April 7th, 2009 at 10:40am
yes.
i seem to be the only one who has replied to your question.
one question, though. why are you such a good writer?
grrrrr....
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Before I get started, I’d like to mention that your layout made me laugh. :cute:
Introduction
I really, really like stories in first person and I think it works really well here. I love how the first thing this girl tells us is her name, and then goes on to say her name is ‘glamorous’. I think it’s hard to start a story in first person, but I like how you’ve started it - it tells the reader a lot about Emmaleigh.
‘With my looks, how can people not be jealous of me?’
Again, this shows Emmaleigh is confident and a bit cocky. She knows she’s hot, and she loves it. I liked how you didn’t go on to describe Emmaleigh, you just left it for the reader to imagine. I pictured Emmaleigh looking a bit like Summer, from the OC - if you’ve ever seen the OC. :cute:
I think it’s great you’ve made Emmaleigh know that she breaks boys hearts and she enjoys it, I think it works really well. Although, at the end of the introduction, I didn’t really like Emmaleigh. She seemed too full of herself, a bit arrogant. But then I remembered the summary and I felt compelled to read on - I want to know how this bold girl gets her heart broken.
I think some of your sentences were a bit short and could have done with something more added on, but sometimes it worked. The last sentence ‘Honey, they don’t call me the Heartbreaker for nothing.’ was really powerful and I just thought it was a great way to end the introduction.
Chapter One - Truly?
I loved how Emmaleigh interacted with Alex, how she teased him. The last line of their dialogue, “Your hair feels just as soft as it looks.", made me laugh. I thought it was cute, despite the fact that Emmaleigh is definitely not a cute person. Describing Alex as her last ‘victim’ was really clever, it showed that Emmaleigh really is just a predator.
I don’t think you should’ve crossed out ‘rudely interrupting the mental rape I had going on of Alex’ but that’s just personal preference. Also, maybe you should’ve have called it ‘rape’. I’m sure Alex would have been consensual. :tehe:
‘Alleigh was basically the only person who could tolerate me.’ Even though I don’t particularly like Emmaleigh, her attitude makes me laugh. I loved how she knows all the girls will hate her and be completely jealous of her, and she doesn’t seem to care. I thought it was strange that Emmaleigh wanted Alleigh to be as gorgeous as her, I just assumed Emmaleigh would’ve wanted everyone to be in love with her and that she would’ve have wanted competition.
I don’t like POV changes during stories, sorry. I know it’s relevant to your story, because you want the reader to know that Alleigh knew something about Alex and I know it’s going to be hard to do that when your stories in first person. I just would have preferred if you had somehow found another way to do it. I think you mentioned this was different from your other stories and I’m just presuming you mean it’s different because it’s written in first person, but I dunno.
At first, I thought Alleigh was so innocent and she would just do whatever Emmaleigh wanted. So it was nice that you had her consider whether she should tell Emmaleigh about Alex or not, instead of having her just tell her straight away. I can relate to Alleigh because I have a friend just like Emmaleigh :tehe: I think it’s good that readers should be able to relate to characters, and I’m looking forward to finding out what Alleigh does.
Overall, I think this story has real potential. If I get time, I’ll probably subscribe and see how you develop it :cute:
- That was my first review, ever. I hope you’re not disappointed or anything. And I really hope I didn’t come off as horrible or anything. If I did, I’m really sorry.