Cupid's Web - Comments

Wow, sorry this is so late, what an idea?! I would never have thought of this you played it out really well.
I loved how you defined Gerard as so similar yet so different from Mikey. It was subtle but perfect.
My favorite part was probably the part where they met for the first time, the 'my angel' references were wonderful, you portrayed Frank's feeling especially well, he was confused, yet so sure at just the right moments.
Gerard came in as a beautiful character defined by what Frank loved about him; his protective nature his apple flavored lips etc.
All in all this story was really wonderful to read, in essence because like Frank we couldn't see the story playing out, but with your words and Frank's insinct it could be seen just as clearly. xx

This is amazing!

Seriously, this is one of the best one-shots I've ever read, and I didn't want it to end!!

xx

What a rollercoaster!
Skillfully written, the reader can really step in to the characters' shoes and enact the story themselves.
You used the prompt well too, well done! =]

I’ve heard that the other beta-reader told you that this doesn’t follow the prompt.

Really? She didn't mention it to me...

I was actually going to post this in the author's notes anyway, but I didn't think I needed to... but now it seems I need to. The way I got from braille to my oneshot is exactly how it says it the summary. Blind people cannot see braille, but they can feel it. You cannot see love, but you can feel it. I didn't actually want to include a blind person at first, but it was necessary for the storyline... Just because I didn't use my prompt literally doesn't mean it isn't valid :]

Kherri, I'm posting here the most important parts of the beta job I did to you, as you asked me to put some of them here =] Only the 'PS' is new! I'm sorry it turned out so long, lol.

“Stop,” he ordered.
This is an order that seems both sweet, to not scare Frank away, and abusive, to try and make everyone stop mocking at Frank. Lovely.

“I don’t want to have to repeat that,” the man said in his calm voice, and, if possible, I breathed a sigh of relief, purely because he hadn’t been knocked out. After a moment, the crowd could be heard slowly slinking away, unquestionably gossiping about the latest fight.
I enjoy especially how you didn’t turn this into on of the usual fights; Gerard was being harmed and apparently was weaker, but in fact he proved them all wrong. I don’t feel they’ve learned it, though…

I waited for two minutes; three; four;
Just like a tic-tac, amazing.

“Are you okay?” he asked me in that tranquil velvety voice of his.
I can almost ‘see through Frank’s eyes’, as all his sharp senses are all trying to figure out this voice, and the one that truly does is the ‘velvety’ touch of it. I’ve always wondered where do you get all these metaphors and allusions…

After we said our near-tearful goodbyes and promised each other phone calls every day, he hugged me. There was nothing unusual about that, until I suddenly felt his lips upon mine. Disgusted, I left in the taxi without another word, even if a slight pang of guilt did ring through me as I heard his ashamed sobs.
I love this. It gives so much credibility to Frank’s character! I mean, Gerard had saved him; they were friends, but it was no reason for him to fall in love blindly. That was rather good, but not unexpected, I’d say, as Frank was raised a Catholic.

As we arrived at the house, I had a strange sense of déjà vu. It all seemed so cliché, but I was completely oblivious at the time. Of course, this mysterious twin brother was Gerard. Being my luck, I just had to see him again.
I like how you say that Frank sees him; it makes the thing more realistic, because even that his eyes are hurt, he can still see with his four other senses.

And right then I knew. I didn’t care what anybody else thought; I was gay, and I really liked this man.
He only realizes that because he had been away from Gerard for some time. It feels good to be back to his embrace, and that is why he decided to break free from his Catholic past. He had missed Gerard, but not until he met him once more and felt something different, he just couldn’t admit what he felt.

It seemed too quick, and came as a shock, but, how cliché, it was just so right.
Frank is so adorable about his relationship with Gerard and all these mentions to cliché things. It’s an interesting subject you tell us here, as there are so many clichéd things that we simply can’t undo, or resist. Good.

The way his lustrous skin was swept tautly over his angular cheekbones was enchanting, and his eyes, so perfectly round, and hazel so he told me, lifted at my touch, as did the corners of his soft lips.
The importance of the touch… It is so important to the end of the story, that it just fits perfectly here!

I grinned to myself. He always had been protective of me, but I was glad of it. I heard him get out the alarm and button. It was a bit like a walkie talkie, but it worked at a greater distance; when the button was pressed, the alarm would sound. Simple.
It’s just a matter of security, but would it be enough? I mean, it is so simple, as Frank describes it, so maybe it won’t be that safe as they wanted it to be. I like the expectation of the word ‘Simple.’ in here. Good.

That left the problem of who could be witnesses, so we reluctantly paid two strangers to witness our marriage. In some ways I preferred it like that though. It really would just be Gerard and I; together; alone.
The way he puts this so bluntly only makes his character look even more sensible at my eyes. He just knows how to think about everything, since he has his vision mission. I already feel like this character is very well built and realistic. You did an amazing job with him! =]

Mikey’s house was simple, yet there was always something calming about it. It wasn’t your typical town house; the bricks were painted dirty white with black rims around the crooked windows. Huge, luscious trees towered high above the thatched roof, framing the customary square shape to complete the antiqued look.
Here comes the difference between the two characters, and you just made it sound so beautiful. Frank is blind so he has to see with his hands, and instinct, and everything else. But Gerard can see and this difference is pretty clear here. Even that you use very simple words to describe the house, it feels amazingly visual because it’s the first visual thing we have in here. It’s good, then, that you’re doing the two POVs, because now we have the complete painting of the wedding: Gerard’s sight and the rest of Frank’s senses.

I wrapped my arms around his emaciated shoulders and pulled him closer for a hug, but he didn’t respond.
And it’s already beginning, so bluntly, so beautifully. The purity and emergency of the situation completely fit the necessity that Mikey has to do this. It’s gorgeous.

The cold tension teasing the atmosphere hit me immediately, and the impact was profound. With a gasp of bitter air, I understood that not only was something wrong, something was fatally wrong.
Just a note: he is getting influenced by Frank’s lack of vision. He’s learning to interpret the ambiance around him and realize that something is wrong. Gerard is also growing here as a characters because of that. Good.

The thump thump thump of my heart was gradually growing unsteady as I edged towards the door.
GORGEOUS! I love the onomatopoeia here. It’s far more effective than ‘the beating of my heart’; you are truly amazing with words!

With another cry I realised that I’d just made his plan easier. It was too late to persist now; he had me right where he wanted me. I should have made him confess his feelings for Frank whilst we were still in the kitchen, I should have persisted then, not now. We could have talked sensibly, reasoned with each other and nobody would have been hurt. I had even left my night bag with everything in it in the hallway ready for him; my tuxedo, my shampoo, my aftershave. He would even smell like me to fool Frank even further.
I love how Gerard is being reasonable now and trying to understand, calmly, how bad his situation is. It’s just his mind telling him to escape. I like the consistence of these actions. Good.

All that was left for me to do now was pray that Frank would realise something was wrong. Horribly wrong.
He asks this because he knows how accurate Frank’s senses and intuition are. Plus, he trusts Frank to realize that something is wrong. Very good.

“Frank, I must be off… I have a meeting to go to. Gerard hired a limousine for you to get to church. He talked to the driver himself to make sure he would keep you safe and walk you to and from the limo. Good luck.” He had sounded almost… conceited. I must have misinterpreted his excitement.
Frank proves here that he tries his best to interpret people’s feelings from the way their voices sound and feel, reminding me again of that ‘velvety’ touch he had felt on Gerard’s skin. Then he tries to push the bad thoughts for the back of his mind because it’s his wedding day and he’s supposed to think positive. You really did a good job with this. It sounds stunning to me, really. I can almost feel Frank telling his heart to slow down because all the things he misinterprets are due to the butterflies in his stomach.

I stood perfectly still as I waited for Gerard to arrive; too afraid to move in case I injured myself and spoilt our day. The longer I waited, the harder the wasps stung, the more venom was injected into my thoughts, and gradually the nerves got the better of me. I didn’t mean that in the sense that I was having second thoughts, of course I wasn’t. But my mind wandered onto subjects that weren’t suitable for the happiest day of my life… the most important day of my life.
Perfect evolution of Frank’s feelings: the butterflies turn into wasps. Seriously, this clearly is a marvel from nature.

Somehow, being blind was like one twisted joke. It was like playing a game of blind date. You had to choose someone based on their personality; looks didn’t come into it. In a way that was good; it meant there was no prejudice on your behalf, but unlike a mere game, where the face of the date would be revealed all too soon, I would never set eyes on Gerard. My illusion of him was just that; an illusion and nothing more. A mere image assembled by touch, sound, smell, taste.
This will surely be important for the wedding because Mikey will sound and smell like Gerard, though the touch and the taste will be different. Frank is trying to tell us that he had those bad feelings about something; it wasn’t just nerves, it was hope that everything went good… but somehow he knew that he should see that day. Poor Frank, really.

There are also some signs during the first part of the wedding that make Frnak start to think that something really is good. Simple things that function as signs, like the fact that Mikey called him Frank when Gerard used to call him “Frankie”, or when Frank says that Gerard would have squeezed his hand soothingly and Mikey had shuffled it away from his, etc. I like it, because they make Frank slowly understand the ambiance and his surroundings, making it possible and plausible to understand that something will go wrong. It never happens just because, and this succession of signs shows it pretty clearly.

However, my senses were stronger than ever now that I had no eyesight, and I could undoubtedly detect the uncertainty lingering in the air around me. I was sure I could feel something wrong, but nothing was going to stop us marrying each other at this point, so I ignored the niggling at the back of my mind once again.
He once learned to trust his gut feeling, since he couldn’t exactly see what was happening around him, but one thing he couldn’t avoid: to trust Gerard. That’s why his feelings go away and then come back; it’s like an inward conflict in Gerard: trust the instincts, trust Gerard. Good.

It may have fooled the others, but what they didn’t seem to notice is the sourness beneath the sweetness. Why was Gerard being so bitter today?
This is perfect here. More effective than any “I don’t feel quite right about the situation”… A question, even that unanswered, always has a more powerful effect.

I tried to make sense of it all; to think of it all in a logical way. Staying calm had never been my speciality, but for this moment it was crucial. As soon as the word ‘logical’ even entered my brain, I instantly knew. The only person who had known about the wedding; Mikey.
Good. Once more the characters seem realistic like this: they’re ‘in danger’, so they stop their stupid rushed thoughts and start to think logically. Perfect.

A brutal crunch sounded through the room, and I recognised it as Gerard’s nose breaking.
What an amazing hearing Frank has, right? This is the loveliest part of Frank; how he would recognise Gerard even in the middle of a crowd…

I don’t think there is much more that I can say. It was an amazing tale, as I’d already predicted it. I am more than glad that you managed to finish it, fortunately for the contest, because this deserves to be there. Not because I beta-ed it, or because we are close Mibbian friends, but this was one of my favourite entries. I mean it.

I’m not just saying things to soothe you or make you ‘fall in love’ with me, lol. It’s not that. I’m just trying to say that, although we disagree with some things, I do love your story from the very first day I’ve landed my eyes on that Summary. I feel like we built some of this together, but I had nothing to do with the perfection of this. It was all a matter of language, and the words you so well used. I adored it. I can’t want more from this story. Every single detail was explored… *sigh* Damn, I’m speechless.

PS: Oh and Thank you for the apple-flavoured lips *giggle*
Plus, I’ve heard that the other beta-reader told you that this doesn’t follow the prompt. Well, the fact is that you don’t make any reference to Braille in the whole one-shot, but I think that these prompts aren’t supposed to be that direct in the stories. I mean, you can have something related to Braille, and you did: you had a blind man, who certainly had to learn how to read Braille since he went to college and everything. This is just my opinion, but obviously: everyone has their own opinions, and the judge will have hers.
I just think you did such a good job around the story that it won’t even matter *giggle*