One word; amazing :]
May 17th, 2009 at 10:10pm
Ooh, well the first thing that struck me about this story was the layout. It's quite dark and ominous, and I liked the image of the flowers in the window. I believe it suited the oneshot really well and it fit the mood of it. The name of the oneshot was good, too. It fits in well with everything and the work that you've put into this really shows.
I like how mysterious it starts out as. A dusty window attempts to shield a sleeping figure from the outside world. I think it's quite symbolic of the whole story that the window is dusty. It's like it's tainted a little. One day it used to be clean, but things have deteriorated and now it's dusty and tainted. I liked that description a lot, it was really clever.
It's really clever how you've written Ryan. He comes across as a broken person. The lump shudders, is still, and then returns to the irregular routine of sleep. The fact that he's described as a lump, rather than a person, is quite sad and I think this is how he views himself - just as a lump. And his sleep is irregular - he's obviously got a lot on his mind and has trouble sleeping, if it's irregular.
I really like how you keep revisiting the fact that the room is dirty. a carpet that can’t remember seeing a vacuum cleaner I think it's clever how things like this are mentioned and it shows that Ryan doesn't really care about anything right now - he just wants to lay there and he doesn't care if things get dirty or anything. Which is quite sad that he's lost that respect for his surroundings, I think it's like he's trapped in his bed, somehow.
I liked how both men's words were both the other's name, and just one word. I think it makes it a lot more real, and although one-word dialogue doesn't often work, it really worked well with this story and I liked the way it stood out. It's sort of like, the name they spoke was the name of the thing that means the most to them. I liked the way you did that.
I think the little things are most important in this story. Brendon’s hands finally find the courage to travel up to his best friend’s hair, pushing under his fringe to move it from his forehead. The little details like this always keep the story together and in my opinion helps the story to flow better - it adds little bits to the story that keep the reader's interest, if that makes sense.
This shows that Ryan is basically just trying to hide himself away from the world. The younger boy smiles to disguise his true emotions. He wants to disguise everything. That could partly be why everything is dirty; he wants to disguise himself behind an image that isn't what he used to be like. And he disguises himself under the duvet, too. He seems like such a tortured character and I think that Brendon is at a bit of a loss as to what to do about it all.
Brendon's reaction to Ryan was really realistic. “Can’t believe you’re trying to look after me,” Brendon answers finally. It's obvious that Ryan has confused him slightly, and I think that he feels a little bit awkward, due to the fact he answered "finally", rather than answering straight away. It gives the impression that he took a long time to think things over before he spoke.
And it's the way that Ryan just won't let it go that's the saddest thing of all. “I’ll be fine,” Ryan persists. It's the fact that he "persists", it's like he's relentless and won't stop.
This was just mindblowing. Brendon’s universe comes crashing down over his head with a dizzying force. The way that described was just...it was like I could feel it too. I absolutely adore your writing style throughout this, and the description is this part was phenomenal. I think that's my favourite thing that you've ever written, that sentence, and I think that's gonna stick in my head for weeks. I'm sorry this paragraph was just babbling about your description but I loved it. So much.
The way you ended it was great. Especially the last sentence. The hand that Brendon held reaches up to clutch his chest in an unseen gesture of love and pain, and as the taxi cab pulls away from the house and down the road, the boy under the duvet is still. Sorry to quote that much. I think this was a beautiful way to end it all. It shows how much he cares for Ryan, and how much he hurts when he has to leave. It makes me feel sad. This ending worked well, a lot better than a happy ending would.
Really well written, sorry it took me an age to review. :twitch:
