April 29th, 2009 at 12:01am
For a short introduction, this was bloody stunning. The detail and descriptions were spot-on and I really enjoyed reading this. It was a great prologue, this has the potential to be so amazing and I have no doubt that you'll execute the rest of the story just as beautifully.
The opening sentence - or rather word? - was very effective. The fact it was just a word...it throws the reader straight into the action and the remainder of the paragraph was filled with description that worked incredibly well.
She could’ve been beautiful. It’s impossible to tell. Wow. Immediately the reader wonders what's gone on, what drives the person who did it to do this and why they do it. It's quite a scary image, and I feel kind of on edge. They seem really intimidating and definitely not somebody you'd want to cross paths with on a dark night. :cheese:
Though, as they bore into me, I feel like they can see through me, in my mind, searching my through soul for my secrets. I think she's only afraid of the dead, because she doesn't seem to be afraid of anything else. She seems to have a few skeletons in her closet that she's not ready to face yet, so she tries to concentrate on her work instead. I don't know. :think:
This description was simple but I think it was the most effective out of the whole story. Twenty-four years old. Female. Prostitute. Enough information is given to know who she is, but at the same time we don't know who she is. All we know is what happened to her, and that it wasn't very pleasant at all.
The narrator seems to look down on herself because she's a female in that line of work, and that's kind of sad. And how she says she's sounding like her mother. It gives the impression that her relationship with her mother isn't exactly brilliant.
Great start. I loved it. :arms:
Good opening. The bass line to an unknown piece of techno music pulsates through my apartment, waking me up and putting me into a foul mood. It shows that she's not a morning person, and it really got me interested. I don't know why, I guess it just did. :XD
I love the attention you paid to detail, also. That same old musky aroma. I can really smell that, you described it well without going into detail overload, which was good. I really liked that description.
This was good, very ominous. I can’t remember where I’ve heard the name Snake before. I like the fact that Snake is mysterious, and also he seems well-known at the same time. If that makes sense.
I like how Snake takes control, and everything. He seems quite an intimidating character but at the same time I really like him. You've written him well and I'm intrigued as to where you're going to take this.
Sorry this isn't longer. My head aches and I feel so fucking ill. But I couldn't leave you waiting any longer, I feel so goddamn rude. :arms: Sorry again.