Promises - Comments

Story/Review.

As I started reading this, I thought you could have told the story in a more... mysterious way. You seem to gush out the imformation as if it were a procedure, and there didn't seem to be any emotion behind it. Of course, the fans would be devastated.It just was a bit lacklustre, you know?

I thought the character of Jacob could have been built upon more. The way he was introduced in relation to your narrator - it seemed really unrealistic that he'd drop his whole life to save this one girl. I mean, he sees people die every day. Why her? Why was she special?

vacant thoughts has said most of what I picked up on, so I doubt you need to hear them again. I know you said it wasn't based on Twilight, but this reminded me a great deal of the part in that series where Carlisle falls in love with Esme and saves her from dying in the hospital.

I think you need to read through and rephrase some things - add commas, that kind of thing, but otherwise your grammar isn't bad. I would have added more detail, personally, because as I said before the piece was a bit lacking in colour. For instance, when Jacob bites her - the word 'pain' doesn't tell me much at all. Does it burn, sting, ache? Can she compare it to anything she's felt before? What's running through her mind?

She seems to accept her fate too easily. One second she's mad, next she's okay again. I think your characterisation needs a bit of work - try and get inside your character's head a bit more.

Overall, I think you have potential to improve this, you just need to work on it. If you plan on making it chaptered, try and make character sheets to really get at what your character is thinking. I think supernatural fictions like this are a great excuse to totally go wild with your own world, so go wild with it, and good luck. :)

Story/Review Contest

I'm not really digging the summary.

But that's about all I can say to the point where I don't like this.

You've got a few grammatical issues but just going through this you should be able to find them, and I'm pretty sure the commenter above me has listed them for you already.

This is really something that sucks you in. It's one of those easy reads, the ones where you don't want to stop simply because it's so good to read.

You did very well in your descriptions, and having written this simply in creative writing class, that's a good step. :)

I think you did a lovely job on this and I'm sorry I couldn't give you more to work with. This review is crap but I'm having trouble thinking of anything to really say to you to improve this.

Story/ Review Game:
Right so, I feel the need to tell you that I normally just review as I read, but your story sucked me in (no pun intended) to the point where I simply couldn’t. Bravo, little lady, Bravo. :cute:

Okay, I’m going to start with the concrit and then go ahead into the complimenting. :cute:

I feel that I should point out that as I read through the story, I couldn’t help but notice that it was very Twilight-ish. The main character is cooler, obviously, but the Vampire characteristics are basically the same and the way the main character changes is also very similar (on a medically induced deathbed, etc.)

I also felt that the changing of Audrina was slightly forced. I felt like Jacob could have told her what he was going to do before he did it, and that maybe she could have been a bit more realistically frightened of him – you know?

Similarly, in the pond-side scene when she wakes up I felt that her outrage was forced, that she could have been more confused and more…just pissed off. I felt that she was making quite a leap when she automatically assumed VAMPIRE, you know? Maybe she could have jumped to some human solutions first, like rapists with drugs or psychotic med students and then he had to point out all those symptoms of vampirism which leads to her revelation? I think that would make a bit more sense.

Similarly, in the beginning when she talks about her band – it would have been cool for you to talk a bit more about that. Go into a bit of detail about how close she is to her band members and why (maybe they met in High school or something os they’re super close) and about how influential their band is (like are the MCR big or NeverShoutNever big?). That would have helped make Audrina a bit less of a mystery and definitely more relatable.

Also, in the very beginning when she is first talking to Jacob she calls him Nathanial (I think she’s talking to him) and it was a tad confusing.
“N-nathaniel,” I muttered

Similarly, in this sentence here:
Suddenly, what was definitely the worst pain ever surged through every ounce of my being.
“Definitely” really threw off the vibe here. Maybe you could have used “excruciating” or something of the like.

That’s about it, really. Now for your COMPLIMENTS! Yay!

Your character Audrina is very well put together, she’s relatable and she’s cool – not a wimp or anything like that. I really enjoyed reading her thoughts and she just really caught my attention.

“You’re lying,” he chuckled, then pressed his hand over my mouth. He pushed my against the bed, his mouth drew towards my neck and I felt his teeth graze my skin. Suddenly, what was definitely the worst pain ever surged through every ounce of my being. I tried not to scream, but the pain was unbearable. My body strained and I soon blacked out from the pain.
You described this so well. Congratulations. This was very visual – I could almost see the way her body tenses and fights against the pain. Well done!

So anyway – like I said. You captured my attention right off the bat with this and I am VERY excited for more. I seriously think that you post more to this. I could see a story coming from this and I’d be interested to read more. I think you’ve set yourself up perfectly for a continuation. :cute:

I will be surprised if you don't get an 'A!'
This was really good :)