Strangers. - Comments

I liked it, I really did. The writing was fantastic, the length, the characters, they were all very good. However, the plot itself is slim, at best. From the summary and the two chapters, one can sort of piece a vague story together; in some cases, I would shrug it off as leaving it to the reader's imagination, but this was a little...too vague, almost. I had to rely on the summary itself, really, for the plot and I didn't...quite like that. It didn't help that it switched tenses in the second chapter from 'I' to 'she' (for, I assume the girl in the second chapter was the narrator in the first?). I also would have liked a little more description of the characters, although that would have been difficult with only having a hundred words, so I'll leave that be.

"She’s almost a figment of reality’s imagination."

That line really gripped me, for some reason. From the moment I read it, I could think of nothing else. There's some beautiful intellectualism in the second bit that I really enjoyed.

This was really quite good, I just wish it could have been developed further. I'm assuming it's finished, although I would have liked to hear more of it. I think you could have turned it into a fantastic chaptered story. Good job.

So I read both parts and I’m a little confused. I assume that you’re going to continue and I’m sure once that gets going it’ll make more sense to me. I liked your descriptions and the simplicity of the layout, but my problem is that your story is a bit too vague for me. I just haven’t really gotten a feel for the characters and I don’t really understand the plot at this point – now that could very well be me just being stupid and not that you’re doing anything wrong, I dunno. I really do like how the first chapter starts and ends and I’m curious where you’re gonna go with this.

Your wording is amazing. I just thought I'd let you know. And the first chapter, man. Things are going down.

Holy hell this was amazing, you have such an intelligent way with words. I can't tell if the two chapters were supposed to go together somehow..? But you're a very descriptive writer, and you
know just how to express things so people can picture how things would look like.

chapter one;
The room is reflected as I watch him through the mirror. A small, dim room smelling of smoke and cluttered with random junk acquired over years of drifting. The tv in the corner’s emitting a blue glow, highlighting the stranger.
Brilliant imagery with that one little paragraph. Already I've got a mental picture of where 'he' is.

His willowy figure is hidden under a dark coat. Messy black hair falls into shadowed eyes that are bordered by long eyelashes. A pointed stud pokes through his right eyebrow, another through his left earlobe.
I like how as opposed to tall, you use willowy. I also applaud your use of imagery once more, you're very talented at presenting the scene. The way you set up your sentences, very disconnected, connects with the tone you've already set up, which is, vague. Mysterious. Making the reader want more. I like.

“You will.”
That line, brilliance. I love when chapters end in a simple line from a character, and the fact that you tied both the first and last lines together was a great way to wrap up the chapter. Granted, it was only 100 words, but still. You didn't ramble on, but instead made it a unit.

I want to keep reading, and that was your goal.
Success!

chapter two;
She’s almost a figment of reality’s imagination. A folly of fantasy dreams.
Ooh, juxtaposition of reality and imagination; I like. Right off, you throw an exciting leading line, so as not to bore the reader. The only thing, is. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say. The words are witty, and the presentation of them is poetic, but I'm not entirely sure they make sense. At least not to me, which may mean you just need to dumb it down for certain readers.

It’s hard to believe that there’s more to her than a fleeting shadow that floats past thin drapes and tugs lightly on the velvet rope to let a sliver of sunlight break into her dingy room.
Are you perhaps saying she's, out of reach? So much so it's as if she doesn't exist at all? Or is that your ploy, to continue on with the vague tone from before and leaving us thirsty for an explanation? Either way, I'm intrigued. And slightly confused.

But she is.
Short sentences are so wonderfully characterizing for an author. I love how they add spice to stories and change it up a bit, while a lot of the authors who are popular nowadays just make the biggest compound sentence they can with as many big words as they can fit in. It's good to diversify your sentence structure.

She’s a nose squashed against warm glass. A white talon that grips the rope like a lifeline. A small body wrapped in a childish pink t-shirt. And finally, saucer eyes that stare wistfully at the scum filled street below.
I'm starting to understand more about this secretive "she." And your metaphors just make me shiver, they're delightful. Especially 'a nose squashed against warm glass.' Not only do I now have a crisp mental picture, but I understand that she either is trapped in something, or has an awkward undertone, or perhaps both?

She’d never tell anybody, but she’s a self contained prisoner.
Ahh. Finally, you've answered my question. Now I know exactly what you're talking about. Of course, not many of my questions are answered, and some new ones have arisen, but I understand the gist of the description. I like how you brought everything together and answered questions by the end of the chapter. Good writers do that, pose questions at the beginning so a reader's curiosity is triggered, and then slyly slip in the answer so the reader is both satisfied and pleased that the answer was not totally obvious.

I don't know if it was a good review or not, a lot of it was me rambling trying to sound intelligent. But, I very much liked this. And I hope to see it continued soon.

Drabble for Drabble

Both chapters had a suspenseful intensity to them. The writing is done nicely and brings out good imagery for short chapters. I am curious to the back story of it all though... I really like this.

Chapter 1: :cheese:
..Just, :cheese:
There was something that made me go "Psht, well that was... wait, that was good."
Chaper 2: I could picture it in my head perfeectly. Flashes in my mind of what the 100 word piece was convinced me it was a great... 100 word piece.
:XD

Sorry if this review is pretty short: I'm usually quite detailed but obviously it's only two hundred words. :tehe: I'm going to review as I go because I think that's a pretty good thing to do sometimes. Anyways.

Chapter One.
Well, from the very first line I'm intrigued. I want to know who's talking and I want to know who she's talking to. I already get the feeling that she does know who it is but she's saying she doesn't know them anymore. Like it's somebody who's changed. Or it could very well be that she simply doesn't know them. :tehe:

Okay I was wrong. It's quite clear they are infact strangers by the paragraph that follows the opening line. :tehe: I love how, though, in so few words you can fit in such good description and give us such a clear picture. It really is amazing.

His willowy figure is hidden under a dark coat.
I especially liked that line. I get this image of a tree person, though, but that's just me being a moron. :lmfao I know what you mean and I love it. I want to know everything about this person and it's clear that the narrator does, too. You kind of get sucked in, once again this is brilliant for such a short piece of work. I liked the whole paragraph where you described this stranger, and I think the fact that no really, really specific details were given worked quite well. He's still a mystery even though the narrator can see him.
My only concrit there would be that in this part:
A pointed stud pokes through his right eyebrow. Another through his left earlobe.
The full stop could be changed to a comma, because the comma disrupts the flow a little.

When I read the ending I literally went: :twitch: "Blarrrhglkjfshg, ominosity!" and I don't even know if that's a word. :lmfao
I thought the ending was good, though, because it left me wanting more. I still don't know who this guy is and neither does the narrator. djkfhskjfh :grr: Cliffhangers.

Overall, this piece was incredibley intriguing and descriptive for something so short.

Chapter Two.
At first I thought this may be a continuation of the first but then I realise it would defeat the point of the contest you entered. (But I was also a bit like )))):< because I'm still thinking about the first chapter. :lmfao) Moving swiftly on. :weird

:twitch: This opening is actually better than the previous drabbles one. It's so...captivating :weird and -tries to think of a word other than intriguing-.

A folly of fantasy dreams.
That's so unique, really. I've never seen anybody use that kind of description before and I absolutely adore it.

This is so flowery and light, in a good way. I don't tend to steer towards flowery when I'm reading something - it's not a preference, but bloody hell I really like this. I love how we have no idea who this girl is, just like before. And the narration remains a mystery too. This could be third person or it could be first person, it's not really clear, and I think this makes it all the more effective.

It’s hard to believe that there’s more to her than a fleeting shadow that floats past thin drapes and tugs lightly on the velvet rope to let a sliver of sunlight break into her dingy room
I had to quote it all. I had to! I couldn't pick a part that I liked the most. This is my favourite piece of description out of both of the chapters and maybe my favourite that I've read this week, or maybe even in a while. :weird She's almost mythical, whoever this girl is; describing her as a fleeting shadow that floats past thin drapes is incredible.

The ending still kept all of this anonymity and I lovelovelove it. Seriously, this was so good. All of the description that gave the reader so much but leaves so much to the imagination, it's wonderful.

Sorry this review is so shitty ):
But these two pieces truly are incredible. You need to write more.

I love you way you describe everything.
And your style is different from others I've seen.
The short chapters and the sense of contemporary style of the layout.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
(:

Cass, I really like it. A lot. You have a very unique way of wording things with words that wouldn't normally be part of the same sentence but in this instance they are-executed fantastically as well. My favourite line would have to be this one:

A small, dim room smelling of smoke and cluttered with random junk acquired over years of drifting.

I love how you used drifting in that sentence. Kind of implying that this stranger isn't really a stranger, just someone who has changed over the years and the protagonist is unable to recognise this once distantly familiar person. I think that's also emphasised by the "You will" at the conclusion of the story. A powerful punchline, but the "you will" leaves it open to interpretation that indeed, the stranger will return but also that "you will" realise who I am. Possibly I'm overanalysing this a little too much. :XD

I think for a 100 word drabble you've done amazingly.

I really liked that.
Your style is like... flowery, BUT IN A GOOD WAY. :grr:
The way you describe things is like... gorgeous. And the fact that it's only 100 words, so short, so we don't get the back story. We don't know why she (he?) is whispering hoarsley, or why she (he?)'ll know him.
Like. You can make up your own story.
I loved it. <3

Whoa INTENSE! I loved the feel of the whole thing. It was creepy in such a good way.

that was
Fantastic!



Love, love, loved.

That is all :tehe:I suck at comments

:don:

It may be, like, thirty five words, but by God it's brilliant.

"The room is reflected as I watch him through the mirror. A dim room smelling of smoke and cluttered with random junk acquired over years of drifting. The television in the corner emit’s a blue glow, highlighting the stranger."

You fucking nailed that one man, I can just see that. I particularly love the years of drifting bit. I don't know why, I can like.. I don't know, I feel like I can connect with random shit filling up my room from years of drifting. :XD

"His willowy figure is hidden under a dark coat. Messy black hair falls into green eyes that are shadowed by long eyelashes. A pointy silver stud pokes through his right eyebrow. Another through his left earlobe."

Ah. I can just see this all happening in my brain, the fucking description is damn bang on. I knew you had it in you somewhere Casskeez. :arms:
And for some reason, I think of Matt Tuck. :shifty /weirdo

First comment rape!

Now for teh comment yes? :coffee:

Cass I thought this was fantastical! I liked this. I liked it a lot. Your adjectives were quite unique and the way you described everything was great. The story was very good with such a small amount of words used to.

You better be proud of this you hear me? :x
:arms: Love it.