Collision Course - Comments

  • Ashlee Simpson

    Ashlee Simpson (100)

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    CONGRATULATIONS
    You have just cordially been awarded second place for the 'Dear Jack' contest

    Oooh Laura you chose my most loved Jack's song so I knew even before I read the first line that I was going to love it.

    I really liked the fact that there were clear references to the song and that you took the ideas of the song but then made them yours and kept them original. I must say I'm glad you chose not to write it directly about Andrew and his battle with cancer and having it from a girls point of view was fantastic too.

    Once again your descriptive writing wins at everything. The scene in the subway is so effectively described and not at all clique. I like how you keep it quite simple by not going overboard as that could have ruined it, I could really sense the claustrophobia and this line seriously rattled me The stench of death still tingled her nostrils, the memory of the toxic fumes still suffocated her. SO so so effective.

    I really enjoyed the back story to Justine and how she deals with the aftermath of the attacks, once again it's not at all clique and I love how you didn't explicitly state how she cried. In a way having a character shut off like that was interesting to read and I reckon you created another really original character, who is very much human and you can see that when it says It was December twentieth when Justine finally snapped

    I loved the reunion with John, it was very touching and I loved how you underplayed it slightly by giving John a grand total of two words. Other people would have had one of those big speeches but no not you, and I rally liked that.

    Of course finishing it with the most important line from that song was a fantastic idea, and it rounded it off well.

    So thank you very much for entering the contest and writing this for me.
    Get in touch so you can claim your prize ok?
    June 1st, 2009 at 12:33am
  • Cristina Scabbia

    Cristina Scabbia (220)

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    Review number two! I'm on a roll! :tehe: I'm in a reviewing mood tonight so thought I'd do a few of your stories. :tehe:

    I liked how you wrote this. You've got a real knack of making believeable characters and you can really get into their heads and show what they're thinking. It shows what a great writer you are and the fact that you can do this so consistently in every story you write really shows off your talent. :arms:

    The way you constructed this was really clever, too. Like, it was present-day at the start. Then it went a year back in time. And then it was back to present-day, to resolve everything. That was really clever, I like it when stories revisit the start at the end.

    I love the optimism in the opening. The warm winter air was like heaven against her skin. I thought it was clever how you wrote this, because a lot of this oneshot is quite angsty and filled with dark emotion. It gives the reader hope, and it lifts the oneshot up a bit, so it's not really sad all the way through. And I liked that. Although I love sad stories, I like when there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Like there was at the end of this. In Love

    In the first paragraph, this line really stood out to me. She was looking forward to being taken care of, and not having anything left to worry about. It made me wonder what had happened in order to make her worry and be unable to live a life that she really wanted to. And the fact that she was excited made me smile, for some reason. :tehe:

    I suddenly felt sorry for her when it was all revealed about her situation, the fact that she'd been a part of the terrorist attacks in New York. That must have been really scary for her, not knowing if she'd survive or not, and it would take a very strong person to come out of the other side, which she managed to in the end. Like, she's not the same person she used to be - memories of that horrific and tragic day were imprinted on her memory - but she's strong for getting past it all, even if she has been mentally scarred by it all.

    And this reiterates what I just said. the sound still rung inside her ears She still remembers exactly what happened, as if it was yesterday, and I have a feeling that it's not something she can escape from. It's something that she'll always live with and although she's over the worst of it, she'll never be completely free of the fear, and the worry of wondering whether she'd survive or not. It must have been terrifying.

    I thought this was ironic. She was on her way to becoming a doctor. I thought the fact that she was going to be a doctor quite symbolic because of the fact that so many people lost their lives and it was like she was helpless to them. It makes me wonder whether that's one of the reasons why this has haunted her so much and made her unable to cope.

    And then she hid away, which made me sad. The thought of facing up to it chilled her to the bone. She doesn't want to face up to the fact that she many people died so she hid herself away, in the hope that one day she'd wake up and it would all be a bad dream, that it had all just been a nightmare and it all hadn't happened. But I think that she knows deep down inside herself that she couldn't hide forever.

    I liked the way this was described. It was December twentieth when Justine finally snapped. The way you used the word snapped implies that she knew things couldn't go on that way. And so she took matters into her hands and booked a flight home. This was good and made me feel happy because it's obvious that she needs somebody to help her, and by going home she'd get the help and reassurance that she needs.

    It was good how you touched on her fear still being there. She swallowed two sleeping pills and slept deeply through the flight. Like, she didn't just wake up one morning and all her fear was all gone. It has to be done in baby steps, especially with something as big as this, and I'm glad that you mentioned this because it makes the story so much more realistic.

    The ending of the story, when she returns to John, was absolutely perfect. He was the one who was going to erase the bad memories and replace them with shiny, new, good ones. She has hope in John and she's really missed him. I think he's somebody she's really relied on in the past, and he's also somebody that she'll be able to rely on in times to come. It's sweet that he's able to do that and it shows that he must be a really great person to her.

    Adored this. If this doesn't win then I'll be very surprised.
    May 4th, 2009 at 10:20pm
  • The Master

    The Master (15)

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    I haven't so much reviewed this but analyzed and reviewed it. Nice and through. Besides, I need the practice!

    On the first read-through, I felt that the story was very good: describing the effects of a terrorist attack and how it just doesn't end on the next day. The imagery was sparse but not lacking really. I felt there was more to give - far more to her story. To one day decide to go home seems a little off. Yes, to desire to go home would be a natural response but in Justine's state, it just seems a little off - like she would have needed more persuasion. But, I did enjoy it.

    I believe that the story dealt with two key themes: life/death and forgiveness. I will now analyze these.

    Death takes a large part of your main semantic fields. Even back home, she feels the air is of “Heaven” and she held onto John “held onto him for dear life". This is to say that death isn't always doom and gloom but you have that epoch of joy if you believe in some sort of afterlife - almost Christian in terms. You can really compare this of the “stench of death” and “toxic fumes” that reminds one so much of the stench of Hell - brimstone and sulphur. Even describing the resulting trauma as a “rare disease” shows that inkling that this caused some psychological death. Naturally, “chilled her to the bone” is an extension of this idea. Also, an interesting point is the separation of the DVDs. Is this her separating her life into good and bad segments? Is this a metaphor for judgment? I found it highly poignant in an unintentional way. This semantic field hammers home the death sequence: that it wasn't only the dead who died that day, it was other people to who died a death at such a traumatic event and that there are layers of death that must be shed.

    As far as life is concerned, I think this is best summed up in the contrast between 'home' and...Err...not home. The flat is barely described like it barely exists (is that a point between existing, living and death? Was she like a ghost?) Whereas home sparkles and feels warm and full and protected, like nothing could hurt you. You fall asleep and is woken up by a lovely 'angel' almost. Is home Heaven or a form of Heaven? To be met by John (name of a saint) could be a possible interpretation. Also, the irony of what her ambition in life is: a doctor who must deal with life and death. Is this showing her inadequacy in her post or is this a bigger metaphor, showing that she cannot live in a dead city? What is a doctor but an everyday hero? This could be a nice implication of her character: she couldn't save people when it mattered so she feels guilty for this?

    To really get the teeth into forgiveness, I think splitting up the story into complication and resolution is very helpful. The complication? Justine's life stops when she lives when others die. The resolution is going home to John. Is John a friend? A brother? A lover? In the context, I prefer that you haven't explicitly said but I like to think of him as a lover. Also, let's analyze (for fun) the names of said characters. John means "God is gracious" which means forgiving - sort of. John could be the incarnation of resolution. Justine means "justice" so is her sight on justice and what is right and wrong blinded by this attack, feeling that if she cannot live when she has been allowed to live that she is unworthy of life and needs that resolution?

    Either way, I think you've really cleverly made this not only a simplistic in style story about love and loss, but what can be interpreted as a sort of Hell, purgatory and Heaven story to the point I started to wonder if she was a survivor of the attack at all and this is all some sort of background, this is a metaphor for Heaven: Heaven is what you perceive as Heaven.

    So...uh...awesome!
    April 18th, 2009 at 04:39pm