Intertwined - Comments

Thanks for the Comment, and thanks a mill for the proper critisism, this is the kind of stuff we can learn from, in oposition to; I love/hate this! The end.

We tried to make it so it seems like a normall progressing plot, taking long enough to leave you wanting without it getting too boring, hope that worked.
As for the rest, we do definitly aim to improve in the rest of the chapters, so I once again, hope that worked/works.

If you have time, we would like comments and critisism on the other chapters.
Especially if it'll be as detailed as this.

Once again thanks.

~'Dance, 'caus war got old.

okay, so i never really understood what their situation was, or what they are, really, but i'll do my best to critique :]

first of all, it would be better if you didn't describe them outright, in the first few paragraphs immediately. it's almost very amateurish, to tell and not show. you can reveal little bits about their character and appearance as it goes on, in just one go. it makes the characters seem two-dimensional, and character development is always good.

Lonmar was average height, black hair in a bowl cut and in his fringe, two white stripes, he had a pale complexion with gray eyes, and a muscular build. See here, it's almost Gary-Sue ish. Like a "perfect" character. You can describe them by revealing all of these bit by bit, for example in a part of your story:

"...This is life and all there is too it." Lonmar frowned, creasing the corners of his pale face, black hair moving slightly as he shrugged and returned to his drawing.

See the difference? The description is natural, and it makes them seem more realistic as characters too.

As for everything else, this was actually well-written, with good grammar, enough description, and an all right narration. The description is simplistic and borders on common at times, and not my type, but it wasn't half-bad either. Props too for not making a girl and guy immediately be a couple just because they're always together. For a first chapter, though, it's a bit lacking. Whether in making it intriguing or making everyone connect to your characters to keep them reading, it kind of lacks something, but that can easily be fixed with your potential. It's vague, and you want to at least leave enough clues to keep the reader guessing, not make them go "I don't get it, to hell with it." Make it worthwhile.

Good luck with this, you two