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  • Cristina Scabbia

    Cristina Scabbia (220)

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    Sorry for taking a while to leave feedback. I had to leave feedback for the winners of my contest, and last night I really wanted to get my entry for your contest finished. So here's your feedback for both updates.

    Thirteen
    I loved the opening, as always. It's all peaceful and relaxed and it's like the calm before the storm. The air smelt fresh, a gentle breeze drifted through the open window, it mixed with the sweet yet anonymous scent of the air freshener that had been sprayed around the room. The description was just...amazing, to put it lightly. I think that was some of your best writing ever, in my opinion.

    I liked how you made a big thing of her good mood. She had danced around her apartment all morning, cleaning. It's obvious that it's all to do with Nick, and it just gives the story such a happy feel, knowing that Charley finally feels a sense of belonging and worth. I think that's an important thing for her and I'm glad that Nick was able to show it her.

    Nick's feelings for Charley are very realistic. He had regretted it almost instantly, but at the same time he was glad he'd made that move. He regretted helping her clear out, but knew that if he hadn't, things might not be the way that they were now. And deep down inside himself I don't think he minds what he does, as long as it's with Charley. It shows how deep his feelings have really got for her.

    I liked the friendly argument between them. "You're not that famous, Nick. You're in a small time band. You're hardly The Beatles are you?" This made me giggle and the way she put it just made me smile, because she knew she'd be able to get away with it. :tehe: And I love how Nick's all optimistic about his band.

    I like it when Nick and Eric are together. :tehe: "Chuck did not beat me up!" Nick protested, still not moving from his lazy position on the sofa. They're like two children, constantly squabbling, but at the same time they come across as two very close individuals. They seem to know one another really well and Nick comes across as a person who makes a lot of effort when it comes to friendship and relationships.

    And then things start to fall apart, and the relaxed atmosphere suddenly diminishes. She chewed her lip, tears forming in her eyes. "For how long?" She's trying to stop herself from crying, trying to stop herself from being upset, but she can't help it because of how much Nick means to her. And she takes it out on Nick, which is sad. It's like all the barriers that he broke have been put back up again, and it's like they're back to square one again.

    Fourteen
    Perfect ending, I'd just like to state that before I continue. :tehe: You finished it perfectly, leaving it slightly open - the problem of him going on tour still stands - and I love open endings rather than when they're all tied up :XD It lets the reader make up their mind about what happens later on.

    It was sad how it started, with Charley feeling alone. Charley had woken up, her good mood tainted with a brush of loneliness. She's got used to Nick being around, and now that he's not with her any more she feels even more alone than she did when she started - because before she met Nick, she'd accepted her loneliness. I think this hurts her a lot that Nick is going.

    I liked how things didn't really go to plan throughout the whole story, and this sums things up completely. As much as she hated to admit it, her wish at the wishing fountain had failed her. I liked that line, it's like she's not living in a fairytale and that things like wishing wells don't really work. :tehe:

    I've got to admit that the next bit was a little hard to follow because the two parts weren't divided. Like, it went straight from Charley to Nick sat in the van, and for a moment I got confused and thought Charley was in the van and going on tour with them. I'm glad she didn't though, 'cause that's an awfully cliche thing to do. :lmfao

    This was good. Nick was going to miss the unpredictability of his days with Charley. It shows how different each day was to them, and that what they had was exciting and new.

    I love how knowing Eric is, and it shows how much he really knows Nick. Eric raised one dark eyebrow in thought. "We're going to the mall, aren't we?" He just says it without so much as a second thought, and it's obvious that he really knows his friend well, in order to be able to read him like that. It was very clever how you wrote him, I think Eric is my favourite character in the whole story :XD

    I dunno why but this made me laugh. Nick and Eric and a couple of other people she had never met before were standing amongst the mannequins. They're in the exact place that she doesn't expect them to be, and the fact they were standing amongst the mannequins is pretty significant because it's like they're mannequins themselves, except that they're living. Damn, I can't get across the point I want to. It made sense in my head. Disgust

    The ending was perfect. Nick lowered his face, meeting Charley's in the middle, the pair locked in a short, yet sweet kiss. And that was the best window display in the entire shopping centre. It was all smushy and sweet, and I actually grinned when I read it. It was the perfect way to end it so I salute you for that. :XD

    I loved this story, right from the start to finish.

    Sorry I wasn't prompt at leaving feedback though. I never seem to leave it on time. :tehe:

    :arms:
    April 22nd, 2009 at 08:22pm
  • Ashlee Simpson

    Ashlee Simpson (100)

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    Oh my gosh I can't believe that this is the end! Cry

    What I really love about your writing is your juxtaposing, like the sunny weather against Charley's foul mood. I love it because it's not clique at all, usually when the lead girl is sad it's raining buckets and the like.

    tainted with a brush of loneliness I adore that sentence, it's so honest and you really can get a clear feel for her emotions. But what I like about it is how it shows that Charley is determined not to let her situation bring her down, it's as if it's happened to her before. Which is obviously very sad but the fact that she gets out there and carries on doing her thing, shows she's very strong and admirable.

    What also has to be said for this story is how flawlessly you move in and out of character perspectives. It happens so smoothly and I really think that speaks out for your strength as a writer, that you can write amazingly well from other perspectives.

    I had a giggle at the description of the boys sitting in the van and trying to drown out each others singing. Nick is obviously looking to be distracted but it's really sweet how it's not working out at all for him, and then YAY he turns around! God bless his friends for being so understanding :tehe: I bet Eric is secretly jealous :XD

    I like it how both Nick and Charley think back to the time when they both stopped off at the wishing well, it's really telling of their affections and also shows that they are on the same brain length :tehe:

    I love how Nick and Charley meet again in the same way as the did before their relationship/friendship formed. It's such a sweet idea and shows how they have both come full circle and how manybe everything was just meant to be.

    But seriously AMAZING last line! It ties in SO well with everything you told us about the shop windows, how people notice and at the same time don't notice things. I really love that idea because Nick and Charley are very much real within your story, it shows that the best things in life are those which actually happen, not like the mannequins who aren't real and don't move. Does this even make sense?

    Totally beautiful way of ending it, couldn't have been more perfect Laura. If you do decide to write a sequel let me know. Seriously amazing stuff Laura

    In Love
    xxx
    April 20th, 2009 at 10:59pm
  • mmmxkkxthanks

    mmmxkkxthanks (100)

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    I loved this.
    The ending was perfect.
    :)
    April 20th, 2009 at 04:30am
  • Ashlee Simpson

    Ashlee Simpson (100)

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    In return for the beautifully epic comment on the David story, I hope this returns the favor :tehe:

    First off I love the symbolism at the start of chapter 12. Absolutely fantastic. All those other people shying away from the sun, but Charley and Nick choose to do the opposite. It's as if the sun highlights everyone and shows them to be who they really are, and by everyone hiding out, it's as if Nick and Charley want to show that they are comfortable with whom they are and they don't mind showing that people.

    I've said this before but I really love the growing bond between the two of them. He's gently helping her out but in a way that still gives her the feeling that she is in control.

    What's also really great is that Charley is finally admitting these feelings and in a way that's a sign of her growth and you've portrayed it so well and in a way that is very natural.

    But ooh my gosh! Nick seriously! How very much the gentleman! Excellent. Chuck had it coming. I really loved that part because obviously it shows just how strong Nick's feelings towards Charley are, and it clear shows how far he;s willing to go to stand up for her, which is all good for me. :cute: It reminds me slightly of galant old fairy tales but what I love about Charley is that she's clear no 'woe me' damsel in distress. Yes she needs someone but you do not make her needy, that is very refreshing.

    chapterr 13

    ooh my gosh what a chapter! you started off with this amazingly contented atmosphere. Charley's apartment was clean, possibly a reflection of how she now feels her life is organized and sorted?

    It's nice to see how Charley is finally admitting her feelings for Nick and for once letting herself be honest about her emotions I like the little reminder of how the two of them had been cleaning out her closet. It's like at first she really needed Nick to push her forward and make her take action, but now she's cleaning the kitchen on her own. It's a big step forward for her I reckon.

    And then BOOM you drop the bombshell!

    You can really feel the panic that sweeps through Charley and I think she's totally justified. The idea of her having to go through two months on her own is I find very upsetting. You can see how she's been struggling for a long time now with the loneliness and if Nick and Eric go I think it would hit her really hard. I love the way you always subtly link things throughout the chapters to the title. It's very effective as a theme.

    Oh my gosh the end Cry RUN AFTER HIM CHARLEY!

    I've gotten so attached to this story and I seriously think you've done an amazing job and you deserve all the stars and comments this has gotten and wayy more

    xxxx
    April 19th, 2009 at 10:29pm
  • foreverjanelle

    foreverjanelle (100)

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    so, this isn't a descriptive comment in the least, but i enjoy reading this immensely. :]
    April 19th, 2009 at 05:53am
  • mmmxkkxthanks

    mmmxkkxthanks (100)

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    Aw yay.
    I hate Chuck.
    Good job Nick. :)
    April 18th, 2009 at 04:57pm
  • Cristina Scabbia

    Cristina Scabbia (220)

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    While I remember - you're not allowed to put banners at the top of pages, it's against the rules. To put a banner in your story, you need to go and edit the layout - put the banner as the background url on the "chapter" heading, and then mess about with the padding so that you can see the banner. :weird

    Sorry it took me a little while to get this to you. I'm not the timeliest person when it comes to feedback. Sad

    Ooh, drama! Which was written beautifully, by the way. You've got a natural talent at writing drama, this part flowed really well and it wasn't awkward either. I've read a few stories where the writer has been good, but when it gets to a scene like the one in this update, it doesn't really work well. So well done on that part! :tehe:

    The opening was good, it lulls the reader into a false sense of security. It makes the whole part seem so relaxed at the start, what with the fact they're sat with sunlight pouring in through the skylights. I really liked that description, too. It was really beautiful. I also think that it's ironic they're sat in the sunlight, bringing attention to themselves, because that could be why Chuck noticed them, perhaps.

    I like how Nick's having an input on Charley's work, and how she takes his comments onboard. Don't have a white backdrop. It shows that he wants her displays to look really good, and he wants to give her confidence back, because he knows that one of her displays was ripped down.

    I like how quickly they've become friends. She'd worn a constant smile since she'd met Nick Santino. I liked that, it shows that they really enjoy each other's company and the fact that she's become her true self around him shows how much she trusts him because Charley doesn't seem like a person who let's her barrier around herself drop easily. I think she has to trust somebody completely before she lets them know what she's really like.

    The discussion about mannequins and mental institutions made me giggle. It made the part seem so light hearted and I think this was a good move because it really contrasts the two parts of this update - there's utmost calm and friendliness, and then it gets crazy and hostile.

    The introduction of Chuck was just...-shudder-. I don't like him, he makes me feel a little awkward. I love the way you've written him mind, he's so rude and sarcastic and I want to hit him. Luckily Nick did it for me! :tehe: I don't like how he makes Charley feel lower than low. I think he was looking for a reaction, but he got it from the wrong person - Nick - who lunged at him and hit him. The fact that Charley looked at them fighting in horror shows that she's not quite able to take in what's going on and shows that she's a bit worried for Nick.

    When they were taken out, it all seemed kinda real! Once they were outside, the guard gave Nick a warning, eying Charley suspiciously, before re entering the shopping centre. I liked that, the fact that the security guard eyed Charley too, as if it was her fault that it started - even though she wasn't involved in the fight.

    The optimism at the end was a perfect way to end this update. He was on Charley's good side, she was more than happy with him, and the butterflies had returned, and were currently dancing inside his stomach. I think that at first, Nick was worried about what Charley's reaction would be to the fact that he got into a fight with Chuck, but now that she was proud of him, he feels proud of himself and he doesn't seem to mind too much that he got hurt because he knows that he made Charley feel proud of him. He must really like her! :tehe:

    Great update! This was one of my favourites so far.
    April 18th, 2009 at 11:12am
  • BOOMshakalaka!

    BOOMshakalaka! (200)

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    Aww, so cute!!
    more please!!
    :)
    *groan*not another mention of twilight!
    April 17th, 2009 at 02:30pm
  • Cristina Scabbia

    Cristina Scabbia (220)

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    Great update. I dunno why you keep saying they're bad fillers because:
    a) They're not bad.
    and b) They're not fillers.

    Now I've got that out of the way, I'll leave you your feedback :tehe:

    This made me laugh. The glare illuminated three faces, two eagerly watching the intense love story unfolding before their eyes, the third looked incredibly bored, but was enduring it anyway. I'm sorry to quote all that but I felt it necessary. :tehe: It shows the contrast between your characters and it was a nice touch for not all of them to be enjoying the music. It shows differing tastes. A lesser author would have just had them all watching it, so I'm glad that there were differing opinions on the film.

    It amused me how Eric kept announcing that the film was just getting to the good bits. It emphasises his childlike qualities and shows just how much he's into the film. I like how he says it too, he's really enthralled with the film and wants everybody else to love it just as much as he does! :tehe:

    I love how you keep revisiting Nick's feelings for Charley. Butterflies began flapping around deep in the pit of his stomach. This was a really good description, and it shows how much he likes her, what with the fact that he can look at her and get butterflies. I think his devotion for her is stronger than he'd like to admit, and I think that the fact that he gets butterflies is cute.

    This was good, when Charley announces that Edward/Robert Pattinson isn't very good looking. She never ceased to surprise him. I liked that bit in particular, I think that Nick feels more relaxed because he doesn't have to compete with some celebrity from the television for her affections, if that makes sense? :tehe:

    John's entrance made me giggle a bit, what with the fact that he called them all vampires - ironic, since they were watching a vampire movie. His entrance was quite rude, too, what with the fact that he barged straight in, and I think it's quite reflective of his character. He seems to charge into things without thinking and I don't really like this. His character makes me feel a little uneasy, you've written him well and he's definitely a character to dislike. :XD

    The fact that Nick's all apologetic about John is so sweet. He's worried that she might get upset about him, and I also think that he's annoyed that John's there in case he tries something with Charley again. I think Nick feels threatened with John around when he's with Charley, which is why he's tried to avoid Nick at all costs.

    This was the point of the story when I nearly said "AWW" out loud. :tehe: He glanced down to see Charley's hand wrapped around his own. I think this is the starting point for Nick and Charley, and I liked how natural and subtle it was. I think the pair of them work best that way, so it's nice to see that they're taking baby steps with this. It suits them.

    The ending was absolutely adorable too.

    I'm really intrigued with the way it's panning out! I'm excited to see what's gonna happen next after reading your AN! Wow

    :arms:
    April 16th, 2009 at 07:44pm
  • Ashlee Simpson

    Ashlee Simpson (100)

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    I've missed two chapters again? Gaaah.
    OK well I'll try and make this uuuber long for you

    chapterr nine.
    I love how you described the dolls in the shop windows as trapped, it's like that's the metaphor for Charley's life, always trapped in this endless routine and maybe that's how your ace title fits it.

    It's good in a way to see her taking action and doing her homework, she obviously wants to shows Chuck what she's made out of and it's really good to see that determination come across.

    I must say I like the John bashing :tehe: it's also good for Nick because basically she's listening all the bad things about John and Nick is so totally the opposite of that she's paying him a compliment in a really subtle way. Nick's reaction is adorable, you can tell he really likes her, but he's being a gentleman about it all. Squeee. It's sweet that he's going to keep John away from her, it also shows what he's willing to do for her, seeing as he and John are friends. Not close friends but still.

    I still think that these chapters are ace by the way! you shouldn't think they are fillers because you're building up a relationship, it's not like in all those half arsed stories where the lead characters fall in love within the first two chapters. I love how you're writing it Laura.

    on to chapter ten!

    Bahaha they're watching Twilight! I love how Eric is really into it and Nick isn't :tehe:
    I like it how Nick really is putting Charley's needs first, and it's cute how his mission really is just to make her happy, and if she's happy then he is too. Lovely lovely stuff.

    Naaaaw seriously this is all far too cute for me I'm getting jealous. Like I said before I love how the attachment is growing and growing with each chapter it makes it all soo much more belivable. And it's great that you've added that awkwardness between John and Charley in, that could potentially cause more drama. But seriously I'm so excited for the next updates, especially as you've siad there's more drama! :tehe:

    Seriously amazing stuff here Laura.
    April 16th, 2009 at 05:09pm
  • mmmxkkxthanks

    mmmxkkxthanks (100)

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    They're so cute.
    I love it.
    I want a boy just like Nick.
    April 16th, 2009 at 06:28am
  • Cristina Scabbia

    Cristina Scabbia (220)

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    Well I'm stuck online because I'm downloading something and it says it's going to take an hour to download. So I might as well do something constructive with my time and I'm going to leave you some feedback, instead of procrastinating and doing it tomorrow instead. :XD

    Your descriptions are always so perfect. I love the detail you go into, and it's not detail overload too, so that's good. Sometimes it takes me a while to read long descriptive stories. Each painted desperate face seemed to scream for help, to be set free. I really liked this one in particular. It's like they're real people, but they're trapped as a mannequin and they're screaming to be set free. Clever imagery, very clever indeed.

    I think it's quite significant that she believes that the mannequins do nothing to sell the clothing - especially since she dresses them for a living. It's obvious that she's not living in a dream land and she knows that her job isn't necessarily important to how the shop runs. I think this is significant because she thinks that she's an outsider and a bit of a loner, and I think this is why she thinks her job doesn't really matter. Sad

    I like her thoughts on Chuck. Chuck Reynolds was a simple speck of dust, clouding her vision slightly, and she could easily brush him away whenever he drifted into her line of sight. He seems to be always on her mind, even when she's not in work, making her worry, so I'm glad that she wants to brush him away. She's right, he is only a speck of dust. And I'm glad she's going to ignore him from now on.

    I liked Nick's introduction, how he just sort of wanders in on her, carrying his guitar. And how he comes straight out and asks her how her date went. I'm glad that she told him that she didn't like John in that way, it was a twist that I honestly didn't expect - I honestly thought that Nick was going to just not mention it to her, and get all pissy with John. This is a much better choice for the story to go, in my opinion.

    I thought it was sweet how she views Nick and Eric. "I don't understand how someone as sweet as you, and as nice as Eric can stand to be friends with him." I really like how she viewed them, it's like she can see what they're like as people and I think it's sweet how she came out and said what she thought about the pair of them.

    This was very interesting from Nick. "I'll keep John away from you." I honestly don't think he's doing this for Charley's sake. He wants to keep John away from her because he doesn't want him trying to kiss Charley again, or anything. Nick wants to be the one kissing Charley and he doesn't want John to muscle in.

    Ace update! :arms:
    April 15th, 2009 at 12:47am
  • Cristina Scabbia

    Cristina Scabbia (220)

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    Ooh, wow. This is shaping up to be very interesting indeed! I'm hooked on this story and although I epically fail at leaving feedback on time, I love that you update so fast because I always want more! :tehe:

    I liked the start, where it's mentioned that the place was filled with happy couples. It's like John's chosen this place for a reason and I think that Charley is oblivious to it. I think it's significant how she's sat alone at the start and it re-emphasises the fact that she sees herself as an outsider and a bit of a loner, because she doesn't want to interact with the others in the bar, she's quite happy to sit isolated on her own which is quite sad.

    This line is the most important in the entire update. John O'Callaghan wasn't in the slightest bit special in Charley's eyes. It shows that she's not out looking for love with him, I think she just wants to sit down for a meal with a friendly face because she's tired of being all alone without a group of friends.

    Charley doesn't seem at ease with John, like she is with Nick. She's quite evasive, and even John notices this. This is nothing more than a budding friendship, about to blossom. I think he knows that she's wary about him, and he wants to push her a little out of her comfort zone.

    And cue the entrance of Eric and Nick! Oh dear! :tehe: I knew this wasn't going to end well before I even finished reading the update. And Nick immediately noticed them - I think he's got a little bit of a sixth sense when it comes to Charley and has a hidden connection - hence the fact he noticed her. It shows how in-tune he is with her.

    I like Eric and how easy he can read Nick. "Oh my good god, you like her don't you?"
    Nick whimpered to himself, not lifting his head off the table.     It shows that Nick sometimes wears his emotions for all to see, his feelings for Charley not being an exception. And the fact that he whimpered shows that he's really hurt by the fact that Charley is out with John - one of his friends.

    I really felt for Nick when I read this. Nick chewed his lip, a look of pure pain and sorrow slowly etched into his face. He's really fallen for her, and it shows. He feels bad that he didn't speak about his feelings for Charley with her earlier, because I think he did, but he was too scared of freaking her out which was why he kept quiet. I think he feels that he can't do anything right.

    Awesome update, as always! :arms:
    April 14th, 2009 at 09:01pm
  • mmmxkkxthanks

    mmmxkkxthanks (100)

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    oh no...poor Nick.
    And Charley.
    Oh man.
    I'm nervous for what's going to happen.
    Sorry I'm rambling.
    April 14th, 2009 at 06:14pm
  • Ashlee Simpson

    Ashlee Simpson (100)

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    I'm determined not to be late with feedback this time round!

    I love how you've started off with the location first, easing the reader in and all that. You're very good at setting the scene and putting the right kind of people into them so you can create a certain atmosphere. Nice work :cute:

    I don't like John at all in this update, and I think that might be your aim. The fact that he's late is just the beginning of it. I really don't think he's sincere. It's just about proving her wrong that's all. beginning to scan what was on offer for him tonight somehow that line is really ominous, it's as if he's checking out how much he's going to get tonight. It's slightly perverted, but here's me reading too much into a line again :tehe: But back to the whole insincere thing, you can really tell that by the way you've said this sentence John plastered a look of sincerity onto his face. It's as if everything is an act.

    Aaaaah such a bad coincidence that Nick and Eric both walk in at the same time! But oooh wait. Didn't John say he had problems with Eric? Why is Eric now out with Nick? Oooh John's hiding something.

    It's so sad that Nick sees the two of them together and you can tell he really likes her by the way he reacts to Eric's questions. If he'd stayed a little bit longer he would have seen Charley run out on John. Here's me hoping they bump into each other outside the restaurant.

    Lovely update once again, I'm hooked :tehe:
    April 14th, 2009 at 06:00pm
  • failure by design.

    failure by design. (105)

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    I don't care about the being bombarded with updates. :)
    I lovelovelove this story and it gives me something to do.
    Keep writing!
    :D

    PS: I can't wait for the next one.
    April 14th, 2009 at 12:11am
  • Cristina Scabbia

    Cristina Scabbia (220)

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    Oh dear me, it appears that I have four parts to comment on! I did warn you that I'm not good at feedbacking on time, but I was off mibba for a few days so that's my excuse. :tehe: Well I'm starting this review tonight. I've got an hour before I go to bed, I'll see if I can get it done in an hour but if not I'll get up a little earlier tomorrow morning and finish it off for you. :arms:

    Part Five
    I always love your openings for parts, they really set the scene for the part and I think that's important. You always clarify the situation in the first part and I really like that because it helps me picture the scene and work out what the situation is going to be for the part. I love how you do that. In Love

    I like how Charley makes up situations. She carefully studied the scenes unfolding around them, making up scenarios in her head for some of the more interesting beings. It shows that her mind is elsewhere from the meeting she's having with Nick, and she's trying to take her mind off things by considering other people and how they live their lives. That's quite an interesting thing to consider - she makes lives for mannequins (by dressing them in clothes and putting them in situations) and she does the same for living people (as in she puts them into situations). That's really interesting about her character.

    I like the way that Nick casually asks Charley why she has more than an hour to spare. He doesn't barge right in and say it, and tries to make friendly conversation. It's obvious that he's quite a thoughtful person and thinks things through before he does them - he doesn't want to dive straight in at the deep end which is good.

    I think it's sad how Charley describes herself as not having the balls to stand up to her boss. I think she's quite self conscious and worries a lot about what other people think about her, so she thinks that keeping quiet and not telling people things will help her in the long run.

    This was a strong line. Nick's arms twitched, he was dying to hug her tightly, he wanted to be her shoulder to cry on, someone she could talk to. It makes me just want to go AWWW because he's such a sweetheart. He doesn't really know her all that well and he wants to be something more to her than just that random guy who popped up when she was supposed to be working. I know how Nick feels about being in a situation like that, too.

    Their wishes were really adorable and they were both a little sad. Charley doesn't want to fall for Nick - maybe she's scared of commitment? - and Nick just wants to be a shoulder for her to cry on. I think that's a crucial thing about him - he doesn't wish to be her boyfriend or anything, he just wants her to feel better.

    Great update. Now onto part six! :tehe:

    Part Six
    I liked this one too. Pfft, I think I say this at the start of all the feedback I leave. Let's just say that it's all good and be done with it. :hand:

    This line was so sad. There was nothing to wake up for the next morning. It's like she feels that now her job is on a hiatus, so to say, she's got nothing to live for, and wants to just hide under her duvet, and hide from everything else in her life. But she can't quite manage it and she just lays there, wondering what to do with herself. It makes me feel so sorry for her.

    And how she convinces herself that she's jobless. She comes across as a little bit pessimistic in this part but I guess she has the right to because she potentially has no job.

    I'm glad that she got to keep her job though, and that she only got ten days suspension rather than fourteen days. But still, ten days is quite a long time for her and she's obviously worried about how things will be when she returns and such.

    The entry of Nick was nicely done. It seems really relaxed between the pair of them and they come across as being happy in being each other's company. I'm worried with what you said in the author's note though! omgno: I hope everything will be okay, I'm a sucker for happy smushy stories. :weird

    Riiight. Well I'm off to bed now. I'll leave feedback for the next two parts hopefully tomorrow morning. :arms:

    LOOKS LIKE I FAILED. BECAUSE IT'S NOW QUARTER TO EIGHT AT NIGHT. :grr:

    Part Seven
    I liked the interaction between Charley and Nick in this part, and I liked the opening - Nick had persuaded Charley to do something productive with her time, and so that came in the form of sorting out her wardrobe. Nick was regretting opening his mouth already. This made me giggle and it shows how much Charley cares about clothes - she dresses mannequins as a job and knows what matches and what doesn't, and she knows what's in fashion and what isn't.

    I loved that Nick had a look of horror on his face! :tehe: It shows that he's genuinely shocked at the amount of clothes that she has, and it's amusing how he wonders how she fits all her clothes in there. Her explanation was good too, and it shows that she's quite organised because she has a system of where her clothes go in there.

    This description was one of my favourites in the entire story, so far. She had him under some sort of spell. Whenever she spoke, the hair on the back of his neck stood on end, and chills shot down his spine. That description of how he felt was perfect and it's something I can really imagine. The imagery was really realistic and I can really understand how he feels. And the fact that she has him under a spell is interesting. I liked that, a lot.

    When she speaks about having no friends, it makes me feel so sorry for her. She seems to be a bit of an outsider - this is evident with her work because she'd prefer to be dressing mannequins (who aren't alive) rather than doing something behind a till, for instance. She feels quite self-conscious also - she describes herself as boring which is quite sad. I think that being an outsider has really taken its toll on her and she worries about how she comes across to people.

    I'm glad she found happiness at the end of the part with Nick's hug. In Love

    I think this part is my favourite so far.

    Oh, and thanks for the link to Nina and mine's joint story! You're the only person who commented it this time around, though. I'd just like to add that your comment was totally worth it so it doesn't matter. :tehe:

    Part Eight
    Again, I love how you set the scene for each part. The fact that the shopping centre is empty is quite significant and I think that Charley feels a little exposed going back because she can't hide from the shop she works in, in a crowd of people. She just stands out and I think this scares her a little.

    Like when she's standing with Nick and his friends, she feels like the odd one out because they're all joking about and she doesn't quite know what to say. I think this emphasises the fact that she's an outsider because it's like she feels that she doesn't belong in this group of people. Like, Nick includes her but she still has her barrier up and she can't fully assosiate herself with everybody. Which is really sad. Sad

    John and Eric with the CD was funny. It amused me how cocky John was about his CD - John replaced his frown with a grin. "My band, The Maine, we're pretty good." and Charley's response was funny, what with telling him that he's blowing his own trumpet. I loved his feigned innocence, too. :tehe:

    And ooh, drama at the end with John asking her on a date! I can't wait to see how this turns out and how this will affect Nick because I know how badly he's fallen for her.

    I'm hooked on this story, I can't wait for more! Sorry about the long wait for feedback. Sad

    :arms:
    April 13th, 2009 at 09:17pm
  • mmmxkkxthanks

    mmmxkkxthanks (100)

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    OH man.
    I hope Nick doesn't get upset.
    April 13th, 2009 at 05:16pm
  • Ashlee Simpson

    Ashlee Simpson (100)

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    gosh I suck at reading and commenting your updates! So expect another looong comment :tehe:

    It's sad how when Charley did have work she felt like there was no point to her days, but now it's especially sad that she wakes up and doesn't even have the obligation of needing to go to work. It's like now she really has nothing,

    I don't know if you were aiming for this, but I'm reminded of a fairytale like thing, where Charley is just waiting for someone to rescue her and get her out of her boring days. But what I love about the way you're written, is that you haven't made her pitiable at all. I think that a lot of readers are going to be able to sympathize with her.

    I like the way you're describing the growing attachment of Charley to Nick, it's very sweet and genuine.

    You can tell that Charley is desperate to do something and keep her mind off things by the fact she's writing a mental 'to do list' when it seems pretty obvious that there's nothing she needs to be going.

    Bahaha Nick is such a sweetie stalking her home. I think it's nice to see the lengths his going to to check up on her it's really rather endearing, especially as Charley has such a cool approach towards him for now.

    I think it's great that you're taking your time building up their relationship and showing it's growth. You're doing a fantastic job Laura.

    on to chapter 7!

    Hahaha I love that nick actually volunteered a girl with helping sort out her wardrobe. clever guys don't do that :tehe: no I think it's cute because once again it really shows his dedication and just that he really wants to spend time with her. It's also sweet how he's critiquing certain bits of clothing. Tres macho Nick :tehe:

    I like how they can both be so honest, him asking her right out why she's lonely and her actually giving him a straight answer. I also think it's really significant that she isn't pushing him away, despite what she says. But maybe that comes in later and maybe you can actually see her doing that when she says yes to going on a date with John... I think I'm reading too much into this.

    I loved the end of this chapter In Love I think it's great that you showed how you can be 'average' and still be loved and adored. You are showing that the idolized and sparkly girls don't always win :tehe: love it.

    chapterrr 8

    I like it how you manage to balance out the emotional issues with humor like with John ordering Eric to buy CSWS :tehe: such a John thing to do. I'll bet he'll steal Eric's copy of Twilight.

    It's interesting to see Charley be jealous over Eric and John's friendship, it shows how long she really has been in isolation and how all she really wants is someone whom she can tell everything to.

    Bahaha John seems a little keen/desperate. :tehe: love him really. It's cute how Charley looks out to Nick first. I'm totally intrigued now. Gaaaah I love this story. In fact I love it so much I'm going to make you a banner. :tehe:
    April 13th, 2009 at 04:24pm
  • BOOMshakalaka!

    BOOMshakalaka! (200)

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    love this story! The girls personality reminds me of myself!!
    more soon please
    :)
    April 12th, 2009 at 11:58pm
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