Very nice, altogether. Stylish, not over-written, but nevertheless an original narrator's voice--it sounds personal and not forced, which is, as I often say, really a mark of a true writer. Whatever it is, you've got it.:file:
Here are some of my musings. :cute:
Good Bits. (And why they were good, obv.)
Well, it was inevitable, wasn't it? -- Always involves the reader to ask questions like that, now, doesn't it? Nice way to begin a short story, isn't it? Lulz. This was good---in fact, your use of questions throughout the piece is quite consistently effective in conveying the tumultous thoughts and emotions of the narrator. I liked it.
Christ, look at me. This is the last time I’ll be this close to you, and all I care about is myself. -- This was great. Just the self-deprecating honesty of it, really. Nothing more to say than that.
I guess I didn’t know you as well as I thought I did, and now I never will, and nor will anyone else. God, it sounds so cliché. -- Nup. No cliché there. Cliché is like, "butterflies in the stomach", and beautiful princesses marrying handsome princes at the end of fairy tales, or mallgoths being depressed.
It chills me to the bone. -- Now, that's cliché. :tehe:
Grammatically, all is fine, except for maybe a few places in which I wouldn't have bothered with semi-colons, and the fact you didn't capitalise "Mum" or "Dad".
Favourite part has to be the end, though. I’d miss you, mum, if I’d known you. Just particularly heartrending, that line. :cute:
Any-whey, I'd better be off-ski. Keep up the good work!
Here are some of my musings. :cute:
Good Bits. (And why they were good, obv.)
Well, it was inevitable, wasn't it? -- Always involves the reader to ask questions like that, now, doesn't it? Nice way to begin a short story, isn't it? Lulz. This was good---in fact, your use of questions throughout the piece is quite consistently effective in conveying the tumultous thoughts and emotions of the narrator. I liked it.
Christ, look at me. This is the last time I’ll be this close to you, and all I care about is myself. -- This was great. Just the self-deprecating honesty of it, really. Nothing more to say than that.
Constructive Criticism. (My favourite part, haha.)
I guess I didn’t know you as well as I thought I did, and now I never will, and nor will anyone else. God, it sounds so cliché. -- Nup. No cliché there. Cliché is like, "butterflies in the stomach", and beautiful princesses marrying handsome princes at the end of fairy tales, or mallgoths being depressed.
It chills me to the bone. -- Now, that's cliché. :tehe:
Grammatically, all is fine, except for maybe a few places in which I wouldn't have bothered with semi-colons, and the fact you didn't capitalise "Mum" or "Dad".
Favourite part has to be the end, though.
I’d miss you, mum, if I’d known you. Just particularly heartrending, that line. :cute:
Any-whey, I'd better be off-ski. Keep up the good work!
Peace love and empathy x