :cheese:

Dougie's fear was very well-written throughout. You made it very life-like and I really adore your ability to make characters lifelike. It gives them more dimensions and helps the story to flow better. I can picture it in my mind perfectly, because your imagery and description is absolutely spot-on.

Footsteps are outside and its fuckfuckfuckfuck , a scratched vinyl shouts in his mind, because he knows it’s coming. I adore this line, I think it's my favourite in the whole thing. It's like he's got a voice in the back of his head, and it's just saying the same thing over and over again, giving the impression of a track on repeat - or a scratched vinyl playing a section over and over again, for that matter.

His mind is just set on one thing and he just can't rest until it's all sorted out. He seems quite pessimistic though, he believes he'll be trapped like that forever. Until Tom comes into it. Tom's like his ray of sunshine, his little bit of hope. Tom helps him believe that someday this will all be okay and he'll never have to worry again.

Dougie's fear comes across as quite childlike, and Tom's like his strong older brother. (Although there's some serious incest going on ~~) “C’mon, you’re okay,” Tom whispers as he places a brown paper bag into the younger boy’s trembling hands and wraps his own round his shoulders. He wants to show Dougie assurance that he'll be okay. He's a really caring person towards Dougie and genuinely worries about him. He sounds like a really great friend.

The last paragraph is filled with hope. Hope of Dougie getting better and hope for the future. I love how it is open-ended, too. It lets the reader decide whether he really does go onstage (which I believe he does) or whether he can't stomach it and stays inside the dressing room instead.

Nicely done! :arms:

AH-mazing! That was very good!
I love your writing :cute:

Story/Review Game:

I think I’m beginning to like shorter one-shots like this; they’re long enough to get a feel for the characters, but short enough that they’re more like moments in time, like a snapshot. And it gets you right into the situation, you know? Due to the limited number of words, every one has to be of importance to the story, and I love that this story just goes right into the detail of Dougie and how he’s feeling. It’s written quite poetically and beautifully for something so uncomfortable. But that’s a good thing...like how horror stories can still have amazing wording.

The descriptions made me think of drugs for some reason. :think: Something to do with just how...surreal, it almost seemed. Or maybe magical would be a better word. I love that with description, when it all melds together to make up a picture of a person or an event without seeming fractured (unless that’s for effect of course :tehe:).

Spine folded in half like a sheet of paper, Dougie clutches at his stomach and waits to be ripped apart. There’s so much intensity in that line, it’s a great opener. I love the whole description of his body and how out of sorts it is.

Footsteps are outside and its fuckfuckfuckfuck , a scratched vinyl shouts in his mind, because he knows it’s coming. And that was some amazing wording there. :yah I admit I love when one single significant word is repeated for effect, especially when they’re grouped together like that without the spaces. It gives a whole new dimension to it and reads differently, more frenzied. And it shows some insight into what he’s thinking.

The thing about this story is that I can relate, which made it even more interesting to read. Sure, I’ve never needed a paper bag to help my breathing, but performing no matter the shape or form makes me sick to my stomach and shaky, so I empathise with Dougie. I get that he must feel so afraid and cornered and desperate to escape. But it always helps to have someone to just...be there and guide you through it.

I suppose I should offer some constructive criticism, otherwise I’ll just be quoting every line and telling you in intricate detail why I liked it (which I wouldn’t mind doing :tehe: )

His head raises to see the light folded round a pair of dark legs, swathed in denim and bended over at the knee. I think it would help the flow to have it as ‘swathed in denim and bent at the knee.’ It’s more concise. But that would screw up your word count, and does ‘bent over at the knee’ sound odd to you? It does to me. :think: It’s probably just a personal thing, but ‘bended’ seemed a little drawn out to me.

He hears the crinkle of the familiar material clutched in his band mate’s hand, and tries to reassure himself that he’s in trusted hands. Maybe you could use a different word instead of ‘hand’ the first time round? With the sentence ending in ‘hands’ it sounds a little repetitive. ‘Familiar material clutched in his band mate’s grip’ maybe?

Random note: I like words like larynx and stuff like that, scientific words. I’m actually learning about the different parts of the body that contribute to speech at uni and they’re always cool sounding words (and funny too, like uvula. :shifty :XD)

lethargic delirium Amazing description. :cheese: I think that might be my favourite phrase from this story. It just fits together so effortlessly.

Ghostly words tell Dougie that it’s going to be alright, but they land on his collarbone and don’t float up to his perceptive mind. Love that, gorgeous description and I love the tenderness and care that’s portrayed there. It’s very cute.

The ending was nice. It indicated that this was an ongoing problem and probably will be until Dougie becomes more comfortable, but there was a sense of achievement there; even though he’s scared, he’s still going out there and facing his fear, which is empowering.

Amazing. :arms:

Hi, let's talk about how insanely jealous I am of your amazingly perfect writing.
...
laters

I really loved it.

The descriptions you used were really well-worded. I think you captured the whole scenario and stage-fright incredibly. The way you've written it is so real.

I can't find any fault in this. I think it's just... wow.

Incredible. :cute: