Sons of Daedalus - Comments

This was beautifully written. Now I feel bad when comparing my comment to the long comments above me. XD

Your storytelling really is amazing. :cheese:

This story was really good. The characters run so deep and are so complicated that I am sure we have only just barely scraped the surface. I think it is awesome when relationship starts out with drunken confessions and submissiveness, and then moves on to being so much more, and it actually works. Most of the time it really just fails, but this didn't, and I like that.

It's the small things in love stories like this that makes it work, and that makes it as absolutely amazing as it is. In this particular one, I love how Ed went from only thinking of Roy as Mustang, or the Colonel, to thinking of him as Roy, because that's his name. It's very effective, especially with the repetitions of it, and it shows just how Ed fell for him, how he fell for what they had.

My favorite part was when they woke up together. The description of it was beautiful, and I could really feel that they were a pretty fresh couple, and that their love was still young. Thinking that no one else could possibly have what they had is very naive and sweet, although it is true since they have the troubles of being who they are in the military.

Intangible moments later Roy—yes, that’s his name—Roy’s eyes flutter and murmurs sleep into his ear. The flush is warm and moist and he pushes him away, delight littering the air like a most unspoken secret.
This... This paragraph is pure gorgeousness. It's just so lovely.

Again, I am in no way familiar with Fullmetal Alchemist, so I have no idea what is happening at the end, so I would have liked to see it explained a bit further. I get that Edward goes away, or dies, or something, but I'd like to know why, and how, and all the juicy details. :tehe:

Besides that, I really liked the ending sequence. How Roy said he should go, and Ed saying that he won't stop him, knowing that Roy won't be going anywhere, anyway. It shows how well they know one another, how deep they've fallen even though they shouldn't have.

The I love yous are beautiful, and the italics make them even more so. It's nice, too, that we don't know who said/thought what.

I really enjoyed reading this too. You have an incredibly captivating writing style. (:

I just want to start by saying that I really love the layout. It's simple but it's beautiful too. :weird
And I'm reviewing as I read because I have school in half an hour XDDD Oh and I ramble too much and leave rubbish reviews. :weird

They are military; fire and steel bled into their waking consciousness,
That's not the opening line but it's the one that makes me kind of go... :cheese: [I've never reviewed you before, so you'll soon see that I use smileys when I can't find the words. Sorry. ;D] I love the use of the word 'bled', too. And from this alone, even though I don't read anime fan fiction, I get the feeling that they're tough and probably infamous and people are probably scared of them, but as I don't know anything about this fandom that's probably totally wrong. And also, I love the like the most hardened of flames. because that ties in with Icarus' wings? It sort of seems like that anyway.

I love the way you describe even the smallest details with such great...detail. XD But, yeah, you do, and it's wonderful. You have this great knack for making something that another writer could make insignificant something incredibly beautiful. Not that there are really any unimportant details in this piece but you know what I mean.

minutes of minute sobs floating abashed and unclaimed in the stale liquor air,
Gah, I lovelovelove the 'stale liquor air' part. And the 'minutes of minute' because I'm a sucker for alliteration. Although, this line - or paragraph, even - makes the whole mood a little bit darker and it's very intriguing. You don't seem to explain the whole story, or at least it seems that way, and so you always leave me thinking and re-reading and then just in awe, but I'm not going to fangirl over you here. :hand: But yeah, sometimes I get the feeling that you like just like to describe rather than show or tell and you pull it off so brilliantly.

“You know, I probably shouldn’t think you’re as beautiful as I do.”
Once again, you've changed the mood with a single line. Although you've introduced Roy and Edward as somewhat harsh and fear-inspiring, this is showing us a different side to one of them...

Black shimmers like the shells of tiny black beetles. Maybe dangerous, or poisonous;
Actually, I've rarely seen somebody use bettles as descriptions for eyes...maybe I need to read a little more.. XDD but I thought that was brilliant. And adding 'maybe dangerous, or poisonous' gave me the feeling that Ed doesn't know what to make of the other man just yet. One thing to add though, because you said 'black shimmers' maybe you could just say 'shells of tiny beetles' rather than saying black again? And this line is reinforcing what I said earlier about you simply describing: the reader has to work out for themselves what you're actually talking about and I think that's a really good thing to do because it means they think a little more about what you're saying rather than just reading. Does that make sense? :shifty

I love the next bit of dialogue because it seems so natural and I love dialogue anyway. From the word 'Colonel', I'm wondering if Roy is actually above Ed in ranks or is more important? Because if so that makes it even better. Ed is quite clearly nervous and from what you wrote before about it being 'his time to subject himself as company to the Colonel's self-decay' [if that's wrong sorry I did it from memory XD] he didn't even choose to be with Roy as he got drunk, so him now sitting there and being all 'You're beautiful' would possibly make him uncomfortable and be quite a shock too.

Certainly his cheeks bloom petals like a fucking spring (pansy, daisy) rose.
I was trying to figure out if you'd already sent me this, but you'd only sent me a bit of it I think, because I remember the bracketed words. I have never seen anybody do that kind of thing; it's simply amazing, and I know that it's carried on through and I love it. I love the profanity too. A lot of people say that third person doesn't suit profanity sometimes, but with your writing you just get sucked in and every single word adds to the atmosphere.

Can I just say that due to the fact I never read FMA I'm really confused as to why Roy seems to have three names. Ohh, Lord, will you be laughing and laughing at me for this? :tehe: I just need to keep in mind that it's Roy and Mustang and Colonel and they're the same person? Christ I hope they're the same person. XD

and he pukes a little in the rise of his throat, but Mustang’s—no, Roy, for this moment—Roy’s mouth covers his and maybe its his tongue that wrestles the bile back down.
Ewww, Isa, that's gross. But it's really, really effective too. Ed is taken by surprise and he has no idea what he's doing but he's not exactly pulling back either. But still...ew. XDD

Mustang shakes his head, muscles and tendons craning against each other to brush a thought away, even before it stains coherency.
Can I steal your brain pls? :finger: Honestly, I have no idea where you get all of this. The imagery you come up with and the words you use I don't think I could come up with in even my wildest dreams. Why am I your friend? :finger: :tehe: The use of 'muscles and tendons' worked so well I can't really think of anything you could put in their place. Just another example of describe, not show and tell. [Maybe I should just put D, N S&T in brackets everytime I want to say it. XDD] and the use of 'stains coherency' is simply amazing too.

I also have to say that I love how Ed calls Roy by his first name when they start kissing, even if only in his head. It's like he knows that whilst they're doing this the formality is gone and there's no need for it.

“Just promise me you won’t try and love me, Fullmetal?”

He jerks his face away, scowls like the invisible war paint smudged across his brow. “Yeah, yeah, I promise.”
Saying that he's jerking his face away suggests that he's almost been stung by this and that maybe it's a little too late, and that Ed just wants Roy to love him so that they can be together, but he's hurt by Roy saying this and his offish reply shows that too. [Wow long sentence XD] Although from the 'it's too sweet, and then it's bitter, bitter lo- no, he won't say it' also suggests quite clearly that Ed loves Roy, and now I feel quite sad for him because it's like Roy will only ever show affection to Ed when he's drunk? But I can't tell if the little scene before that was them kissing again because you're so bloody vague. :tehe:

The part between that and Oh god yes yes but I will never breathe again. astounds me, but everything seems rather heartbreaking from here on end. And the bit that I quote was my favourite part from this section. I love how it's rushed and there's no commas or puncuation aside from the full stop at the end. I get the feeling that Ed's head [XD] is all over the place and his encounter with Roy the night before has left him in a bit of a mess and although he doesn't know what to do with himself, he knows that nobody else can know about what they did. And it's also very obvious that Ed loves Roy. And I can't think of anything to say about that line except for the fact that whilst being my favourite from this section it may be one of my favourites from any fanfiction I've ever read. It makes my chest ache a bit.

Inconceivable bright, useless warmth already given by bleach-roughed cloth and miles of imperfect skin.
:cheese: From this I think that they've slept together again, because the use of 'miles' suggests more than one person. He tossturns, a tangle of metal and bone, and settles against the imperceptible ribs beneath pale, lukewarm flesh. They clearly did. And you break my friggin heart Isa, with your stories of love that shouldn't be right but is sosososososo hideously right that it hurts. :cheese: 'Unrequited' isn't - FORBIDDEN. I couldn't think of the word. Forbidden love that is so beautiful it makes your heart hurt a little because it's so perfect. :cheese:

Intangible moments later Roy—yes, that’s his name—Roy’s eyes flutter and murmurs sleep into his ear.
Once again, it's Ed not calling Roy anything but Roy because when they're together, nothing else is allowed to matter and so formalities don't make it that far. kjsfdh. I hate reviewing because I can never find the words that I actually want to say, I just come up with shitty synonyms for 'brilliant' and say 'love' too much. I think you should just be content with 'I love absolutely everything here'. :x:x

He stumbles out of bed, nearly becomes intimate with the wooden splinters on the floor,
After so much of me whinging about loving your writing and my heart breaking I think I was due a laugh thx :file: But yeah, that bit actually did make me laugh. I like how you can fit so many different moods into short spaces and actually make it work. and plays audience to Roy’s morning laughter. They also seem more comfortable around each other now. Neither is more or less important than the other, they're just... Roy and Ed.

loops everyone’s necks to attention as he marches to the Colonel’s desk, a rant balanced precariously on his nose.
I love the 'rant balanced precariously on his nose' bit. [No words] And with the “Sticks and stones…” Narrowed slanted eyes, and it’s mischief, the best anyone can portray it. “…shortstuff.” A few lines later, I kind of get the feeling that Roy doesn't tend to take Ed too seriously at times. And it's a little annoying but I guess that's just the way he works? Can I just say that I love hoe real you make this feel. I can picture everything as if it's right in front of me and I absolutely love that.

“That is true. And I’d still very much like to kiss you.”
:cheese: They have a relationship that makes me pull that face. It's just mindblowing. I like how Roy isn't afraid to admit anything, like there which was his reply to Ed's 'you can't get enough, can you?' whereas before, Ed was too proud to admit anything of the sort to Roy. I think that ties in a little with Roy being 'above' Ed, so him admitting that kind of thing would surprise Ed and maybe just make him a little bit shy. Like when somebody you admire says they like something you've done, but magnified by a million because this is intimiate and not platonic. Sorry about that ramble. Basically I like Roy's confidence even though he comes across as slightly arrogant sometimes. And I was probably totally wrong about it all.. :lmfao

I adore how you don't go into great detail about the kiss and seem to trail off into a different pattern of thought for a little while. We still know what's going on but you don't spell it out for us either. [D, N S&T XDDD]

They’re two kind of damned (Icarus disapproves), and they pretended they had love, or pretended they didn’t, and they fucked like starved savages who ate at another’s will to live.
Once again... I couldn't pick a certain quote. That was just... ohh, God, amazingamazingamazing. I also like the 'pretended they had love, or pretended they didn't' because I think that potentially, a different writer could just make that sound weird or confusing, but with you it just flowed. That's what I think, anyway. I think I would have make it confusing. XD Anyway, I've gone off on a ramble and I'm not saying what I wanted to say.
and they fucked like starved savages who ate at another’s will to live.
I saw that in a rate the story bit, I think, and I fucking loved it to pieces there too. It's so blunt and harsh and it's this bit of imagery that's just carved into your head and I can guarantee that's going to stick in my mind for a long time.

And just as I started to read this last bit, my brother put on a music channel and Tainted Love started playing. I don't know the significance [or why I'm telling you] but I thought it was pretty ironic. :tehe:

I love the whole conversation inside a conversation, where they're saying one thing and then thinking another. I love it in any kind of story, and I do it sometimes as well because it's just so.. :cheese: But this bit, this bit is breaking my heart even worse than the other parts because they love each other and they should be together, but they can't be. and I hate that. Especially the,
I love you.

I love you more.
Is just.. :cheese: << that is all I can say because I'm useless with words.

The ending is just...I know I've read this bit before but that doesn't make it any better. This whole thing was just so beautiful and perfect I've run out of things to say about it. The end three lines are amazing, and I love how you tied it all in together at different points throughout, like mentioning military in the beginning and war at the end.

Basically, I'm sorry that this review is really crappy and rambly and is probably of no use to you at all, but apparently I owed you this [:file: pfft] and I decided it was high time I read this anyway. I'm so glad I did, because this is one of my favourites I've read in a long, long time and I'm really happy that there's a second part. I have a feeling that I'll be thinking about this for the entire day.
You are incredible.

As many above me, I too have never read an anime fanfiction, nor have I ever watched or read anime.
I will do my best to keep an open mind as I review. :cute:

It's who they are.

They are military; fire and steel bled into their waking consciousness, like the most hardened of flames. They are dogs of the army, and they are also the best the state has to offer, and they really ought to have better restraint.
To begin, I'd like to say that I really love that beginning. It really doe draw the reader in and capture them, makes them interested.

The whole plot was a bit on the confusing side. It was hard to comprehend, but then again that could be from the fact that I have not yet read the series.

Something I really admired about the story was the fact that the conversation were quite vivid and brilliant. The way they were written helped the reader picture the characters and their personalities in a way only the best stories can do.
Regardless of this, the characters confused me at times, but I think I got the basics down.

The layout was fitting as well, though it made some parts and words a bit hard to read at times.

The last part was amazingly written, by the way. It was a nice conclusion and a very good thing to leave off on for the next part.

Overall, the story was well-written and flowed very well - it was most certainly one of the best stories I've read on here in a while.

Well I'm not the worlds biggest fan of anime but I decided I'd review because I know anything written by you is sure to be something I'll like. And You never seem to prove me wrong at that, Isababy.

It's who they are. I really like how you start out. I always like it better when the first sentence is short and sweet instead of long and boring. I have a short attention span for stories and things like that and you captured it.

I also like how in the beginning you didn't come right out and say who they were. Leaving someone guessing is also a great way to catch someone's attention if done right. And you did it in a splendid way. Especially with the way you worded it. They are military; fire and steel bled into their waking consciousness, like the most hardened of flames. Poetic yet it maintains the toughness of the character.

Black shimmers like the shells of tiny black beetles. Maybe dangerous, or poisonous; maybe ticklish with a sprinkling of breadth legs. The imagery here is simply wonderful and original. I don't read much where it's compared to beetles instead of spiders.

It got a tiny bit confusing as I got to the middle but that might just be because I'm not familiar with anime. Though I could still see the imagery you were trying to convey. And I'm glad you kept up with the poetic yet strong stance. Keep the same flow thoughout a story can sometimes be hard.

Since you have such a talent for imagery I'm just going to say all my favorite image parts right now to keep from saying the same thing and save your eyesight.

Horizon passes them like bygone people and bygone clouds on those grueling tracks; the Brother’s been left behind in Central, the Lieutenant’s in the bathroom, and it’s a scenery for only two and that’s how it’s always been.

Light creeps, an everglow, through sunken window elbow rafters; lies across the crinkles of unwashed sheets. Inconceivable bright, useless warmth already given by bleach-roughed cloth and miles of imperfect skin.

Ed breathes, little flurries of hair streaming the squints of his eyes. He tossturns, a tangle of metal and bone, and settles against the imperceptible ribs beneath pale, lukewarm flesh.

They’re not unlike a crimson sea, parting separately from Roy’s government-issued apartment after a wasted night; the inescapable gossip mill as their diving rod. Mustang—he’s that again, now—strides into his office with the laze of scruffy tree sloths, somewhat polished in his disarray. Hawkeye glances over, upon the usual stack of unsigned paperwork, and delivers her classic threat with a laced safety and the happiest trigger finger in Central.

Sky’s a pretty orange, dandelions colored with polluted bee guts, and below it cities are dead and they did it for their nation for their home for the laws they never kept.

And it’s not as beautiful as he imagined, the stone. It’s imperfect and it doesn’t even shine like it ought to, and it’s just a rock and it’s red; strange that something so taboo is their salvation.

And of course many more parts. But that would fill up the entire review.

My favorite bit of the whole would probably have to be this- “Let me? I won’t ask for your heart, or your soul—just your smile, sometimes, and your moans as you come… and a little of that sadness in your eyes.”

It’s too much, too sugary like overripe fruit or oversweet pancake syrup, and he pukes a little in the rise of his throat, but Mustang’s—no, Roy, for this moment—Roy’s mouth covers his and maybe its his tongue that wrestles the bile back down.

And then it’s just salt, and bitter, bitter lo-- And no, he doesn’t say it, and soon Roy just tastes like Roy.

Firstly, I love how he didn't ask for the heart. The heart & soul is so very overused in writing. And as stated before I love how you make something as disgusting as puke sound flowful and less icky. Though I'm not a fan of how long that sentence it. Just personal preference, I find the longer the sentence is, the harder it is to follow. But that doesn't mean any bad for your bit. Also, I really love how you compared Roy to Roy. No fancy comparisons or anything. I really like that.

For being who they were. Ending a story with how you began it is absolutely a great idea. That was very smart of you.

The story in it's entirety was slightly confusing. However, once I re-read it I think I began to understand it and it's such a great part-one.

The layout of your story was also smart. It fit the story and wasn't hard on the eyes. A good layout can make a story even better. I don't know how many stories I've stopped reading because of the layout. Good job on that too. You did amazing on every part.

Story/Review Game This review will probably fail compared to everyone else's but I will try my best. I've never reviewed any anime fan fiction before and I don't think I've ever watched Full Metal Alchemist. So if I get confused about characters or whatnot bear with me.

It's who they are. I really like stories that can open up with a short-to-the-point sentence. Straight away, I'm already intrigued and asking questions and wondering 'who or what are they!?'

The summary is very interesting as well, I especially love that excerpt. The layout is beautiful and simple to read. Thumbs up for that.

They are dogs of the army, and they are also the best the state has to offer, and they really ought to have better restraint. I liked how blunt the start of that sentence is 'the dogs of the army'. You have a wonderful use of words and description. Everything is just so beautiful.

Mustang has a wavering smile, and Ed holds onto it with a wavering stare. I liked the repetition of the word 'wavering' it really strengthens the entire point of that sentence. The two characters (with the use of the repetition) really build off of each other.

The words husk on velvet, slurred with a quality of being bitten back for too long a time. That's a beautiful and powerful sentence. You're vocabulary is amazing. :yah

And then it’s just salt, and bitter, bitter lo-- And no, he doesn’t say it, and soon Roy just tastes like Roy. I enjoyed how you 'cut off' what the character was going to say. I have never read a story with a technique like this before. It's interesting and I like it.

but speaking isn’t easy and neither is asking That's a beautiful phrase. You've obviously put a lot of time and thought into this piece and it definitely shows.

He bites at the insides of his cheeks and they tear, like flimsy homegrown sunflowers. :cheese: Dude...there's nothing I can say that would do that sentence justice. Simply breathtaking.

Intangible moments later Roy—yes, that’s his name—Roy’s eyes flutter and murmurs sleep into his ear.I liked the use of the words 'intangible moments later'. It completely eradicates the need for time keeping like he's (sorry to use this horribly cliched phrase) lost in the moment. I can imagine exactly what Roy is really feeling and thinking.

He forgets to look, a final time, then it’s white like a leper’s disease, like a blind man’s sight, and he doesn’t know any better. That is amazing. Seriously, I'm going to have to write that line down on the front of my notebook. I want to remember it! I love the metaphors (or analogies. I forget which is which) you use. You didn't go for the obvious 'white like sheet' instead you took your time, didn't rush and thought about the concept you wanted to get across.

Hates themselves—

For being who they were. Oh my! I love the circular effect you used. The question at the beginning and that little phrase and the end are extremely effective. It has an edge of finality that just works well with the entire concept.

I can envision all the thought and time you've spent on this. The entire piece is simply breathtaking and the concept you got across is strong and very moving. I'm definitely bookmarking this for my 'Favourites' folder. Thank you so much for the opportunity to read this. :cheese:

Take care. xx

Like a few of the others that have posted, I've never really ready any animefic before, but this was very well written!
I really enjoyed it!
Deffinetly 5/5!!!

omgno: my comment is going to fail compared...

--

I don't really know the characters, only from what I've seen on late night adult swim anime version, but I really enjoyed it and though it was well written.
if I could rate if would be fiveouttafive.

Like the people above me, I have never in my life read any form of anime/anime fan fiction. I will enter this with an open mind and comment this as I go. I do have a feeling I will like it though.

Right of the bat I love the first begining sentences. Especially towards the end where you put they are also the best the state has to offer, and they really ought to have better restraint. the thing I liked most about that last part was the fact that it seemd as if the narrator was giving the military so much praise saying they are the best the state has to offer and then he goes and says they ought to have better restraint. It's critcism right after a compliment. I felt as if he completely contradicted himself, which leads me to believe that he is torn about something.

The words husk on velvet, slurred with a quality of being bitten back for too long a time. Certainly his cheeks bloom petals like a fucking spring (pansy, daisy) rose. “You’re drunk.” Is it weird that I love that part? Your imagery is just... gosh. I mean.. I honestly don't know what I can say about it other than gorgeous. That doesn't even do it correctly. You can take something so simple as saying "his cheeks went red" basically that was what happened, right? And then you go and word it the way you did and it's poetic. Somethint like that typically isn't poetic the way it is in your story. I really admired that.

Another thing I liked about this was the reply after the description. You would think that someone would be on cloud nine after hearing someone say that to them, but all Edward did was tell Mustang he was drunk. It was very blunt and I think he was in denial. Which is pretty cute in my opinion.

The part with the kiss. Very bittersweet if you ask me. He threw up a little in the back of his throat which leands me to believe he is repulsed right away... but after I thought about it for a moment I came to the conclusion that he was just nervous. You know how you get so nervous that you just feel like throwing up? Like that. I can't help but to feel for the guy because after I realized that it was all nerves I really saw how much he was trying to believe that he didn't like Mustand... or Roy as he is now. I feel bad for him because I can't help but to think that being gay in a place such as the one they're in is just terrible in the eyes of the public. The emotion in those few paragraphs was really strong in my opinion.

I loved Roy's "demands", by the way. : I thought they were sickeningly cute. In a weird kind of way.

and soon Roy just tastes like Roy. Sigh... I just couldn't help but feel like that smiley right there. That's all I have to say about that.

There's no specific line that made me love the next part as much as I did. I think that if there was it wouldn't be the same kind of feeling. The part as whole was just heartwrenching for me. Not in the sense that it was sad, but in the sense that it was so realistic, which in turn made it a bit sad. Telling someone not to try and love you is just... It was the wording of it that did it too. You could have said try not to love me. But to not to try... I think you get what I mean? The wording changes everything all together. Very good.

Now, I read the rest and completely forgot that I was supposed to be leaving a comment. : I think it was because I was just sucked in and everything else sort of became obsolete.

They have a love/hate relationship, I think. And it's not that one-sided kind to me. Its the kind where they both love the other... terribly... but they hate the other for making them feel that way. And I can't help but think that if they had lived somewhere else in a different time or world they wouldn't feel the way they do. It would just be love and love alone and that makes me kind of sad. Especially for Ed because Roy is just taunting him and taunting him and there is nothing Ed can do because he can't make himself say no even though he desperately wants to.

The last few lines... or ,maybe just the last few paragraphs really did me in. I've had so many kind of moments throughout this that i really just need a box of kleenex and a box of incream to make me feel just alittle bit better.

I should leave.” He claps, a void and gasping sound. But I would rather stay.

“I won’t stop you.” Roy’s gaze wounds like the slowest bullet. But I know you can’t, and I don’t blame you. I really just want to shake my computer and yell at them right now. I want to tell them that they can run away to some far away place and stay there forever, and everything will be okay even though I know tint he pit of my stomach that it won't for two reasons. A) they are fictional characters [even though they seem so real] and B) because it just doesn't work that way. The hidden meanings behind their words are so... I can't even think of a word right now other than sad. My vocabulary is just mush right now to say the lease. Sad really doesn't do it justice though. Know that,

It's a very deep message this is sending out. In most slash stories it somehow works out in the end and the two boys are okay. I get the feeling that this won't be the case, it won't work out because [unfortunately] it's not supposed too. Not where they happen to be. It's very honest which I love to see in stories because when things somehow just work out for everyone and all the characters are happy --although I'm happy the ending was happy-- I know that it isn't realistic. Nothing is really peaceful like that.

I didn't think i would like this as much as I did to be completely honest and I'm glad that I was so surprised. You have a wonderful way with words and I have a feeling that i will be back for part two. :mrgreen:

Oh yeah, and sorry this took forever to get here. I had half of it finished yesterday, but I was at the library and my mom had come to pick me up which meant that I couldn't finished. I've only just now found the time to start over, so yeah. Sorry about that.

Well compared to Sam's mine will be pathetic. Oh well, I'm giving it my all. :XD
(Oh, and I'll be reviewing as I go along.)

---

They are military; fire and steel bled into their waking consciousness, like the most hardened of flames. They are dogs of the army, and they are also the best the state has to offer, and they really ought to have better restraint.
Now that is the perfect introduction. It sucked me into their personalities, but didn't reveal much about them at the same time. It tells us they are hardened machines, but only because that has been ingrained into their consciousness and being since, well, forever. And then you add that last sentence, and shock me all to hell! My curiosity is instantly piqued and I find myself desperate to read on to find out exactly what they've done. ~~

Black shimmers like the shells of tiny black beetles. Maybe dangerous, or poisonous; maybe ticklish with a sprinkling of breadth legs.
“You’re beautiful, Edward.”
The words husk on velvet, slurred with a quality of being bitten back for too long a time. Certainly his cheeks bloom petals like a fucking spring (pansy, daisy) rose. “You’re drunk.”
Yellow lamps and yellow hearts, molten and tied with alcohol strings. He was; they were.
“I’m more honest when I’m drunk.”

This exchange was brilliant. I was laughing at Ed's response to Mustang, but at the same time tensed for what will follow. They're both drunk, we all know what happens when people are drunk with their loves.
Plus - the descriptions and metaphors/ similes you sprinkled into this passage were mind blowing! Comparing his eyes to "the shells of tiny black beetles. Maybe dangerous, or poisonous; maybe ticklish with a sprinkling of breadth legs" was ingenious. I have a perfect image in my mind of how his eyes are - how expressive and lively they must be. Awesome!

And then, how you describe their lust and love there is beautiful. I love how you make Ed so reluctant to say what they have for what it is - love. He's scared and anxious and he wants this so bad, but he's not sure about it and its perfectly described.

A stumble, a bit of wildness and a flutter, a thousand butterflies fighting against him and a thousand more pinning him to the ground. A palm, damp and gentle, cool on the goose bumps of his neck.
That line really stuck out to me. The way you used butterflies as an analogy was gorgeous, and perfectly captured the feelings that Ed must having. It conveys them to the reader like nothing else could I think.

He can’t tell him that, though, his pride doesn’t allow him to, and instead, “Don’t flatter yourself, Colonel. I don’t think about you that much—if I ever think about you at all.”
Mustang has this grin that doesn’t quite settle on his lips, and Ed wants to strip it off him, smother him, but Hawkeye comes back, and everything’s almost normal, only not. Because it’s too late, too late to take back what he said; he’s already broken it.

That was gorgeous. The way you make them so tough and so angry, but so far in love and tumbling against their will, unable to stop. That's brilliant. Its amazing how you can set it up so that they have such large capacities to hurt each other and such large capacities to fix everything that's broken inside of each other, but neither wants to take those steps to the other.
How do you do that? It amazing.

The next, break?, of the storyline just sets that up even more. They've become so close to each other, almost letting each other into each other;s secrets, but they simply can't let go that ingrained warrior inside of them that you set up in the first paragraph.

“That’s ‘cause you have a problem with your brain,” he explains dryly, mouth already parted and eager.
Roy’s chest rises, and doesn’t fall, his lungs immobile against the press of Ed’s frame. He exhales, “ah, but what use is my brain… when my mouth can do this?”
Ed’s lips moves not of his own accord, and his heart swells, feeling the most content he’s ever been since Mom first discovered him using alchemy, since the blue glows lit up her face in place of Hohenheim never coming home. It’s not right to keep secrets from his brother when he’s the only family he's got left; especially not right when it’s his superior officer, and they’re defying rules like there’s no tomorrow. Maybe this wouldn’t even last until then, but his heart swells, and it bursts, and that was certainly not of his own accord.

This bit was so perfect. They're so stupid and macho but they just can't stop having each other. I adore the way you've set this all up. Its so brilliant. They keep coming around to this full circle of love, rules, hate, love, rules, hate, love etc.
They know that they need to let go of each other or they're both fucked, but they just can't. Similarly, they know how they feel for each other but they refuse to admit it, even to themselves.
Such a convoluted tale you've spun here dearie.

“I should leave.” He claps, a void and gasping sound. But I would rather stay.

“I won’t stop you.” Roy’s gaze wounds like the slowest bullet. But I know you can’t, and I don’t blame you.

That, that right there, is what I perceived to be the culmination of this story. It was so sad, and so pitiful, but at the same time I knew that this was how it was all going to end up. They can't admit to each other how much they love each other, so they were doomed to loose each other. That's simply how it is.
Gorgeous.

I have to admit that I've never read Full Metal Alchemist and I was a tiny bit lost occasionally, but you were able to overcome that and draw me back into the story. Its almost a universal tale of misspent love and anxious lovers.
I absolutely canto wait for Part Two - let me tell you.
:arms: Wonderful job.

Okie dokieeee :weird

I have never read anime fanfiction, which is why I will admit to finding this a little confusing and a tad disjointed at times. But I guess that might be helpful for you, to see how an outsider would read this as a normal story... or not. But I don't know. :XD

I want to comment on like, every single bit of imagery in this because as I keep saying to you, I'm astounded by how you word things and the connotations behind them. I loved They are military; fire and steel bled into their waking consciousness, like the most hardened of flames. It gave me an intitial impression that these people, Roy and Edward, are strong personalities, and I also loved the fire connotations as they tied in with the whole Icarus' wax wings thing. I'm not sure how else this title ties in with the story, but perhaps this comes in the next part?

I really wanted to know what 'it' was, from the beginning few paragraphs. You have this magical way of describing everything without telling us what it is - showing and not telling, something I lurrrrve in a story but rarely pull off well :XD - and it sucked me in, I wanted to know more. But then the dialogue came in and this whole mystery was kind of overwhelming, and the issue for me was never really resolved. Unless I'm just overly tired/unperceptive.

Black shimmers like the shells of tiny black beetles. Maybe dangerous, or poisonous; maybe ticklish with a sprinkling of breadth legs.-drools- amazing imagery, the feeling you get from that is incredible. I'm not sure what you're describing but I had a hunch it was eyes - beetles isn't as unique a metaphor as I've come to expect from you, I seem to have heard that whole thing a million and one times before... or maybe I just read too much Harry Potter because that's how Rowling described Hagrid's eyes. :tehe: But you managed to spin it so that it had feeling behind it. Amazing, well done. :inlove:

Yellow lamps and yellow hearts, molten and tied with alcohol strings. The connotations of yellow here suggest that maybe they're scared? I adore the way you phrased this, though, tied with alcohol strings - I want to be inside your head. :x :tehe:

I must point out how I love the fact that Roy is only called Roy when he and Edward are 'together'. And then how this becomes more frequent towards the end of the piece, and then when they can't hide it anymore he's permanently called that. It hints at the fact that maybe they're not supposed to have this relationship, or that the more casual one they had before involved using surnames only?

I got a bit confused when 'Colonel' was mentioned and I kept wondering who was being mentioned. They're actually in the army, then?... but it eludes later on that they work in an office. I don't know. Maybe this is another product of me not knowing about the fandom. :XD

Mustang shakes his head, muscles and tendons craning against each other to brush a thought away, even before it stains coherency. I'm such a fangirl for your phrasing. I'm amazed at how you think of these things. I actually really liked this whole chunk, it was sweet but not overly so. You kept the right amount of edge for their characters, which was good: “With an answer like that,” Mustang leans back and crosses his legs, memoirs of knotted kites and knotted thighs. “It’s almost like you want me gone.” Aside from my wanting to marry the 'knotted kites/thighs' part, this just seemed to tell me loads about the character of Roy yet I don't know how to explain it. This is where I'm rubbish at reviews, cause I just got this sense and image of him being stubborn and independent from the words used here and in the rest of the dialogue.

Inconceivable bright, useless warmth already given by bleach-roughed cloth and miles of imperfect skin. :yah You set a scene like a fucking devil/angel, whichever one I don't know. Just by this I'm thinking they're lying together and are comfortable in their warmth, having slept together, and it's almost like they don't want the light to come spoil their unity.

He wonders how they somehow go that weirdo angel lady smiling luck down on them. I like how you write something so elegant but you can still slip in words that ordinarily wouldn't fit the tone, but most of the time you make it work. Like here, I wouldn't expect to find 'weirdo' but it's effective because it draws your attention. There was another example of this further back, I won’t ask for your heart, or your soul—just your smile, sometimes, and your moans as you come… - it caught me unaware and almost made me giggle cause I'm really not as mature as people seem to think I am. :XD But it added realism and personality to the character, which is never a bad thing. :cute:

When I first read the beginning of the penultimate scene I got a bit lost, maybe that's just me being ditzy, but I think it was Around mid-afternoon, Ed barges through the heavyweights of the door, loop everyone’s necks to attention as he marches to the Colonel’s desk, a rant balanced precariously on his nose. Everyone is used to this, and with knowing looks that don’t really know anything, tread carefully on seamless carpet to the outside halls that threw me. (sorry to quote it all, btw.) I think the way you phrased it kind of confused me, you maybe could have explained a little better the way people troop out of the couple's office. I think 'tread' should also be 'treads', and I think that was a factor that muddled me first time round.

I love the tension in the kiss part. You build it up so well, and I'd have to quote the whole second half of that scene to explain why because it all fits together too well to pick apart. The word choices are spot on, I especially liked 'tendrils of curses'.

Sky’s a pretty orange, dandelions colored with polluted bee guts, and cities are dead and they did it for their nation for their home for the laws they never kept. I adored this sentence. It started off pretty but then actually turned into something quite gruesome and negative. I'm not terribly sure where this amazing imagery fits in though - it's a lovely image but you have a tendency to tie unrelated pictures into your work that you may need to reign in a bit. I dunno, maybe that's just me. :think:

And again, I think the whole thing with the stone is something I have to read backstory for :tehe: so I won't comment on that in context but I do like how you call it the Philosopher's Stone. It implies something special, unique, ancient, power-giving and long-lasting.

they fucked like starved savages who ate at another’s will to live I don't even know what it is but that just screamed energy, passion and feeling at me. Well done on slipping that in. Sometimes individual lines can add the most essential tone to a story.

The ending was dramatic... even if I didn't understand it properly or what was going on. :shifty I did love the tying in of the war semantics as you did at the beginning, giving it a cyclic structure. Also the declaration of love was inevitable in a good way, it felt like all this stubborness and feeling of doing wrong was building up to something, and then it happened and there's now a softer side to these men.

So, I'm sorry if this was a rambly incoherednt piece of crap but you asked me to be detailed, so I tried. I'm sorry I got so confused with the whole not-knowing-the-fandom thing but it didn't taint my enjoyment of the story too much. :cute:

Well done, Isa, love :arms:

Ok well, I feel lame now that Joan's done a full analysis. My comment will be pathetic.

But but but I love love love the name thing. The way he's Mustang formally and Roy in love and then the two overlap, with who-knows and who-cares. What I like most about this is that it's relatable to the real world. The army, lust and love.

And I felt kind of bad but kind of happy that he said "Promise me you won't fall in love" and then goes and does it anyway. =P. It's a cute story. It's not overwhelming, its not angsty. It's juuuuust right.

I like that one sentence you had with polluted bee guts. You always come up with really cool and interesting images like that .It reminds me of that one Gerbert with "a polluted rainbow or sunshine colored shit". You're good at that. And within the FMA-verse, it...your story just works. It seems so likely. And I like it a lot.

As someone who is not an anime fan, I decided to disregard anything that may be taken as some part of fan canon, if that makes sense. What I mean is, I read it as a non-fan fiction without any prior knowledge to the series. This might cause some complications (that I will discuss further) but for the most part, I will treat it like an ordinary piece of prose of which I will analyze the way I have been taught to. This means, I'll take a bit longer than usual but, bear with me.

From a brief analysis of semantic fields, it is clear how important the four "elements” are in this story. The imagery - for the most part- can be subdivided into water ['trickles', 'stains', 'smudged', 'streaming'], air ['smother', 'breathes', 'airy', 'floating'], fire ['flames', 'molten', 'bright', 'warm', 'ignites'] and earth ['bloom', 'overripe', 'knotted', 'sunflowers', 'tendrils'] . If we analyze these separately in relation to the story's plot, i feel we would not come up with any significant conclusions. However, combined, it could be interpreted as a natural process: this seduction is a natural thing and was to be expected.

The structure of the story was somewhat confusing. The quick interchange of characters and situations can leave the audience's head in a spin, rather like in Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. Although clearly indicated by a separation, it could be altered so it is more understandable. Particularly since this a two-shot, there could have been a higher emphasis for one narrative arc with a few references to the proceeding narrative arc.

The title is somewhat intriguing. Daedalus, cunning tradesman of Greek Mythology? Also, the subtle referencing to his son, Icarus is very interesting: which also ties in with the heavy fire pragmatics as per discussed. Is this the destruction of a character because of the association and love of fire, i.e. another character? Is this a parallels story, where they are so similar in structure but subtly different in order to portray different aspects of the story?

From what I have read, I feel I need to read the full saga (and do some research) in order to fully comprehend this story. However, the imagery is magical: you have a brilliant touch with that. And the subtle Harry Potter reference is very cute.

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