Picture Perfect - Comments

This story is wonderful
:D

<3

who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly? who's Ed Lockly?

let me say one thing about this story. It's amazing and I love it! keep updating please!

I like it so far. :D
Keep writing!!

I love this story!
I demand that you update =P
So do it.
Please?

Ooh, Ed sounds like a dark, mysterious kind of guy.
I wonder what's so "bad" about him...

I suppose I'll find out next chapter, eh? :cute:
I love this story. It's quite wonderful!

I'm not familiar with Mitchell Davis, but that's okay, because what I am familiar with is how much I'm enjoying this story.

I'm from the Story/Review game thread, by the way. :cute:

I'm just going to do each of the chapters:

Chapter One
"You will never make it by yourself. Just look at you, wearing a Pokemon shirt and kitty slippers. You can't even dress like an adult!" My mother screamed at me when I walked into the kitchen to get a drink.

"Mom, I'm sixteen freakin' years old. I can dress whatever way I want to. The way I dress has nothing to do with my adulthood," I kept my cool just because I was so used to it by now.
A Pokemon shirt and kitty slippers? Sounds like how I dress. :tehe:

and that weekend, my mom listened to exactly what I said.
"And" should be capitalized.

My first class here, thank god it was art.
This may depend on your religion, but normally, "God" is capitalized.

"and who might you be?" She asked in a cheery tone, way too cheery for 6:30 in the morning.
Once again, "And" should be capitalized.

"I'm Harlowe Green, I just moved here," I told my new teacher.
I like that name. Harlowe. It's very pretty, and it rolls off the tongue when paired with the surname Green.

"Excellent! Well, why don't you tell the class a little bit about yourself," She waved towards the class who was still staring at me.
Shouldn't there be a question mark after "yourself"? I think that statement was a question, although I may be wrong.

"Well, my name is Harlowe, obviously, and I uh, like the color blue?" I said in a questioning tone, not knowing what to tell these strangers about myself. The whole class gave me weird looks, except for the boy who sat in the back corner. I heard him chuckle in the dead silence. It made me smile a little bit, knowing I at least amused somebody in this dead beat classroom.
Harlowe is already turning out to be an interesting character. She has the great potential to be very dynamic. This boy is also eye-catching. Good use of contrast between his laugh and the silence of the other students.

"Okay, not to be rude, but thank god I finally found someone with a sense of humor. Since I've been in this school, all I've seen is kids who either don't talk, or look like they want nothing to do with me," I told Mitchell as he started to sketch something.
Once again, "God" might need to be capitalized.

This has nothing to do with the story [ well, it does, somewhat ] but I just Googled Mitchell Davis and I am glad I did. :con:
Thank you for bringing him to my attention.

"Hey, let me see you're schedule really quick," He told me and I pulled it out of my back pocket, handing it to him.
"You're" should be "your."

Chapter Two
They are all either football players who have nothing better to do than talk about "the game" and rate the girls in the school. Yeah, that's not my idea of fun.
"Are" should be changed to "were" to fit the past tense you're using.
Also, you do carry on the either thought in the next paragraph, but the usage of "either" usually suggests that you will finish the comparison in the same sentence. It's not necessarily incorrect, just a bit off, so to speak.

I stared at the board intently as Mr. Grotting, my math teacher, scribbled his chicken scratch writing on the chalk board in front of me.
I got a good image of the teacher, just with that little line. :tehe:
Nice, subtle imagery is sometimes the best kind.

Chemistry, my worst subject.
I thought she was going to Biology? :think:

It was a pretty standard chaemistry lab.
Not only is "Chemistry" misspelled, but it should be Biology.

Throughout the end of the chapter, you switch from Chemistry to Biology.
You should probably pick one of the two.

The teacher smiled widely and accepting without a second thought.
"Accepting" should be "accepted."

I guess my style was okay, but nothing award winning.
I believe "Award-winning" should be hyphenated.

Then I looked down to his van clad feet.
"Van-clad" should probably be hyphenated as well, and "Van" should be capitalized, lest someone think that his feet were clad in an automobile.

You really doneed to tutor me in this if that's how simple it really is.
"Do" and "need" should be separated.

"Well, I make youtube videos."
"Youtube" should be capitalized.

I could tell I would love this kids sense of humor.
"Kid's," not "Kids."

Chapter Three
My grandparents had always lived in that perfect white house located right, smack in the middle of Oaken Road.
You don't need a comma after "Right."

Ethel, in her cheery, floral old lady type shirts cooking up something for me from when I get home. She's always got her hands in some sort of food, concocting a delicious snack of some sort.
Haha, concocting. That's a good way to describe Ethel, it brings out her personality in just a few words. Once again, you use subtle imagery adeptly.

I think he secretly just wants to be a thirty five year old construction worker.
"Thirty-five" needs to be hyphenated.

"Were in your room, sweetheart," They always use little nicknames like that for me and I absolutely adore it.
"We're," not "Were."

I wave my hand for Mitchell to follow.
"Waved," because you're writing in past tense.

"Who is your friend?" Ethel asks, eying up Mitchell. I couldn't help but laugh.

"This is Mitchell. He invited me over to his house, so I just came home to tell you I'm going out. Is that okay?" I ask Ethel as she starts walking towards us.
You slipped into present tense for a while there. It doesn't match the rest of the story.

"I would say just go, but you now how that old man gets worked up," Mitchell and I let out a hearty laugh.
"Now" should be "know."

"It's great to meet you two. Harlowe talks about you in the nicest ways," He tells them and I smile widely. They already knew how much I adored them, but I still let them know constantly.

"She's a great girl. I'm glad that you two have become friends," Ethel says as she rubs my arm.
Present tense again. Keep watch on your tense usage.

"Well, we're going to get out of here now. I'll see you two later," I gave them both a hug and me and Mitchell walked outside and out to his car.
"Me and Mitchell" should be "Mitchell and I."

"Ethel and Fred seem great," He says as we slide into his car.
Present tense, should be past.

"What do you mean?" Mitchell asks. I can feel little tears start to poke at my eyes, but I was definitely not about to let them come out now.
Present tense, should be past.

"So, what are you grandparents like?" I ask, trying to cheer up the conversation a bit.
"You" should be "Your," and the tense slipped again.

I couldn't help but to let out an 'aw' and smile at him. It's so refreshing to see a guy show actual love then try and hide it.
"Then" should be "Than."

"We're here," He says as he slows down to a stop. The engine cuts and we step out and head up to the cute house he lived in. We walked up the vibrant green grass and entered his house, walking straight toward his room. He put his things down then notioned for me to follow him.
The tense slipped again, from present straight to past, which is confusing.

Yeah, they're great. So, Kyle should be here soon; do you want me to show you the equipment while we wait for him?" He asks and I instantly shake my head affirmative.
Present tense, should be past.

He went over to his closet and pulled out a video camera, then placed it on his computer desk next to his slick looking mac computer.
"Slick-looking" should be hyphenated, and "Mac" should be capitalized.

"You have really nice eyes," Oh wow, did I really just say that? Mitchell turned off the camera as he laughed. Yes, I did just say that. It definitely wasn't a lie, but I didn't want to say it to him. At least, not now... and on camera.

"Thanks," He said as he smiled.

"Your welcome," I mumbled whilst trying to hide my creeping blush.
I liked that little part. Harlowe seems awkward in an amusing and very relatable way.
Also, "Your" should be "You're."

While I was just about to yell at Mitchell to not upload that video, Kyle burst through the door, a big ball of energy.

"Hey friend and new friend!" He was such a goober, I knew I would love him and his insane personality.
I really like Kyle. :XD
He's hilarious.

"I don't know. Har is the newest one on the boat, why doesn't she choose?" Kyle says while I laugh. Then I finally realize that I have to choose the next video and go blank. I've never made a video before and have no idea what they find funny in a video. I just think my hardest and finally just pull up an idea that sounds stupid, but say it anyway.

"Kyle seems like an adventurous guy, so why not 'Adventures With Kyle'" I suggest and they both look at each other and burst out into laughter. I knew it was a stupid idea and I shouldn't have said it.

"That's soperfect!" Mitchell cries out. I was shocked. Since when are my ideas perfect? The last time I checked, it was never.

"We are so doing that. But it's going to be Adventures with Kyle andHarlowe because she makes amazing video ideas!" I smiled from ear to ear and couldn't wait to make this.

"Well, what're we waiting for. We've got a video to make!" I excitedly exclaimed."
Okay, so a few mistakes in this one.
First, most of it is in present tense again.
Second, when she ends her suggestion about about the video, a question mark should be after "Adventures with Kyle."
Third, when you use italics, there is not a space between the italicized word and the following word. There should be.
Fourth, and finally, "What're we waiting for?" should have a question mark.

Chapter Four
"Why, to the best place in the world; Wendy's!" Mitchell exclaimed, making me break out into laughter. I guess Wendy's was the cool place to hang out in Ohio?
Wendy's, delightful. I repeat -- I love these characters. :lmfao

Mitchell turned on his camera and video taped a useless conversation between Kyle and I about Pokemon vs. Yugio, which clearly Pokemon wins, and we heard some kids started to get rowdy.
"Started" should be "Starting."

"A youtube video. Watch livelavalive!" Mitchell enthusiastically answered.

Go livelavalive!" The obnoxious kid screamed.
"Youtube" should be capitalized, a beginning quotation mark should be before "Go livelavalive."

Mitchell enthusiastically nodded his head, signally it would be fine for me to go back to his house.
"Signally" should be "Signaling."

But then out of no where it started getting into a really deep conversation.
"No where" should be "nowhere."

Before, talking about this used to make me tear up and get really upset, but just being with Mitchell made me feel comfortable. Even though I've only known him for today, I feel like I can be my complete self in front of him, without trying to hold back or something.
Aww, he makes her feel comfortable. :cute:
Usually, when people get attatched too quickly after just one day or so, like in some stories, it is a bit awkward and sudden, but the way you led up to this conversation made it sort of fit. That's refreshing.

I looked over to his mac to see what time it was. It was eleven o'clock at night. We had been talking for five hours. I couldn't believe it, the time just went by so smoothly.
"Mac" should be capitalized. And, five hours?! Holy canoly. That's quite a long time!

Okay, so that is the end of my Review.
Overall, this story is original, relatable, and full of extraordinary writing. I will definitely be subscribing. The only thing I suggest is that you re-read the chapters before you post them and pay extra attention to the tense you use. Other than that, you're doing a fabulous job.

Keep up the good work!

awee!
I love this!
:cute:
update for meee porfaavvoorrr?

ohmygoodness i love this! soooo cute!

True to my word, I posted a link to this story in the last chapter I updated.
lulz, Kyle has a minivan. that's so soccer mom-ish.
Update soon :cute:

aww :3 This is such a cute story! More!

This story is adorable!
I love the idea, and your an amazing writer.
Consider me a subscriber.
:)

aw, i like this story. (:
but smile.more.often is right. it went from bio to chem in ch 2. you might wanna go back and change that.

VADAKINS!
I LOVE ITTTTT.
:D
But believe that, in chapter two, the science they were doing was Chemistry, babe.
And when Mitchell's grandmother was making 'concoctions' it reminded me of us XD
I LOVE YOU AND THIS STORY!

Ahhhh! This story has Mitchell Davis! (Well durr)
ANYWAYS,I'm subscribing 'cause this story seems cool :]
Update soon?

Ah, i loves it ^_^
Gimmie gimme moree! xD

:D

I love this story!
More soon?
:cute:

Gah, i really love this story. I think I'm going to post a link to it in the author notes of my next update :cute:
update soon!

This story is freaking adorable Vada. :cute:
Cant wait for more. :tehe: