July 20th, 2009 at 02:09pm
Wow. Fuck. It was just so...so real. Like, the imagery I can see it all. A fucking clear as picture in my head. The narrator's in her outfit, falling asleep on her bed. Demi laying in her coffin is maybe the clearest for me. So bright.
:cheese: I really suck at reviews, but, daaamn that was awesome.
I wanted to start with the narration of this story. I love that it was taken from a females perspective, and I love that we don’t even really know who she is. I love how this girl thinks and the words she uses and the way she puts them together in sentences. The first paragraph is my favourite, because it pieces words together like it’s an art and it just pulls the reader in. I like how the narrator puts in swear words as well. Because they aren’t really needed in some places that she puts them in, and we as readers can see that, but because it’s her we also know that that’s how she speaks and thinks and that it’s part of her personality.
She had skinny legs and tiny hands and brown eyes. I love this line. The starting line and it seems admiring and also fast and slow at the same time. When I take out commas and just replace them with ‘and’ I always think of a character saying something really fast or just trying to get it out, but yours I read slowly, like she was saying it slowly and it just fit. I knew straight away that this character started forming in my mind.
She was the shining goddess of the druggie scene. I also love, love, LOVE this line. Mostly for the part of the vocabulary that is used in it. ‘shining goddess’ and ‘druggie scene’ have got to be the two most amazingly possible things you could marry together in a sentence. And it’s one of those lines that stick in your mind. It’s my favourite from this piece.
I called her Marie for two weeks before someone told me that her real name was Demi. This guy, Joe, had just leaned over and whispered, “You know her name’s not Marie, right?” You know how certain lines become famous from stories? I’ve decided that this line would be your stories famous line. It’s so clever. The structure of it just flows beautifully from one part to the next.
I didn’t stick out enough, I decided one night as I stared at my ceiling, thinking of her dancing and twirling in a pinstriped dress or tight, tight jeans. It’s sad, almost, that she has to compare herself to a very popular, drugged up girl, who has her own style. She thinks she’s not attention catching enough for Demi.
…and spent all of Friday trying it all on and taking it all off. This is so realistic, because I do this all the time. And I can just see her trying it on each time trying to get everything more and more perfect.
my elaborate appearance all to impress Demi - waiting for him to speak as I stared into my own eyes. I was pretty much crying by this point, because you knew, you knew, what was going to happen, and I’m just thinking of this girl all dressed up to impress someone and that person isn’t… alive. She’ll never see it. And this girl knows that it’s going to be something along these lines. She knows it’s something serious. It’s so…god I can’t even describe. My heart hurts for her.
She was high, high on coke and weed and her own youth and beauty. Once again, I’m going to say how absolutely amazing the sentence structure is. There are no commas just ‘ands’ and it’s so flowing. I also like how you’ve included that she was high on drugs and on ‘youth and beauty’. It’s so, at the risk of sounding stereotypical and cliché, popular teenage girl. And it’s definitely something that I can see the female character thinking.
she’d rather have a zebra print coffin than the sleek black box her parents stuck her in. That’s really strong. The way she wears colourful clothes and then comments on how she would’ve known what kind of coffin Demi wanted when her parents didn’t even know. It’s like she’s convinced, and she probably does, know Demi better than everyone else just from watching her from afar or exchanging winks.
Joe finally pulled away, overcome with emotion, and we walked away from Demi’s body hand in hand. I love how you’ve ended this. She needed Joe to pull her away from Demi because if her hadn’t move then she probably would’ve stayed there for as long as she could. That’s beautiful.
This is a beautiful piece, Vonn. You should be so proud of writing this; it’s one of my favourites on here.