April 4th, 2010 at 02:00pm
First off, dear, this is amazing for being out of your element. I would never have guessed it was if you hadn't had pointed it out.
I could careless if a house burned down and every member died. Yes, it was a pity, but it happened; no use crying over spilled milk.
This bit shows how cynic the main character really is without going into a whole 'and she was cynic like a porcupine in a balloon factory who had 30 seconds to get out without popping any balloons or else he'd die.' It just perfectly showed it. Also, it truly showed how much she changed by the end of the story.
Nuns were like penguins, I swear. They walk around in little lines, saying God Bless You.
I absolutely loved this line, because it adds such a light bit of humor to the story, but then shows how sarcastic and annoyed the main character is with people who aren't really as cynic as she is, other than Mrs. Beaumont, of course.
Beaumont was my confidant. When I was dumped, she was there with a box of tissues and open ears. For problems, I always went to her. Mrs. Beaumont was incredible, she taught me how to shoot rubber bands, a useless task I could not do prior to high school. If it was not for her, I would not know a thing about art. In a dance during freshman year, I was scared to dance and she was the one that lead me to the dance floor.
This showed just how much Mrs. Beaumont helped her, without taking five paragraphs or three pages, and it shows how much she loved and still loves Mrs. Beaumont for all the things she did for her, even if some of them were useless, it was still amazing for her.
A ham sandwich wanted to make its debut on the hospital floor.
I love this metaphor for vomiting, it's completely original, and not hardcore dramatic or pathetic, it's simply stated, and because of that it makes the reader think on it.
It was the last thing I could do for her, carry her like she carried me.
This sums up everything the main character felt with Mrs. Beaumont in the hospital room, in high school, it conveys all the love she's ever had for Mrs. Beaumont, and how much she wants to help her like she was helped.
This was a beautiful story, the whole bunch of emotions and the changing of the main character just went together amazingly. ;D
"There [was some] college students loaded on caffeine quickly typing away on their keyboard."
"I [could careless] if a house burned down and every member died."
And I like this part because it makes use of the senses "The smell of fresh baked bagels filled the air and gently flew all around the cafe. The dark roast of coffee was a rich sensation for any mortal's senses. It certainly smelled normal, a wonderful aroma, it just felt different."
It needs work, but it still evokes feelings, so good job. :)