:XD the summary seemed to sum everything up to what the story was about and I'm intrigued to know more of this Winnie character and what all happened with her past. She seems like a outcast already who wants to be a real rebel at heart. Oh, I see this being a movie or something, not really my cup of tea, but it sounds really cool, when I think about it :tehe:
I'm glad I was the first comment, people nowadays don't know how to comment a story properly, but anyways I'm going to start my review and just to let you know, I usually don't like reviewing small chapters likes these, but I will do my best to be constructive at most :arms:
"No lights. Loud noises. Screaming. Crying. And finally a loud brutal bang." - I like the beginning, but I felt you could of added more emphasis to these words, to make them stand out a little more, because I know they mean something more then what there implying :think:
For some stranger reason, I felt that the first scene was a school shooting in a hallway of a school, because of the chapter title and the suspense made me wonder what was going on. Another thing I picked up was I feel in some areas you can really put your creative touch to describe deeper what the character is feeling and maybe describe the surroundings that might make the reader understand more of what's actually going on.
"Then comes the blood…lots and lots of blood." - when using eclipse make sure there's a space between if I'm thinking correctly like . . . but the beginning scene since it was a flashback I think you should make the readers realize that some how, I really don't know, I see many different ways that work, be creative :con: sorry If I'm annoying you by saying that, but I mean it in a good way, because you have a lot of potential and I hardly tell people that on Mibba unless I really mean it. The only time I read stories is when I'm reviewing for this game, so I'm glad when I come across all kinds of stories. :XD
Seeing that this is an original story, I give you mad props for this, because I'm a original writer as well and I know it's hard getting readers to read your stuff, but you do have some grammar problems that could be fix easily, if you re-read your work. Another thing, I like Winnie, because she just wants a normal life, and honestly don't we all sometime or later? To just be free from what pain has caused. I know what's it's like loosing someone who's real close, so that hit home a little.
*Sorry, I ramble on way to much when I'm sleepy :file:
:XD the summary seemed to sum everything up to what the story was about and I'm intrigued to know more of this Winnie character and what all happened with her past. She seems like a outcast already who wants to be a real rebel at heart. Oh, I see this being a movie or something, not really my cup of tea, but it sounds really cool, when I think about it :tehe:
I'm glad I was the first comment, people nowadays don't know how to comment a story properly, but anyways I'm going to start my review and just to let you know, I usually don't like reviewing small chapters likes these, but I will do my best to be constructive at most :arms:
"No lights.
Loud noises.
Screaming.
Crying.
And finally a loud brutal bang." - I like the beginning, but I felt you could of added more emphasis to these words, to make them stand out a little more, because I know they mean something more then what there implying :think:
For some stranger reason, I felt that the first scene was a school shooting in a hallway of a school, because of the chapter title and the suspense made me wonder what was going on. Another thing I picked up was I feel in some areas you can really put your creative touch to describe deeper what the character is feeling and maybe describe the surroundings that might make the reader understand more of what's actually going on.
"Then comes the blood…lots and lots of blood." - when using eclipse make sure there's a space between if I'm thinking correctly like . . . but the beginning scene since it was a flashback I think you should make the readers realize that some how, I really don't know, I see many different ways that work, be creative :con: sorry If I'm annoying you by saying that, but I mean it in a good way, because you have a lot of potential and I hardly tell people that on Mibba unless I really mean it. The only time I read stories is when I'm reviewing for this game, so I'm glad when I come across all kinds of stories. :XD
Seeing that this is an original story, I give you mad props for this, because I'm a original writer as well and I know it's hard getting readers to read your stuff, but you do have some grammar problems that could be fix easily, if you re-read your work. Another thing, I like Winnie, because she just wants a normal life, and honestly don't we all sometime or later? To just be free from what pain has caused. I know what's it's like loosing someone who's real close, so that hit home a little.
*Sorry, I ramble on way to much when I'm sleepy :file:
Keep writing, you'll get it